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Posts Tagged ‘John McCain’

Palin Bids Alaskan Responsibilities Adieu

Posted by evankessler on July 27, 2009

Fans of the political process from sea to shining sea got a big boost of confidence Sunday when Sarah Palin formally stepped down as Alaska Governor. In traditional gubernatorial fashion, the former head of the Alaskan state, showed she was one of the greats, by accepting no responsibility for any of the misfortune and scandal that befell during her abbreviated reign as its supreme leader– most notably the negative attention she and her family garnered as John McCain‘s running mate in the 2008 Presidential election.

In one of her trademark rambling, incoherent speeches,Palin railed against obvious foes such as “the media” who so infamously engaged in their “gotcha journalism” when Palin repeatedly made it obvious that she knew precious few details about government at the federal level, (and god only knows the state level) while being asked simple questions that most people that might be in the position to run the country should be able to answer.

The media wasn’t the only one to blame for Palin’s more than numerous ethical transgressions and personal embarrassments.  SP also hung the heavy burden of her own failure to not engage in scandalous activity on the dainty shoulders of “Hollywood starlets” who “rail against gun rights.” Palin was most likely referring to Ashley Judd who raised a stink when the knowledge arose that the governor had engaged in the inhumane act of aerial wolf hunting.  The ex-governor cited those with Judd-like characteristics as tools of “anti-hunting, anti-Second Amendment circuses from Hollywood.”  Ironically, if the governor had ever seen any Ashley Judd movie she’d know that 50 percent of them end with Ashley gunning down an ex-husband who wronged her.  She went on to justify her gun happy ways with the new motto for her line of fox jerky snacks, “We eat therefore, we hunt.”

Much to the equal delight and chagrin of her Alaskan constituents, Palin promised to continue “charting a new course to advance this state,” one that can most likely only be carried out only from the backrooms of Wasilla bars by an elite force of Snow Machine racers more powerful in scope than a thousand governors.

In closing, what a long strange trip its been for the people of the Alaska, the United States and this sprightly, yet offensively
conservative point guard from Wasilla.  We’re going to miss all of your antics and your gee whiz, you betcha attitude.  The Joe six-packs and plumbers showing their cracks are going to miss your down home style of politickin’ straight talk.

Sarah Palin you’ve served as a model of ineptitude the likes of which haven’t been seen since Dan Quayle helped out with an elementary school spelling bee. When kids see the former governor of Alaska, they’ll see a role model that says, when the going gets tough and you’re really not qualified to deal with it–step down. It’s been refreshing and nauseating all at the same

While we don’t think this is completely the end of the line for the Palin news cycle, we could all use a rest for a while.  Oh well, we hope to see Mrs. Palin on the Republican ticket in 2012, if just for the wealth of material she’ll provide.

Posted in commentary, current events, humor, OneRiot, Politics, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Palin’s Ethically-Challenged Baby

Posted by evankessler on July 22, 2009

Sarah Palin in Savannah, Georgia, Dec 1, 2008 ...

Image via Wikipedia


Embattled yet always sassy Alaska Governor Sarah Palin seems to constantly have lots of ‘splainin’ to do. This week is no differentas John McCain‘s former running mate faces allegations that she used her position as chief executive of “Seward’s Folly” to secure “unwarranted benefits” and snag “improper gifts through the Alaska Fund “–which she had authorized the creation of by her supporters.
The thought that the Governor would use such funds for personal gains is not so far fetched as she had  been known
to employ previously allotted funds on such superfluous items as lipstick to apply to her pit bulls and pigs and expensive outfits to help her play the pretend game of let’s dress like we’re 2nd in-line
to the presidency.
Levi Johnston could not immediately be reached for comment, but we imagine he would’ve pointed out that it could be
worse, she could be the current Vice President or not leaving office in a couple of days.
As for Palin’s excuse, we expect to there to be a rambling, incoherent statement issued on the matter rather soon.


