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Posts Tagged ‘health’

Mona Lisa: The Picture of Imperfect Health

Posted by evankessler on January 6, 2010

Beauty is often in the eye of the beholder, and to many beholden art fanatics not currently trolling the Internet for fake nude images of Megan Fox, Mona Lisa is the most beautiful vision on any canvas hung on any wall the world over.  While the image painted by Leonardo DaVinci (a distant relative of Leonardo DiCaprio) has come to define an otherwordly allure, it turns out the merchant’s wife with the sly smile may have not exactly been the picture of perfect health.

An Italian medical expert (with entirely too much time on his hands) has determined that the ageless, oil-painted, head-turner probably had high cholesterol due to visual evidence of a xanthelasma– or a cholesterol deposit– in her left eye. Nevermind why we needed to know that, because Vito Franco–Professor of Pathological Anatomy at the University of Palermo– has been dedicating time and presumably wasting valuable grant money searching for venereal diseases in Vermeer paintings and staring at sculptures to spy sickness.

In order to expedite his research, we here at OneRiot did a little medical ogling of our own, free of charge no less, and found some shocking historical art ailments for Franco to add to his list.  Here goes nothing:

Whistler’s Mother- Whistler’s Mother was paralyzed from the waist down.  Why else would she be sitting?

Venus DeMilo- Leprosy.  The whole no arms thing is a dead giveaway.

The Thinker- Rodin’s model for the thinker was actually just dealing with a migraine headache. If anything profound ever came from those thoughts he would’ve been called “The Philosopher.”

Girl With The Pearl Earring- This arresting lady portrayed by Scarlett Johansson in the film of the same name suffered from Cauliflower ear.  It would’ve been called “The Girl With 2 Pearl Earrings” had they been able to get a pearl earring on her other ear, but that thing was just hideous and probably would’ve ruined the painting.

American Gothic- The male farmer in this classic Grant Wood painting is not only suffering from advanced Alopecia (hair loss) and Osteoporosis brought on by his old age, but also a mild dose of dementia as evidenced by his need to bring a pitchfork to an invitation to pose for a painting.

We’re sure we missed a simple goiter in a Van Gogh or a telling rash on a Rembrandt, but we just thought we’d leave those other maladies for the experts to mine.  After all, if a picture is worth a thousand words, why shouldn’t a healthy dose of those words be used to describe diseases?

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Frosty Mugs of Cancer Drugs

Posted by evankessler on December 9, 2009

It’s long been common knowledge that a glass of red wine a day keeps heart problems at bay. While that nightly helping of Chianti compliments Anthony Hopkin’s Fava Bean salad recipe quite nicely and puts a damper on hypertension, it isn’t the only alcoholic beverage that can improve your overall well-being. A recent study showed that each pint of beer ingested could help reduce a man’s risk of coming down with prostate cancer. This preventative power of pale ales and lagers alike can be attributed to xanthohumol, a compound gleaned from hops that tends to stand in the way of a chemical reaction that often leads to the big C. This new finding has yet to send shockwaves through the brew guzzling community, but we here at OneRiot think acknowledging this finding this and other positives related to alcohol could stand to transform the drinking culture in the following ways:

  • The drinking age will be lowered to 18, the logic being, if you’re old enough to go off and fight for your country, you’re old enough to fight cancer in your own body.
  • DUI or DWI will be changed to DWPPC for “Driving While Preventing Prostate Cancer.” or if you’ve been drinking wine, DWFH for “Driving While Fighting Hypertension.”
  • Beer Pong will now be referred to as Cancer Fighting Pong.

Introducing the American Cancer Society‘s New Mascot…Keggy!

  • College bars and dormitories will become the new centers for prostate cancer research.
  • Super Bowl Sunday will be turned into a National Holiday known as National Battling Prostate Cancer While Watching Football Day.
  • Brewing Companies will reap tax exemption benefits when they are recognized as charities.
  • No more waiting in “beer lines” at the stadium; instead they’ll go by “vaccination queues. Keg stands will be just another method of taking your medicine.

Alright, so maybe the world won’t turn into a haven of vastly acceptable alcoholic indulgence, but at least we know that appeasing our urge to down a cold one every once in awhile (or on a daily basis) brings with it more reward than just waking up on the lawn the next morning.  That doesn’t mean you should disregard the need to “drink responsibly and know when to say when.”  If the folks at the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company in St. Louis, Missouri abide by that rule, so can we here at OneRiot. Cheers!

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9-1-1 Is No Joke

Posted by evankessler on November 13, 2009

Public notice on highway

Image via Wikipedia

According to the Public Safety and Homeland Security Bureau, “911 lines are designated for emergency calls, such as reporting a crime in progress; reporting a fire; or requesting an ambulance.” Notice that nowhere in that official description was there mention of a “sexual emergency.”

If only Joshua Basso had access to that description prior to calling every living heart attack victim’s favorite three digits, he’d have saved himself from a heap of trouble–and not sexy trouble like getting a flat tire in a porn film. The 29-year-old Tampa Resident was arrested after aiming lewd comments at a 9-1-1 operator and subsequently throwing in a little “my place or yours” action in the hopes of completing a titillating tryst with said catastrophe clerk. We understand Basso’s reluctance to dial a 1-900 number on account of the hefty cost, which is no small change when you’re unemployed, but there are certain things you just can’t justify calling a public emergency hotline for– and dirty talk is most certainly one of them.

In order to get a handle on other emergency phone-pas, OneRiot is taking a stroll down memory lane and throwing in some new suggestions of our own of when not to call 9-1-1″

1.Fast Food Fix- From the woman in Haltom City, Texas who dialed the three magic numbers to complain that her local Chinese restaurant had been skimping on the shrimp to the recent incident in Hawaii when a drive-thru customer rang to complain over a missing box of OJ from his Mickey D’s breakfast; these are situations best left for a managerial complaint or the Better Business Bureau, lest the cops consider the withholding of a single prawn to be a hostage situation.

2. When You’re Being Adorable- Kids are adorable and sometimes adorable kids make life- saving phone calls. Sometimes they just want help with their math homework.  Awww.

3. Fictional Character Medical Emergency If you just so happen to be watching your box set of Dallas and you get to the point where someone shoots J.R., do not call 9-1-1.  JR Ewing is not a real person and judging by his lack of scruples he probably deserved it.

4. Marijuana Overdose Hockey Score Curiosity-
Getting really high on pot by eating a whole bunch of brownies and having a freakout is sort of a medical emergency, but needing to know the score in the Red Wings game is not.  If you can use the phone, you can probably also turn on ESPN.

5. Your Child Has Not Floated Away In A Balloon- If you own some sort of Mylar balloon that was set free and your child is not inside of it floating across the state at great heights and you don’t fear for his life…you should probably not call 9-1-1.  It will save you, the 24 hour news networks, and the general public a lot of time and grief.

Let this be a lesson to you.  If you tend to over-react and have an itchy phone trigger finger, take a deep breath, step back and assess the situation before calling 9-1-1.  It’s for emergencies.

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Break on Through on the HIV Side

Posted by evankessler on September 25, 2009

Safe sex, not using needles, and being Magic Johnson are three ways to keep the virus that causes AIDS in check–though awareness of those factors has yet to alleviate the epidemic. We’ve long held out hope that science could come to the rescue and eliminate our fears of the deadly retrovirus, and alas it has finally given hints that it is willing to extend its equivalent of a cooperative helping hand.

A new vaccine tested in Thailand has been shown to decrease the risk of contracting HIV by 31%. The world’s largest AIDS Vaccine trial, sponsored by the US Army and the National Institute of Infectious Diseases, took a sample of 16,000 participants administering half with dummy shots and the other half with the vaccine.

