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Posts Tagged ‘Murder’

America’s Least Most Wanted

Posted by evankessler on January 12, 2010

In this day and age of international terrorism and  ponzi schemes that leave people both morally and financially bankrupt, it’s somewhat nice to hear of a crime where nobody gets hurt– even if there is a certain creepy factor involved. This past Sunday a D.C.-area woman awoke to find a strange man who obviously didn’t get enough positive reinforcement as a child, in bed with her getting his spoon on. Her reasonable reaction to this uncomfortable situation was to scream and flee the scene. Police have yet to catch this burglar of nighttime embraces just yet, but they say his M.O. sounds strikingly similar to that of the “Georgetown Cuddler” (not making this up), which we think sounds much nicer than “Zodiac Killer” or “Son of Sam.”

While we admit there is nothing too desirable about waking up with a strange person in your bed when that act has not been aided by last evening’s alcoholic intake, the name of said deviant has awakened in us a need to think up a few less menacing monikers for slightly more benign practitioners of “crime.”  So without further ado our idea of the lowest on the list of America’s Most Wanted:

The Boston Breakfast in Bed Bandit- Similar to the “Georgetown Cuddler” the “Boston Breakfast In Bed Bandit” breaks into your house.  However, his hands are only put to use in the kitchen instead of your torso as he deftly makes use of anything and everything in your kitchen to prepare for you a dazzling five-star breakfast in bed.  The only downside is by the time he’s done, you have to go food shopping again.

Seattle’s Stealth Stylist- This clandestine criminal works just as well under the cover of night as he/she does during the day to give unsuspecting citizens total style makeovers.  Police have a few leads and have narrowed the suspects down to the out of work Queer Eye guys and castoffs of Bravo’sShear Genius” series.

The Pittsburgh Parking Meter Pirate- This devious thief steals change from parking meters only to fill them back up again ensuring no one ever gets a parking ticket. Legend has it this villain is a former meter maid who was kicked off the force for failure to meet monthly ticket quotas.

Cincinnati’s Cleaning Lady – A big fan of the spic ‘n’ span, this mysterious Midwestern agent of cleanliness has swept through the Queen City with a fine-bristled broom and left nothing but an array of shiny surfaces in the homes of unsuspecting victims.  Some say after she’s gone you can still smell her pine fresh perfume.

We’re sure there are a few other’s we’re missing, like the band of gangsters that fill gas tanks free of charge and loiterers who hand out winning lottery tickets; but this is a twisted world and we can’t account for all of the relatively kind crazies in it.  Just be aware, they are out there.

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Syko Suspected in Slaying

Posted by evankessler on September 21, 2009

We’ve never been accused of a single or even multiple homicide, but we’d imagine that the most difficult part of receiving a fair hearing from a jury of your peers on such charges is the fact that the word “murderer” even with the word “alleged” in front of it carries a pretty negative stigma akin to strike one.  While strikes two and three are usually reserved for damning evidence (or rappers with the name C-Murder) and a subsequent judicial ruling, one potential inmate may have handed over all of the proof beyond a reasonable doubt necessary for cementing his conviction in the minds of jurors with his choice of artistic expression and his knack for picking an appropriate pseudonym. A 20-year-old California-based Horrorcore rapper, going by the name of Syko Sam, is accused of murdering a Virginia Pastor and three others at the home of a Longwood University professor 50 miles outside of Richmond over the weekend.

Syko Sam, whose real name Richard Alden Samuel McCroskey III makes him sound like a 3rd generation Yale legacy, wrote extremely dark lyrics describing the thrill of watching dying victims last breaths and a love of stabbing– amongst other twisted fantasies. We hate to plant our feet  in the “murderer” box on our jump to conclusions mat solely based on some effed up lyrics and a name (after all, we don’t think “The Killers” have actually killed anybody), but there’s some additional none-too-friendly evidence on the suspect’s myspace page linking him to a weekend rendezvous with one teen victim– not to mention the fact that he’s thought to have split from the scene of the crime in one of the victim’s cars.

While we’re firm believers that “innocent until proven guilty” and artistic expression don’t often see eye to eye,  there can sometimes be a thin line between talk and action that warrants our attention.  This might be an example of the latter.

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Beginning To See The Light

Posted by evankessler on April 7, 2005

Ladies and Gentleman, spring is upon us. It’s time to bask in the warm glow of the sun before the humidity sets in and you can’t wait to be near an air conditioner. We had a beautiful day here in the NYC. Temperatures got up to 69 degrees, the sun was shining and I didn’t have to wear a jacket. Is there anything better than short sleeve weather? I think not. I went for two walks today during work, one to ninth avenue for lunch and one to get ice cream around 4pm. I feel like a covered the basics of taking advantage of spring weather during the work day. The only thing I missed out on was having a drink at an outdoor café or something. I know what you’re thinking, “What the hell do you do at work all day that you have time for this?” Well the answer is, I actually had a pretty full day of work. I wasn’t in edit today but I did interview Mo Rocca for the 2nd time since last Tuesday and I was covering for my producer who was out of the office, so there was plenty to keep me busy. However, I wasn’t going to let the work day keep me from enjoying the nicest day of the year so far, I did what I could to take advantage of it. Besides, the rest of my day after work was pretty lacking.

