Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’

Favorite Things Friday: The Constitution

Posted by evankessler on October 22, 2010

I’m an American. And as an American I think I should have a few favorite things that are distinctly American. My favorite thing I want to discuss briefly this Friday is the United States Constitution.

So what do I like about the Constitution? I like that it gives us certain inalienable rights. I like that it doesn’t tell us what to do about anything. I like that it tells the government not to do any governing, because that would totally violate those inalienable rights.  Most importantly, I like the passage where Thomas Jefferson wrote, “The founding fathers (myself included) wish it to be  taught in all public schools that Jesus thought it was a good idea that we all be allowed to carry guns. ”

Another favorite part of the Constitution that I love so dearly, is the section where it  gives me “the right to bear arms.” I don’t know what the founding fathers were into in their personal lives, but if I’ve got that worded correctly, it means the  the government can’t impinge on my right to kill a bear, cut off his arms, and sew them to my own so that I could walk around like some sorta bear zombie. Pretty cool.

Those to me are the best parts of the United States Constitution, the document that makes America the place I love. I hope whatever amendment that stuff is in doesn’t get repealed, because it would be a damn shame. That’s why if I lived in Delaware, I’d vote for Christine O’Donnell. Because if god didn’t want a virginal, ex-witch Senator to interpret the Constitution, then why the hell is there one running in the first place?

Posted in humor, Politics, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

A Range of Mangers

Posted by evankessler on December 15, 2009

As Christians around the world prepare to celebrate the birth of their lord and savior less than two weeks from today, many have set up manger scenes of the Baby Jesus.  Though this denotes a joyous occasion, it’s important to note that not all cultures see Jesus as their lord and savior. For Star Wars fans, the savior is Luke Skywalker; for Tom Cruise it’s L.Ron Hubbard; and for some Colombians, Jesus is the newborn son of the local druglord who was showered with gifts such as guns, cocaine, and myrrh (though whomever brought the myrrh was shot out back and fed to the wild dogs) upon birth. Seeing as the Internet is a melting pot of any and all cultures; a front lawn for the tech-savvy, it’s a more than reasonable expectation that there would be various permutations of Christianity’s famous manger scene depicting the three wise men’s visitation co-opted to fit the beliefs of other cultures or by those with entirely too much time– on their hands.  Here are a few favorites we found:

This manger scene by Flickr User Larry Lars provides a double dose of dorkyness (the good kind) combining Star Wars Fandom with Lego ingenuity.

Some people subscribe to a school of thought that Dinosaurs and man co-existed.  This manger scene is for those people.

German Minimalist nativity scene or missing Jenga pieces?  You decide. (Made by Oliver Fabel http://www.oliverfabel.de/)

The Baby Jesus in this nativity scene made bath time so much fun.

No Christmas Is Complete Without A Sighting of the Robot Baby Jesus (via Robot Porn )


We’re sure there are plenty more bizarre interpretations of the nativity floating out there on the world wide web.  Much to our chagrin we were unable to locate a “Sexy Manger.” “Chanukah Christ” or any scene depicting the amount of body thetans Jesus was born with. These will just have to suffice for now. If you have any creative manger scenes send them our way and maybe we’ll show them off.  Otherwise, just carry on happily with your holiday proceedings.

Posted in OneRiot | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Jackson Takes Up Jesus and Mary’s Territory

Posted by evankessler on July 6, 2009

Michael Jackson sure did a lot of crazy shit while he was alive. Whether he was showing off utterly insane dance moves or just dangling genetic impossibilities out of a hotel window in Germany, there was no doubt that the King of Pop could also be the “King of Getting Our Attention.”  While it’s been nearly two weeks since MJ has exited our midst stage left, there’s no guarantee he will ever be absent from the public eye or psyche.  Judging by the fact that his name has been trending non-stop since the events of last thursday, it’s almost safe to say that this cultural icon was someone who resonated with society on such a nearly religious level– almost to the point that you would think he moonwalked on water.

