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Posts Tagged ‘New York City’

The Blissful Existence of Pat Robertson

Posted by evankessler on January 14, 2010

If ignorance is indeed bliss, being Fundamentalist Christian minister Pat Robertson must be the most blissful existence of all.  The host of the “700 Club” (presumably named so because that was the year in which their antiquated ideas were still relevant) had the audacity to blame the Haitian people for the earthquake tragedy that befell them this past week.  He conjured up a centuries old pact with the devil (i.e. George Burns) the Haitan people made to rid themselves of the imperialist French and “Napoleon III or whatever” as the reason for the nation’s ever-worsening condition, comparing it with it’s prosperous neighbor on the Isle of Hispaniola, the Dominican Republic– a resort destination whose booze-fueled spring breaks have no doubt been touched by an angel.

While we have a hard time believing that the good lord decided on a whim to make things exponentially worse for what is perhaps the Western Hemisphere’s most destitute nation, Robertson’s comments got us thinking, what other crazily ignorant things might this dinosaur amongst men actually believe?

1. Jaycee Lee Dugard was kidnapped and kept in a shack for 18 years because she rooted against her hometown baseball team, then known as the California Angels. This was essentially a pact with the devil.  The lord saw fit to punish her by making her miss 18 years of great sports moments and have Mark Whicker  write a scathing column to taunt her with all of awesome plays she never got to see.

2. Dogs faithfulness to Man as his best friend is a metaphor for Man’s faithfulness to God.  There’s a reason dog is God spelled backwards.

3. Twitter is the devil…or at least the devil is on Twitter and he sends direct messages to make pacts these days rather than just showing up as Elizabeth Hurley and promising you three wishes for the price of your soul. Also, instead of 3 wishes he tells you he’ll totally plug you on Follow Friday.

4. The lord is powerful enough to destroy Haiti for a centuries old indiscretion, but has yet to figure out how to stop two people of the same sex in Iowa from marrying one another.  He/she really would just prefer humans made a law against it already.

5. Finally, it’s Robertson’s actual belief that Hurricane Katrina was the lord’s way of punishing the United States for legalizing abortion.

We here at OneRiot may openly mock Robertson, but we do so to submit that such ignorance on the scale of Robertson’s actual beliefs are extremely dangerous and that no matter what you believe, a tragedy of such epic proportions should never be so hastily dismissed as the fault of those who have reaped the misfortune. Rather than lay blame, we find that it’s much more helpful to lend a helping hand and encourage our readers to continue to donate to the relief fund.  We prefer to say God bless and not God damn.

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Ernie Anastos Tells You What You Can Do With That Chicken

Posted by evankessler on September 17, 2009

that chicken

Image by istolethetv via Flickr

There are certain things you just don’t say. Amongst those things, you should never wish ill on someone else’s family; shout fire in a public theater; or suggest your president is responsible for the holocaust. After that there’s an entirely different realm of the unspoken that exists solely for people who have a public forum, which George Carlin affectionately dubbed the “seven words you can’t say on television.”

Last night FOXNY anchor Ernie Anastos created an entirely new category of the unutterable, melding one of those seven forbidden broadcast words with what some (okay, maybe just me) might refer to as an artfully nonsensical non-sequitir, and on live television no less. The veteran NYC area anchor, seemingly trying to bridge the gap between a tender weather forecast by meteorologist Nick Gregory and a story about the new Dan Brown book, laughingly encouraged his fair weather friend to “keep f%$king that chicken”– and then just kept a rollin’ as if nothing inappropriate had been said.

Anastos’ smooth transition was a little rockier for his colleagues, as the priceless look on co-anchor Dari Alexander’s face made it appear as though a shock and awe offensive had just been unleashed underneath the newsdesk, while Gregory just sort of tossed his hands up in the air as if to say, “I guess that’s Ernie for ya.”

We’ve yet to hear an official statement from FOX on the matter, but we’re thinking they might give ol’ Ernie the Ron Burgundy treatment and order him to stick strictly to what’s on the prompter from now on– lest he be immediately demoted to a lesser news affiliate broadcasting inside an actual whale’s vagina.

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9/11 2009: A New Yorker’s Perspective

Posted by evankessler on September 11, 2009

The city that never sleeps pretty much still never sleeps. Walking around the New York City of 2009, you might never know the tragic events of September 11, 2001 ever occurred were it not for that giant undeveloped hole in the ground downtown, the memories of all of those who witnessed the events first hand, and the thousands of people who perished that day.

This city’s stoic gleam is a testament to the people in it. I remember the few who fled out of stress and paranoia in the days that followed, but most of us were compelled to stay, knowing that we would be an integral part of the rebuilding process. The city became a magnet. For many of us, it was the place where we grew up; for others it was a place we moved to to see what the world was like beyond our small towns and suburbs; and for even more it was a place to achieve those impossible dreams that could not be realized in homelands where people were not allowed the luxury of imagination.

The Captain of Industry for All Industry had been badly bruised and battered, but cuts and bruises heal. Scars were left behind, but we were left with the indomitable knowledge that chicks dig scars. For all of the hardship that has been endured from the hours immediately following the 9/11 attacks until now, those who would declare themselves our enemies in one fell swoop may have taken down our skyscrapers, but the hopes, dreams, ambitions and desires of the people here still reach higher into the clouds than any structure every could. So on this eigth anniversary of September 11th we surely remember all of those whom were tragically lost, but more than that, we remember that what they came here for was what made this city great. We can revel in the fact that no such blind hatred could ever help us lose sight of why we’re here together in this confined yet awe inspiring place. New York City is America’s skyscraper, it still stands proudly, and when the sun hits it just right, it shines more brightly than ever before.

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Cambodia/Thailand Day 14-16: One Wild Night In Bangkok

Posted by evankessler on January 9, 2009

Two weeks in Southeast Asia are mercifully (or mercilessly depending on who you ask) coming to an end.  Though the accompanying feeling is a bittersweet one, I’m excited to return to playoff football, but not so excited for freezing weather and snow.  Funny how I always liked the winter, but the returning home to icicles and ice cold has lost some of it’s appeal thanks to a fortnight in a more comfortable climate in the midst of a deep freeze in the United States.