When I got home I stared blankly at the computer screen for several minutes watching the computer play by play of the Mets vs. Reds since they’re not airing it on TV due to the Cablevision – Time Warner dispute and since I haven’t set up my AM radio antenna to actually listen to the game. They update the website about every 60 seconds and sometimes its not completely caught up to the came action and the screen will read 2 balls and 2 strikes for 3 minutes. It’s basically slow torture. After about 15 minutes and one half of an inning, I realized I had to get out of the house or I’d go insane. I took a walk to Tower Records and bought 3 albums. I’m addicted to buying CD’s. I haven’t even got through the other 3 or 4 CD’s I’ve bought in the last few weeks.

By the time I got back it was the 6th inning and the Mets were losing 5-3 but I was determined to ride out the rest of the game or at least sit there until I got way too bored to keep following the game this way. I made it all the way til the 8th inning but luckily a new episode of South Park came on at 10pm and I gravitated away from the computer and back towards the TV. Ironically, the South Park episode was basically about how boring baseball is.

So that’s my night in all of it’s excitement and glory. I haven’t gone out drinking since Friday. Weird, I think that’s some sort of record. I’m going to call Guinness and have them check.
Oh, just another thought. I was reading a news article today that the rapper C-Murder (real name Corey Miller) was changing his stage name to C Miller. The reason for this is that several months ago he was convicted for 2nd degree murder (how ironic) and said that his name was ruining his chances for a 2nd appeal. As if calling yourself C-Murder isn’t idiotic enough, it took him until after his conviction and the failure of his appeal to figure out that the name C-Murder doesn’t sound so good in court.

C-Murderer?

You’d think his lawyer might have recommended this name change beforehand. Changing his name now seems like a moot point. If I went to prison for murder (knock on wood) I think a name like C-Murder might keep me a little safer in the showers and prison yard more so than C Miller would. Just a thought I had. Okay, I’m done. Goodnight.

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Blogress

Posted by evankessler on June 4, 2004

So in place of the previous dialogue about why I want a blog on this website and the slutty SU girl with the controversial blog, I am putting a one act play on the progress of the blog page.

The play is called Blogress. It’s a hybrid of Blog and Progress.

Cast of Characters
EK: Evan Kessler (the designer and host of this website)

JV: John Vacanti (friend of the Designer of this Website who knows stuff about computers)

William D: William D is a donkey from England whom John donates money to every month and gets a postcard in return. Sort of like those Sally Struthers 5 cents a day children in 3rd world countries.

Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado. I present to you:

BLOGRESS
Our story begins as EK, desperate to add a blog or message board to his web site contacts JV on instant messenger.

EK: what are you up to this weekend?

JV: ah- my little cousin’s graduation party is sat-

EK: where?

JV: somewhere in nj-

JV: what are you up to?

EK: oh, i need your computer expertise

JV: humm…i’m not great a macs to be honest- what’s the problem?

EK: i just need to figure out how to do this message board or blog crap

JV: oh – alright-

EK: if you’re around on sunday maybe

EK: plus i can give you your postcard from william d

EK: or your letter actually

EK: you do want your letter from william D don’t you?

JV: you know i do-

JV: but i’m a little confused-

EK: about what?

JV: you want to put a blog on your own site?

EK: or a message board

JV: ok- well a message board is a little complicated-

JV: you could do like a guestbook-

JV: were people could leave you comments-

JV: that would not be too hard-

EK: well can I write things up there and respond and do chains of replies and stuff?

JV: no- you wouldn’t be able to do that w/a guestbook-

JV: that would be a real message board-

EK: well, we’ll weigh our options

EK: we’ll say sunday, and we’ll get lunch or wings or prostitutes

JV: alright- i’m not sure what’s going on sunday- but that sounds good-

EK: jesus christ john, i have a letter from william d

JV: sorry missed that one-

EK: are you prepared to let me destroy a letter from william d all in the name of not helping me

JV: ha- no- definetly not-

EK: that’s what I thought

JV: but my cousin was talking about getting yankee tickets for sunday-

JV: but he hasn’t said anything this week-

EK: jesus christ john, jesus christ

EK: I’m going to fucking kill that donkey

JV: jesus what are you saying!

EK: do you want that donkey to die?

JV: i can always come monday?

EK: jesus christ john

JV: think of the handicapped childern-

EK: Monday?….is that what you want?…You want to wait til monday to see william d?

JV: do you have office on your home computer?

EK: yes john, i do have office

JV: does it have frontpage?

EK: i don’t think so

JV: you should check-

EK: ok, i will

JV: cause all this stuff would be easier-

EK: interesting

EK: i’m pretty sure I don’t have it

JV: they have built in forms for shit that word does not-

EK: oh okay

JV: i still don’t think you can do a full message board- but it would be interesting to see what options there were…

EK: yes indeed

JV: another option would just be to link to site that hosted that feature-

EK: yes, that would be an option wouldn’t it

JV: yeah. we’ll see.

JV: i’m going to go eat something-

JV: i’ll call my cousin tonight- see what his deal is

EK: You go do that. But remember William D.

JV: i’ll kill you.


FIN

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