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Posts Tagged ‘Natalie Portman’

Portman Announcement Hits Reshuffle Button on Delusional Male Fantasies

Posted by evankessler on December 27, 2010

The hopes and dreams of millions of men who harbored the delusion that one day they might have a shot at love with the decidedly un-Tila Tequila-esque Natalie Portman, took a major hit this morning when it was announced that the soon-to-be Oscar-nominated actress is both engaged and pregnant (no word on whether she’s currently barefoot). The Professional actress has long been the celebrity object of affection for a large portion of the male population who always took the fact that her relationship status was never in the public eye, as a sign that she was single and just waiting for the right normal guy to come along. The news comes at an especially difficult time, as Ms. Portman’s most recent performance in Darren Aronofsky‘s psychosexual thriller, Black Swan, seemed to suggest that she might be willing to partake in another vaunted male fantasy, having a threesome with another girl–say Mila Kunis.

With that no longer being the case, a cold winter’s day has just gotten a little colder, as an international day of male mourning has been unofficially declared. It’s been an especially tough year for the unrealistic male sexual fantasy as Megan Fox, Kristen Bell, and now Natalie Portman are officially off the market. The spate of soul crushing weddings (to Brian Austin Green and Dax Shephard, no less) and engagements has sent many a man back into his cave to reshuffle his female celebrity wishlist for 2011 and beyond. The list, which is expected to resemble Maxim’s Hot 100 minus all of the married people with babies, should go something like this (not all 100, just 10):

10. Miss Yvonne- With the re-emergence of Pee Wee’s Playhouse on Broadway this year, our love for “The Most Beautiful Woman in all of Puppetland” was re-kindled. Now we just have to wait for Cowboy Curtis to grow tired of her.

9. Elisha Cuthbert- This 24 and The Girl Next Door star doesn’t seem quite as relevant right now, but that doesn’t mean she’s not involved in lots of daydreams that don’t involve being stuck on a hill with a Puma. Downside, she only dates hockey players. Upside, you’re local semipro league team has a few open slots whether you can skate or not.

8. Rachel BilsonThis former star of the O.C. disappeared from many male fantasy lists after her engagement to Hayden Christensen. That whole thing isn’t going on anymore, so that’s good. Now she just has to be in another movie or TV show so we could remember what she looks like.

7. Eva Mendes- She kinda just seems cool. Am I wrong for thinking that? We would totally get along.

6. Alison BrieOne of the stars of NBC’s pitch-perfect NBC comedy,
“Community,”Alison has comedic chops and is kind of adorable She effectively taps into the “hey this could totally happen” portion of our brain. Also, for people who liked Portman because they could take her home to their Jewish mom, you won’t have to convince Ms. Brie to convert.

5. Olivia Wilde– I didn’t see that new Tron movie on account that I knew it would suck, but I thought about it after seeing Olivia Wilde in the trailer. Good thing I can always watch her for free on that House, M.D. show. You know, the show where the British guy with the good fake American accent improbably saves the patient with a mysterious ailment by breaking all the rules. Also, bonus points for Olivia for changing her last name from the ferociously unattractive Cockburn.

4. Jennifer Aniston- One of the most famous people in the world at one point; she is quietly hoping that “love happens” to her, making this a totally fathomable possibility. Nothing goes as long a way towards turning fantasy into reality like desperation over a ticking biological clock .  This is totally the part where you swoop in. Caution: She wants babies now, but you could probably string her along until you’re ready.

3.  Jocelyn Wildenstein- She may be totally freaky looking, but at least she gives out Snickers on Halloween.

2. Emma Watson– We all felt like kiddie porn-ogling perverts when we first found this Harry Potter star to be gaining in attractiveness. Then we realized she’s actually of age. Phew.

1. Scarlett Johansson– I’ve never been the biggest Scarlet Johansson booster. I mean an album of Tom Waits covers? If that doesn’t scream pretension then I don’t know what does. I just feel like your musical debut should at least have some of your own songs. But this isn’t totally about me, it’s about men everywhere harboring delusions, and now that she’s back on the market, she’s going to need some comforting. Gentlemen, start your imaginations!

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The Most Disappointing 15 Minutes of Fame Ever

Posted by evankessler on June 29, 2009

Eleven-Year Old Harvey Kindlon was so close! He managed to get within feet of uber-beauty of the moment Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers 2, when his well-documented quest to give her a yellow rose was stymied by the flashbulbs of photo hounds from the UK’s trashiest rags.  It seemed all was well that ended well though, as the aptly-named Ms. Fox had seen a photo of the boy pathetically longing in the not-so-distance and issued an apology, noting that ignoring such a doting fan was very unlike her.