I certainly am not heading home feeling unfulfilled as each day seemed to provide a new, unexpected, and unique experience, solely for the reason that you were doing something you’d never done before with each passing second.  The last three days were no different in that respect.

Andy, Jeff, Morwin and myself closed out our stay in Cambodia on Wednesday night with an authentic Khmer meal at the Angkor Palm restaurant on Pub Street.  For those of you not familiar with the Angkor Palm, it was named Siem Reap’s best restaurant of 2006 by a publication.

A Tasty Khmer Dish

Lok Lak: A Tasty Khmer Dish

Not content to end our evening there Morwin, Jeff and I had a beer at a Mexican restaurant as more Cambodian children attempted to peddle their wares while showing off their high IQs. One child tried to sell books by wowing us with his U.S. knowledge.

“Washing-tone Dee-See is the Ca-pee-tal of the United States…I know how many people live there.”

“How many?”

“Three hundred and five mill-ee-on minus three, because you are here.”

We had to give him credit for that one, but we still weren’t buying his travel guides.  We really had no use at this point.  Another girl drew up a tic-tac-toe game and told Jeff that if she won he would have to buy some of her bracelets and that if he won she would leave us alone.  We egged Jeff on saying that he should be confident enough to beat a little kid in tic-tag-toe, but he didn’t take the bait.   Neither did I for that matter, as she briefly tried to lure me into her game of deceit.

On our way home from getting the one drink, we walked to the market and bought some Cambodian souvenirs and subsequently found ourselves in a commerce filled alley where we happened upon a particularly disturbing postcard to send to our friend Suli.

With that it was bedtime.  Our time in Siem Reap was drawing to a close, but our flight out wasn’t until 1:45 the next afternoon. The next morning we all went out to a delicious breakfast at a place called The Soup Dragon and stopped at the market one last time for additional souvenir-age.   I bought two traditional Cambodian scarves (Krami) from the same woman I’d bought shirts from the previous evening.

One Appropriately Disturbing Postcard Coming Right Up!

One Appropriately Disturbing Postcard Coming Right Up!

Post-market we stopped by the postcard shop to mail out our disturbing postcard and returned to the Guesthouse to get our gear together and check out.  We saw our tuk-tuk driver Phearom , who apparently told Andy that he and Jhom had made up after the previous evening’s controversy.  All’s well that ends well, though not quite.

Before leaving for the Airport we got into a long and heated argument with the manager of our lodging over a broken toilet seat in our room, which he maintained we had broken.  We had certainly not broken it, it was more than cracked in half when we took the room days earlier.  In all fairness, we probably should have reported it after the first night, but in my haste to go out that evening had forgotten.  After that I just figured it wasn’t worth complaining over since a large number of the country’s inhabitants squat over a hole instead of  sitting on a toilet.  It felt like a petty complaint to make, but in the end a slightly costly one as the argument brought out stubborness in both sides and Jeff played the hero by quashing the issue with a $10 handout to the manager for a seat that wasn’t worth $2.  On the plus side, we were able to make it to the airport on time and leave Cambodia.

The flight from Siem Reap to Bangkok was rather uneventful unless you count the fact that pre-takeoff and post landing were marked by the cheerful din of Christmas music blasting through the cabin speakers of our Bangkok Airways jet liner. It seems like it’s always Christmas in Thailand…or at least from Novemver to February.  The flight itself was another hop, skip and jump and we arrived back in Thailand around 3pm with plenty of the day to waste.  But before we did so, we had to get to our hostel, downtown in the Silom area.  That was a bit of a mini-adventure as our driver overshot a bit and passed the road where it was.   We did manage to get there, however, with very little additional interference.

Once checked in at the ultramodern (at least if the shared bathrooms were any indication) Lub*D hostel, the four of us went for a walk in our neighborhood in search of food.  We found a bustling alley with several vendors who offered seating. Andy was somehow able to bargain the price of his Pad Thai down to about 60 Baht.  We knew you could bargain for the price of goods, but a meal?

After grabbing a bite, we made back for the hostel, me a bit slower than everyone else as I was still hobbled by my bum tendon.  We sat around and made a few phone calls with Jason and Kayvalyn before arriving at a plan to meet at the night market.

At around 7:30 or 8 we headed over to the Lumphini Night Bazaar, where I had spent a portion of my first evening in Bangkok, nearly two weeks prior with Kayvalyn’s cousin and the husband wife duo of Andy and Tracy.  This time we met up with the newlywed Jayvalyn, Jason’s parents, and his sister Gina.

We walked around for a few hours gathering up some final gift items before returning home; t-shirts, scarves, and what-not.  One of the booths had two tiny monkeys hopping around.  It was a markedly different experience from my previous go round.  I saw much more than just the t-shirt section.  We also stopped at the food court where I helped polish off a small tower of Chang.

Li'l Monkey In Action

Li'l Monkey In Action

It's Never Not Chang Time!

It's Never Not Chang Time!

Leaving behind the commerce-hungry commoners at the Night Market, we opted to make our next stop a high-class one.  Jason and Kayvalyn took the group to Sirocco, the rooftop bar on the 64th floor of Bangkok’s State Tower, offering exquisite views of the city and beer ranging in price from $9-$12.  I’m not quite sure what the other spirits cost as I didn’t sample them.

The View From Top of the World in Bangkok

Sirocco: The View From Top of the World in Bangkok

Andy Enjoying His Time On Top

Andy Enjoying His Time On Top

Our time hobnobbing in a swank setting was short but sweet. We certainly stopped to smell the fresh air and admire the impressive view from above the Bangkok Skyline, even taking a few photos along the way although as I understood it picture taking was not exactly permitted.

With the experience of how the upper-echelon of Thai society spend their evenings under our belt, we quickly brought ourselves back to the ground floor reserved for the proletariat, whisking ourselves away to a less pricey neighborhood. I don’t quite remember what the street we went to was, or what the bar was called, but Kayvalyn announced that it was the area she used to haunt during her high school career. We all took a seat and enjoyed a drink or two as the DJ blasted dance music and the live drummer beat along.