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Poll Positions

Posted by evankessler on October 16, 2008

In times of Presidential Election it seems as though every media outlet has a poll. I wouldn’t exactly consider this here website a media outlet, though I am semi-technically Jewish…so I guess it officially qualifies as one. That being said, I have been discussing politics a lot lately, and I don’t necessarily trust CNN, CBS, Gallup, FoxNews or Quinnipiac University results because of that pesky “margin of error” thing. Therefore I figured should host my own Presidential Poll, because I think if there’s a truly diverse sample of Americans it’s the people who read this site. Also, WordPress just added the option of putting a poll on my blog, so I decided to make use of it.

So without any further ado:

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Final D’Bate ’08

Posted by evankessler on October 15, 2008

Well, the final d’bate of the election season has passed and I couldn’t be happier.  Now all we have to do is sit back and let the candidates give stump speeches and try not to say something horribly controversial that out and out cause them lose the race.  With that in mind, I have some quick hit thoughts about this last d’bate.

#1 I was originally weirded out by the setup of the debate.  Obama and McCain at the same table?  Would there be kicking going on under there?  Would John McCain be forced to look at Barack Obama?  Would their closeness prompt angry Grandpa McCain to take a swing to shut up the upstart whippernsnapper?

#2 McCain seemed to echo the sentiment “American’s are angry and they’re hurting” about six times in his first answer.

#3: McCain ran with turning this actual “Joe the Plumber” person into a metaphor for “Joe Six-pack” way too often to the point where I had no idea what he was talking about anymore.  McCain seemed to lose sight of who Joe Plumber was. First he was a small business owner; then Joe the Plumber was the everyman.  McCain seemed to stumble over trying to involve Joe the Plumber in each of his points instead of just answering questions flat out.

#4: McCain had the zinger of the night with his “If you wanted to run against George Bush, you should’ve run against him four years ago” line.

#5: Obama appeared composed throughout McCain’s accusations  and answered them with poise.

#6 I guess I’m not surprised that Bob Schieffer brought up the issue of the name calling by campaigns.  In my mind, the word “terrorist” is a lot worse than “liar”.   I am surprised by the audacity of John McCain to act as though Obama shouldn’t be as insulted as he should for being linked to civil rights era racism.  Congressman Lewis wasn’t saying that he and Sarah Palin had a hand in blowing up churches in the 1960’s…but the sort of campaign he is running by trying to link Barack Obama with the word “terrorist” is fostering the sort of divisiveness that leads to that sort of behavior.  If anything, McCain should have apologized for his tactics and moved on instead of continuing to talk about Ayers.

#7 John McCain is proud of the people who go to his rallies.  Even the ones who shout “terrorist” and “kill him?”

#8 McCain barely endorsed his own running mate, just repeating the ol’ watchwords Reformer and “bresh of freth air” in “Warshington”.  He seemed to give Biden a more ringing endorsement.

#9  So we shouldn’t take women whose lives are at risk into account when it comes to abortion, John McCain?

#10 ACORN is on the verge of destroying the fabric of democracy?

#11 Enough awkward jokes McCain…You do not have a very good sense of humor…and there’s nothing I hate more than people who think they’re funny and are not.

#12 Probably not a great idea to repeatedly say how eloquent your opponent is Senator McCain.  I know what you were getting at, but your lack of eloquence disguises the point you are making.  Yes, Barack Obama is eloquent and he also does a better job of outlining his ideas instead of mumbling, telling bad jokes, and getting all angry ‘n’ stuff.

#13 It’s still really creepy when John McCain smiles.  I don’t want a President who creeps me out when he smiles.

#14 All in all, I think McCain came on strong at first with attacks but his willingness to go on the offense just ended up seeming angry and impatient as usual.  Obama stayed cool and was prepared to handle all of his accusations with a seemingly strong handle on facts and measured explanations for rebuttal.

#15 Bob Schieffer did the best job out of all of the debate moderators this election.

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A Dog Eat Dog World

Posted by evankessler on October 14, 2008

Chihuaha x Paris Hilton = Please Help Us Canada

Chihuaha x Paris Hilton = Please Help Us Canada

I’m not quite sure what this fascination is with talking dogs, but it seems after 2 weeks filmgoers are still captivated by Beverly Hills Chihuahua against all rhyme or reason. The film raked in another $17.5 million this week. Maybe this is all just a bizarre form of escapism from our current economical woes. People probably just want to see dogs talk because they know it’s a lot less real than the prospect of losing everything they own when the volume of the Dow Jones Industrial inevitably reaches zero sometime before Christmas and The Royal Canadian Mounted Police invade the US in order to create the Socialist States of America, handing out health care to everyone who stands in their way.

I’m not really sure I want to live in a country where a movie about a Beverly Hills Chihuahua and a show where Paris Hilton searches for her new BFF are mutually exclusive anyway.  And who’s to say the Canadian takeover didn’t begin long ago.  What with the National Hockey League having been in existence since 1919 and the league’s slow but sure encroachment on into some of our warmer environs; I say the non-hostile gerrymandering of country lines was set in motion well before Pamela Anderson replaced Farrah Fawcett as the standard for pin up models and began to repeatedly marry our rapidly depleting stock of hepatitis c addled drummers.

If John McCain wins the Presidential Election on November 4th, that will be the last straw.  I will outstretch my open arms towards our nanooks to the North, entreating them to join our two nations together.  And if they respond favorably to that moment, I will greet them as liberators, eh.

Posted in Celebrity, economics, entertainment, movies, Patriotism, Politics, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

John McCain, The Party Candidate?

Posted by evankessler on September 26, 2008

I’m having second thoughts about that last post regarding John McCain’s deceptive cowardice as evidenced by his initial refusal to debate on Friday.  As we all know, Friday is the beginning of the weekend, the night the working class typically goes out to their local watering hole to tie one on and let off some steam that’s been building up all week.  Perhaps Mr. McCain recognizes the importance of Friday night to most Americans and simply believes that watching an important political debate on their most cherished evening of the week is not what the voting public wants.  The people deserve better.  They deserve to have their debates on days where a vital moment in American History merely pre-empts an episode of “Two and A Half Men” or “According to Jim” (is that show still on?) and not a joyous evening of binge drinking where one might get lucky with a longtime crush or local skank.

That being said, with the prospect looming that the American people still could be forced to witness a Presidential debate between the Republican Candidate Senator John McCain of Arizona and Democratic Candidate Barack Hussein Obama, Senator from Illinois on the evening of Friday, September 26th; the least we could do to make the event more in keeping with what most of America would rather be doing is to create a drinking game in blue collar John McCain’s honor.

First off, if you’re going to play the John McCain debate drinking game you’re going to need to be prepared with the proper beverages and spirits on hand.  The following is a list of alcohol and peripheral ingredients to have in supply in order to play the game according to the rules that will be set forth herein:

  • One Keg of beer (hopefully procured by non-Teen Wolf)
  • Angostura Bitters
  • Coca-Cola
  • Cognac
  • Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey
  • Stolichnaya Vodka
  • Hendrick’s Gin
  • Triple Sec (I think this goes in every drink)
  • golden rum
  • Grand Marnier
  • Grenadine
  • Guiness Stout
  • Cremé De Menthe
  • Italian Vermouth
  • Kahlua
  • Orange Curacao
  • rye whiskey
  • Several bottles of Peach Schnapps
  • A case of Jagermeister
  • Several bottles of Vietnamese “ruou de” or rice alcohol
  • Several Bottles of Red Wine
  • Brut Champagne
  • Raspberry Syrup
  • Assorted Juices (pineapple, cranberry, orange, lime, lamb)
  • egg whites
  • plenty of ice

And without any further ado, the rules to the John McCain Debate Drinking Game:

If the debate is not held:

  1. Invite all your friends over and pass out plastic cups.  By the end of the evening your keg should be finished…and you will have probably finished a good portion of the hard liquor.

If the debate takes place:

