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Posts Tagged ‘oneriot’

Tiger, Not Taiga

Posted by evankessler on November 23, 2010

Tiger, Tiger, Burning bright....

That Kind of Tyga– (Image by law_keven via Flickr)

I’ve always prided myself on having a wealth of pop culture knowledge, but I can’t pretend to know everything about the current lay of the music industry land. Every few days I hear the name of a new artist and am either intrigued or confused  as to how and when they got popular beneath my ever-so-perceptive nose. Furthering my confusion is the pronunciation of some of these artist monikers that revel in misspellings and nicknamery. Not that I have an issue with what they call themselves, but rather just that they fail to elicit any sort of linguistic base for me to even consider their name. Such was the case while working for OneRiot and reading that someone named Waka Flocka had been shot? Not only did I think “who?” but also what kind of name is Waka Flocka?

The same issue plagues me when people bring up the names of popular new Indie groups and overpronounce their monikers to appear more worldly and in the know. For the last few weeks one of my friends has been talking about the group Das Racist, pronouncing it as if it were a Rammstein song title; but the more I looked at the name, the more I decided it sounded like a slangier incarnation of “That’s racist.” Not that I’m right, it just seemed to make sense.

My powers of moniker interpretation took a bit of a hit today though. At some point I was looking through music articles and came across the name Tyga. While the articulation of the artist’s name wasn’t lost on me, the meaning of it went somewhere completely different in my head. I started to think of elementary social studies and different climate regions. I remembered how below the treeless plain of the frozen tundra lie the Taiga in the northern areas of Canada and Eurasia. It wasn’t ’til later in the evening while waiting for a slice of pizza, I heard a radio DJ announce a song featuring Tyga, where it dawned on me that the rapper in question most certainly named himself after the animal or golfer- like a Tiger.

I don’t mean to sound old and out of touch like Andy Rooney, but I certainly feel like it today.

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Bringing It All Back Home

Posted by evankessler on October 27, 2010

I had a bit of a shock yesterday. I was applying for two separate positions for pop culture blogger and media blogger at the New York Observer, when I went fishing for some links to old posts I did for OneRiot. Much to my surprise and chagrin, I  learned that the entire OneRiot blog had been expunged from the online universe. That meant a large number of my culture and current events portfolio pieces had been abruptly flushed down the drain of the world wide web.

Unfortunately, I had taken very few, if any, screen shots of these wonderful and relevant specimens of wit and writing ability. It was a crushing blow to my professional prospects, for when one sends out clips to a prospective employer, it’s best that these clips have a reputable label affixed to them. The OneRiot blog had been nominated for a South x Southwest award and had a reasonably slick design. In short, it was a lot more official looking than my personal blog.

Luckily, there is a thing called email. Seeing as I wasn’t authorized to access and post directly to the OneRiot blog myself, all of these posts had to be submitted via messages sent to my editors or by sharing on GoogleDocs. Although they may not currently live online in edited post form, they’re hidden in the dark recesses of my inbox and shared document folder.

In efforts to recreate the magic of these past posts, I shall be undertaking a massive reclamation project to make them live again online in the archives of EvanKessler.com. Each post will be accompanied by the OneRiot logo as seen below (usually in the upper right hand/left hand corner):

Let the process begin. This may or may not be a long slog.

Posted in blogging, OneRiot, work, writing | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

EK Headline News

Posted by evankessler on May 18, 2010

I know it’s not really an acceptable practice to laugh at your own jokes, but sometimes I just can’t help it. Over the past year and a half I’ve worked for OneRiot.com and over that time my job has changed multiple times. I’ve gone from Blogger to Blogger/semi-newsy headline writer to semi-newsy/semi-funny headline writer to mostly funny but sometimes newsy headline writer. The latter is pretty much where the description of my duties stands as we speak, and with the site’s bold new look, it more or less depends on my witty repartee and that of my good friend Abdullah to draw in readers.