Just A Few Friends Enjoying Some Drinks in Bangkok

Just A Few Friends Enjoying Some Drinks in Bangkok

At one point Jason’s dad came up to me telling me that he though he saw a good looking girl at the front of the club and that he thought I should talk to her.  I had only seen one other person in said bar that wasn’t staff  and it looked like a woman, but Morwin had previously tagged her as a ladyboy.  I told this to Jason’s dad and with that he went outside and checked.  He promptly reported back saying that he was talking about the girl working at the door and that he didn’t think she was a ladyboy.  This didn’t exactly inflate my courage.  Instead, I just told him that I thought he was referring to someone else and went on drinking.

It was getting pretty late, too late for Jason’s parents and sister .  They soon turned in and we moved on to look for more Bangkok nightlife excitement. We walked further down the alley looking for another bar and after a fruitless perusal we made for another lively alley. Our first turn ended up being the gay alley.  We knew this from all of the pride flags and the fact that there were guys as far as the eye could see.

Next Kayvalyn led us over to the Phatpong road or, if you will (and you will), Bangkok’s infamous red-light district.  As we walked down the road a man followed us trying to sell us on the idea of going to his club, but instead our first stop was a place with a live band.  Before I could grab a beer and enjoy the music, a trip to the bathroom was in order for a light sprinkle.  The last thing I expected in this place was a men’s room attendant, but there he stood.  Mind you I didn’t see any mints , but there was a tip tray and he did turn on the water.

Once my hands were washed and toweled off, said attendant swiftly grabbed my arms in a somewhat friendly yet surprisingly dominating manner as I had never been manhandled by a men’s room attendant before.  He proceeded to crack my neck in two directions and my back by giving me  what amounted to a bearhug.  Strangely relieved and simultaneously confused at what had just occurred, I tipped the attendant 40 baht and walked out.

As I returned to the bar to find my friends, the band leaped into a  cover of “Jump Around”, which seemed alternately odd and amusing, yet definitely entertaining. Before I knew it, I was putting my drink down unfinished and following the rush of our crowd led by it’s most recent bride and the man who had been haranguing us earlier towards the bar across the alley, sporting the name “Pussy Collection.”

I Ain't Lyin'

I Ain't Lyin'

I don’t think you have to guess twice what sort of bar a place called “Pussy Collection” in Bangkok’s red-light district is.  Just in case you can’t it’s a strip bar where sexual favors are frequently given in exchange for money.  Upon entry we were immediately sat in a corner and charged around 450 baht for entry and our first beer.  As soon as my backside was against cushion, one of the stripper/prostitutes sidled up beside me.  She began to kiss my cheek and attempt to seduce me into paying for some sort of favor which she used a hand motion in concert with a tongue in her cheek to make abundantly clear in any language, just what favor she was proposing.

I didn’t get many a clear look at my assailant as I was trying to avoid giving any indication that I might be interested in her services.  She was probably the best looking girl in the bunch as most of the ladies seemed haggard at best, though one or two were semi-attractive maybe.  Overall, I found the women in Cambodia to be impossibly more attractive than those in Thailand.

Anyway, my “Pussy Collection”  saga continued as this persistent semi-vixen continued to attempt to work her magic on me, showing me her breasts and taking great care to tempt the occurrence of an erection by stroking over said area of my pants and grabbing it several times, all of this in plain sight of my friends. It was awkward to say the least.

Alongside My New Best Friend.  Not Referring To Jeff

Alongside My New Best Friend. Not Referring To Jeff

Kayvalyn repeatedly looked over with concern asking, “Are you okay?” and pleading with the willing party, “be gentle, he’s innocent.” Frankly, I was a bit insulted by this notion of utter innocence, but not to the point where I’d do something to prove just the opposite.  I cherish my body parts and would prefer if they didn’t fall off at the behest of getting my pride hurt in front a Thai hooker.  I don’t want people I know to look at me as the guy who got serviced in Bangkok or their friend with chronic Gonorrhea.

At one point, our lovable, ever-persistent Miss Harlot started to get handsy with the outside of my pants pocket after she had been hounding me to buy a beer or buy her a beer.  I’m not exactly sure what she meant. Not wanting to know what might’ve happened if I gave her 100 Baht, I didn’t take the bait.  But as she fondled my pocket, she felt what might ahve been some paper currency.  I felt what she felt and was confident it was probably a few receipts.  I was half-right.  There was one receipt and one 100 Cambodian Riel note.  She grabbed the latter and flaunted it and took it for her own as if it was some sort of bounty.  I didn’t care in the least seeing as 4000 Riel is the equivalent of one U.S. dollar.  She made away with about 2.5 cents.

We sat around the club for a bit longer hoping to maybe see a famous Ping-Pong show, but to no avail.  We did however see a few beer bottles opened by the lady nether region.  They weren’t just cracking it open either. Bottle caps whizzed past our heads with some velocity.

The lady of my night stayed by my side kissing my cheek a while longer hoping to coax some monetary reward.  At one point  she managed to slide an almond sliver or something into the side of my mouth with hers without me even opening my mouth intentionally for it.  I think I was saying something to one of my friends at the other end when she slipped them in.  It was fairly odd, but all relatively harmless fun.  The club soon closed down and our group filed out.  As I made for the door, I was hugged by two ladies, who slipped me the club card and despite my apparently irresistible nature or the fact that maybe they pegged me as an easy mark, I continued out the door.

Our night amid the seedy red hue and marquees promoting talented female body parts was not over just yet.  We made one more stop at a place called King’s Camelot where it was less about the ladies pressing you with their flesh and more about showing off their goods on stage so you could pick which one you might desire for boom boom. Thankfully, I didn’t attract any focus at that more crowded establishment.  I was a ghost, but I think Andy and Jeff got showered with a good deal of attention.  To tell the truth though, I did sort of miss it.  It was more fun and odd to be someone’s center of attention even in such a house of ill repute. We weren’t at that bar for too long.  It was around 3am when we made it back to the hostel.  Andy and Jeff wanted to stay out later, but Andy had to leave for the airport in less than three hours to go back home, a fact that he didn’t seem to grasp.

The next morning I awoke at 9:30am feeling quite the haze of hangover.  I had a bit of a continental breakfast at the hostel to fight off the effects.  To conquer the issue completely, Morwin and I took a walk to Health Land for a final turn at a traditional two-hour Thai Massage for the low, low price of $13.  It took a while to actually reach the spa, as we thought we were looking for the same one we had been to earlier in the trip, when in actuality the hostel had given us directions to a closer Health Land.

