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Posts Tagged ‘Republican’

The Modest Beginnings of a Great Orator

Posted by evankessler on April 20, 2011

Getting a reputation as a great orator is as simple as making but a few memorable speeches. While my reputation for delivering inspirational speeches to crowds of people who would go onto lead/leave nations has long since been earned thanks to inspiring gems like the “Let’s go to the food court” speech at Nanuet Mall in 1992, the “I had a crazy dream last night” address at the Sadler Dining Hall  circa 1998, and the “Internships Are Important” monologue delivered before an enrapt class of Seniors at Mepham High School in the late winter of 2011, the fact remains that all elocution and bombast-related  legend must have it’s point of origin. Recently, I stumbled upon mine own.

Thumbing through the contents of the bedroom drawer in my childhood home, I came upon the first speech I ever delivered to a captive audience. Indeed there was something presidential about it, as it helped me to get elected to the highest political office in Mrs. Hutt’s 1st Grade Class at Lime Kiln Elementary School.  Below are its cherished contents:

"Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down That Wall!"

While my core values from that period have remained in tact, I more freely associate the regulatory policies discouraging the running in the classroom and throwing of paper airplanes with the Democratic Party instead of the Republican Party– which is listed above as my affiliation circa 1985. Regardless of which party line I was towing, it goes without saying that my rousing speech and campaign platform listed above, along with the slogan “Kess is Best,” afforded me a landslide victory in the election and helped mold me into the successful person I am today.

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Hillary and Sarah’s Starbucks Summit

Posted by evankessler on November 16, 2009

On this weekend’s broadcast of NBC’s Meet The Press, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told host David Gregory that she’d find the prospect of sitting down with Sarah Palin over a hot cuppa joe “very interesting.”  All of this hullabaloo stems from a passage in the former VP hopeful’s book “Going Rogue” where the hockey mom intimates that if the two ever did sit down for some java they would “fundamentally disagree on many issues.”

While that assessment is probably an understatement, we think these two ladies could stand to learn a lot from one another.  We’re not sure if this Starbucks Summit will ever take place, but we have a few ideas about what might come up should these two very different female heads of state ever sip together in or out of the political realm:

1. Geography- Ms. Palin knows where Russia is and now has even seen parts of Asia. That’s a lot of foreign soil. However, as a former first lady and current Secretary of State, we think Hillary can help school Sarah on world capitals and foreign leaders that she can’t see from her porch.

2. Hockey- As a self-professed Hockey Mom, Ms. Palin sure knows her way around the rink. SP could explain to Hillary why after the 2004-2005 NHL lockout the league’s decision to abolish the two-line pass rule and institute overtime shootouts were pivotal to the survival of the “coolest game on earth.”

3. Raising Daughters- Both of these women know what it’s like to have a little girl as the apple of their eye. Both had obviously different approaches to raising them and teaching them the birds and the bees. Palin went with the celibacy-only option and based on the activity of Hillary’s husband, that was never an option. Funnily enough, these approaches turned out opposite of what you’d expect. I’m sure they’ll laugh and laugh over this one.

4. Being Overshadowed By Successful Husbands-
Sarah: It’s hard to be the well-liked female governor of Alaska when your husband is a champion snow machine racer that everyone loves and respects.
Hillary: Tell me about it. My husband was President of the United States.  That’s like the champion snow machine racer of politics.

5. Folksiness
– Many perceive Hillary Clinton the necessary “cold bitch” ideal for diplomacy.  Ms. Palin might recommend dropping some of her g’s in order to achieve folksy charm, which in turn could help disarm Iran’s leaders and their military.

There’s probably plenty more common ground we’re not thinking of, like where to buy the best feminine power suits or the best firearm to use from your helicopter, but until Starbucks Summit actually happens, all we here at OneRiot can do is speculate.

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Palin Bids Alaskan Responsibilities Adieu

Posted by evankessler on July 27, 2009

Fans of the political process from sea to shining sea got a big boost of confidence Sunday when Sarah Palin formally stepped down as Alaska Governor. In traditional gubernatorial fashion, the former head of the Alaskan state, showed she was one of the greats, by accepting no responsibility for any of the misfortune and scandal that befell during her abbreviated reign as its supreme leader– most notably the negative attention she and her family garnered as John McCain‘s running mate in the 2008 Presidential election.

In one of her trademark rambling, incoherent speeches,Palin railed against obvious foes such as “the media” who so infamously engaged in their “gotcha journalism” when Palin repeatedly made it obvious that she knew precious few details about government at the federal level, (and god only knows the state level) while being asked simple questions that most people that might be in the position to run the country should be able to answer.