The result proved to be a significant moment in showing that the fight to end the spread of AIDS is perhaps a winnable one. We imagine it’ll be another few years before the vaccine goes into production if additional tests end up proving this to be the real deal. Meanwhile, we don’t recommend getting all handsy and beyond without protection, because the alternative is none too appealing.

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What Salad?

Posted by evankessler on July 24, 2009

Romaine lettuce (Lactuca sativa var. longifolia).

Image via Wikipedia

American dependence on the meal staple that is salad took a serious hit today when California-based produce company Tanimura and Antle Fresh Foods Inc, announced a recall of Romaine lettuce.  The Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, while conducting a random contamination test (which also allows for other possibly affected random brands to go untested), selected said brand only to find that infamous form of bacteria known as Salmonella had reared it’s ugly head.

So far there have been zero cases of food borne illness reported in connection with product, no doubt the result of a nation teetering on the brink of obesity who when asked to point out romaine lettuce mostly just motions with a confused shrug as  most Americans are more familiar with romaine lettuce as that leafy green thing wedged beneath onions and that round red vegetable-looking thing on the side of their deluxe burger and fries platter that usually goes untouched.

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It’s 2008, Now Lose Some Weight

Posted by evankessler on January 4, 2008


I partied like there was no tomorrow from December 29, 2007 until January 1, 2008. When tomorrow finally came on January 2nd, I stepped on the scale and noticed that my weight had reached the highest point it had been in my entire life. It was time to take action…but what exactly was the proper course of action. I pondered my options and while exercise seemed like the most practical course of action, perhaps there was no harm in exploring a quick fix.

The TV stations were littered with ads for products like Hydroxycut which apparently had the ability to give you ripped abs just by taking pills. I didn’t catch what the side effects were, but I imagined they would probably be along the lines of imminent death, rashes, constant sweating and erectile dysfunction. Despite the fact that they offered the first month free and my money back if I wasn’t satisfied, the prospect of dying or resembling Alex P. Keaton in the diet pills episode of “Family Ties” was none too appealing.

The next option that popped into my head was bulimia. That seemed to get people thin according to the tabloids. However, I was all too familiar with the effects of bulimia thanks to the episode of “Diff’rent Strokes” when Kimberly, played by Dana Plato, keeps puking up her meals in the Drummond bathroom, “What you pukin’ up Kimberly”. Being bulimic didn’t get Kimberly anywhere as evidenced by the actress that played her is now dead.

With Bulimia crossed off of the list, I explored my options with Anorexia Nervosa. While I was examining this option it was still morning and I hadn’t eaten and having eaten entirely too much the day before I wasn’t hungry at all. The situation was starting to play out beautifully in favor of becoming anorexic. However, several hours later, as I wandered into the kitchen I felt a rush of hunger. Peering into the cupboard I noticed an unfinished box of cereal I had previously purchased and thrust my hand inside for a taste. It was so tasty that I couldn’t imagine giving up food in favor of, well, no food. Anorexia was then crossed off my list.

Feeling defeated at finding a quick fix option and not having the money for liposuction, I came back to the old tried and true, exercise. But how could I exercise? Obviously there are many ways for people to exercise but there is only one way for me to exercise and that’s at a gym. Sure for some people it’s easy to go running around the park over rugged terrain, over the river and through the woods, and be in perfect shape by the time they get to grandmother’s house, but I’m no outdoorsman. I require the cool comfort of a well maintained fitness club.
A treadmill moving under my feet, really gets my feet a movin’ and the sweat a drippin’. When I’m in that fitness club I can burn calories with the best of them. There’s nothing like a few minutes on the elliptical to make a man feel like a man.

That being said, I chose the closest gym there is…right across(or a litte down the street and diagonal) the street from the ol’ abode. Whenever I leave my home I’m reminded, “Hey, maybe you should go to the gym instead of getting 9 beers tonight.” I call that the voice of reason. The voice of reason also says, here’s to a fitter, healthier EvanKessler.com in 2008!

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