At 1pm we finally stumbled upon the right place, which was even nicer than the one we had been to two weeks before.  The massage while still as through, seemed to induce more pain that the last time, though it still seemed to iron out the kinks just as effectively.  Morwin didn’t feel the same about his as his masseuse left him with a bit of a limp.

When the massage ended my body was absolutely exhausted.  I just wanted to collapse.  Morwin and I headed back to the hostel, where we made a few calls and got in touch with Ken, who had arrived in from Chiang Mai earlier in the morning.  He met up with us at 4pm and we found ourselves a spot to eat down the road.

I was ready to fall asleep while we were eating, but held off slumber for a subsequent walk to show Ken where we had all gone out the previous evening, but in the daylight. Ken soon split off and I wanted nothing more than to go to bed…That’s pretty much what I spent my last night in Bangkok doing.  My body famished, I had one last meal of stir-fried Morning Glory, before shuffling off to my room early, in preparation for my flight.

I’d love to have gone out with a bang instead of a whimper, but there were plenty of good times between the bookends to last me quite a while…and plenty more to be had on the solid, yet slippery ground  of New York City.

Posted in Cambodia, Thailand, Travel, vacation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

More Moviemaking Madness and The Unexplainable

Posted by evankessler on June 7, 2006

I suppose I wanted to avoid the hex of Satan by not posting this before Midnight. I feel oddly at ease knowing the date of the beast has passed without incident. However, that doesn’t mean I stayed inside and curled up into the fetal position hoping the devil wouldn’t grasp my soul with his fiery tentacles or at least pop up on one of my shoulders. On the contrary, today I was involved with yet another cinematic undertaking. Early Monday evening I received a phone call from my former co-worker Damien (wait a second Damien, this is eerie) who invited me not to sell my soul but to join him on a massive project he was getting involved in. I agreed if I didn’t have any temp work. What do you know, I didn’t get any paid temp work on Beast day so I went to meet Damien at Roseland at 2pm for a massive documentary film project in which 400 plus people gathered to film for one hour on Broadway. Each person with a camera would get assigned one block and shoot for one hour from 4:30 to 5:30pm. Damien and his other friends all were assigned blocks in the Mid 20’s whereas I got 125th and Broadway. Before leaving for my destination, I stood on line waiting to see if I could get an assistant as they had advertised that everyone with a camera would be given an assistant if there were enough people. One of the guys on line with us seemed absolutely unaware of what was going on and kept asking idiotic questions to a volunteer who was trying to explain to him in the simplest of terms how the operation worked. It seemed like the most frustrating interaction ever as she was doing a fine job in explaining how the plan was to be carried out but she was continuously met with blank stares from said participant. The guy ended up going with Damien’s friend Mark as his assistant and ended up nearly getting arrested after exhibiting bizarre behavior in the Madison Square Park dog run. I’ve only heard stories I wasn’t there but if you saw the volunteer having the conversation I described, you could’ve foreseen something horrible happening, as this person was certainly not all there.

I arrived at 125th and Broadway at around 4pm and walked up and down pseudo-scouting my location but really just messing around with my video camera as it had been a while since I’ve actually used it. Perhaps, I should get back into the swing of shooting. Right before 4:30 when the filming was to commence, a crew of people documenting the documentary interviewed me about what I hoped to film. I didn’t really know so I just BS’d about the diversity of all of the neighborhoods and streets of New York City. When the clock struck 4:30 I was off and almost as soon as I pressed the record button, I was interviewing a homeless man named Willie about the neighborhood I was in. He was talking about development of the area and how he used to live right off of Broadway and all of the stores that used to be in the neighborhood. After about four minutes of talking I gave him $2 thanked him and moved right along. I wandered around for a good twenty minutes taking in scenery and happened upon a kid playing baseball against the wall, which made for some entertaining footage. He soon noticed I was filming him and became embarrassed and walked away but that made for funnier footage. Further along Broadway, at about 132nd Street I came across some Domincan Auto Mechanics making fun of each other and just hamming it up for the camera so I shot them for a bit. It was entertaining but rather the chore to get them to sign releases. It took up a good portion of my real time assignment. Oh well, they’re only probably going to use 7 seconds of my footage if they use any.

I got back to Roseland at around 6pm to turn in my footage where I heard of the crazy antics of the guy that ran around in the Madison Square dog run. I was given a t-shirt for my efforts and took a picture for my directorial credit. I think it’s going to be on the website. Once I figure out what the website is I’ll post it. Not that my footage is so remarkable but it’s always nice to get credit for something. I sat down and had a beer with two of Damien’s friends and a girl named Stacy that they had just met. When they all left I circled around to kill time as I waited to see if Damien showed up as I had a show idea I wanted to discuss with him While wandering aimlessly I ran into Jess S’s friend Brenda. I sat down with her and her friend Wyatt and talked about our experiences on the shoot. After finishing my 2nd drink at around 7:30 we split off. That pretty much did it for the day other than my watching the Met game.

Aside from the days activities I did some thumbing through the Village Voice and I came across something that blew my mind. It was the unintentional comedy moment I had been waiting for. I spotted it in the BB King’s concert listings. I don’t know if you’re ready for this, and furthermore I don’t know how nobody has commented on this anywhere yet. Has the build up got you curious as to what I’m talking about yet? Are you dying to know? Are you looking for the BB King’s listings yet? Well, I shan’t leave you hanging any longer. On Sunday June 25th Martial Arts film legend Steven Seagal and his band Thunderbox will be taking the stage at B.B. King’s. Now, I’m a little short on cash right now, but forget all of the outdoor festivals in the warmth and comfort of a sunny day. There is no show I’d rather see this summer than Steven Seagal and Thunderbox. I imagine two hours of sheer horror only made tolerable by the belly laughs resulting from Mr. Seagal’s musical prowess. I imagine him making all types of ridiculous faces whilst playing his guitar in some sort of Native American Sensei frock and taking the odd break to elbow an audience member in the face. The trip to see Yakov Smirnoff in Branson, Missouri is now on the backburner. I think we should get a group together to rent an RV and follow Steven Seagal and Thunderbox around the country. Oh, on another note, why did they make another Fast and The Furious movie? Who goes to see those movies? Did someone sign a contract with Paul Walker they regret and for some reason it’s cheaper to make the movie than pay off the remainder of the contract? These are important questions.

