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Posts Tagged ‘United States’

The Modest Beginnings of a Great Orator

Posted by evankessler on April 20, 2011

Getting a reputation as a great orator is as simple as making but a few memorable speeches. While my reputation for delivering inspirational speeches to crowds of people who would go onto lead/leave nations has long since been earned thanks to inspiring gems like the “Let’s go to the food court” speech at Nanuet Mall in 1992, the “I had a crazy dream last night” address at the Sadler Dining Hall  circa 1998, and the “Internships Are Important” monologue delivered before an enrapt class of Seniors at Mepham High School in the late winter of 2011, the fact remains that all elocution and bombast-related  legend must have it’s point of origin. Recently, I stumbled upon mine own.

Thumbing through the contents of the bedroom drawer in my childhood home, I came upon the first speech I ever delivered to a captive audience. Indeed there was something presidential about it, as it helped me to get elected to the highest political office in Mrs. Hutt’s 1st Grade Class at Lime Kiln Elementary School.  Below are its cherished contents:

"Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down That Wall!"

While my core values from that period have remained in tact, I more freely associate the regulatory policies discouraging the running in the classroom and throwing of paper airplanes with the Democratic Party instead of the Republican Party– which is listed above as my affiliation circa 1985. Regardless of which party line I was towing, it goes without saying that my rousing speech and campaign platform listed above, along with the slogan “Kess is Best,” afforded me a landslide victory in the election and helped mold me into the successful person I am today.

Posted in Patriotism, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Like A Good Neighbor…

Posted by evankessler on April 12, 2011

Since the tail end of 2010, State Farm Insurance has bombarded millions of viewers, myself include, with a series of absurd commercials that feature people getting free stuff because of a “magic jingle.”  They seem to pop up during every sporting event commercial break or commercial break during my favorite network shows just to pick at my last nerve. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then just observe below:

and

Now besides being equally grating whether you’re seeing these ads for the 1st or 281st time, my main point of contention lies not with the stabby feeling I get everytime I hear that woman say “with a new boyfriend” while waiting for the top of the 4th inning to start, rather it’s the fact that these commercials seem like a gross misrepresentation of what an insurance company does.

After all, you can’t just call on an insurance company and they’ll magically make a hot tub or sandwich appear. Or can you?

Over the past few days my main point of contention with the State Farm campaign has been put to the test thanks to an interaction over Twitter. It all began with one innocent tweet while watching the Mets game, a knee jerk reaction to seeing a commercial I loathe for what felt like the 342,000th time. I was compelled to lightly harangue the brand via tweet with the most bizarre request imaginable.

Now, I do not know why I chose Poutine, but the bizarre request sparked a conversation between myself and the brand that played out over the span of nearly a week and a half. It went as follows:

So there it was, a 21 tweet long interaction (or 20 if you count the one about the Latin Billboard awards that wasn’t directed to me at all) between myself and State Farm Insurance. I didn’t think much would come of it. I thought it would go on a bit longer and maybe result in some poutine, but probably not. That is, until I received a Direct Message via twitter from Mile End Deli on Hoyt St. in Brooklyn notifiying me that State Farm had given me a credit at their establishment.

I’m still quite flabbergasted by the result of all of that silly tweeting, but I have a new found respect for the folks at State Farm Insurance; not just because they’re picking up my tab for Poutine, but because of the fact that even though their commercials are a bit ridiculous, they’re going the extra mile to back up their brand claims and interact with potential customers all the while maintaining a healthy sense of humor. State Farm Insurance didn’t have to magically appear in front of someone with too much time on their hands with some poutine, but they did.

Now if I could just get State Farm insurance agent to appear with some employment. Well, why don’t I try? “Like a good neighbor…State Farm is there…with a new job.”