  1. Before you do anything it’s important to make sure you have a chaser like Kahlua or Creme De Menthe on hand.
  2. Each time John McCain says “my friends” and awkwardly smiles all players must shout “Prost!” and do a shot of Jagermeister.
  3. Whenever John McCain seems genuinely confused about his stance on an issue everyone must do a Mind Eraser shot (ingredients: 2 oz. Vodka, 2 oz. Kahlua, 2 oz.tonic water)
  4. Each time John McCain addresses the United States’ relationship with Russia, viewers wearing even the slightest hint of red must drink a shot of Stolichnaya Vodka.
  5. Each time John McCain talks about the situation in Georgia, it’s Peach Schnapps time.
  6. WIth every mention of McCain’s stint in a Vietnamese prison viewers must swig from a bottle of  “ruou de” or Vietnamese rice alcohol.
  7. If John McCain refers to himself as a “Maverick” viewers must take off their shirts, oil each other up and play beach volleyball while downing Maverick Cocktails (ingredients: 1 1/2 oz. Vodka, 1/2 oz. Amaretto Di Saronno, 1/2 oz. Triple Sec, 2 tsp Galliano, 1 oz. Pineapple Juice) to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ “Playing With The Boys.”
  8. If Barack Obama is accused of being a liberal elitist. any players who attended an Ivy league school must make and drink a Harvard (ingredients: 1 1/2 ounces of Cognac, 1 ounce Italian Vermouth, 2 to 3 dashes of Angostura Bitters)  anyone from New York must drink a Knickerbocker (ingredients: 2 1/2 ounces of golden rum, 1 1/2 tsp Raspberry Syrup, 1/2 tsp orange curacao, 1/2 oz. lime juice, slice of lime)
  9. On every occasion where McCain mentions his running mate, Sarah Palin, any woman in the room must drink an entire glass of red wine.
  10. If securing the U.S.-Mexico border is brought up by the Republican candidate…tequila shots all around.
  11. If either of the candidates should quote lyrics from the song “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles, anyone in the room wearing velvet or velour must make and drink a Black Velvet: (ingredients: Guiness Stout, Brut Champagne)
  12. If John McCain should discuss his extensive “experience” it’s Sex on The Beach:(ingredients: 1 1/2 oz. peach schnapps, 1 1/2 oz. vodka, 2 oz. cranberry Juice, 2 oz. pineapple Juice, 2 oz. orange juice) cocktails for the whole crew.  Also everyone has to make out with the person to their left.
  13. If John McCain should discuss his astounding record of reform it’s time for everyone to chug a Virgin Long Island Iced Tea (Ingredients: not sure this drink exists, Coca-Cola?)
  14. And finally when John McCain mentions all of the good he’s done working on fixing our economy pour yourself a Millionaire: (ingredients: 2 oz. rye whiskey, 1/2 oz. Grand Marnier, a dash of grenadine, and an egg white).

American ladies and gentlemen, I think I’ve provided you with the proper tools necessary to enjoy your friday evening activities whether there’s a debate or not. You can use this game for the other two Presidential debates as well, even though I don’t recommend it for school nights. Now go forth and get soused!

p.s. If you have any more rules you’d like to suggest…be my guest.

Posted in drinking, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

McCain’s Scared Tactics

Posted by evankessler on September 25, 2008

Election day is less than forty days away and with time being of the essence, yesterday, Republican Nominee John McCain decided to suspend his campaign in order to put his full attention on the economic bailout plan.  Another stipulation of the suspension of his Presidential run was that he was opting out of Friday’s scheduled debate with Barack Obama.  Rather than discuss the problems our nation is currently having, McCain has decided to scurry off to Washington so that the nation could rely on the guidance of the elderly Arizona Senator who has admitted in the past that the economy is not his strong suit, to fix it.

While McCain is no doubt attempting to use this as leverage on an issue that he is absolutely getting slaughtered on, I have a measure of faith that the American people will no doubt be able to see through this campaign’s latest attempt to play them for the fool.  If McCain ends up debating on Friday evening look for him to use the “I didn’t want to be here debating the economy, I wanted to be  in Washington fixing it” argument.  Or something like “this is not a time for debate…this is a time for action.  Senator Obama wants to talk about something and I want to actually do something.”

If McCain doesn’t show up to take on his opponent and fellow Senator it will be a great disservice to even those on his side. For the people who have already pledged their vote to him deserve to hear his views juxtaposed with those of Senator Obama.  Not giving them that opportunity out of the fear they’ll no longer offer their support wreaks of disrespect for the mental faculties of your constituents as well as their right to make an informed decision that best benefits themselves.

The fact is, McCain knows he’s about to get embarrassed on national television in front of the entire country and that repeating the buzz words maverick, and reform will not save him.  The only thing that will is the possibility of getting in some extra time to cram before the exam, so that he could maybe spend time familiarizing himself with his own positions.