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Makin’ Friends, The Myspace Way

Posted by evankessler on March 21, 2006

This is Heather. Heather is in my top 8. Heather is a leader. Notice her Evankessler.com Shirt.

The following entry consists of an ongoing correspondence between myself and Heather D.(not to be confused with Heather B from the original Real World season.) I first became aware of Heather through our postings on Adam Starling’s blog. I have become increasingly aware of Heather ever since and one day she decided to myspace friend request me. Since that day, we have enjoyed a string of emails consisting solely of enjoyable witty banter that I have found astronomically amusing This is that string. I hope you enjoy our back and forth wordplay but if you don’t you just may be a dullard. Heather also has her own blog that I find to be wonderful and stimulating. Anyway, I think this a really great email string so read it.

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 6, 2006 11:47 PM
Subject:
hello
Body:
Hello, to what do I owe the pleasure of this friend request? I always like to do a little getting to know you email before accepting a friend request. So, what’s going on?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Mar 7, 2006 10:03 AM
Subject:
RE: hello
Body:
Wow, I am impressed with your myspace integrity! You are not one of those myspace sluts, adding friends willy-nilly. Anyway, do you know who I am, remember, we both used to leave comments on Adam Starling’s blog, a long time ago (November ’05)? Plus I read your blog. Actually I just realized that I haven’t read your blog in a long time and then I went to read it and now I know that you are suspicious of me because I have so many shirtless friends. I don’t read your 24 entries though. Sorry. It’s only because I don’t watch 24. And sometimes I skim the really long paragraphs about people I don’t know.

Anyway, I joined myspace because I am home sick from work with a disgusting sinus infection and I got sucked into internet stalking my minor celebrity boyfriend Patrick Park (who is apparenlty all about myspace, which only makes me think a little bit about breaking up with him). Then once I started using myspace I was so dazzled by the glamour! Did you know all the beautiful people of LA use myspace? I read that in Vanity Fair.

What’s going on with you? Actually I already know from your blog. But don’t worry! You’ll get a job! I think you’re very witty.

Heather

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 7, 2006 10:38 AM
Subject:
RE: RE: hello
Body:
Hey Heather,
I was being selective but then I realized I could break a few rules when I recognized Starling’s bird icon in your friends list. It was at that moment I said, ah yes, Heather. I know who thou art. Let me just say it is a pleasure to make the acquaintance of your cyberspace alter ego which just so happens to be your regular ego.

In all fairness, I too was reluctant about Myspace membership and still remain so as I was a fan of the Friendster and don’t really understand why it has become “totally gay”. I don’t think Myspace possesses any superior qualities unless you count an overabundance of annoying people who like crappy music as a superiority quality. However, I’m fairly confident that you don’t find this to be superior quality. I can tell that much.

That being said, welcome and I hope you can handle the frequent posting of obnoxious surveys, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned. There’s plenty of that.

Oh and thank you for the compliments. I always tend to get embarrassed by them and not really comment on them, which is ironic being that I am an attention whore.

How are things up in the Buffalo?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 8, 2006 6:12
Subject:
RE: RE: RE: hello
Body:
I know, I am sad for friendster too, it is so much classier and gives me so much less of a headache than myspace. I do hate how people embed bad music in their profile so that it startles me while I am trying to look at all their horrible, blinking icons. For a while I had a myspace profile that I tried to make as obnoxious as possible, it was hot pink with a tiny turquoise font and a lot of animated dolphins and for my user picture, I cropped the head from one of those creepy dolls on the realdoll website. It was all plasticky looking. And then I forgot about it all for a few months, and when I logged back in I had HUNDREDS of messages from icky random men telling me I was hott. And that is the story of how I lost all respect for myspace. It’s too much like spring break.

Things are always thrilling here in Buffalo. We’re having a flood watch now since apparently all our snow is going to melt all at once tomorrow. I imagine you don’t have excitement like THAT in your fancy “New York City.”

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 9, 2006 3:12 PM
Subject:
hey, new subject
Body:
I enjoy your analogy likening Myspace to Spring Break. It is perhaps the most accurate depiction of anything I have ever heard or read for that matter. I only went halfway towards pimping or whoring out my profile by filling out one of those surveys. I also put a song up but I decided mine would not be abrasive and unpleasant. I was afraid that if I went all the way with making my profile the most ridiculous thing possible I would no doubt get an influx of dumbasses wanting to get 2gether and chill or sumthing yo. Your experiment seems to have proven that point. I salute you for being brave enough to attempt the Internet equivalent of base jumping.

Anyway, things in New York are not that thrilling though I have to believe they could be more thrilling than Buffalo. I don’t mean to demean Buffalo but I have a fair share of friends from there and one even went so far to name his indie record label “Kill Buffalo” due to his fondness for his childhood home. That being said, there may be infinitely more to do here without spending money though I’ve been on my fair share of aimless wanderings throughout the past few months and I’ve decided that the occasional money earning job could supplant that as a new favorite activity, though only temporarily. Just yesterday I strolled through central park, which is something I rarely do because I am not within the closest proximity to it. I prefer the confines of drug addled Washington Square Park. I enjoy wandering through and counting how many times I am offered drugs on any given day. I believe the highest count is 8. That record will fall in the summer.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 10, 2006 11:37 PM
Subject:
RE: hey, new subject
Body:
Oh please, your profile is barely even half a whore, it does not even have an animated fire background. But your survey is entertaining. You owned that survey, Evan Kessler. I’m not even going to do it because there’s no way I can compete. Besides, my profile is starting its slow decline as a result of my new three-pronged approach to myspace. The first prong involves disabling email alerts so that myspace cannot molest me in my everyday life. The second prong is to accept the advances of every semi-literate wannabe-gangsta in Buffalo who wants to be myspacesters with me. I haven’t really nailed down the third prong yet, but it’s either going to be to post huge, horrible blinking gifs in everyone’s comments, or to completely lose interest in myspace. Anyway, a result of the second prong is that when I add some guy whose general interests are “sex and jetskiing” I feel compelled to change my own interests to “sex and jetskiing.” Sex and jetskiing! Hott AND adventuresome!