Posted in Advertising, Social Media, Social Networking | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Evan Kessler None-On-One Interview: Part Deux

Posted by evankessler on February 2, 2011

Two and a half years ago I stumbled upon a most interesting interview with the American blogger and humorist Evan J. Kessler. The subject managed to be charming and caustic all at once, whilst maintaining an air of sophistication and good humor throughout our time together. It was one of the best, if not the best interview I’ve ever had the pleasure of conducting. Not only did it teach me to be on my toes in terms of unexpected aggression, but it also showed me that the span of one conversation could be so wrought with peaks and valleys that it enlightened my own study of the human character– proving that it is indeed possible to display delightful rapier wit and be a conceited, insufferable bore in simultaneous fashion. Having suffered the slings and arrows of less bipolar interviews as of late, I felt as though my interviewing talents had slipped. I decided to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak, to hone my craft as the world’s master inquisitor.

Evan Kessler was not an easy man to find this time around. He had forsaken the comfort of a cozy Brooklyn coffee shop for the distant shores of the Island of Cuervo Nation, a brutal dictatorship ruled with an iron fist by the promise of endless amounts of tequila and the mantra “what happens on the Island of Cuervo Nation…”

I had to grease the gears with that nation’s ambassador with the promise of body shots and a bag of limes just to locate Mr. Kessler; Nevermind what I had to do to get a visa.Finally, after a convoluted customs process where an official’s plant of a bottle of Patrón nearly got me deported, I was able to step foot on the white, sandy beaches and approach the front of the villa where I spied my interview subject.  The fond memories of our previous exchange came flooding back to me like the kick from an irate mule. While his bulging manliness and virility were not as apparent throughout the course of this interview, the subject did manage to make frequent references to his impressive sportscar collection.

EVANKESSLER.COM: You’d never believe what I had to go through to find where you were.

Evan Kessler: I’m sure it was well worth it. I have a Porsche.

EK.com: I can’t imagine it comes in handy all that often. This entire island is lacking in basic infrastructure. I don’t see any roads.

EK: Well, where we’re going we don’t need roads.

EK.com: Where are we going?

EK: If I had my druthers we wouldn’t be going anywhere and you’d be drowning in the ocean.

EK.com: I’m actually a very good swimmer.

EK: So are sharks.

I just don’t think we should rule out wolf semen as a viable option for the next biofuel frontier…”

EK.com: So what has Evan Kessler been up to for the past two and a half years?

EK: Well, Evan Kessler has been doing his part to make the world a better place, mostly with his global campaign to stop unnecessary ceiling fan mutilations. Far too often a tall person will be carrying someone on their shoulders and enter a room with a ceiling fan, resulting in severe lacerations and sometimes decapitation. We need to do our part to ensure that central air conditioning is present in every home throughout the world, or at least everyone has access to one of those plastic hand-held, battery-powered fans.

EK.com: But don’t children often cut up their tongues on those as well?

EK: We can’t afford to nitpick here. There’s a huge difference between children with cut up tongues and children and adults without heads. I’d like to think the importance of this issue is on par with the removal of landmines in Southeast Asia, but all of my attempted correspondence with Angelina Jolie seems to suggest otherwise. The  People Against Continued Fan In Ceiling Mutilations or PACFICM (pronounced Pacifism) will press on in our attempts to make this an issue at the next U.N. Security Council Meeting.

Ultimately, it was a question of face tattoo or no face tattoo?

EK.com: Moving on…

EK: I’ll move on when you find something more important than ceiling fan mutilations, which will most certainly be never.

EK.com: Your hair has been described by some as splendorous jewfro, curl heaven, and a stylist’s wet dream.

EK: First off, I implore you to keep your genitalia as far away as possible from my hair. I’m assuming that last “stylist’s wet dream” bit came from you; you can always tell where the perversion is coming from.  But I also gladly accept your praise upon my locks, couple all of those hair compliments with the fact that I own a Ferrari Testarossa and I become downright irresistible. I’ve been blessed by the hair god Peleos with the appropriate amount of curvature on each individual protein-laden strand and I couldn’t be more pleased. Still while the compliments you listed are wonderful in their own right they fail to encompass the greatness of that which rests atop my head and peaks out from under my skin in its attempt to take over other body parts.

“She was the most beautiful girl in the world. The fact that she was also a three-time National Laser Tag Champion was just gravy…

EK.com: Have you ever been in love?

EK: I’m not wearing any underwear right now, if that’s what you mean. Why don’t we go somewhere more comfortable, the pool sound alright?