Since the latest incarnation of the site went live I’ve been really delighted at the way the headlines pop out on the page and it’s given me extra incentive (not that I needed any) to write things that might cause people to double over with laughter. Actually, I usually just do it to make myself laugh, but I hope others do too. In any case, the past few days I’ve had a few choice lines and I think your life would probably be better if you took a few seconds to appreciate them or to at least humor me by thinking they’re great. Enjoy the few below:

Aaron Spelling's Mansion was named the most expensive house in the United States

The Times Announced It's Pay Subscription Date...It's Not My Favorite, but It's Alright

The Washington Wizards Got the Top Draft Pick...They Keep Guns in Their Lockers...Get It? Oh, They Also Used to Be Called the Washington Bullets

Justin Bieber Was Nominated for a BET Award? Seriously?

Anyway, that’s just a taste of what you can see on OneRiot.com,  so check it out.  We’re working hard to inform you and make you laugh at the same time.

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Six More Weeks!

Posted by evankessler on February 2, 2010

Bright and early on this the morning of February 2nd in the year two-thousand and ten, the holy groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil emerged from the safety of his cushy apartment in a tree stump at the Gobbler’s Knob section of town to briefly focus his ocular cavities on the ground below.  The latest incarnation of the United States’ most legendary rodent came to spy his own silhouette, thereby decreeing that a continued dose of wintry hellfire would be inflicted upon the residents of this fair nation– from sea to shining sea.

Before taking refuge back in his humble abode, the hermetic hog made sure to warn the people against the worship of false idols, specifically citing the existence of one “Staten Island Chuck” who he claimed was, “nothing but a two-bit fraud like that L. Ron guy or most psychics.”

So now that we’re all but certain to be steeped in six more weeks of blistering cold before the sun doth shine again, here are a few more things we should expect in the remaining weeks of the frost-bitten season:

The Rise of The Snowman Border Patrol- With continued cold comes the possibility for snowstorms. Many a heap of fresh powder will be used by this nation’s schoolchildren to create a veritable militia of immobile snowpeople hell bent on standing guard over wintry landscapes.  We can let them take over or we can commission them to line the Canada-US border and equip them with rifles so as to discourage illegal immigration from the great white north.  This will not work along the US-Mexico border or if it rains.

Decreased Usage of Freezers- Iceboxes across the nation will remain empty for the next month-plus as people decide that their perishables should be more in touch with nature and their beer should always be winter-fresh instead of simply ice-cold.

Increased Drunken Bear AttacksBears will come out of hibernation early once they smell all of the food/beer that has been left out in the cold.  They may have trouble with twist-off caps but will have no problem biting off the tops of your domestic bottles.

Secretive Winter Olympics Obsessions- Your friends may tell you it’s too cold out to engage in social outings, but in reality they’ve got plenty of warm enough clothing to brave the frosty conditions. They’re just afraid to tell you the real reason they’re not hanging out; the highly anticipated doubles luge competition and Ice Dancing finals.  USA! USA!

Only time will tell if Punxsutawney’s prophetic predictor of elemental conditions is dead on, but we here at OneRiot think that you should embrace the deep freeze.  Six more weeks of hot cocoa is not so bad.

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The Blissful Existence of Pat Robertson

Posted by evankessler on January 14, 2010

If ignorance is indeed bliss, being Fundamentalist Christian minister Pat Robertson must be the most blissful existence of all.  The host of the “700 Club” (presumably named so because that was the year in which their antiquated ideas were still relevant) had the audacity to blame the Haitian people for the earthquake tragedy that befell them this past week.  He conjured up a centuries old pact with the devil (i.e. George Burns) the Haitan people made to rid themselves of the imperialist French and “Napoleon III or whatever” as the reason for the nation’s ever-worsening condition, comparing it with it’s prosperous neighbor on the Isle of Hispaniola, the Dominican Republic– a resort destination whose booze-fueled spring breaks have no doubt been touched by an angel.