You tell your friends that it’s not cool to insult Buffalo anymore, now the hip thing is to talk about Buffalo’s lively arts scene. Actually there are good things about Buffalo, such as how you can buy a beer for $1.50, and how if you go see a band on a Wednesday night, there will be approximately four other people there, which I guess is not always good depending on what kind of band it is, but is interesting in a “this band is playing for me personally” way. I feel like everything in NYC is always crowded. And I like to have a lot of personal space. And don’t judge Buffalo just because I am writing you a myspace message at 11:30 on Friday night. I had a date that needed to be shut down early. That could happen ANYWHERE!

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 10, 2006 11:46 PM
Subject:
AND ONE MORE THING
Body:
Also, I want to support your myspace whoring/unemployed state because I like your “who wants desert” shirt, because people totally do spell dessert wrong, but I don’t like the cap-sleeve shirt, can you make it be on a regular shirt? Maybe a yellow one. I know it is complex because cafepress only lets you have one of each thing, right. But you’re not busy, are you?

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 11, 2006 7:09 PM
Subject:
request granted
Body:
Your list of positive aspects of Buffalo life are duly noted. I can get behind any place where beer costs $1.50. I do know of such places in New York, though most of them consist of bikini clad bartenders who dance atop the bar to country music, sometimes they even set it on fire. Actually, who am I kidding, I love those places, though I don’t always enjoy the crowds they attract.

I also like your 3-pronged strategy, especially the second one. Imagine loving both sex and jetskiing. Talk about depth of character. For that you get to be in my Top 8. I’m currently debating accepting a friend request from a 19 year old girl in Utah named Chelsea. When I quizzed her as to why she wanted to be my myspacester she said it was due to the fact that she had several friends named Evan and only had good experiences, save for one of them.
She also likes curly hair, and while I can’t deny her reasons I’m not quite sure its enough. Though the fact that she just finished hair school may just push her over the top. I may defer this decision to you as a new valued member of my top 8.

I also have to say I quite enjoy the nature of our conversations. They are very well written and thought out. I feel smarter for even having them. To the outside observer it might appear as if we are reciting dialogue from an episode of Dawson’s Creek. Though I fear if we were ever to meet in person you’d have a hard time believing that these messages were not ghost written.

Oh, and one more thing…I’ve given you the option of the yellow who wants desert shirt or the white one. The only thing is that the one with the yellow has “www.evankessler.com” on the back. If you want me to remove said blatant advertisement it can be arranged. Or you can just get the white one. That one’s cheaper anyway. You were correct in assuming I had nothing to do, because I dealt with your request upon first receiving your previous message.

Alright, this is where I end the message. I may see Adam this evening and we may sing some Karaoke together. It will be an event. I hope you have an excellent Saturday evening. Talk to you soon.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 12, 2006 10:42
Subject:
RE: request granted
Body:
Wow, Evan Kessler’s Top 8! Is there a t-shirt for that? Anyway, in exchange for the coveted spot in your Top 8 I will endorse your website on my desert shirt. I stand behind evankessler.com.

Hey, are you talking about the Coyote Ugly bar? I love that movie.

I have discovered a new fascinating aspect of myspace, which is how you can interact with minor celebrities, such as Bob Guiney (ABC’s The Bachelor ..4). I imagine this is not exciting to you since you worked in the field of minor celebrities who love decades, but I find it endlessly amusing that Bob Guiney himself clicked the little box that approved my add request. I impacted Bob Guiney’s life! Let me know if you can think of any other good minor celebrities for me. It’s hard to think of ones who were famous enough to be exciting but are currently unfamous enough to be clinging to popularity via myspace.

I think you should add Chelsea, as long as she is hot. Plus, won’t she be insulted if you don’t add her now that you have corresponded with her? Maybe you should do what I do: approve everyone, then delete them later if they start being annoying and posting ten thousand bulletins about sex. I am a passive-aggressive myspace user.

I feel so pressured to keep up the wit now that you have invoked the Creek. I feel like I need a really snappy closing but I have nothing. Dawson would have something poignant. Damn the WB and their impossible standards…. good night!

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 12, 2006 11:11 PM
Subject:
Chelsea is not top 8 material
Body:
Thank you for your continued support. The Top 8 T-shirt is not a bad idea at all. I’ll give you a commission if I ever sell those.

Indeed I was referring to the Coyote Ugly bar though there are several of the sort in New York including The Patriot, The Hogpit, and Red Rocks West. My favorite of the genre was The Villiage Idiot because of the endless supply of free peanuts. I became somewhat of a regular there because of that and because it was decidedly less rowdy. Perhaps that’s why it went out of business two years ago. Oh how I miss it.

As far as the interacting with celebrities, how can you be so sure that it is actually Bob Guiney that is approving your myspace request? Surely he has his secretary keeping up his PR campaign while he is off camping or looking for a wife? Wait did he ever find a wife? I read an article in the New York times about all of the Real World/Road Rules members keeping in touch through myspace as well so you can totally befriend those folks. I only wish I had continued watching those shows so I’d no who to look for. I guess I can tune in sometime this week to see whom to befriend.

Actually, I did come across Mormon Julie from the Real World New Orleans. Though I found out she’s married and I think she’s back to being all into god after living out her fantasies of promiscuity in the Real World house and the subsequent college speaking tour. My friend hooked up with her on her Syracuse visit, so I’m well versed in her exploits, or at least one of them.

Furthermore, I will take your advice, it does seem kind of cruel to leave Chelsea hanging. She seems like she has honorable intentions. She likes curly hair and she graduated hair school so maybe I can get a free haircut out of it if I’m ever in Provo.

Also don’t feel pressure to keep your language on the level of Dawson’s Creek. In the end all of your emails might end up consisting of incessant fawning and whining over Katie Holmes’ character and where would we be then? She’s with Tom Cruise we’re going to have to get over it.

Alright, it’s getting late and I’ve got to approve chelsea and probably do some blogging. Have a good night and don’t do drugs.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 14, 2006 9:37 PM
Subject:
so many evans
Body:
Whoa, Chelsea is crazy! Why is she collecting Evans? That is the weirdest thing I ever saw. Actually I wish I had thought of that because it would add direction to my myspace experience. However, I no longer trust her expert opinion about your hair since I now suspect that she is just using you for your name. What a hussy. You do have nice hair though. I sort of want to touch it. I imagine you get that a lot.

Apparently we have a bar in Buffalo where women dance on the bar, but they are not professionals, instead, at some point during the night someone yells “LADIES ON THE BAR!” and then the classier portion of the clientele gets up on the bar and takes their shirts off. I have not actually been yet but it sounds like a good time. Other exciting things are coming up soon in Buffalo too, like the St. Patrick’s day parade, which is a giant spectacle of early afternoon drunkenness. Hopefully it will be more scandalous than the Buffalo Mardi Gras (during which I only saw one boob).

Do you really think Bob Guiney has someone else handling his myspace PR? He has posted several announcements recently about a concert he is in with Macy Gray and Greg Grunberg (isn’t that the smoothaise guy from Felicity? He is sadly not on myspace). But still, he can’t be that busy. Apparently he is currently married to Greenlee from All My Children. It was sad for Greenlee when her fiancee Ryan faked his own death when he found out she was pregnant because he was afraid that he would follow in his abusive father’s footsteps. Also I think Ryan’s psycho brother tried to poison her but then it turned out he had a brain tumor. I believe that all happened last spring when I was unemployed. So I am happy for her that she has Bob now.

I am watching American Idol right now and I don’t know why because it is the most useless show in the world, and Ryan Seacrest has a freakishly tiny head. But I bet all the old contestants are on myspace. Unfortunately the only one I can remember is Bo Bice and he is probably busy with his baby.

Well, anyways. Keep up the good work!

H

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 15, 2006 7:58 PM
Subject:
RE: so many evans
Body:
Hey Heather,
So now you see why I had reservations about Chelsea. I was awake and on myspace and 2am last night and she felt the need to send me a message to asking what I was up to. As if we might be cosmically doing the same exact thing and we’d be led to discover that just because I am in New York and she in Provo, we’re not so different after all. Indeed, I do get people longing to touch my locks and to be honest I’m used to it by now but I usually react in a confused manner seeing as I’ve never really had the urge to touch anyone else’s hair no matter how curly or straight. Before allowing Chelsea to cut it I’d have to see picture of other curly haired people she’s given cuts to. That being said, I don’t think there are any curly haired people in Provo seeing as Utah is severely lacking in their Jewish and African American populations.

Is the bar in Buffalo with the bar dancing called Buffalo Bill’s or Buffalo Bob’s? It seems to me like Buffalo would have an overabundance of bars with the name Buffalo Bob’s and/or Bill’s. I could be wrong though. Furthermore, I love how the Buffalo Bills cheerleaders are called the Buffalo Jills….Genius. I imagine the Buffalo Jills dancing on the bar at Buffalo Bill’s to Trace Adkins’ “Honkytonk Badonkadonk”. If you’ve never heard it, it may be the worst song ever. I hope that your St. Patrick’s day closely resembles that scene, not because I wish you the worst or anything, just because it sounds like a funny thing to encounter.

My St. Patty’s day will be spent away from the amateurs (or maybe not, you never know) in the confines of Webster Hall as I witness the first Silver Jews concert in New York City. Though I’m not above venturing out to a drinkathon afterwards. Maybe I will run into Bob Guiney and ask him if he answers his own myspace requests. I think being married to such a prestigious soap opera star must take up the majority of his time though. I imagine they must make the rounds on the public appearances at malls circuit. So many public appearances, so little time to check Myspace. Though if his wife is on myspace I could see them both sitting on the couch with their wireless internet connection comparing myspace accounts. That’s just what couples do.

Oh, also, is Bob Guiney headlining the concert with Macy Gray and Greg Grunberg? God knows Macy Gray has fallen pretty far from her perch. Is Greg Grunberg a solo singer in his time away from Alias? Does he write songs about working for the CIA and assisting Jennifer Garner? Does he also write songs about being jealous of Michael Vartan and Ben Affleck? That would be one hell of an album. I’m sure he’s got so much pain to share with us. It would be like Elliott Smith but by a guy who was on Alias and Felicity. I think Bob Guiney just sounds like Rob Thomas but has less street cred because he’s totally a reality hack. Grunberg at least has some chops as an artiste. He’s like a modern day Tom Waits because hey, they both act sometimes.

Meanwhile why didn’t American Idol ever do another movie after from “Justin to Kelly” with each of their final two contestants? Tell me you wouldn’t have paid $10 to go see “From Ruben to Clay”. That would have been the movie event of the decade. Clay falls in love with Ruben but Ruben sings Clay gospel songs about how the lord views gay people. Or “From Fantasia to whoever she beat”, Where whoever she beat has to teach Fantasia to read. These are solid movie plots. I might exhume this email as a blog topic as I feel it raises a valid issue. Is heterosexual love the only valid kind of love between American Idol Finalists?

Anyway, I’m all messaged out and my mind is racing with American Idol film ideas. I’m hoping for a commercially bankable final two, so I can pitch a script to the show producers. If you want to help with the script, just say the word. Talk to you soon.

-Evan

From: Heather
To: Evan
Mar 16, 2006 6:55 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject:
RE: RE: so many evans
Body:
Well, you did not inform me that Chelsea already had acquired so many Evans. I was picturing a cute innocent blonde Mormon girl, not some Evan-accumulating hussy hairdresser. I guess it just goes to show that you can’t pick your myspacesters’ myspacesters.

Actually, I can’t even think of any bars in Buffalo that are called “Buffalo [Anything]’s.” That is disappointing now that I think about it. I am sure that I will have ample opportunities to drown my disappointment in green beer though.

Oh, and I have now read more carefully Bob Guiney’s special event announcement, and it turns out that he was not performing with his usual band (“Fat Amy”), but instead was in some weird charity event band full of television’s biggest stars: ““An Evening with Ray Kennedy and Friends” will feature performances by Macy Gray, The Dave Mason Band, The Syn, California Transit Authority, the Los Angeles Guitar Quartet, Gia Ciambotti and Celebrity band 16:9 which consists of
some of television’s biggest stars: House’s Hugh Laurie, Alias and Felicity’s Greg Grunberg, Desperate Housewives’ James Denton, and our very own Bob Guiney on vocals.”