At this point we took a brief stroll through the sand dunes into a lightly wooded area where a house with a pool appeared seemingly out of nowhere. We were seated and reassumed our interview position shortly thereafter.

EK.com: So have you ever been in love?

EK: Love is a four-letter word.

EK.com: Are you implying that the suggestion of finding love at this point in your life is a profane one?

EK: No, I’m merely pointing out that I have basic skills in both reading an mathematics that I sometimes use in concert to state the obvious. You have two legs, and most likely an asshole, but the two legs don’t characterize you as well as the asshole does. See, I’m doing it again.

 

I keep watching the trailer and for the life of me I still can’t figure out why or how the Smurfs would end up in New York City.

EK.com: Were you hugged enough as a child?

EK: Hugged, no. Lovingly caressed, most definitely.

EK.com: When you die, how would you like to be remembered?

EK: When I die in 2031 from a fatal re-entry into the planet Earth, the result of shuttle sabotage carried out by a rogue confederate space agent, I will most definitely be remembered by the vast library of priceless reality show moments from my hit QVC dating series “7 Minutes with Evan.” However, I’d like to be remembered as the inspiration for the aptly-named town King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.

“…I believe in evolution, but I also believe that God created sheep to distract farmers...

EK.com: Do you have royal lineage that you’ve yet to make us aware of?

EK: Well, I’m pretty sure I’m a few days away from being crowned the King of the Island of Cuervo Nation which I will then rename Prussia. So, I just want to let the kids out there know, there’s always a roundabout way to achieve your goals.

EK.com: That’s not exactly an inspiring thought.

EK: Fine, you want an inspirational soundbite. How’s this: “If at first you don’t achieve, make up your own rules and tell everyone you planned it that way all along.”

EK.com: I suppose that will convince someone to stay off drugs and succeed.

EK: Look, you want a role model go talk to one of the QBs in the Super Bowl. Me, I’m just a guy who watches the Super Bowl and roots for the team with the least amount of rapists.

EK.com: Well at least we know you’re on the right side of the law.

EK: Well, I wouldn’t say that. If you take a look at the mattresses in my house you’ll notice more than a few tags missing. That’s why I found my way to the Island of Cuervo Nation– always on the lam.  But life is good here, there’s free health care.

EK.com: Really, the Island of Cuervo Nation engages in socialized medicine.

EK: Well, there’s a first-aid kit behind every bar and plenty of tequila to sterilize wounds.

“You may say ‘liverwurst’, but I say ‘liverbest’...

 

EK.com: So do you see yourself going back to the United States anytime soon?

EK: Well that all depends on how things shake out. Me, I’m hoping to stay here for a while, meet a nice Cuervonese girl, get hitched during a traditional Island ceremony involving body shots and vomiting into the Caribbean (or whatever damned body of water this is) and have a few kick ass hot tub parties before moving back to the land of repression and honey.

EK.com: Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out.

EK:  I’ve got it figured out like a fat kid who loves cake hasn’t figured out he/she’s going to die of a coronary at a fairly young age. So, I guess I’ve got it figured out to a fairly high degree unless that kid’s parents are nutritionists and the he/she is just gorging on desserts to get back at them for some other form of mistreatment. In that case, I haven’t got a fucking clue.

EK.com: Right, well it’s been wonderful. I have to say it was fully worth tracking you down.

EK: I know.

EK.com: So, that’s it then?

EK: You’re the interviewer, it’s over when you’re out of questions.

EK.com: What do you think about Sa…

EK: No. I changed my mind. This interview’s over. I’m going to spend the rest of my day listening to satellite radio in my Lamborghini. I hope you find your way home either by plane or pine box, I’m outta here.

THE END

Posted in blogging, Celebrity, guerrilla interview, humor | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Just So You Know, Everywhere Else Kinda Sucks

Posted by evankessler on December 10, 2010

Two months ago I booked a vacation to a distant swath of land well outside the borders of the United States. Soon after making my travel arrangements I noticed that my journey, scheduled for February 20 til March 10 of 2011, was in conflict with the expiration date on my passport. Luckily, this gave me more than a reasonable amount of time to renew the legal document that allows me,  a U.S. Citizen, to traverse the globe to nations accepting of such persons within their humble borders and giving them the temporary go ahead to intermingle with their native populace. My application for renewal was mailed out in the middle of November and, like clockwork, my renewed passport arrived today in the mail.