While we have a hard time believing that the good lord decided on a whim to make things exponentially worse for what is perhaps the Western Hemisphere’s most destitute nation, Robertson’s comments got us thinking, what other crazily ignorant things might this dinosaur amongst men actually believe?

1. Jaycee Lee Dugard was kidnapped and kept in a shack for 18 years because she rooted against her hometown baseball team, then known as the California Angels. This was essentially a pact with the devil.  The lord saw fit to punish her by making her miss 18 years of great sports moments and have Mark Whicker  write a scathing column to taunt her with all of awesome plays she never got to see.

2. Dogs faithfulness to Man as his best friend is a metaphor for Man’s faithfulness to God.  There’s a reason dog is God spelled backwards.

3. Twitter is the devil…or at least the devil is on Twitter and he sends direct messages to make pacts these days rather than just showing up as Elizabeth Hurley and promising you three wishes for the price of your soul. Also, instead of 3 wishes he tells you he’ll totally plug you on Follow Friday.

4. The lord is powerful enough to destroy Haiti for a centuries old indiscretion, but has yet to figure out how to stop two people of the same sex in Iowa from marrying one another.  He/she really would just prefer humans made a law against it already.

5. Finally, it’s Robertson’s actual belief that Hurricane Katrina was the lord’s way of punishing the United States for legalizing abortion.

We here at OneRiot may openly mock Robertson, but we do so to submit that such ignorance on the scale of Robertson’s actual beliefs are extremely dangerous and that no matter what you believe, a tragedy of such epic proportions should never be so hastily dismissed as the fault of those who have reaped the misfortune. Rather than lay blame, we find that it’s much more helpful to lend a helping hand and encourage our readers to continue to donate to the relief fund.  We prefer to say God bless and not God damn.

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Dying Celebrities, Imma Let You Finish, But Memes Had the Best 2009

Posted by evankessler on December 28, 2009

2009 may come to be known as “The Year of the Celebrity Death.”  The double dose of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett on June 25th made us stop thinking about freeing Iran with our tweets so that we could spend the next two months feathering our hair and trying to perfect our moonwalk in tribute to the King of Pop. Sure, there were a lot of well-known faces who kicked said bucket this year, but in our estimation a year shouldn’t come to be known for all of the sadness it brought.

We here at OneRiot would like to focus on one of the positive or at least non-negative fads that emerged in 2009 that helped define our Internet-obsessed being.  We hereby declare 2009 as “The Year of The Internet Meme.” In keeping with the meme theme we’d like to share with you our top memes of 2009:

25 Things About Me- In the early part of 2009  your Facebook friends decided to give you entirely too much personal information in 25 fell swoops.  They shared hopes, fears, dreams, and embarrassing and most likely incriminating secrets that they’d probably be arrested for revealing, all because some other person sharing too much information tagged them in their list of stuff you shouldn’t give a crap about.  This meme got so out of a hand that even Time Magazine asked their friends to keep some things to themselves.

CD Cover Meme- Around the time the 25 things Meme was dying out, bored people at work decided they needed something else to do.  That thing was create a fictional CD cover. Sounds easy enough.
Step 1. Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random” or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
Step 2. Go to Quotations Page and select “random quotations” or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.
Step 3. Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Step 4. Okay, we did it.  Now what?  Do we have to start that band and make that album?  Oh, we just have to tag 1000 more people? No problem.

Imma Let You Finish- All it took was one crazy Kanye speech as he interrupted Taylor Swift at the VMAs and “Imma Let You Finish” became part of the lexicon. It seems within minutes after the September 13th incident this meme took over the world wide netweb.

Keyboard Cat- The original keyboard cat video appeared in 2007, but it wasn’t until February of 2009 that the Keyboard Cat was mixed in with other videos, became a meme…and our lives became all the richer for it.  Play 2009 off Keyboard Cat!