The media wasn’t the only one to blame for Palin’s more than numerous ethical transgressions and personal embarrassments.  SP also hung the heavy burden of her own failure to not engage in scandalous activity on the dainty shoulders of “Hollywood starlets” who “rail against gun rights.” Palin was most likely referring to Ashley Judd who raised a stink when the knowledge arose that the governor had engaged in the inhumane act of aerial wolf hunting.  The ex-governor cited those with Judd-like characteristics as tools of “anti-hunting, anti-Second Amendment circuses from Hollywood.”  Ironically, if the governor had ever seen any Ashley Judd movie she’d know that 50 percent of them end with Ashley gunning down an ex-husband who wronged her.  She went on to justify her gun happy ways with the new motto for her line of fox jerky snacks, “We eat therefore, we hunt.”

Much to the equal delight and chagrin of her Alaskan constituents, Palin promised to continue “charting a new course to advance this state,” one that can most likely only be carried out only from the backrooms of Wasilla bars by an elite force of Snow Machine racers more powerful in scope than a thousand governors.

In closing, what a long strange trip its been for the people of the Alaska, the United States and this sprightly, yet offensively
conservative point guard from Wasilla.  We’re going to miss all of your antics and your gee whiz, you betcha attitude.  The Joe six-packs and plumbers showing their cracks are going to miss your down home style of politickin’ straight talk.

Sarah Palin you’ve served as a model of ineptitude the likes of which haven’t been seen since Dan Quayle helped out with an elementary school spelling bee. When kids see the former governor of Alaska, they’ll see a role model that says, when the going gets tough and you’re really not qualified to deal with it–step down. It’s been refreshing and nauseating all at the same

While we don’t think this is completely the end of the line for the Palin news cycle, we could all use a rest for a while.  Oh well, we hope to see Mrs. Palin on the Republican ticket in 2012, if just for the wealth of material she’ll provide.

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Palin’s Ethically-Challenged Baby

Posted by evankessler on July 22, 2009

Sarah Palin in Savannah, Georgia, Dec 1, 2008 ...

Image via Wikipedia


Embattled yet always sassy Alaska Governor Sarah Palin seems to constantly have lots of ‘splainin’ to do. This week is no differentas John McCain‘s former running mate faces allegations that she used her position as chief executive of “Seward’s Folly” to secure “unwarranted benefits” and snag “improper gifts through the Alaska Fund “–which she had authorized the creation of by her supporters.
The thought that the Governor would use such funds for personal gains is not so far fetched as she had  been known
to employ previously allotted funds on such superfluous items as lipstick to apply to her pit bulls and pigs and expensive outfits to help her play the pretend game of let’s dress like we’re 2nd in-line
to the presidency.
Levi Johnston could not immediately be reached for comment, but we imagine he would’ve pointed out that it could be
worse, she could be the current Vice President or not leaving office in a couple of days.
As for Palin’s excuse, we expect to there to be a rambling, incoherent statement issued on the matter rather soon.


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The Levi Johnston Show Continues

Posted by evankessler on July 10, 2009

Levi Johnston with Sarah Palin's family at the...

Image via Wikipedia

Live from Anchorage, Alaska, It’s the Levi Johnston show!  The only show where everybody’s favorite oil field employee, baby daddy and beloved host talks about anything and everything Sarah Palin related, because no one really wants his opinion on anything else.  This week Levi extends his 15 minutes of fame by giving his thoughts on the reason for the foxy Alaska governor‘s resignation. Watch the high jinks ensue as Levi claims SP was in it for the money!

Levi:  “She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say ‘forget everything else.'”

If that doesn’t keep your eyes glued to the screen, watch the sparks fly as Palin family spokesperson Meghan Stapleton fires a few barbs in Levi’s general direction

Meghan Stapleton: “It is interesting to learn Levi is working on a piece of fiction while honing his acting skills.”

Ouch.  Good one Meghan, but the host always get the last word. After all it is his show.  And to top it all off Levi lowers the boom on Palin’s presidential hopes when he reveals whether or not in hindsight he would’ve voted for his former maybe mother-in-law:

Levi: “after seeing what she did now, you know, leaving Alaska, I would have to say, ‘no.’ Obviously she’s stressed out as governor. I mean moving up to the vice president or president is huge. I just don’t think anymore that she’s cut out for the job.”

Take that Palin 2012. You’re no match for Levi’s last word. And if you the viewing audience are thinking about missing out on the ever-growing media phenomenon that is The Levi Johnston Show; remember, you’re no match for good entertainment. The Levi Johnston Show, airing whenever something significant happens with Sarah Palin. Please check local listings.

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John McCain, The Party Candidate?

Posted by evankessler on September 26, 2008

I’m having second thoughts about that last post regarding John McCain’s deceptive cowardice as evidenced by his initial refusal to debate on Friday.  As we all know, Friday is the beginning of the weekend, the night the working class typically goes out to their local watering hole to tie one on and let off some steam that’s been building up all week.  Perhaps Mr. McCain recognizes the importance of Friday night to most Americans and simply believes that watching an important political debate on their most cherished evening of the week is not what the voting public wants.  The people deserve better.  They deserve to have their debates on days where a vital moment in American History merely pre-empts an episode of “Two and A Half Men” or “According to Jim” (is that show still on?) and not a joyous evening of binge drinking where one might get lucky with a longtime crush or local skank.