 

Shiny Happy Passport

The last few days have existed in anticipation of the moment I’d be cleared to for landing at a foreign airport. So knowing full well what the US Postal Service envelope sticking out of my mailbox was, I proceeded to tear it open with near-wreckless abandon in an utter frenzy of excitement. There it was, a sturdy blue booklet emblazoned with the words “Passport” and “United States of America.”  I proudly opened my authorization key to the rest of the world to examine its contents, but before I could even thumb through it I was savagely beaten over the head with an American flag.

The inside cover of my passport was adorned with “a lithograph of Moran Percy’s 1913 depiction of Francis Scott Key gesturing to the garrison flag flying above Fort McHenry on the morning of September 13, 1814″ (via No Caption Needed)  and accompanied by a lyrical excerpt from our own national anthem:

O say does that star spangled banner yet wave, O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave

The patriotism didn’t relent from there. The opposite page contained quotes by Abraham Lincoln from the Gettysburg Address:

“…And That Government of the People, By the People, For the People Shall Not Perish From the Earth.”

Having seemingly affirmed the greatness of the United States in no more than two fell swoops, the citizenship-establishing document finally got down to the nitty-gritty displaying the pertinent information of the passport holder (in this case, me) only to be add a reminder  on the opposing page that the United States is not only great because of what happened on the first two pages, but also because it has bald eagles and the constitution, and if you should decide to leave and never come back, you’ll never again get to see another bald eagle reading the constitution near an amber wave of grain.

But hold on, we’re not out of the Great American woods just yet. Whereas my old passport just seemed to have some innocuous, shaded pattern business going on in the background, each additional page on my new passport was replete with patriotic quotes and scenic wonders in between both shining seas. Cacti, Mount Rushmore, a New England Lighthouse, a Mississippi River Steamboat, the Rocky Mountains, the Liberty Bell, and yes the Statue of Liberty were all there as if to say, “we know you’re going somewhere else right now, but just so you know everywhere else kinda sucks.”

I’ll be sure to think about that when I’m scaling a hill along the far off coast of New Zealand, wishing I was leading a cattle drive North from Amarillo. I’ll hear the whistling wind blowing against the rocks and it’ll sound just like the voice of Dwight David Eisenhower saying, “Whatever America hopes to bring to pass in the world must  first come to pass in the heart of America…and oh yeah, this place? Fuck this place.”


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The Twain Shall Meet

Posted by evankessler on December 7, 2010

Mark Twain photo portrait.

Image via Wikipedia

I’ve been suffering from a severe arterial blockage of writerly aspirations lately; self-diagnosed–of course (not very reliable as far as diagnoses go).  Rather than self-medicate with holistic medicine or go under the knife, I went to see a man about a cure. His name was Mark Twain. He’d taken up residence at the Pierpont Morgan Library & Museum in Manhattan, a peculiar place of residence for an epidemiologist or whatever he was, but I’d heard whispers upon screams that this guy was the best in his field– so much so that they’d named a few prizes after him. Now I’m not one for trophies and accolades; me, I fancy results.

When I arrived for my walk-in analysis, I was charged $15 up front. This was a tad bit strange considering I hadn’t even been examined yet, but I offered up my health insurance card. Unfortunately, my subpar coverage failed to lessen the copay.

There was absolutely no wait –an impressive occurrence if you consider the current state of health care– or if you’ve happened upon an emergency room lately. Given that this particular purveyor of treatment came so highly-acclaimed, you’d expect the line to be out the door and the wait to be at least thirty-minutes.

The examination room was like none I’d ever seen. The bland colored walls were a sterile shade of gray, but in the place of doctorly credentials and tongue depressors, the room was adorned with samples of historic manuscripts trumpeting the greatness of accomplishments in this genius’s chosen field. to go with photographs and drawings attesting to this verbal healer’s worldly travels.

Clad in a white suite and sporting a comical-yet-somehow-debonair mustache, this Twain fellow displayed an astounding wit and appreciation for the situation at hand. I wasn’t sure he was who he purported to be at first, as many of the room’s scholarly decorations to which he laid claim were peppered with the moniker of some “Samuel Clemens” fellow, but he assured me he was on the level. His character certainly matched everything I had heard,  a man of considerable humor with an obvious social conscience– and gift for blending the two. I drank in what I determined to be a healing sort of wisdom as he told me about his past adventures.

When the question of eradication of my motor skill issue (affecting the transfer of the words in my brain to the physical and digital page) was raised, Mr. Twain mulled it over. He mumbled something about “learning to be good” and began to ponder it once more, seemingly backtracking from that first thought as though there were so many different ways to tackle the problem. This progression of deep evaluation and subsequent recommendation swayed back and forth like a pendulum of indecision, bringing forth a range of suggestions not the least of which was (but not limited to) putting your entire heart into the matter,  then swinging once again towards the consideration of certain discouraging obstacles one faces when trying hardest to do so. These obstacles included, but were not limited to, birthday parties, baseball games, and the sabbath.

Finally he shot me look as though he had finished the process of sizing up my creative bottleneck with a slight brainstorm of none-too-taxing mental gymnastics. His facile delivery denoted an obvious solution akin to a mathematical wizard  given an elementary school addition problem. “You’re good as you are,” he said. “You can write whatever you want to write. Don’t think so hard.”

I felt two encouraging pats on the back and a breeze as he disappeared from sight, only to leave behind a few samples of some of his more light-hearted fare (“Humorous Stories & Sketches,” “The Diary of Adam and Eve“). Mind you, he didn’t take occasion to sign them.

Posted in humor, writing | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Favorite Things Friday: The Constitution

Posted by evankessler on October 22, 2010

I’m an American. And as an American I think I should have a few favorite things that are distinctly American. My favorite thing I want to discuss briefly this Friday is the United States Constitution.

So what do I like about the Constitution? I like that it gives us certain inalienable rights. I like that it doesn’t tell us what to do about anything. I like that it tells the government not to do any governing, because that would totally violate those inalienable rights.  Most importantly, I like the passage where Thomas Jefferson wrote, “The founding fathers (myself included) wish it to be  taught in all public schools that Jesus thought it was a good idea that we all be allowed to carry guns. ”

Another favorite part of the Constitution that I love so dearly, is the section where it  gives me “the right to bear arms.” I don’t know what the founding fathers were into in their personal lives, but if I’ve got that worded correctly, it means the  the government can’t impinge on my right to kill a bear, cut off his arms, and sew them to my own so that I could walk around like some sorta bear zombie. Pretty cool.

Those to me are the best parts of the United States Constitution, the document that makes America the place I love. I hope whatever amendment that stuff is in doesn’t get repealed, because it would be a damn shame. That’s why if I lived in Delaware, I’d vote for Christine O’Donnell. Because if god didn’t want a virginal, ex-witch Senator to interpret the Constitution, then why the hell is there one running in the first place?

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Six More Weeks!

Posted by evankessler on February 2, 2010

Bright and early on this the morning of February 2nd in the year two-thousand and ten, the holy groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil emerged from the safety of his cushy apartment in a tree stump at the Gobbler’s Knob section of town to briefly focus his ocular cavities on the ground below.  The latest incarnation of the United States’ most legendary rodent came to spy his own silhouette, thereby decreeing that a continued dose of wintry hellfire would be inflicted upon the residents of this fair nation– from sea to shining sea.

Before taking refuge back in his humble abode, the hermetic hog made sure to warn the people against the worship of false idols, specifically citing the existence of one “Staten Island Chuck” who he claimed was, “nothing but a two-bit fraud like that L. Ron guy or most psychics.”

So now that we’re all but certain to be steeped in six more weeks of blistering cold before the sun doth shine again, here are a few more things we should expect in the remaining weeks of the frost-bitten season:

The Rise of The Snowman Border Patrol- With continued cold comes the possibility for snowstorms. Many a heap of fresh powder will be used by this nation’s schoolchildren to create a veritable militia of immobile snowpeople hell bent on standing guard over wintry landscapes.  We can let them take over or we can commission them to line the Canada-US border and equip them with rifles so as to discourage illegal immigration from the great white north.  This will not work along the US-Mexico border or if it rains.