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Every Mel Gibson Sperm is Sacred

Posted by evankessler on November 9, 2009

Mel Gibson's mugshot from his 28 July 2006 arr...

Image via Wikipedia

Everyone loves when celebrities have babies. It offers us solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence, as evidenced by the alternate dimension they seem to pull their newborn’s names from.

In what world is Pilot Inspektor deemed a proper thing to call a little boy, or a little girl Moxie CrimeFighter? Having a famous parent will most certainly assure you a difficult upbringing based solely on others disbelief that yes, your name is actually Audio Science.Sometimes the names are so bizarre they start trending on the real-time web. It happened recently when Nicole Richie and Joel Madden welcomed their first son Sparrow James Midnight Madden.

One thing’s for sure, somewhere in the near future there’s bound to be an upper echelon boarding school with an entire classroom full of children named after inanimate objects, ultimately making an English teacher’s job of defining a proper noun utterly impossible. Until that day we wait for those inanimate objects to be born into this world and named after Desk Lamp and Dictionary.

The latest celebrity to sire a potential oddly-named offspring is Mel Gibson, along with his Russian Girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Unfortunately, Mel has kept things pretty regular with seven other kids sporting earthly monikers like Hannah, Edward, and Tommy. The Braveheart star has done an excellent job of bucking the popular Hollywood trend yet again, as his eighth child-like creation comes with the acceptably normal handle of Lucia.

While we’re disappointed at Gibson’s inability to shock with his baby-naming skills, we guess his other forms of insanity will have to suffice for now. Still, it’s more fun to ask what if?  As in, what if Mel Gibson let his celebrity insanity carry over to his children by way of bestowing some oddball names on the boys and girls that he calls his sons and daughters? What could he have come up with?  So in honor of Gibson’s 8 children we here at OneRiot present you with Top 8 alternative crazy Mel Gibson baby names.

1. Sugartits Plum Fairy Gibson- Mel Gibson obviously has respect for females. Otherwise he wouldn’t have knocked up his wife seven times and drunkenly referred to the cop that pulled him over for DUI as “Sugartits.” Sugartits alone sounds a little crass to name a baby girl, but by taking after Bob Geldof who just seems to adorn birth names with plenty of pretty words, Plum Fairy should make little SugarT a rather precious addition to the family tree.

2. Riggs Murtaugh Gibson- Named after his and Danny Glover’s characters in the Lethal Weapon series, this name sets an example of racial tolerance.  If Riggs and Murtaugh could work together to bring down Apartheid in Lethal Weapon 2, then the world can be a better place if we all work together regardless of race…unless Jews get in the way.  Because according to Gibson the Jews are responsible for starting all wars.

3. The Boy Without A Face Gibson- One day that boy will grow up to be a “The Man Without a Face…Gibson”.

4. Office Max There can only be one Mad Max.  Mel names one son Office Max so he realizes he is predestined to run the business side of Icon Productions.

5. Another Hero Gibson- Despite Tina Turner’s contention on the Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome soundtrack that “we don’t need another hero” Mel Gibson makes sure we have got one.

6.  Malibu Gibson-
Even if Mel Gibson’s claims to own all of Malibu were not true…had he named one of his daughters this he’d now be able to claim that without him there’d be no Malibu.

7. Passion of the Christ Gibson- Mel gives the name of his greatest labor of love to a result of hours of laborious lovemaking.

8. Maverick Braveheart Gibson- Mixing these two key Gibson roles would make for one of the most audacious naming attempts in celebrity history.  Suck on that Pilot Inspektor.

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Mouth Like A Sailor

Posted by evankessler on September 18, 2009

Ahoy mateys. This is Peg Leg Evan here, and I be takin’ over the high seas of the OneRiot blog with this here post to let you know that tomorrow, September 19th, is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. So whether you’re flying on an airplane en route to meet up with your old college buddy in Pittsburgh or just taking a stroll in the park with the one you love, don’t forget to throw some Pirate-isms out to your fellow swashbucklers sailin’ along Davy Jones’ locker of life.