I have another idea Senator, maybe we should postpone the elections until you feel you’re in a better position to win.  In the meantime, we’ll just keep good ol’ George in office, keeping things running smoothly into the ground, like only he can.  You let us know when you’re ready because the American political system most certainly stops and starts at your convenience.

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The Undecided Special

Posted by evankessler on September 17, 2008

The thing that always gets me fired up around election time is the amount of meaningless drivel that gets spewed into the ether by the candidates and their campaign teams.  In TV ads and debates everyone’s so busy telling why the other guy sucks so much that you never really hear anyone’s competence or willingness to fix a problem asserted.  They just know that the other guy can’t do it.  While I think Barack Obama’s campaign initially tried to sidestep this method his campaign has been just as guilty of rolling with the negative as McCain’s crew has, as evidenced by the “Seven” commercial.   I understand that the easiest way to get people on your side is to discredit your opponent, but to attempt to prey on the weak-minded is the eqivalent of treating a nation of constituents with utter disrespect in assuming they don’t understand the issues and therefore cannot make up their own minds.

However, if you are currently undecided as to whom you want to vote for in November and need an advertisement to tell you, maybe you are a weak-minded idiot.  If you don’t know who you want to support between The War Hero with Experience and The Pretty-Folksy “Reformer”  or The Progressive Minded Hope-monger and his Ballsy Veep choice, maybe you don’t deserve to vote.  The differences in their policies are night and day and maybe you should take a night and a day to familiarize yourself with them so you can spare the world your indecisiveness and reconcile your leanings by actually becoming decisive on the matter.

If that doesn’t sound like fun…maybe you can play a fun election game on the internet that will tell you who you should vote for based on a few statements about the issues.  If five minutes of clicking on quotes that you agree with sounds more fun than reading up on the candidates and the issues, you’ll be delighted to know that ABC has a wonderful little tool called the Match-o-Matic to tell you who you should vote for.

My Match-O-Matic Told Me I Should Support Obama!

My Match-O-Matic Told Me I Should Support Obama!

And getting back to the issues. I was actually delighted today by Obama’s new ad addressing the current financial crisis, that instead of harping on McCain’s senility, actually addressed one of the more important issues facing our nation head on.

Isn’t it refreshing to hear someone discuss an issue.

In the meantime, here’s an utterly ridiculous, nothing to do with anything non-issue heavy McCain Campaign ad.

While I have no doubt McCain’s campaign will come out with a more measured response to the Obama ad in the coming days, I’m pretty glad Obama had the chance to play the adult and have the audacity to actually admit that something is very wrong here as opposed to McCain’s insinuation that “the fundamentals of the economy are strong.”

As someone who has had their share of hard times finding employment, this is an extremely troubling time.  It’s my hope that with forty eight days to election day (and my birthday) that the issues start coming to the forefront moreso than John McCain’s years in a VC prison and Barack Obama’s community organizing…all heroic and positive things, but not the things that will ultimately shape our nation.

Before I finish I have one final request of the candidates, even though no one outside the people I know will probably read this.  It’s my hope that during the debates when the candidates are asked that first question of the evening they spare the pleasantries and don’t waste five minutes thanking and naming everyone under the sun who had a hand in putting together the debates.  We get it, you’re thankful that some college or civic center let you have a debate in their auditorium..and we know you love your families but not thanking them for allowing you to skip dinner that night doesn’t make the world any more or less likely to explode under your watch.  Please just discuss the issues.  Thank you.

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Jesus’ Cousin

Posted by evankessler on March 26, 2008

In recent news, researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society wasted a shit ton of time, and most likely a shit ton of money researching the family trees of the current crop of presidential candidates to make sure they were definitely related to a bunch of celebrities and past presidents. When their findings were exposed in a shit ton of publications, it was revealed that if you went far back enough, John McCain, Hillary Clinton , and Barack Obama were related to some seriously famous and prestigious personages of historical and celebratical (that’s celebrity-related to the word police) importance. After pressing their heads together for nearly 36 months genealogical researchers were able to surmise that not only was Hillary Clinton related to Bill Clinton in some roundabout marriage related way, but she was also related to such bigwigs as Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Alanis Morrissette, Celine Dion, Camilla Parker-Bowles and Jack Kerouac. I wonder if she can sing the lyrics to “Ironic”, “My Heart Will Go On” and “La Isla Bonita” while reciting On The Road.

