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Bret Michaels’ Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Posted by evankessler on December 28, 2010

Bret Michaels has now overtaken Confucius as the chief bearer of fortune cookie wisdom as evidenced by this sagacious tidbit I received with my chicken in garlic sauce and wonton soup on Christmas Day:

If my next fortune reads “The wind is for riding” or “Unskinny bop” I may stop ordering Chinese food altogether.


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On Fish, On Ponds

Posted by evankessler on December 16, 2010

“I don’t want to be a big fish in a small pond or even a big fish in a big pond. I don’t want to be any permutation involving fishes and ponds. I just want to go for a swim. ” – Evan Kessler

(Just throwing in some wise saying candidates for my future as an oft-quoted inclusion in Bartlett’s Book of Familiar Quotations. Also, I wanted an excuse to include this annoying fish gif.)



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I Held A Baby

Posted by evankessler on December 8, 2010

There's a First Time for Everything

A particularly wondrous thing about life is that no matter how old you are, you’re provided with an infinite amount of opportunities to contribute to the vast catalogue of first-time experiences. First kiss, first through-the-legs windmill jam, first trip to solitary confinement–these are all things in the canon of possible never-been-done-befores that people may happen upon during their time on this Earth.

Some things are more likely to occur than others, and even some of those more-likely-to-occur things manage to elude  those who are not immune to adventure.

Take me for instance, I’m thirty-two years old and I’ve been to Bangkok, Thailand and Paris, France (amongst other places); I’ve been to summer camp and driven a Smart Car– but up until today I’d never held a baby.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, how does someone who has graced the planet for more than three decades get off scot-free in the holding infants department?

Simple. I made a conscious decision to not hold any children no matter how related-to-me they might be or how adorable they are.

You see, I’m absolutely petrified of both old people and small children. I have  a fear that my proximity to either one of them will ultimately lead to their demise. Not that I harbor some sort of homicidal thirst, rather that my lack of reactive reflexes will prove a detriment for a reasonably helpless being should an emergency situation arise. I generally avoid taking other people’s pets out of doors for the same reason.

So how did this reversal of baby-holding fortune come about, when my stance on such matters up until now had been so strict? Well, I guess you could say I was taken by surprise and had absolutely no choice in the matter.  You see, my old roommate Sean recently had a son with his wonderful wife, and the two of them had come to town on business with baby in tow. Sean and I decided to meet up for a bite to eat and some conversation this afternoon. Upon his arrival on the Lower East Side with newborn son Sims hanging from a pouch around his neck, the three of us traversed the frigid city streets until happening upon a suitable cafe for our outing.

We sat down and ordered a warm alcoholic beverage to soothe our icy insides and a snack or two and got to talking about the state of things, but as our time dwindled down, my former roommate uttered something along the lines of “I gotta get a picture of you with Sims.” Only, the words I heard were, “you gotta take a picture of me with Sims,” meaning I was on camera duty.

Before I knew it, a not-yet three-month-old was being thrust toward me by Sean’s proud parental hands for me to take on the temporary role of “Uncle Evan.” Panic filled me for an instant before calm won out. I gingerly wrapped my hands to encompass the near entirety of the tot’s torso. This was an honor, but still three distinct fears bounced around my brain in the brief minute I held my friend’s son. First, I worried about the implications should I drop him; second, I thought my tight grip specifically designed to prevent me from dropping him could end up crushing his fragile ribs; and third, I was worried that the contents of the diaper soiled early in our first meeting might drip onto my person in a messy heap. Luckily, none of those fears came to pass. Actually, I was surprised how sturdy this two-month old body was despite its diminutive size. There’s something to be said for the intricate architecture of the human body. My momentary marvel over the makeup of this miniature morsel of being aside, there was great feeling of relief when he was received from my  non-child rearing iron grasp.

Even with all of the mental drama, I’m proud to say that I spat in the face of one of my long-abided restrictions. I posed for a photo with an adorable and remarkable piece of life breathing in between my hands, embracing  a new experience. One more down, plenty to go.

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My Flushy Valentine

Posted by evankessler on February 5, 2010

There are certain traditions one can count on every February 14th.  For most, Valentine’s Day conjures up images of lonely single people weeping, romantic candlelit dinners at the White Castle and rose petals lining the floor of the jungle room of the local Econo-lodge creating a colorful path to the coin-operated vibrating bed.

A Toronto area establishment is attempting to add a new wrinkle to the rites associated with the passage of this amorous occasion.  The owners of Mildred’s Temple Kitchen are hoping happy couples will foresake the romance of a champagne-and-strawberries romp down by the fire in favor of a jolly rogering in the presence of a porcelain god. Simply put, the eatery whose name conjures up a visit to grandma’s house, is encouraging it’s V Day diners to have sex in their bathroom.

All of this is evidenced by their website’s enticing inquiry as to whether couples have thought about “moving beyond the bedroom.” To encourage said illicit affairs even further, the management is furnishing the unisex washrooms with copies of the Kama Sutra.

While we imagine the erotic occupation of the john puts a damper for any significant other who was planning on using the restroom to  propose or the janitor on cleanup duty, we applaud the effort to make romance in even the least sanitary of places. It’s even inspired us to come up with a few of our own groundbreaking suggestions for sprucing up this somewhat cliched holiday, whether in public or in the privacy of your own home:

Swingers Night at Fuddruckers
Why not sweeten up your relationship on Valentine’s Day by convincing the local Fuddruckers franchise to host a swingers night?  Turn your loved one and a few significant others into a sexual sundae on this sensual Sunday.

Crying at IKEAInstead of openly weeping by your lonesome in your living room, you and other singles can gather at IKEA and cry about being alone in reasonable facsimiles of the rooms you normally do it in.

Saw Movie Marathon- Watching torture porn together might not be as much of a turn on as watching actual porn for you and your loved one, but once the films are over you could play a stimulating game of “would you rather.”  First question: If we were being held captive by a serial killer and given a choice, would you rather cut off your own genitalia or decapitate me?

Single Ladies Danceathon-All the Single ladies without a ring on it will blast Beyonce’s hit song to celebrate not getting flowers or chocolates whilst convincing themselves that being alone is much better anyway.

Gentleman’s Club Marriage Proposals- What better way to show your lady that you have only have eyes for her than by popping the question in a roomful of naked women who you don’t want to marry.  Makes perfect sense, right?

There’s plenty of ways to show someone you care on Valentine’s Day.  You could go with the old tried and true or try something new.  We can make some suggestions, but the rest is up to you.  Start planning now.

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OneRiot’s Guide to Holiday Parties

Posted by evankessler on December 2, 2009

December is at long last upon us and though we here at OneRiot can feel the icy chill of winter wafting towards us through that drafty window, we’ve already had a few days to wrap ourselves in the Holiday season‘s snuggie-like grasp . ‘Tis the season to throw a major rager full of yuletide cheer and crisp cool beer–or if you prefer, hot toddies. If you’re concocting a party plan to go along with some holiday punch with extra kick, we have some suggestions on how to make your annual winter gala one for the ages.

  • Dress for the occasion- We all have that one horrible sweater with reindeer on it that needs considerable dusting off in mid-December before it succumbs to the annual wear and tear of egg nog spills.  Break it out.
  • Make A Proper Holiday Mix- Start your evening off with some classic winter tunes along the lines of Dean Martin‘s “Baby It’s Cold Outside” and around an hour and a half in when people are starting to get antsy and dancy spring “Do They Know It’s Christmas” and Run DMC‘s “Christmas in Hollis” before it turns into a full on 80’s dance party.
  • Rent A Copying Machine- If you’re having a holiday party and don’t have a copying machine, you’re really missing out. The room where the copier is is the equivalent of a bedroom on MTV Cribs. It’s where the holiday magic happens.
  • Ice Luge- With the winter Olympics coming up, what better way to pay tribute this holiday season than by having alcohol sled down your throat?
  • Living Nativity Scene– Convince a few of your friends to dress as the three wise men complete with a manger and baby Jesus. Have everyone else at the party place bets to see how long you can get them to stay in their positions before they get sick of it and are compelled to just join the party.
  • Don’t Forget Your Jewish Friends- They may celebrate with a hannukah bush and by lighting candles, but just because they’re not caroling doesn’t mean they don’t know how to cut loose.  Playing spin the dreidel can be more fun that spin the bottle because it has levels of hooking up.  Land on “gimmel” and you could have a very happy holiday.
  • Have A Bag- Everybody loves presents.  Give everyone a ten dollar limit for a grab bag and enjoy the disparity in gift quality as some party-goers end up with wondrously inventive gadgets and others wind up with total crap.

Most importantly, make sure to invite all of your best friends to the party.  After all, the holidays are about spending valuable time with the ones you love and maybe some you’d like to get to know better under slightly less inhibited circumstances.

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