It was two days ago though, and in California. Damn! Also I think his wife is retired from All My Children. They must have killed off her character or something. So they probably spend all their time together and when Bob needs some special alone-time he comes to myspace to rejuvenate his spirits by interacting with his adoring fans.

Those are excellent American Idol movie ideas, I fully support their exploration in blog format. I am already impressed at your prolificness, if that were a word, so feel free to recycle. In fact you can just copy and paste paragraphs of your blog into your messages to me as long as you put in “So, Heather…” every few sentences. You know, to make it personal. My blog is languishing and all I ever did anyway was post pictures of my dog, so it is particularly sad that I can’t even keep that up. I think the problem is that the timing of my caffeine consumption is all wrong so that I peak around 2pm, and no one is there to benefit from it other than my super-bitchy coworkers. They are very girly and they only like to talk about shopping and shoes and how you can tell real Louis Vuitton from fake (apparently it has to do with the stitching). I frankly cannot think of anything more useless than a $600 purse. Particularly in BUFFALO.

One of my friends was just recommending the Silver Jews to me a couple days ago. Isn’t that a coincidence? Wow, even though you are in NYC, and I am in Buffalo, we are not so different after all!

Well, I have to go to my O.C. viewing now. I am in charge of picking up the falafels. It’s going to be an event. L8ter!

H

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 19, 2006 5:29 PM
Subject:
Sunday, Sunday
Body:
I hope you had a good OC viewing and St. Patrick’s Day. God knows (he knows because he sees all) mine was full of guzzling the green beer and vomiting in a crowd. And that was just the OC Viewing. I mean that kept me from enjoying St. Patrick’s day at all. I just went to the Silver Jews concert and home afterwards.

Indeed that Chelsea is an Evanaholic. A good portion of the Evans she has collected are shirtless as well. This casts a dark cloud over the future of Chelsea and my friendship. We’ll try to fight through it.

Anyway, I have a hard time believing there’s no Buffalo Bill or Buffalo Bob bars within the Greater Buffalo Metropolitan Area. I think we might have to seize this opportunity and open our own bar. Our window of time is very small as someone else is bound to realize in the next few days that such a bar does not exist and we’ll regret not taking advantage of this one moment in time. We can even have that all star TV band perform nightly because the most important thing is keeping all of that suckage isolated to one band and one bar in one city and if that city has to be Buffalo then so be it. It’s a sacrifice we’d be making to keep the rest of America safe.

So Heather, I’m not sure if I’m going to blog about the American Idol movie ideas, I think I might have to wait to see how this season pans out. However, I can promise you that if any of my ideas gets made into a movie we can put your dog Oscar into the film as the Idol winner’s lovable loyal dog. That way you can have new photos of him on set and with celebrities. That could be a new wrinkle in blogland. I have to say while I may be prolific, you have more pictures of dogs. Let’s face it people love dogs more than drunk Evans, well, except for Chelsea.

Oh, I also wanted to ask your permission for something, since I think these emails have been somewhat brilliant, I’m thinking about turning our entire conversation into a blog post, though I’m not sure if anyone will find our string of conversation quite as amusing as you or I do but what the hell I’m hurting for material and I haven’t done a guerrilla interview in months.

Also, of course having a $600 purse is practical. Where else would you keep your $400 sunglasses when they’re not on your face?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 19, 2006 10:24 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject:
RE: Sunday, Sunday
Body:
Don’t you think the myspace slogan should be “a place for whoring various things” instead of “a place for friends”? That’s the theme of my new profile image. Feel free to leave me a comment asking me if I got my awesome shirt at evankessler.com online store. It looks kind of weird because I had to reverse it in photoshop so that you can read it. I guess I’m not as symmetrical as I thought I was.

Anyway, my St Patrick’s day was super. Somehow I showed up at the bar with six dollars and ended up having seven shots of whiskey. I don’t know who kept buying them for us but I love those people. Oh, then at the height of my drunkeness I saw (1) a guy who works across the hall from me to whom I had never spoken before (I’m pretty sure I had a conversation with him about how I “fucking hate” the rest of our coworkers… they deserve it though, they are the ones who drive me to binge drinking in the first place) and (2) some guy I gave my number to a couple weeks ago at a bar and then told him I couldn’t go out with him because I had strep throat (totally true at the time!) (it was really because he was a weirdo on the phone, way too much info about his saltwater aquarium for a first conversation) and then never him called back again. By some stroke of luck, right then my friends friend started puking (she does not love the whiskey as much as I do) so I got to leave. Buffalo is so exciting. Then today I went to the parade and I saw some super-drunk girl almost get hit by a fire truck. She kept running out into the street to give high-fives to people in the parade. So that was great too.

You can blog our conversation as long as you make me seem funny. Like sometimes I have filler material that just takes up space so you might have to edit those parts.

Oh, bad news about the spread of Bob Guiney, apparently he is in multiple celebrity bands, and the soap opera one is playing in NYC tomorrow:

ABC is bringing the Soap Street Jam to New York City!
This time Bigger and Unplugged! Get up close and Personal with your favorite Soap Stars singing with the Bob Guiney Band!!
Some of the attendees will be:
From All My Children:
Jacob Young
Bobbie Eakes
Cady McClain
From One Life to Live:
Kerry Butler
Matt Metzger
Kathy Briar
From General Hospital:
Ignacio Serricchio
Scott Clifton
Plus:
Bob Guiney and the Bob Guiney Band playing along the stars!
Tickets are $55.00 in advance and $75. at the door(cash only at the door)

I don’t know who any of those soap opera stars are. But $55! Isn’t that a little pricey? Let me tell you, people are not going to pay that kind of money in Buffalo. I think we could only change about a $3 cover for people to get into Buffalo Billy-Bob’s on Bob Guiney night.

Anyway, I have to go update my blog with a picture I took of Irish setters in the parade. I wish I had a picture of the drunk girl almost getting hit by the fire truck but I was too busy eating fried dough to have the camera ready. The blog always comes in second.

HmD

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