Posted by evankessler on December 29, 2009
College Football’s Bowl Season has been in full swing since December 19th when the then 6-6 Wyoming Cowboys (5th Place in the Mountain West Division) conquered the then 8-4 Fresno State Bulldogs (3rd place in Western Athletic Division) in overtime in the New Mexico Bowl. While we can’t possibly understand the amount of pride on the line when two mediocre teams face off in a Bowl aimed at determining if College Football fans can be lured to visit New Mexico for vacation and alert the rest of America that Albuquerque has a stadium; the thrilling overtime finish cemented the 2009 New Mexico Bowl‘s place in NCAA history as the 1,326th most memorable game ever. The College Football National Championship between Alabama and Texas on January 7th may be the only game with real significance in the BCS race but with a total of 34 Bowl games this season, here’s a look at the stakes of this season’s other bowl matchups.
Meineke Car Care Bowl– Pittsburgh’s victory in this bowl ensures that their players and coaches will simply never-ever have to pay a lot for that muffler.
Independence Bowl- Some nations have to go to war for independence, some battle for it on the gridiron. The University of Georgia’s victory yesterday over Texas A&M established them as an independent nation for span of one year, lest they should successfully defend their title next year.
EagleBank Bowl- The winner of today’s Bowl between UCLA (6-6) and Temple (9-3) wins free checking for life.
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl- The victor of this matchup between the Idaho Vandals (7-5) and Bowling Green Falcons (7-5) automatically enters a contract to perform 1000 hours of community service, walk old ladies across the street and must make an additional pledge to support all of Bono’s endeavors. An Idaho victory would force them to change their team name as “vandalism” is considered quite the opposite of a humanitarian act. The loser will most likely spawn several tyrannical dictators.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl- If the Houston Cougars (10-3) defeat Air Force (7-5), all of the 40-plus year old single women in Houston replace the Air Force as the 5th branch of the US military. These sex bombs will lend new meaning to the phrase “Make love, not war” as the US explores a new type of sensual diplomacy.
Outback Bowl- Two words: Bloomin’ Onion!
International Bowl- While both the South Florida Bulls (7-5) and the Northern Illinois Huskies (7-5) get to experience the wonder of playing in a foreign land otherwise known as Canada, only the winner will be allowed to leave. The loser will be subject to a sickening amount of goodwill as they are welcomed with open arms and have to experience the horror of free health care.
There’s 27 more where that came from. Unfortunately, not all of them come with great perks. Let’s face it, being crowned National Champion isn’t all it’s cracked up to be when your only freebie is a shiny trophy.
Posted in OneRiot | Tagged: 2009 New Mexico Bowl, Bowl game, College football, EagleBank Bowl, Independence Bowl, Outback Bowl, Sports, United States | Leave a Comment »
Posted by evankessler on December 21, 2009
Today is the Winter Solstice. While it is the shortest day of the year and first official day of Winter, it’s also a solemn reminder that time remaining in this decade some of us refer to as “the aughts” is running out. In a mere ten day’s we’ll be ringing in the 10’s and the previous decade will be but a footnote in history. Sure, much has been accomplished in that span, but there have also been plenty of missed opportunities the likes of which we will never have back. Rather than pat ourselves on the back by looking at the societal achievements of the past decade, we here at OneRiot prefer to take a sobering look at some things that just didn’t happen that must be corrected in the near future in order to give 2010 and beyond that onward and upward feeling.
Flying Cars- All of the movies that we saw as children (but mostly Back to the Future 2) pretty much said that flying cars would be a reality by now. Sure, there’s a car that can be converted into a plane, but it’s not the same. Instead our technological advancements have centered on the ability to give status updates from the toilet, rather than the ability to float around on a hoverboard or fly your pod to your cousin’s house in Arizona. And has anyone even started working on home teleportation devices yet? C’mon, this is the 21st century.
World Series Champion Chicago Cubs– The last decade saw long-enduring championship curses end for both the Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox. We don’t know what the Cubs have done since 1908 to continually invite the hands of fate to tinker with their chances of winning it all, but we hope sometime in the next decade their long-suffering fans catch a break. Hopefully, it’s not 2012 though. We can see it now, the Cubs lead the Yankees in the bottom of the 9th of Game 7 with 2 outs when the Mayan prophecy of the end of the world comes to fruition, leaving Wrigleyville and everywhere else in ruins.
Gay Marriage- Can’t we just acknowledge that all people that are of legal consenting age should be able to get married. Several states took the leap in 2009 to ensure equal marriage rights for all. As long as marriage isn’t between a boy,his dog and the neighbor’s cactus plant, this wrong should be righted. Everyone should get the same chance to be miserable.
The aughts were certainly a time of opportunity and innovation, as well as economic hardship and war. There’s a lot we can stand to improve on over the next 10 years provided we don’t get sidetracked by that really attractive looking prickly pear plant. Who knows, maybe we’ll even come up with three other areas that could stand to be improved by 2019!
Posted in OneRiot | Tagged: Baseball, Boston Red Sox, Chicago, Chicago Cubs, Lake View Chicago, Sports, Winter Solstice | Leave a Comment »
Posted by evankessler on October 1, 2009
Nike may have been one of the last sponsors to cut and run on Michael Vick, but they’d like to make it abundantly clear that they’re anything but back on the the Philadelphia Eagles jack-of-all-bench positions endorsement bandwagon.
Mike Principe, one of Vick’s agents, announced yesterday that Vick had just signed a new deal with the Swoosh brand. Nike moved quickly to nullify the statement, admitting that they were giving the convicted felon some free gear, but weren’t exactly chomping at the bit to name a whole line of sneakers after the least popular player at the pound.
Still, if Nike should at one point feel the need to reverse their position on the matter, we’ll be on the lookout for Nike Air Pine Riders or the Nike Air 3rd String QB. They’d be perfect prototypes for their new line of sneakers for benched athletes.
Posted in OneRiot, Sports | Tagged: American, Football, Michael Vick, NFL, NIKE, Philadelphia Eagles, Sports, Washington Redskins | Leave a Comment »
Posted by evankessler on August 12, 2008
Greetings from Island-y Rhode Island. I’m not going to elaborate why I’m in the Ocean State today…I suppose I can leave that for tomorrow’s post; but since I’ve been on the topic of the Olympics recently and not on your mom, I thought I’d share this tidbit that surfaced on the Yahoo! Sports feed via the UK Telegraph.
It seems as though the Spanish Olympic Basketball team thought it would be a good, non-racist idea to take a photo of themselves prior to heading to Beijing with the entire group pretending they had slanty eyes.
The photo was actually used in an ad for a courier company that sponsors the team. I don’t know who the genius is who came up with this one or if it was a spontaneous act of bigotry, but I’m wondering if those in charge of this campaign had anyone resembling a gatekeeper in their employ to make sure this wouldn’t see the light of day…let alone make it the lead image. I wonder if there’s a TV ad using a similar tactic in which the Spanish players replaced there double L “y” sound with rolled r’s (i.e Como te rramas?). Well I guess the ad sort of worked since people are talking about it. I suppose there’s no such thing as bad publicity…especially if you want everyone to know how ignorant you are.
Posted in Advertising | Tagged: Advertising, Basketball, Beijing Olympics, Bigotry, China, Chinese, Coca-Cola, Me Put Pee Pee In Your Coke, Me Tell Joke, racism, Spain, Sports, Telegraph, Yahoo Sports | Leave a Comment »