Now Mrs. Clinton wasn’t the only candidate with impressive lineage. Democratic almost-frontrunner Barack Obama seems to have statesmanship coursing through his veins. Not only does this guy have the potential to be the first black president, but he’s got some dead and even living white presidents cheering on his DNA as well. His distant cousins include President George W. Bush (natch) , George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison . Some of his other cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee. Though to be honest a lot of this dormant DNA could resurface and cause some serious self-loathing. I mean half of those guys hated black people. I think the fact that he’s related to Brad Pitt though will cancel out all of the hate and essentially lead to a Hillary/Obama -Jolie Relative/Pitt Relative democratic ticket.

While Obama and Clinton were both busy bringing their famous relatives to the big election dance, the best Republican Nominee John McCain could do was first lady Laura Bush. This is sure to hurt his chances when Novermber rolls around. I mean what kind of ammunition will McCain have when the critical debate question of “who is the most famous person you’re related to?” is unleashed. It’s sure to be a brutal embarassment.

With all of the ancestral admiration hanging in the balance, I thought it would be of great service if I went the same route as Hilary, Barack, and Mr. McCain and traced my ancestry back to some seriously famous people. As a result, I contacted the good folks of Ancestry.com and implored them to “wow me.” Luckily for myself and you the reader, they came up with some mind blowing results that are exclusive to all evankessler.com readers. Is everyone ready to find out the impressive lineage from which Evan Kessler has descended? I knew you would be…Let’s take a look.

Jesus- This one goes without saying…we’re both Jews…and we both love football

Haile Selassie- The Rastafari messiah himself. I suppose I could see that…though I totally don’t smoke weed, but everyone thinks I do. Maybe that’s where I get that.

Hallie Kate Eisenberg– This doesn’t really make sense since I totally hate Pepsi.

Robert Guillaume- I used to love the show Benson.

Eric Clapton- He’s only passed down the white guy genes, not the guitar playing ones.

Well, that does it for this trip down relative row. If you want to know who you’re related to that’s famous, I suggest running for president or starting your own website and asking Ancestry.com to trace your lineage. I’m sure you’ll come up with some fascinating stuff.

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McCain vs. Huckabee…You Decide!

Posted by evankessler on January 25, 2008

It’s not very often I cover political discussion on this here site, but in light of Sylvester Stallone’s recent decision to endorse John McCain that has sent shockwaves through the American Political stratosphere, I thought I would leave it up to the readers to decide whether or not Mike Huckabee or John McCain is the more suitable Republican candidate. While I’d love to include Mitt Romney in the debate, the fact of the matter is that he doesn’t have an 80’s (or 90’s) action star endorsing him the same way Huckabee has Chuck Norris and McCain has Sly. Now if Steven Seagal or even Jeff “The Perfect Weapon” Speakman were to chime in with their support, that might be an entirely new story altogether, but seeing as Seagal is off following the path of the bodhisattva and has not let his preference be known in the political arena and nobody really knows who Jeff Speakman is, my feeling is that it will come down to these two candidates.

That being said, I do not believe on making my decision on which Republican candidate to endorse based on their policies regarding health care, gay marriage, Iraq, stem cell research, or even taxes. I’m basing my vote on sheer firepower. While it is almost certain that Stallone (McCain) has a higher body count, Chuck Norris (Huckabee) has taken out more people with the sheer force of his mighty fists. Frankly, I don’t see why Norris doesn’t side with McCain based soley on his Vietnam based experiences in Missing in Action II: The Beginning, but politics have always been somewhat of a mystery to me.

In any case, I’m still completely undecided as to who to endorse. So what I’m going to do is post two clips and allow my readers to decide which of the two endorsing action stars is more badass. The one who garners the most votes will receive the prestigious EvanKessler.com endorsement, which is almost as respected as that of the New York Times.

So without any further ado, I ask you…





Remember Super Tuesday is just around the corner…vote early and often.

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