Decreased Usage of Freezers- Iceboxes across the nation will remain empty for the next month-plus as people decide that their perishables should be more in touch with nature and their beer should always be winter-fresh instead of simply ice-cold.

Increased Drunken Bear AttacksBears will come out of hibernation early once they smell all of the food/beer that has been left out in the cold.  They may have trouble with twist-off caps but will have no problem biting off the tops of your domestic bottles.

Secretive Winter Olympics Obsessions- Your friends may tell you it’s too cold out to engage in social outings, but in reality they’ve got plenty of warm enough clothing to brave the frosty conditions. They’re just afraid to tell you the real reason they’re not hanging out; the highly anticipated doubles luge competition and Ice Dancing finals.  USA! USA!

Only time will tell if Punxsutawney’s prophetic predictor of elemental conditions is dead on, but we here at OneRiot think that you should embrace the deep freeze.  Six more weeks of hot cocoa is not so bad.

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Men On Road to Gender Equality

Posted by evankessler on January 22, 2010

In the female-dominated world of sex work, the male of the species has been woefully held down by the presence of an ever-so-thick pane of glass ceiling. When most people think of “exotic dancing,” the image of large-bosomed, barely-clad ladies comes to mind way before that of Swayze-esque Chippendales performers with a degree in teabagging from Hunk University.

The same goes for the practice of prostitution. We usually imagine these hustlers as sensual ladies of the night, and when we do think of Man-hos, we’re more likely to get the image of a cutoff wearing meth addict propositioning cars underneath the bridge– not a classy brothel setup where randy ladies get introduced to a lineup of grade A beef for the sampling.

That’s all about to change though, as male prostitutes in the state of Nevada have their answer to Susan B. Anthony and Rosa Parks; he goes by the name “Markus” and he is the first legal gigolo in the United States, courtesy of The Shady Lady Ranch in Beatty,Nevada.

Markus is more than just a male prostitute.  He’s a gender equality crusader, proving that any sexual act women can perform legally, men can do just as well or even better. Inspired by Markus’s shattering of barriers between the sexes, we here at OneRiot believe the resultant domino effect will lead to men tackling roles traditionally occupied by females in other arenas. Here are a list of just some of the stereotypically female-dominated jobs/roles this pioneer of paid intercourse is paving the way for men to break into:

Cafeteria Worker- The term “Lunch Lady” has been standard in cafeterias the world over for decades.  Men have been excluded for far too long from the practice of slinging Sloppy Joe’s whilst wearing a paper cap.  We believe the term is “Lunch Person.”

Trophy Spouse- Traditionally rich men have their pick of members of the opposite sex whose sole aspiration is to dote on their powerful partner or appear on Rock of Love.  Well, men can aspire to just as little as certain women if half the cast of “A Shot At Love” is any indication.  Isn’t time the world accepts trophy husbands for all their lack of drive and clears a place for them on the mantle?

Sideline Reporter- While it’s true men have long existed on the sidelines of sporting events, giving inane facts that could easily be glossed over by the booth broadcast crew, this field has been recently dominated by a blistering array of beautiful, knowledgeable and intelligent ladies. Given this recent push for equality, we could see a fair amount of handsome gentleman taking their turf back outside the lines.

It may take time for gender equality to penetrate all aspects of society, but this we promise you OneRiot readers; A change is gonna come.

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The Thrill Is Never Gone

Posted by evankessler on January 7, 2010

One would think being constantly on the verge of death is a big enough thrill for the elderly, but sometimes the aged grow bored of simply stretching the amount of bungee cord mother nature has allotted them and need to test its elasticity in other ways. Senior citizens Benjamin (79) and Jane Wolff (72) are hoping they’ve been given enough rope to stay out of the reach of the long arm of the law. These aging criminal masterminds are wanted for spending days on end, eating brownies and boring hotel patrons with yarns about olden days when pop cost a nickel, before skipping out on the exorbitant bill for their temporary residence. Assuming senility wasn’t the motive for failure to pay, this ancient, modern-day Bonnie & Clyde act have pulled this scam several times over– leaving several inns  in the New England area reeling in their wake from financial hardship.