In an effort to remedy the situation, Kodak put a down payment on Kindlon’s future as a stalker, by flying the boy out to New York for a second chance at an encounter with the object of his affection and ex-fiancee of Brian Austin Green. It seemed that the stars were perfectly aligned for their whirlwind romance to begin as the sexy M.F. was slated to appear on “The Today Show” on Friday in New York, and the boy would finally be able to shower the star with canary-colored petals.

Alas, if we’ve learned nothing from Bret Michaels, it’s that every rose, indeed, has it’s thorn.  With the sudden death of the King of Pop occurring Thursday, Fox’s appearance was scrapped from the today show and Kindlon’s dreams were subsequently deflated in one fell swoop.  The starlet never entered the gravitational pull of the city that never sleeps, as she
was whisked back to her home in Hollywood, leaving one sad little boy who will most likely learn that he’ll continually be disappointed in his relationships with women if he doesn’t lower his standards.  In a related story, I’ve yet to have that personal political summit with Natalie Portman I’ve been requesting for years.

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Catch A Rising Star

Posted by evankessler on November 20, 2008


I couldn’t sleep last night so in order to curtail my own restlessness I decided it would be a good idea to google myself.  Somewhere between the 19th and 22nd pages of the search results I came upon an IMDB page for myself.  Now, I know I spent a good deal of time toiling away in TV Production, but I never took it upon myself to create an IMDB page.  Sure, I’ve created several other self-promotional pages (this one being the most obvious), but I never once felt compelled to see myself listed alongside the likes of Martin Scorcese and Steve Guttenberg, unless of course there was to one day be a film based on my life.  Then I’d gladly have Guttenberg portraying me while Scorcese directed.

So imagine my surprise when I clicked on it and found details about my involvement in the production world.  Sure they didn’t list my involvement in VH1’s Top 20 Video Countdown or any of my time working on the I Love The 70’s, 80’s or 90’s series’, or even the R. Kelly Trapped In The Closet Special, but they did however note that I served as a Story Producer on Soapnet’s The Fashionista Diaries.  Despite the correct documentation of my role in that production I was disheartened to see that I was listed as being involved in only two of the ten episodes, when in fact I served the same role throughout the duration of the series.  I have no doubt that someone in IMDB-land will see fit to correct this error.  Other than that, I’m quite pleased with being visible in yet another of the World Wide Netweb’s virtually countless avenues.

The most delightful part about this find was the encouraging sight of the StarMeter.  According to this popularity-gaging instrument it would seem that my STARmeter reading has risen 121% in the past week.  I have no idea why this is, but it is certainly an encouraging sign that things are headed in the right direction for me.  Maybe if I move to Hollywood it will skyrocket 200%.

A Closer Look at My STARmeter

A Closer Look at My STARmeter

Actually, I think this STARmeter thing could be a great new strategy in convincing potential literary agents to take on any projects I pitch their way.  All I’d have to say is, “look at my STARmeter…If that’s not enough to tell you this book will sell then I don’t know what is.”

In a related story Natalie Portman’s STARmeter is down 6% today.  I think she needs to latch herself onto someone up and coming; someone whose star has recently risen more than 120%, otherwise her career could be in danger.

Posted in Celebrity, entertainment, Exclusive, Media, Pop Culture, random facts, Television, VH1 | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Natalie Portman, Tween Temptress