That being said, with the prospect looming that the American people still could be forced to witness a Presidential debate between the Republican Candidate Senator John McCain of Arizona and Democratic Candidate Barack Hussein Obama, Senator from Illinois on the evening of Friday, September 26th; the least we could do to make the event more in keeping with what most of America would rather be doing is to create a drinking game in blue collar John McCain’s honor.

First off, if you’re going to play the John McCain debate drinking game you’re going to need to be prepared with the proper beverages and spirits on hand.  The following is a list of alcohol and peripheral ingredients to have in supply in order to play the game according to the rules that will be set forth herein:

  • One Keg of beer (hopefully procured by non-Teen Wolf)
  • Angostura Bitters
  • Coca-Cola
  • Cognac
  • Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey
  • Stolichnaya Vodka
  • Hendrick’s Gin
  • Triple Sec (I think this goes in every drink)
  • golden rum
  • Grand Marnier
  • Grenadine
  • Guiness Stout
  • Cremé De Menthe
  • Italian Vermouth
  • Kahlua
  • Orange Curacao
  • rye whiskey
  • Several bottles of Peach Schnapps
  • A case of Jagermeister
  • Several bottles of Vietnamese “ruou de” or rice alcohol
  • Several Bottles of Red Wine
  • Brut Champagne
  • Raspberry Syrup
  • Assorted Juices (pineapple, cranberry, orange, lime, lamb)
  • egg whites
  • plenty of ice

And without any further ado, the rules to the John McCain Debate Drinking Game:

If the debate is not held:

  1. Invite all your friends over and pass out plastic cups.  By the end of the evening your keg should be finished…and you will have probably finished a good portion of the hard liquor.

If the debate takes place:

  1. Before you do anything it’s important to make sure you have a chaser like Kahlua or Creme De Menthe on hand.
  2. Each time John McCain says “my friends” and awkwardly smiles all players must shout “Prost!” and do a shot of Jagermeister.
  3. Whenever John McCain seems genuinely confused about his stance on an issue everyone must do a Mind Eraser shot (ingredients: 2 oz. Vodka, 2 oz. Kahlua, 2 oz.tonic water)
  4. Each time John McCain addresses the United States’ relationship with Russia, viewers wearing even the slightest hint of red must drink a shot of Stolichnaya Vodka.
  5. Each time John McCain talks about the situation in Georgia, it’s Peach Schnapps time.
  6. WIth every mention of McCain’s stint in a Vietnamese prison viewers must swig from a bottle of  “ruou de” or Vietnamese rice alcohol.
  7. If John McCain refers to himself as a “Maverick” viewers must take off their shirts, oil each other up and play beach volleyball while downing Maverick Cocktails (ingredients: 1 1/2 oz. Vodka, 1/2 oz. Amaretto Di Saronno, 1/2 oz. Triple Sec, 2 tsp Galliano, 1 oz. Pineapple Juice) to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ “Playing With The Boys.”
  8. If Barack Obama is accused of being a liberal elitist. any players who attended an Ivy league school must make and drink a Harvard (ingredients: 1 1/2 ounces of Cognac, 1 ounce Italian Vermouth, 2 to 3 dashes of Angostura Bitters)  anyone from New York must drink a Knickerbocker (ingredients: 2 1/2 ounces of golden rum, 1 1/2 tsp Raspberry Syrup, 1/2 tsp orange curacao, 1/2 oz. lime juice, slice of lime)
  9. On every occasion where McCain mentions his running mate, Sarah Palin, any woman in the room must drink an entire glass of red wine.
  10. If securing the U.S.-Mexico border is brought up by the Republican candidate…tequila shots all around.
  11. If either of the candidates should quote lyrics from the song “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles, anyone in the room wearing velvet or velour must make and drink a Black Velvet: (ingredients: Guiness Stout, Brut Champagne)
  12. If John McCain should discuss his extensive “experience” it’s Sex on The Beach:(ingredients: 1 1/2 oz. peach schnapps, 1 1/2 oz. vodka, 2 oz. cranberry Juice, 2 oz. pineapple Juice, 2 oz. orange juice) cocktails for the whole crew.  Also everyone has to make out with the person to their left.
  13. If John McCain should discuss his astounding record of reform it’s time for everyone to chug a Virgin Long Island Iced Tea (Ingredients: not sure this drink exists, Coca-Cola?)
  14. And finally when John McCain mentions all of the good he’s done working on fixing our economy pour yourself a Millionaire: (ingredients: 2 oz. rye whiskey, 1/2 oz. Grand Marnier, a dash of grenadine, and an egg white).

American ladies and gentlemen, I think I’ve provided you with the proper tools necessary to enjoy your friday evening activities whether there’s a debate or not. You can use this game for the other two Presidential debates as well, even though I don’t recommend it for school nights. Now go forth and get soused!

p.s. If you have any more rules you’d like to suggest…be my guest.

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