So, it almost comes as no surprise that several days after dancing up to wherever a Captain Eo goes after he dies, the King of Pop is still effing with the people he left behind on earth.  There have been several supernatural sightings of the “Gone To Soon” pop star who once pledged that “Heaven Can Wait.” Indeed, he’s trying to stay true to his word, as not only did his ghost swing by a televised tour of Neverland, but much like religious icons Jesus and The Virgin Mary– the gloved one is showing his face in all sorts of unexpected places.

Most recently, a Stockton, California family found the pop genius’s mug staring at them via the medium of a tree stump.  Felix Garcia apparently stared really, really hard and saw MJ’s face in a tree outside his house– as he had forgotten to stare really hard at his pancakes earlier in the day. Jackson had visited Stockton some 20 years before after fatal shootings at a local school. One neighbor stated that to some members of the town, Jackson meant more than Jesus–which explains why that
neighbor just kept eating his toast earlier that morning after seeing a Christ-like outline in it.

Posted in humor, OneRiot, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Jesus’ Cousin

Posted by evankessler on March 26, 2008


In recent news, researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society wasted a shit ton of time, and most likely a shit ton of money researching the family trees of the current crop of presidential candidates to make sure they were definitely related to a bunch of celebrities and past presidents. When their findings were exposed in a shit ton of publications, it was revealed that if you went far back enough, John McCain, Hillary Clinton , and Barack Obama were related to some seriously famous and prestigious personages of historical and celebratical (that’s celebrity-related to the word police) importance. After pressing their heads together for nearly 36 months genealogical researchers were able to surmise that not only was Hillary Clinton related to Bill Clinton in some roundabout marriage related way, but she was also related to such bigwigs as Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Alanis Morrissette, Celine Dion, Camilla Parker-Bowles and Jack Kerouac. I wonder if she can sing the lyrics to “Ironic”, “My Heart Will Go On” and “La Isla Bonita” while reciting On The Road.

Now Mrs. Clinton wasn’t the only candidate with impressive lineage. Democratic almost-frontrunner Barack Obama seems to have statesmanship coursing through his veins. Not only does this guy have the potential to be the first black president, but he’s got some dead and even living white presidents cheering on his DNA as well. His distant cousins include President George W. Bush (natch) , George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison . Some of his other cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee. Though to be honest a lot of this dormant DNA could resurface and cause some serious self-loathing. I mean half of those guys hated black people. I think the fact that he’s related to Brad Pitt though will cancel out all of the hate and essentially lead to a Hillary/Obama -Jolie Relative/Pitt Relative democratic ticket.

While Obama and Clinton were both busy bringing their famous relatives to the big election dance, the best Republican Nominee John McCain could do was first lady Laura Bush. This is sure to hurt his chances when Novermber rolls around. I mean what kind of ammunition will McCain have when the critical debate question of “who is the most famous person you’re related to?” is unleashed. It’s sure to be a brutal embarassment.

With all of the ancestral admiration hanging in the balance, I thought it would be of great service if I went the same route as Hilary, Barack, and Mr. McCain and traced my ancestry back to some seriously famous people. As a result, I contacted the good folks of Ancestry.com and implored them to “wow me.” Luckily for myself and you the reader, they came up with some mind blowing results that are exclusive to all evankessler.com readers. Is everyone ready to find out the impressive lineage from which Evan Kessler has descended? I knew you would be…Let’s take a look.

Jesus- This one goes without saying…we’re both Jews…and we both love football

Haile Selassie- The Rastafari messiah himself. I suppose I could see that…though I totally don’t smoke weed, but everyone thinks I do. Maybe that’s where I get that.

Hallie Kate Eisenberg– This doesn’t really make sense since I totally hate Pepsi.

Robert Guillaume- I used to love the show Benson.

Eric Clapton- He’s only passed down the white guy genes, not the guitar playing ones.

Well, that does it for this trip down relative row. If you want to know who you’re related to that’s famous, I suggest running for president or starting your own website and asking Ancestry.com to trace your lineage. I’m sure you’ll come up with some fascinating stuff.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »