Evan Kessler Dot Com

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Posts Tagged ‘Friendster’

The Woodworks

Posted by evankessler on May 15, 2008


Whether or not you consider yourself a member of Generation X, Generation Y, The MTV Generation, or The Generation that really hates to be labeled with letters; if you’re under the age of 40, odds are that you’re currently lumped into a new generation known as the Social Networking Generation. Ever since the dawn of Friendster sometime around 2003 it’s been totally cool to have a digital space to show all of your friends how many other friends you have just in case you want to make them jealous that you might have other people to hang out with besides them or if you want your other friends to find someone attractive within your group of friends they don’t know that they may want to hook up with.

Aside from the glory that comes along with showing off the fact that you are semi-acquainted with more than 116 people, there are some drawbacks that go along with Social Networking. The biggest annoyance is that which I call “The Woodworks”. The “Woodworks” are the group of people from your past who you may have met in school or perhaps during a boating accident that come seemingly out of nowhere or from the deep recesses of the forest known as the Internet to declare that you are indeed friends with them despite having been out of your life for somewhere between ten to fifteen years. While there are a decent portion of these so-called “Woodworks” that are recognized as welcome additions, many of them might as well go back to existing in the vacuum where they came from.

So why do they do it? Why do these Woodworks feel the need to re-establish contact with your metaphorical mission control? Maybe they’re hoping to rekindle a long dormant friendship or rehash some of the good ol’ times. While those possibilities sound marginally fantastic, chances are they just want to add you to their impressive roster of people they sort of know, but aren’t planning on speaking with any time soon.No matter how curious you are about their well being or their whereabouts…all you are to them is a personal ornament on display for their own popularity’s sake that they can occasionally spy on.

This begs the question, why even accept woodworks into your social networking circle? Well, fellow Internet denizen, while there is no positively concrete answer to this query, there are certain acceptable responses; the first is that becoming friends with them may arouse enough curiosity in said person that they might see fit to rediscover your once unbreakable bond. However, the most popular reason for acceptance of said netquaintances is the hope that adding them to your friend roster will result in a future hand job or awkward sexual encounter made possible by a binge drinking outing.

In the early days of Social Networking on Friendster my policy towards “Woodworks” was what I would abbreviate as N.W.A. as in NO WOODWORKS ALLOWED. However, as time wore on though, I found this policy to be harder and harder to follow as more and more actual friends started adding people willy nilly and their friends with whom I was only a casual acquaintance would see fit to add me as a friend. In order to avoid any initial awkwardness that might occur if I were to ever see those people in person again, I would accept them into my circle.

As Friendster died out and Myspace emerged on the Social Networking landscape with shirtless abandon, I found myself reasserting my NWA policy. There was a certain incident early on where I rejected someone who had been very nice to me in High School because I was certain of the fact that I wasn’t going to ever hang out with them, thus there was no point to accepting their digital friendship. When people on Myspace friended me whom I didn’t recognize I would politely send them an email asking, “To what to do I owe the pleasure of this friend request.” Most responses were along the lines of “I”m friends with your friend” or “you seemed like a cool person” and despite my initial policy, I found myself hypocritically allowing them to join the exclusive “Friends of Evan Kessler Club”.

It was also towards the beginning of the reign of Myspace that another “Woodwork” approached me to join another Social Networking site called Multiply. The “Woodwork” in question was a girl I knew from summer camp who barely ever gave me the time of day. Despite my initial misgivings and my general feelings about “Woodworks”, I joined the site.

Within a week of being on the site, I had written a post about my disenchantment with the site’s features. However, I was unaware that unless specified, the post would go out to the entire site. As a result, the particular “Woodwork” in question was mortified by my opinions due to the fact that she was friends with the developers. She asked me not to say anything negative about the site, which was essentially asking me not to have an opinion. I thought this was the lamest thing I had ever heard and never really attempted to use the site again. I should have spent the next week spewing negative comments just to spite her, but that wouldn’t have been very adult of me. Either way, I didn’t owe her anything. All she had ever given me was a lame new way to socially network with people I didn’t care about with a side of unwarranted criticism.

Now as we bask in the Facebook period of the Social Networking Era…we’ve been blessed with many gifts. We have the ability to play scrabulous with our friends online or digitally poke them when we’re not physically trying to poke them. However, one thing still persists and that’s the “woodworks”. Nary a day goes by when someone doesn’t come out of the woodwork to say, “Hey Evan, we were friends once…let’s be friends and ignore each other just like old times.” While I don’t claim to be utterly faultless in this ultimately painless though soulless act, I try my best to combat it. It’s as simple as writing a note that says…”Hey how’s it going?” See, it’s not so hard to at least pretend you care.

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Posted in Evan Kessler's Greatest Hits, Myspace, Social Networking | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Makin’ Friends, The Myspace Way

Posted by evankessler on March 21, 2006

This is Heather. Heather is in my top 8. Heather is a leader. Notice her Evankessler.com Shirt.

The following entry consists of an ongoing correspondence between myself and Heather D.(not to be confused with Heather B from the original Real World season.) I first became aware of Heather through our postings on Adam Starling’s blog. I have become increasingly aware of Heather ever since and one day she decided to myspace friend request me. Since that day, we have enjoyed a string of emails consisting solely of enjoyable witty banter that I have found astronomically amusing This is that string. I hope you enjoy our back and forth wordplay but if you don’t you just may be a dullard. Heather also has her own blog that I find to be wonderful and stimulating. Anyway, I think this a really great email string so read it.

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 6, 2006 11:47 PM
Subject:
hello
Body:
Hello, to what do I owe the pleasure of this friend request? I always like to do a little getting to know you email before accepting a friend request. So, what’s going on?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Mar 7, 2006 10:03 AM
Subject:
RE: hello
Body:
Wow, I am impressed with your myspace integrity! You are not one of those myspace sluts, adding friends willy-nilly. Anyway, do you know who I am, remember, we both used to leave comments on Adam Starling’s blog, a long time ago (November ’05)? Plus I read your blog. Actually I just realized that I haven’t read your blog in a long time and then I went to read it and now I know that you are suspicious of me because I have so many shirtless friends. I don’t read your 24 entries though. Sorry. It’s only because I don’t watch 24. And sometimes I skim the really long paragraphs about people I don’t know.

Anyway, I joined myspace because I am home sick from work with a disgusting sinus infection and I got sucked into internet stalking my minor celebrity boyfriend Patrick Park (who is apparenlty all about myspace, which only makes me think a little bit about breaking up with him). Then once I started using myspace I was so dazzled by the glamour! Did you know all the beautiful people of LA use myspace? I read that in Vanity Fair.

What’s going on with you? Actually I already know from your blog. But don’t worry! You’ll get a job! I think you’re very witty.

Heather

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 7, 2006 10:38 AM
Subject:
RE: RE: hello
Body:
Hey Heather,
I was being selective but then I realized I could break a few rules when I recognized Starling’s bird icon in your friends list. It was at that moment I said, ah yes, Heather. I know who thou art. Let me just say it is a pleasure to make the acquaintance of your cyberspace alter ego which just so happens to be your regular ego.

In all fairness, I too was reluctant about Myspace membership and still remain so as I was a fan of the Friendster and don’t really understand why it has become “totally gay”. I don’t think Myspace possesses any superior qualities unless you count an overabundance of annoying people who like crappy music as a superiority quality. However, I’m fairly confident that you don’t find this to be superior quality. I can tell that much.

That being said, welcome and I hope you can handle the frequent posting of obnoxious surveys, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned. There’s plenty of that.

Oh and thank you for the compliments. I always tend to get embarrassed by them and not really comment on them, which is ironic being that I am an attention whore.

How are things up in the Buffalo?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 8, 2006 6:12
Subject:
RE: RE: RE: hello
Body:
I know, I am sad for friendster too, it is so much classier and gives me so much less of a headache than myspace. I do hate how people embed bad music in their profile so that it startles me while I am trying to look at all their horrible, blinking icons. For a while I had a myspace profile that I tried to make as obnoxious as possible, it was hot pink with a tiny turquoise font and a lot of animated dolphins and for my user picture, I cropped the head from one of those creepy dolls on the realdoll website. It was all plasticky looking. And then I forgot about it all for a few months, and when I logged back in I had HUNDREDS of messages from icky random men telling me I was hott. And that is the story of how I lost all respect for myspace. It’s too much like spring break.

Things are always thrilling here in Buffalo. We’re having a flood watch now since apparently all our snow is going to melt all at once tomorrow. I imagine you don’t have excitement like THAT in your fancy “New York City.”

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 9, 2006 3:12 PM
Subject:
hey, new subject
Body:
I enjoy your analogy likening Myspace to Spring Break. It is perhaps the most accurate depiction of anything I have ever heard or read for that matter. I only went halfway towards pimping or whoring out my profile by filling out one of those surveys. I also put a song up but I decided mine would not be abrasive and unpleasant. I was afraid that if I went all the way with making my profile the most ridiculous thing possible I would no doubt get an influx of dumbasses wanting to get 2gether and chill or sumthing yo. Your experiment seems to have proven that point. I salute you for being brave enough to attempt the Internet equivalent of base jumping.

Anyway, things in New York are not that thrilling though I have to believe they could be more thrilling than Buffalo. I don’t mean to demean Buffalo but I have a fair share of friends from there and one even went so far to name his indie record label “Kill Buffalo” due to his fondness for his childhood home. That being said, there may be infinitely more to do here without spending money though I’ve been on my fair share of aimless wanderings throughout the past few months and I’ve decided that the occasional money earning job could supplant that as a new favorite activity, though only temporarily. Just yesterday I strolled through central park, which is something I rarely do because I am not within the closest proximity to it. I prefer the confines of drug addled Washington Square Park. I enjoy wandering through and counting how many times I am offered drugs on any given day. I believe the highest count is 8. That record will fall in the summer.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 10, 2006 11:37 PM
Subject:
RE: hey, new subject
Body:
Oh please, your profile is barely even half a whore, it does not even have an animated fire background. But your survey is entertaining. You owned that survey, Evan Kessler. I’m not even going to do it because there’s no way I can compete. Besides, my profile is starting its slow decline as a result of my new three-pronged approach to myspace. The first prong involves disabling email alerts so that myspace cannot molest me in my everyday life. The second prong is to accept the advances of every semi-literate wannabe-gangsta in Buffalo who wants to be myspacesters with me. I haven’t really nailed down the third prong yet, but it’s either going to be to post huge, horrible blinking gifs in everyone’s comments, or to completely lose interest in myspace. Anyway, a result of the second prong is that when I add some guy whose general interests are “sex and jetskiing” I feel compelled to change my own interests to “sex and jetskiing.” Sex and jetskiing! Hott AND adventuresome!

You tell your friends that it’s not cool to insult Buffalo anymore, now the hip thing is to talk about Buffalo’s lively arts scene. Actually there are good things about Buffalo, such as how you can buy a beer for $1.50, and how if you go see a band on a Wednesday night, there will be approximately four other people there, which I guess is not always good depending on what kind of band it is, but is interesting in a “this band is playing for me personally” way. I feel like everything in NYC is always crowded. And I like to have a lot of personal space. And don’t judge Buffalo just because I am writing you a myspace message at 11:30 on Friday night. I had a date that needed to be shut down early. That could happen ANYWHERE!

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 10, 2006 11:46 PM
Subject:
AND ONE MORE THING
Body:
Also, I want to support your myspace whoring/unemployed state because I like your “who wants desert” shirt, because people totally do spell dessert wrong, but I don’t like the cap-sleeve shirt, can you make it be on a regular shirt? Maybe a yellow one. I know it is complex because cafepress only lets you have one of each thing, right. But you’re not busy, are you?

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 11, 2006 7:09 PM
Subject:
request granted
Body:
Your list of positive aspects of Buffalo life are duly noted. I can get behind any place where beer costs $1.50. I do know of such places in New York, though most of them consist of bikini clad bartenders who dance atop the bar to country music, sometimes they even set it on fire. Actually, who am I kidding, I love those places, though I don’t always enjoy the crowds they attract.

I also like your 3-pronged strategy, especially the second one. Imagine loving both sex and jetskiing. Talk about depth of character. For that you get to be in my Top 8. I’m currently debating accepting a friend request from a 19 year old girl in Utah named Chelsea. When I quizzed her as to why she wanted to be my myspacester she said it was due to the fact that she had several friends named Evan and only had good experiences, save for one of them.
She also likes curly hair, and while I can’t deny her reasons I’m not quite sure its enough. Though the fact that she just finished hair school may just push her over the top. I may defer this decision to you as a new valued member of my top 8.

I also have to say I quite enjoy the nature of our conversations. They are very well written and thought out. I feel smarter for even having them. To the outside observer it might appear as if we are reciting dialogue from an episode of Dawson’s Creek. Though I fear if we were ever to meet in person you’d have a hard time believing that these messages were not ghost written.

Oh, and one more thing…I’ve given you the option of the yellow who wants desert shirt or the white one. The only thing is that the one with the yellow has “www.evankessler.com” on the back. If you want me to remove said blatant advertisement it can be arranged. Or you can just get the white one. That one’s cheaper anyway. You were correct in assuming I had nothing to do, because I dealt with your request upon first receiving your previous message.

Alright, this is where I end the message. I may see Adam this evening and we may sing some Karaoke together. It will be an event. I hope you have an excellent Saturday evening. Talk to you soon.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 12, 2006 10:42
Subject:
RE: request granted
Body:
Wow, Evan Kessler’s Top 8! Is there a t-shirt for that? Anyway, in exchange for the coveted spot in your Top 8 I will endorse your website on my desert shirt. I stand behind evankessler.com.

Hey, are you talking about the Coyote Ugly bar? I love that movie.

I have discovered a new fascinating aspect of myspace, which is how you can interact with minor celebrities, such as Bob Guiney (ABC’s The Bachelor ..4). I imagine this is not exciting to you since you worked in the field of minor celebrities who love decades, but I find it endlessly amusing that Bob Guiney himself clicked the little box that approved my add request. I impacted Bob Guiney’s life! Let me know if you can think of any other good minor celebrities for me. It’s hard to think of ones who were famous enough to be exciting but are currently unfamous enough to be clinging to popularity via myspace.

I think you should add Chelsea, as long as she is hot. Plus, won’t she be insulted if you don’t add her now that you have corresponded with her? Maybe you should do what I do: approve everyone, then delete them later if they start being annoying and posting ten thousand bulletins about sex. I am a passive-aggressive myspace user.

I feel so pressured to keep up the wit now that you have invoked the Creek. I feel like I need a really snappy closing but I have nothing. Dawson would have something poignant. Damn the WB and their impossible standards…. good night!

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 12, 2006 11:11 PM
Subject:
Chelsea is not top 8 material
Body:
Thank you for your continued support. The Top 8 T-shirt is not a bad idea at all. I’ll give you a commission if I ever sell those.

Indeed I was referring to the Coyote Ugly bar though there are several of the sort in New York including The Patriot, The Hogpit, and Red Rocks West. My favorite of the genre was The Villiage Idiot because of the endless supply of free peanuts. I became somewhat of a regular there because of that and because it was decidedly less rowdy. Perhaps that’s why it went out of business two years ago. Oh how I miss it.

As far as the interacting with celebrities, how can you be so sure that it is actually Bob Guiney that is approving your myspace request? Surely he has his secretary keeping up his PR campaign while he is off camping or looking for a wife? Wait did he ever find a wife? I read an article in the New York times about all of the Real World/Road Rules members keeping in touch through myspace as well so you can totally befriend those folks. I only wish I had continued watching those shows so I’d no who to look for. I guess I can tune in sometime this week to see whom to befriend.

Actually, I did come across Mormon Julie from the Real World New Orleans. Though I found out she’s married and I think she’s back to being all into god after living out her fantasies of promiscuity in the Real World house and the subsequent college speaking tour. My friend hooked up with her on her Syracuse visit, so I’m well versed in her exploits, or at least one of them.

Furthermore, I will take your advice, it does seem kind of cruel to leave Chelsea hanging. She seems like she has honorable intentions. She likes curly hair and she graduated hair school so maybe I can get a free haircut out of it if I’m ever in Provo.

Also don’t feel pressure to keep your language on the level of Dawson’s Creek. In the end all of your emails might end up consisting of incessant fawning and whining over Katie Holmes’ character and where would we be then? She’s with Tom Cruise we’re going to have to get over it.

Alright, it’s getting late and I’ve got to approve chelsea and probably do some blogging. Have a good night and don’t do drugs.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 14, 2006 9:37 PM
Subject:
so many evans
Body:
Whoa, Chelsea is crazy! Why is she collecting Evans? That is the weirdest thing I ever saw. Actually I wish I had thought of that because it would add direction to my myspace experience. However, I no longer trust her expert opinion about your hair since I now suspect that she is just using you for your name. What a hussy. You do have nice hair though. I sort of want to touch it. I imagine you get that a lot.

Apparently we have a bar in Buffalo where women dance on the bar, but they are not professionals, instead, at some point during the night someone yells “LADIES ON THE BAR!” and then the classier portion of the clientele gets up on the bar and takes their shirts off. I have not actually been yet but it sounds like a good time. Other exciting things are coming up soon in Buffalo too, like the St. Patrick’s day parade, which is a giant spectacle of early afternoon drunkenness. Hopefully it will be more scandalous than the Buffalo Mardi Gras (during which I only saw one boob).

Do you really think Bob Guiney has someone else handling his myspace PR? He has posted several announcements recently about a concert he is in with Macy Gray and Greg Grunberg (isn’t that the smoothaise guy from Felicity? He is sadly not on myspace). But still, he can’t be that busy. Apparently he is currently married to Greenlee from All My Children. It was sad for Greenlee when her fiancee Ryan faked his own death when he found out she was pregnant because he was afraid that he would follow in his abusive father’s footsteps. Also I think Ryan’s psycho brother tried to poison her but then it turned out he had a brain tumor. I believe that all happened last spring when I was unemployed. So I am happy for her that she has Bob now.

I am watching American Idol right now and I don’t know why because it is the most useless show in the world, and Ryan Seacrest has a freakishly tiny head. But I bet all the old contestants are on myspace. Unfortunately the only one I can remember is Bo Bice and he is probably busy with his baby.

Well, anyways. Keep up the good work!

H

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 15, 2006 7:58 PM
Subject:
RE: so many evans
Body:
Hey Heather,
So now you see why I had reservations about Chelsea. I was awake and on myspace and 2am last night and she felt the need to send me a message to asking what I was up to. As if we might be cosmically doing the same exact thing and we’d be led to discover that just because I am in New York and she in Provo, we’re not so different after all. Indeed, I do get people longing to touch my locks and to be honest I’m used to it by now but I usually react in a confused manner seeing as I’ve never really had the urge to touch anyone else’s hair no matter how curly or straight. Before allowing Chelsea to cut it I’d have to see picture of other curly haired people she’s given cuts to. That being said, I don’t think there are any curly haired people in Provo seeing as Utah is severely lacking in their Jewish and African American populations.

Is the bar in Buffalo with the bar dancing called Buffalo Bill’s or Buffalo Bob’s? It seems to me like Buffalo would have an overabundance of bars with the name Buffalo Bob’s and/or Bill’s. I could be wrong though. Furthermore, I love how the Buffalo Bills cheerleaders are called the Buffalo Jills….Genius. I imagine the Buffalo Jills dancing on the bar at Buffalo Bill’s to Trace Adkins’ “Honkytonk Badonkadonk”. If you’ve never heard it, it may be the worst song ever. I hope that your St. Patrick’s day closely resembles that scene, not because I wish you the worst or anything, just because it sounds like a funny thing to encounter.

My St. Patty’s day will be spent away from the amateurs (or maybe not, you never know) in the confines of Webster Hall as I witness the first Silver Jews concert in New York City. Though I’m not above venturing out to a drinkathon afterwards. Maybe I will run into Bob Guiney and ask him if he answers his own myspace requests. I think being married to such a prestigious soap opera star must take up the majority of his time though. I imagine they must make the rounds on the public appearances at malls circuit. So many public appearances, so little time to check Myspace. Though if his wife is on myspace I could see them both sitting on the couch with their wireless internet connection comparing myspace accounts. That’s just what couples do.

Oh, also, is Bob Guiney headlining the concert with Macy Gray and Greg Grunberg? God knows Macy Gray has fallen pretty far from her perch. Is Greg Grunberg a solo singer in his time away from Alias? Does he write songs about working for the CIA and assisting Jennifer Garner? Does he also write songs about being jealous of Michael Vartan and Ben Affleck? That would be one hell of an album. I’m sure he’s got so much pain to share with us. It would be like Elliott Smith but by a guy who was on Alias and Felicity. I think Bob Guiney just sounds like Rob Thomas but has less street cred because he’s totally a reality hack. Grunberg at least has some chops as an artiste. He’s like a modern day Tom Waits because hey, they both act sometimes.

Meanwhile why didn’t American Idol ever do another movie after from “Justin to Kelly” with each of their final two contestants? Tell me you wouldn’t have paid $10 to go see “From Ruben to Clay”. That would have been the movie event of the decade. Clay falls in love with Ruben but Ruben sings Clay gospel songs about how the lord views gay people. Or “From Fantasia to whoever she beat”, Where whoever she beat has to teach Fantasia to read. These are solid movie plots. I might exhume this email as a blog topic as I feel it raises a valid issue. Is heterosexual love the only valid kind of love between American Idol Finalists?

Anyway, I’m all messaged out and my mind is racing with American Idol film ideas. I’m hoping for a commercially bankable final two, so I can pitch a script to the show producers. If you want to help with the script, just say the word. Talk to you soon.

-Evan

From: Heather
To: Evan
Mar 16, 2006 6:55 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject:
RE: RE: so many evans
Body:
Well, you did not inform me that Chelsea already had acquired so many Evans. I was picturing a cute innocent blonde Mormon girl, not some Evan-accumulating hussy hairdresser. I guess it just goes to show that you can’t pick your myspacesters’ myspacesters.

Actually, I can’t even think of any bars in Buffalo that are called “Buffalo [Anything]’s.” That is disappointing now that I think about it. I am sure that I will have ample opportunities to drown my disappointment in green beer though.

Oh, and I have now read more carefully Bob Guiney’s special event announcement, and it turns out that he was not performing with his usual band (“Fat Amy”), but instead was in some weird charity event band full of television’s biggest stars: ““An Evening with Ray Kennedy and Friends” will feature performances by Macy Gray, The Dave Mason Band, The Syn, California Transit Authority, the Los Angeles Guitar Quartet, Gia Ciambotti and Celebrity band 16:9 which consists of
some of television’s biggest stars: House’s Hugh Laurie, Alias and Felicity’s Greg Grunberg, Desperate Housewives’ James Denton, and our very own Bob Guiney on vocals.”

It was two days ago though, and in California. Damn! Also I think his wife is retired from All My Children. They must have killed off her character or something. So they probably spend all their time together and when Bob needs some special alone-time he comes to myspace to rejuvenate his spirits by interacting with his adoring fans.

Those are excellent American Idol movie ideas, I fully support their exploration in blog format. I am already impressed at your prolificness, if that were a word, so feel free to recycle. In fact you can just copy and paste paragraphs of your blog into your messages to me as long as you put in “So, Heather…” every few sentences. You know, to make it personal. My blog is languishing and all I ever did anyway was post pictures of my dog, so it is particularly sad that I can’t even keep that up. I think the problem is that the timing of my caffeine consumption is all wrong so that I peak around 2pm, and no one is there to benefit from it other than my super-bitchy coworkers. They are very girly and they only like to talk about shopping and shoes and how you can tell real Louis Vuitton from fake (apparently it has to do with the stitching). I frankly cannot think of anything more useless than a $600 purse. Particularly in BUFFALO.

One of my friends was just recommending the Silver Jews to me a couple days ago. Isn’t that a coincidence? Wow, even though you are in NYC, and I am in Buffalo, we are not so different after all!

Well, I have to go to my O.C. viewing now. I am in charge of picking up the falafels. It’s going to be an event. L8ter!

H

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 19, 2006 5:29 PM
Subject:
Sunday, Sunday
Body:
I hope you had a good OC viewing and St. Patrick’s Day. God knows (he knows because he sees all) mine was full of guzzling the green beer and vomiting in a crowd. And that was just the OC Viewing. I mean that kept me from enjoying St. Patrick’s day at all. I just went to the Silver Jews concert and home afterwards.

Indeed that Chelsea is an Evanaholic. A good portion of the Evans she has collected are shirtless as well. This casts a dark cloud over the future of Chelsea and my friendship. We’ll try to fight through it.

Anyway, I have a hard time believing there’s no Buffalo Bill or Buffalo Bob bars within the Greater Buffalo Metropolitan Area. I think we might have to seize this opportunity and open our own bar. Our window of time is very small as someone else is bound to realize in the next few days that such a bar does not exist and we’ll regret not taking advantage of this one moment in time. We can even have that all star TV band perform nightly because the most important thing is keeping all of that suckage isolated to one band and one bar in one city and if that city has to be Buffalo then so be it. It’s a sacrifice we’d be making to keep the rest of America safe.

So Heather, I’m not sure if I’m going to blog about the American Idol movie ideas, I think I might have to wait to see how this season pans out. However, I can promise you that if any of my ideas gets made into a movie we can put your dog Oscar into the film as the Idol winner’s lovable loyal dog. That way you can have new photos of him on set and with celebrities. That could be a new wrinkle in blogland. I have to say while I may be prolific, you have more pictures of dogs. Let’s face it people love dogs more than drunk Evans, well, except for Chelsea.

Oh, I also wanted to ask your permission for something, since I think these emails have been somewhat brilliant, I’m thinking about turning our entire conversation into a blog post, though I’m not sure if anyone will find our string of conversation quite as amusing as you or I do but what the hell I’m hurting for material and I haven’t done a guerrilla interview in months.

Also, of course having a $600 purse is practical. Where else would you keep your $400 sunglasses when they’re not on your face?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 19, 2006 10:24 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject:
RE: Sunday, Sunday
Body:
Don’t you think the myspace slogan should be “a place for whoring various things” instead of “a place for friends”? That’s the theme of my new profile image. Feel free to leave me a comment asking me if I got my awesome shirt at evankessler.com online store. It looks kind of weird because I had to reverse it in photoshop so that you can read it. I guess I’m not as symmetrical as I thought I was.

Anyway, my St Patrick’s day was super. Somehow I showed up at the bar with six dollars and ended up having seven shots of whiskey. I don’t know who kept buying them for us but I love those people. Oh, then at the height of my drunkeness I saw (1) a guy who works across the hall from me to whom I had never spoken before (I’m pretty sure I had a conversation with him about how I “fucking hate” the rest of our coworkers… they deserve it though, they are the ones who drive me to binge drinking in the first place) and (2) some guy I gave my number to a couple weeks ago at a bar and then told him I couldn’t go out with him because I had strep throat (totally true at the time!) (it was really because he was a weirdo on the phone, way too much info about his saltwater aquarium for a first conversation) and then never him called back again. By some stroke of luck, right then my friends friend started puking (she does not love the whiskey as much as I do) so I got to leave. Buffalo is so exciting. Then today I went to the parade and I saw some super-drunk girl almost get hit by a fire truck. She kept running out into the street to give high-fives to people in the parade. So that was great too.

You can blog our conversation as long as you make me seem funny. Like sometimes I have filler material that just takes up space so you might have to edit those parts.

Oh, bad news about the spread of Bob Guiney, apparently he is in multiple celebrity bands, and the soap opera one is playing in NYC tomorrow:

ABC is bringing the Soap Street Jam to New York City!
This time Bigger and Unplugged! Get up close and Personal with your favorite Soap Stars singing with the Bob Guiney Band!!
Some of the attendees will be:
From All My Children:
Jacob Young
Bobbie Eakes
Cady McClain
From One Life to Live:
Kerry Butler
Matt Metzger
Kathy Briar
From General Hospital:
Ignacio Serricchio
Scott Clifton
Plus:
Bob Guiney and the Bob Guiney Band playing along the stars!
Tickets are $55.00 in advance and $75. at the door(cash only at the door)

I don’t know who any of those soap opera stars are. But $55! Isn’t that a little pricey? Let me tell you, people are not going to pay that kind of money in Buffalo. I think we could only change about a $3 cover for people to get into Buffalo Billy-Bob’s on Bob Guiney night.

Anyway, I have to go update my blog with a picture I took of Irish setters in the parade. I wish I had a picture of the drunk girl almost getting hit by the fire truck but I was too busy eating fried dough to have the camera ready. The blog always comes in second.

HmD

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My Social Networking Addiction and The Worst Dinner Ever

Posted by evankessler on March 2, 2006

Perhaps this title should be the other way around because that’s the order I’m going to discuss things in, but I suppose order isn’t always the most important element of telling a story, or maybe it is the most. You can look at a movie like Pulp Fiction and use either argument. Anyway, this isn’t Pulp Fiction it’s EvanKessler.com and I don’t think it will ever come to represent anything remotely similar to Pulp Fiction nor will it ever serve as a vital example in a semantic argument on the importance of sequence. So let’s get to it shall we.
A few weeks ago I was present at the worst dinner ever. It may have not been the worst dinner ever to the other three participants who will remain unnamed but if they read this, which I’m pretty sure they have not in the past several months or so, they will recognize the subjects to be themselves. The setting was an eatery near Union Square and consisted of myself, and three friends from the college years, whom were actually also present at a similar outing documented at a significantly earlier date on this blog.

The entire dinner conversation consisted on a soliloquy from each partaker on the relative perfect life that each was enjoying at the current juncture. Contestant number one expounded on her perfect relationship that would no doubt end in marriage. She spoke on the rewards and perils of her job but in the end seemed extremely pleased with the present state of her being. Contestant number two discussed his fantastic new job that he was excited for and his lengthy relationship with his wonderful girlfriend and contestant number 3 was less outwardly optimistic, not portraying a complete an utter sense of serenity but nonetheless generally pleased with her state of being. Then the floor, or I guess table was turned over to me and what did I have to talk about. Nothing. Now, I know I could be coming off as a bitter asshole who does not want his friends to be happy but that is not the case. I’m happy most of the time if people are happy. I just feel as though I was being ambushed by lameness due to the manner in which this discussion was handled. It was less a conversation and more people just taking turns trying to impress each other with fabulousness of their lives, some more willingly than others. It was as if we were all vying for a grand prize of $1 million for the person with best resume so we all just read off our resumes in succession only I had just graduated from high school and everyone else had been gainfully employed for the past 20 years and expected me to have something equal to show but instead I just had my measly 1280 on the SAT’s. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with people being in relationships when I’m not, it just seems as though the majority of my friends in said relationships don’t feel the need to only talk about their relationships. They’re actually good at conversing on other topics and most of the time, do so, as they know it is not always of paramount interest to everyone at the table. Besides, it can only be interesting for so long.

Needless to say, by the time it was my turn at storytelling the contest pretty much came to a screeching halt and everyone felt the need to chime in about how to improve my life so I could have something more like they had as if I want to be exactly where they are. I’m not saying where they are is a bad place or a grand place, but at the same time I don’t view them as people who have it all. It seemed as if they completely lacked the ability to recognize that flaunting their own happiness to someone who is not in that place or didn’t really ask would be completely annoying. It wasn’t done with malice but it also wasn’t done with much tact or aplomb. It was like when you ask someone how they are and they start talking about something totally unrelated to impress you like “We just got the AT&T account and its going to be a really huge deal for the company.” Then you have to say something to compete only you don’t feel like competing because you want to have simple enjoyable conversation instead of a one-up fest.

So as the spotlight was unwillingly shot directly into my eyes, the glare was blinding and faced a barrage of, “Are you looking for work?” “Are you going on dates?” “Have you tried online dating? That’s how I met my boyfriend.” It was a deafening roar and made me feel like a complete charity case like I was still their friend but I was in a homeless shelter and they were serving the fucking soup. I almost felt humiliated but the funny thing was I knew it was coming so it lessened the blow. Through everyone else’s soliloquy I just kept thinking, “Is this going to be broken up in favor of normal conversation?” but with each subsequent, “now your turn” the moment seemed more inevitable. Their questions were returned by “I’m not really dating but that doesn’t mean I’m not trying” and “Of course I’m looking for jobs.” And with that I really had nothing else to say but there was still more to be said and it was unpleasant and bleak and just an overall awful gathering.

That being said, the whole, “I am trying” response brings us to my social networking addiction. Seeing as I’m basically home all day scanning the Internet for job opportunities there needs to be something to break up the monotony of the job hunt and since I don’t have the social outlet of a workplace like VH1 or anywhere for that matter, social networking fills a need.

First off, let me preface this by saying, I joined Match.com a couple of months ago because let’s face it, I wouldn’t mind meeting someone nice, hooking up or even getting laid once in a while and to be perfectly honest which I am nothing but on this here website (it is my own form of therapy), I’ve never actually had a real girlfriend. Cry me a river but I’m not asking for sympathy. I have dated a few women and don’t worry I’m not 100% pure and chaste but the longest relationship I’ve probably sustained has been a month or so. I’ve also probably ruined about 4 or 5 chances to have a relationship since I’ve lived in New York City. Anyway, I thought it would be good to get out there but I wasn’t exactly testing the market since I am nothing but skeptical about online dating. Especially, when you type in your criteria for the type of people you’re looking for and the people that come up do not seem to fit into any category you would ever want to explore. That being said, I have been met with equal amounts rejection as I am aware of my own imperfections (perhaps to a fault) and really only a total of 1 or 2 people have ever emailed me back on that site. I guess to the match.com clientele I’m not exactly ideal. It’s remarkable how many people think they will find the perfect tall, dark, handsome, and wealthy gentleman on there judging by their dating requirement on their profiles. It’s as if the definition for realism were replaced by the definition for fantasy in every dictionary they’ve ever read. For some reason that is okay by me because any website that features advice from Dr. Phil is not exactly my cup of tea and I’m not exactly sure I want to be involved with someone whose cup of tea it s. I’m very close to saying goodbye to that subscription. That’s a good amount of money that I’m not wasting each month.

Match.com failures aside I spend my non-job search time scouring Friendster and Myspace. I don’t look for dates or anything on there it just helps me feel I’m being social which kind of makes me feel lame but when you’re not around people all day it helps to feel you are socializing. I actually did get a date off of Friendster around Thanksgiving and it was awkward. Adam Starling and Betsy Van Stone can attest to the awkwardness. I’ve also been hit on since on Friendster but after a couple of back and forth messages they mysteriously stopped. Oh welll, onto Myspace. Myspace seems to get continuously more retarded by the day. I don’t really understand how it became cooler than Friendster. I think it might have something to do with technical problems or when they started the “Who’s Viewed Me” feature. I guess people valued their anonymity too much. I like Friendster because it seems ultimately more passive. If you want to write someone a funny testimonial or send an occasional message, that’s cool but it is not constant activity.

Myspace is this abyss of constant badgering. However, I am semi-addicted to it now. You can spy on people on Myspace without them knowing but you also have to deal with the crappy music or videos they put on their page, which can be quite the hindrance if you happen to have sound on your computer and the person you are checking out likes death metal, Aaron Carter, or Bow Wow. There are hordes of shirtless dudes showing off their abs and plenty of 16 year old retards misspelling words with Z’s and just generally using bad grammar while showing you how sexy they are and posting pictures of Chickens fucking pilgrims in your comment box. Don’t even get me started on the incessant posting of pointless surveys. So why am I still on this site? Well, let’s just say I’m not friendly with any shirtless people and if someone put an annoying comment I would promptly delete it. I also screen my friends and I don’t really try to find anyone on Myspace, for the most part I let people find me. I also won’t be friendly with anyone that has lots of shirtless friends though I make the occasional exception. It is all about selectivity, otherwise you’d be friends with about 700 terrible bands. I have befriended some unknowns who seem like they’d be interesting and cool to meet in person. Unfortunately, I don’t see that happening as I think the majority of those folks have skipped town as of recent. To sum up my Myspace experience, I have a set of guidelines regulating all of my Myspace relationships that keeps my addiction to it in order.

All of this social networking talk brings me to the newest of my addictions, Consumating.
Now, I was originally skeptical about this site because it got a lot of press in the New York Post and we know that by and large the only great thing about the Post is the sports section. I certainly don’t read the Post for it’s right wing point of view or for constant updates on Paris Hilton. After reading the article in the Post, I checked out the site and it’s more or less like a hipster dating site. The problem is I don’t consider myself a hipster and I don’t think real hipsters consider me to be a hipster. The fact is I don’t like to consider myself a part of any group as I’ve deemed it to be extremely limiting to confine ones self to one social strata. That being said, the people on this site are probably the most similar to my frame of mind but it does have its fair share of the too cool for school. What I like most about this particular site is its format. It doesn’t have the same stale dating personal information categories. It more or less just asks you to answer a weekly question, which affords you the opportunity to showcase your sense of humor and wit as well as list keywords that define you. That is much more my speed and seemingly less pressure than trying to impress people by saying what you do for fun or to write a little bit about yourself. In actuality I’ve never looked at any of these sights as hope for my dating life. I more or less like to type out funny things and engage in witty banter. I’ve always figured if I’m going to meet someone it’ll just be through a friend or it’ll just happen. Though, to go back to the worst dinner ever, that just made me feel like I should be pressuring myself, and that is just plain stupid. If anything that pressure just makes me feel less like myself and why would you want to date someone who likes you for not being yourself. You probably wouldn’t.

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Hiatus

Posted by evankessler on February 7, 2006

The powerbook is going into the shop. Evankessler.com is going on a slight hiatus but that does not mean I will not be blogging. You can catch up with me at my myspace blog or perhaps my emergency blog on friendster. Don’t miss out on your chance to leave exciting comments on all of the exciting things I say. Peace be upon you.

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