While traditionally this day has been all about sea shantys, “aaarghs”, eyepatches, and “walkin’ the plank”– there are now plenty of new additions to the realm of buccaneer terminology. If you really want to channel the modern day marine marauder you can bust out a “I don’t care where this ship’s a goin’ my M-16 says we’re headed to the shores of Mogadishu“; or you can go with the ever so caustic, “we demand $3 million in ransom or the French captain gets a bullet to the brain.” Whether you prefer the old timey yo-ho’s to the newfangled threat of gun violence, it’s all in play tomorrow. So change your Facebook language settings to “Pirate,” perch that Parrot on your shoulder, join an illegal free music website and fire a warning shot across the bows of all of your friends and enemies, because International Talk Like A Pirate Day is the only time everyone truly has an excuse for having a little Cap’n in ’em.

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Flu-Shaped Asteroid About to Hit U.S.

Posted by evankessler on August 25, 2009

When the best case scenario for this thing we call life is the fact that we’re all gonna die someday, it seems kinda pointless to pay attention to the worst case scenario– which is something along the lines of “we’re all going to die in the next three minutes!” Fortunately, the latter of those two scenarios usually only threatens to rear it’s ugly head in the form of nuclear warfare, alien invasion or anything that occurred in a film released during the summer blockbuster seasons of the mid-to-late 1990’s. Today, however, the White House (after a viewing of the 1995 film Outbreak) stoked the fires of doomsday as though a giant pig-shaped asteroid were hurtling towards Washington DC.
The President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology announced that 30,000 to 90,000 people could conceivably die of Swine Flu, more than doubling the yearly average of flu season fatalities. Health and Human Services  Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and company are doing their damnedest to just kinda let us know that we could end up in the hospital– or worse, dead– by years end. Probably neither, but it’s totally a possibility.
So OneRiot readers, we remind you that if you’re feeling funny, be afraid or at least be cautious. And if you kinda feel sick, go to a doctor. In closing we’d like to thank the White House for transforming our state of blissful ignorance on matters of the inevitable into our current state of hypochondria. Maybe now we’ll feel motivated to get more done seeing as we might go at any moment.

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Michael Jackon’s Four-Headed Norwegian Rapper Lovechild

Posted by evankessler on July 23, 2009

Yesterday, we here at OneRiot enjoyed a welcome respite from the constant flood of Michael Jackson news, as for a few brief shining hours, the gloved one ceased to be a trending topic for the first time since his death.  He can thank Erin Andrews and Comic Con for that. Lo and behold, the King of Pop is back in the good graces of that little bar at the topic of our screen that shows just what all of our users are buzzing about.  So why is his late Royal Pop-ness back on the tip of our digital tongues?  Well, in short it’s his children.

In the days following Jackson’s death, the public and the media clamored for the truth about Paris, Prince Michael, and Blanket and whether or not they had the least genetic tie to their iconic dad. Most people figured that MJ was so asexual that there’s no way those kids had a bit of that famous DNA and that he had plucked them off of some perfect little white child baby farm in some well off European country like Sweden, Luxembourg or Monaco.

So it was even more shocking when yesterday it was revealed that Michael may have had yet another talented offspring that he was in all likelihood keeping away from Grandpa Joe– just in case he decided the Jackson Three needed one
more talented kid to put the trio over the top.

Reports from several gossip sites have emerged that 25-year old Norwegian Rapper Omer Bhatti may, in fact, be the product of a one-night-stand between Jackson and Norwegian woman named Billie Jean…err…Pia Bhatti in the mid-’80s. Bhatti was seen sitting with the family with the memorial service during and even spent extensive time at Neverland after meeting his maybe dad on the 1996 HIStory tour.

Bhatti is currently seeking paternity tests to confirm the rumors; and if all else fails, he’ll fall back on his quest to turn
Norwegian rap into a viable musical genre.

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