Posted by evankessler on March 7, 2005

Before I discuss my weekend I just want to gloss over a certain weird observation I had today. I know this is jarring given the usually linear format of this blog but I guess you can take a shock to the system if I can. So this afternoon I was watching the movie Beautful Girls on one of my 19 new HBO channels. I’m not even sure which HBO it was. Anyway, so Natalie Portman plays Timothy Hutton’s ideal girl if you haven’t seen the movie. The only problem is that she’s 12, which I would say is a huge problem. If you watch the movie straight through and had never seen it before (which fortunately I had) you’d probably suspect that these two are about to run off together given the seriousness with which they discuss their relationship. If this were any other movie it might creep you out but for some reason you find yourself rooting for them and thinking “she is the perfect girl, even at 12.” In the end everyone finds happiness and 30- year old Timothy Hutton doesn’t run off with Natalie Portman and you find yourself simultaneously disappointed and relieved that it doesn’t work out. That’s part where I said to myself, “what is wrong with me?” It’s hard not to fall in love with Natalie Portman in that movie even as a 12 year old. This was only her 3rd movie I believe and already she was treading on familiar territory as an actress. In her first movie Leon: The Professional, she develops another relationship of sorts with an older man who helps her kill the people that kill her family. This whole little rant has no point I was just realizing when I was watching Beautiful Girls that Natalie Portman has a bizarre almost Lolita-esque with older men in the movies she was at the age the marketing people refer to as tweens. I also thought that if I was an older guy at that point I still would’ve thought she was gorgeous. I’ve just disturbed myself. I’m not going to start NAMGLA or anything, so don’t report me. My point is that I didn’t need to see Natalie Portman in a thong in Closer to realize that she was hot. On that note I also didn’t need to see any of those chick flicks with Ashley Judd and Susan Sarandon she made either. And let’s face it, the Star Wars Movies aren’t doing anything for her image.

Natalie Charming a Much Older Man in Tim Hutton

Professional Tween

Okay, now that I’m done disturbing myself and mostly everyone, let’s move on to this weekend’s happenings. First up we’ve got Friday. What happened Friday? NOTHING. Let’s move on to Saturday, shall we? Saturday I went to get a haircut but the person I like to go to didn’t have any time available; so I scheduled an appointment for next week. On my way back home I ran into my friend from Syracuse, Matt Singer. Matt and I chatted for a minute or two which was cool since I hadn’t seen him in at least 6 months. He headed to work at Kim’s on St. Marks and I headed home. I got home and watched Syracuse get blown out by UCONN in basketball and prepared for my evening.

I left my apartment at 9:15 pm and walked to the Bowery Ballroom where I was meeting Arby, Maureen Hoban, and Laura Renga for the Clem Snide show. Our crew was complete by about 10:10 and we walked in and checked our coats and got drinks upstairs during one of the openers. Laura and Maureen were quizzing Rich on MTV’s My Super Sweet 16 because Rich worked on it. They were extremely excited to get any inside information. We went back down for more drinks during the second opener and the conversation was extremely fun and funny for that matter. I think we were all having a good time.

We went back upstairs before Clem Snide went on. The band took the stage at around 11:40pm. Eef Barzelay led the show off with an a capella song that I had never heard before breaking into “Fill Me With Your Light” off of their new album the End of Love. It seemed like we’d be in for quite a show. The band ripped through a bevy (I like that word) of songs off the new album as well as some new songs not on the album. They only played 3 songs off of other albums including two from their 1998 debut You Were A Diamond and one off of The Ghost of Fashion. They didn’t play one song off of Your Favorite Music, which coincidentally has some of my favorite music. That being said the new stuff sounded good with the exception of a few rare Bowery Ballroom sound glitches. The band’s first set ended at around 12:35, which was really disappointing. They came out for their encore after about 2 minutes and ended up playing til 1am but the show just seemed too short. I don’t know if there was a Bowery curfew that did them in but I really wish Clem Snide had played longer.

Shortly after the show ended, Maureen and Laura left and Rich and I drank until the bar downstairs closed at around 2 or maybe later. Overall it was good times and I had a great time hanging out with some of my favorite people. Afterwards, I walked home and was feeling slightly dazed this morning. I watched Beautiful Girls, went to the gym, and then went to Angelika to see Million Dollar Baby, which is a fine feature film and deserving of the awards that were bestowed upon it. That’s not to say other films didn’t deserve awards to. Actually I don’t really think awards are necessary, as long as people get enjoyment that should be enough of a reward to the filmmakers. However, we live in this world and not the fairytale world so people want their movies to win awards and make tons of money. Anyway,
I’m going to sleep. Stay tuned in the week ahead and don’t forget to answer the poll and sign my Guestbook.

CLEM SNIDE 03/05/05 Bowery Ballroom NYC Setlist
Ballad of David Icke

Fill Me With Your Light


German Hip Hop
Jews for Jesus Blues

Break Something Beautiful
Yip Jump Music

Long Lost Twin

New Song – Crash the Party in Your Mind(?)

End of Love (powerfully performed)
New Song – “The thing you claim to love so much you don’t do very well”
Heaven (Talking Heads cover)

God Answers Back

Nothing is Over

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