The fuzz is hot on this Wolff pack’s tail as they have the couple’s license plate number and have pretty much ruled out the possibility of engaging in a high speed chase– due to the couple’s likely penchant for traveling 45mph or less in a 60 mph zone.  That being said, we here at OneRiot don’t want to leave anything to chance that these devious delinquents escape without having to experience the harsh reality of prison life in their declining years; we’ve formulated the following traps to help police nab the troublesome duo:

The Early-bird Special New England-area police should mandate a state-wide “early-bird special” with dinner specials beginning at 3:30pm at all restaurants with undercover police officers scouring the parking lots.

All Roads Lead To Florida Install new highway signs pointing to Florida that actually lead to the local police station. All old people are looking to eventually end up in Florida.  It’s like their version of the Mexican border.

Strategically-Placed Fixodent and Depends- By placing these typical purchases of the elderly where they are most likely to be shoplifted and filling them with purple dye packs like those put in the bags of bank robbers, any old folks scamming their essentials will be caught purple-handed.

Cutest Grandkids Contest- Canvas all local radio stations with a “Cutest Grandkids” contest announcement. They’ll be there.

Call Their Cell- They probably have a cell phone for when their grandkids call. If you call they’ll spend twenty minutes trying to figure out how to pick it up, forcing them to pull over to the side of the road.  A police officer should be able to locate them in that time given all of the other information they have on them.  Better yet, send them a text message.

At least one of these methods is bound to work.  If not, then we’ve sorely underestimated these geriatric bandits and maybe they deserve all of the benefits their crafty misconduct has afforded them.  After all, they’ve found a way of proving that the thrill is never gone.

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2010: 2009 All Over Again?

Posted by evankessler on December 30, 2009

Precious few hours are left in the decade that has yet to have a affectionate moniker bestowed upon it other than the rather drab “aughts” or “oh-oh’s.” We could easily look back on the the last ten years and affix the era with an apt title like the “Decade Where Everyone Decided To Go Completely Insane Over The Tiniest Pseudo-Celebrity News,” but we’ll resist that temptation.  We here at OneRiot would like to look forward to 2010.  Specifically, we’re in search of an unofficial motto that will define the attitude for the next year to come.  There’s been some great ones over the last ten years like “2001: Let’s Have Some Fun,” and “2003: Everyone’s Drinking Tea!” Who could forget the collective determination of “2008: Let’s All Lose Some Weight”? Okay, so maybe none of those were actual slogans used in their years and maybe we just made them up using simple rhyme scheme for the sake of this post, but that doesn’t mean 2010 shouldn’t have an unofficial slogan, does it?  We’ve reached into the deep well of our imagination and our knowledge of words that rhyme with “ten” to bring you a list of potential taglines for the year to come.

2010: Put The Crazies Back In The Pen- 2009 saw the emergence of nutbars like teabaggers who brought guns to health care rallies and birther Orly Taitz. This slogan beckons a return to reasonable political discourse.

2010: Let’s Go Hang Out In The Den– Leisurely acts took a big hit in 2009.  Everyone spent more time in the unemployment line and less time relaxing. Here’s hoping we kick this recession in the new year and spend less time applying elbow grease while massaging our careers.  Instead, we should all just kick back in our favorite room in the house and enjoy entertaining friends in front of that new 60-inch TV we just bought after our new boss decided we were due for a raise.

2010: Lose Some Weight Again- After we triumphantly lost weight in 2008, some of us used ’09 to sit around and dine.  Let’s get back on that health train.

Amen, It’s 2010: It’s going to be a spiritual year, people.

2010: You’re Going To Have To Watch Figure Skating– The Vancouver Winter Olympics starts up in a few weeks and whether you like it or not…you’re going to have to watch figure skating.

2010: The Year We Make Contact- Okay, so this isn’t a slogan as much as it’s the name of the Peter Hyams-directed sequel to Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, but maybe just maybe this is the year we finally hang out with E.T.

2010: Two Years ‘Til The End- According to the Mayan Calendar, we’re all going down in ’12, so let’s make this one count.

Happy New Year readers.  See you next year!

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