Posted by evankessler on January 19, 2010
Most fans of John Denver have to wait until they reach the pearly gates before they finally get to thank god for their own country boy-ishness, but one such fan of the late “Take Me Home, Country Roads” singer was pretty sure he could get that message out to the heavens from the confines of his Fon Du Lac, Wisconsin apartment. Last week, area police officers were notified of a loud, yet soothing racket emanating from the man’s apartment by a neighbor. That racket consisted of some choice Denver tunes. Officers banged on the door to tell the noise code violator to keep it down. The resident, however, missed the authoritative knocks of the law, no doubt due to the side effects of his “Rocky Mountain High.” The culprit of the folksy din later admitted to authorities that he missed their overtures due to the fact that he had been “rockin’ out.”
Now, we here at OneRiot are a firm believer of the “to each their own” school of musical taste, and we think “Leavin’ On A Jet Plane” is a pretty great song, but we’re not really sure if it’s possible to “rock out” to John Denver. Maybe you can “bop along” but there’s a limit. That being said, here’s a few other artists that make “rockin’ out” a rather distinct impossibility.
Hootie & The Blowfish- The most exciting thing this inexplicably popular 90’s band could get us hyped for is the par five on the 16th hole at Sawgrass. With songs like “Hold My Hand” and “Only Want To Be With You,” we’d expect to hear Hootie & The Blowfish in the background of our awkward weather conversation in the elevator or in the dairy aisle of the supermarket before they made it onto anyone’s gym mix.
Celine Dion- We’d rather run our car straight into an iceberg than blast Celine Dion while driving 80 through a school zone.
Limp Bizkit- Enjoying a Limp Bizkit song may actually feel like you are “rockin’ out,” but breaking stuff doesn’t count. In this instance, the term is just code for “actively trying to make yourself dumber.”
The Bee Gees- The Brothers Gibb wrote some pretty wonderful songs, but if your emotions take you over whilst listening to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack; that’s not rocking out. That’s just your John Travolta impression.
John Tesh- The former Entertainment Tonight host may get super excited about having written the theme for the NBA on NBC, but watching this new age tunesmith prance around in excitement over a musical intro for Basketball games just leaves us confused and disheartened.
Honorable mention goes to Kenny G and Michael Bolton for being on the cutting edge of lame. Maybe they’ll inspire their own noise complaint soon to push them over the top.
Posted in OneRiot | Tagged: Celine Dion, florida, John Denver, Rocky Mountain High, Take Me Home Country Roads, Twin, West Palm Beach Florida | Leave a Comment »
Posted by evankessler on January 11, 2010
The Balloon Boy hoax captured the hearts and ire of the world as Richard Heene and his fame- hungry family made everyone watch CNN for an entire day, while an empty balloon spiraled out of control across the scenic Colorado landscape. Fortunately, his vomiting son Falcon helped tip off media outlets that his parents’ conspiratorial actions were really just an excuse to turn the 24-hour news cycle into one big reality show audition.
Now the Heene patriarch is learning the hard way, that life is the most challenging reality show of all. Richard Heene will spend the next 90 days doing reasonably hard time in the slammer, where we imagine he’ll have plenty of time to pretend that this whole ordeal is one big reality show challenge. We’re not sure exactly which show the Heene Family hoped to be on, but in order to make it through his trying time in captivity, we think Mr. Heene should imagine he’s on the following shows just to make these next 3 months more bearable.
Wife Swap- We know the Heenes have been on this reality show before, but this time there’s a new twist. Richard is the wife! After a touching shower ceremony– in which Richard is betrothed to a male twice his size who is guilty of countless violent offenses– Richard’s new husband is stabbed with a shiv in the shower. Richard is now forced to be the prison wife of his former husband’s assailant. How’s that for a “Wife Swap?”
Iron Chef- If Heene fancies himself a foodie of discerning taste, he might pretend he’s a judge on Iron Chef critiquing the culinary variations on bread, water, and gruel the mess hall cook has prepared.
Extreme Makeover: Cell Edition- Poor Richard has the misfortune of having to move from his family home to a small, drab room in a penitentiary. Richard could pretend the packages he receives from his wife and other family members are actually from Ty Pennington and use their contents to spruce up his living space.
The Apprentice- Richard’s bound to learn the license plate-making ropes from a wily and successful prison veteran who will ultimately decide whether or not he stays on at that job or is “fired” and forced to do laundry duty. Trust me, you don’t want to be on prison laundry duty.
So You Think You Can Dance- If we’ve learned anything about prison from youtube videos, it’s that prisoners love big dance numbers. If Mr. Heene shows off his dance prowess in the early going he may avoid all of the dangerous stuff and end up rehearsing the “Thriller” dance with a bevy of talented convicts.
The Heene family may have essentially punk’d America, but if we’ve learned anything from the way this whole reality TV thing works, it’s that eventually the more absurd families reap the rewards of the system. There is light at the end of the prison tunnel, Heene family. Odds are that light is emanating from a bulb screwed onto the top of an HD camera. Get ready for your closeup. You’ll eventually get it.
Posted in OneRiot | Tagged: Balloon boy hoax, CNN, Colorado, florida, Heene, Prison, Reality television, Wife Swap | Leave a Comment »
Posted by evankessler on January 7, 2010
One would think being constantly on the verge of death is a big enough thrill for the elderly, but sometimes the aged grow bored of simply stretching the amount of bungee cord mother nature has allotted them and need to test its elasticity in other ways. Senior citizens Benjamin (79) and Jane Wolff (72) are hoping they’ve been given enough rope to stay out of the reach of the long arm of the law. These aging criminal masterminds are wanted for spending days on end, eating brownies and boring hotel patrons with yarns about olden days when pop cost a nickel, before skipping out on the exorbitant bill for their temporary residence. Assuming senility wasn’t the motive for failure to pay, this ancient, modern-day Bonnie & Clyde act have pulled this scam several times over– leaving several inns in the New England area reeling in their wake from financial hardship.
The fuzz is hot on this Wolff pack’s tail as they have the couple’s license plate number and have pretty much ruled out the possibility of engaging in a high speed chase– due to the couple’s likely penchant for traveling 45mph or less in a 60 mph zone. That being said, we here at OneRiot don’t want to leave anything to chance that these devious delinquents escape without having to experience the harsh reality of prison life in their declining years; we’ve formulated the following traps to help police nab the troublesome duo:
The Early-bird Special– New England-area police should mandate a state-wide “early-bird special” with dinner specials beginning at 3:30pm at all restaurants with undercover police officers scouring the parking lots.
All Roads Lead To Florida– Install new highway signs pointing to Florida that actually lead to the local police station. All old people are looking to eventually end up in Florida. It’s like their version of the Mexican border.
Strategically-Placed Fixodent and Depends- By placing these typical purchases of the elderly where they are most likely to be shoplifted and filling them with purple dye packs like those put in the bags of bank robbers, any old folks scamming their essentials will be caught purple-handed.
Cutest Grandkids Contest- Canvas all local radio stations with a “Cutest Grandkids” contest announcement. They’ll be there.
Call Their Cell- They probably have a cell phone for when their grandkids call. If you call they’ll spend twenty minutes trying to figure out how to pick it up, forcing them to pull over to the side of the road. A police officer should be able to locate them in that time given all of the other information they have on them. Better yet, send them a text message.
At least one of these methods is bound to work. If not, then we’ve sorely underestimated these geriatric bandits and maybe they deserve all of the benefits their crafty misconduct has afforded them. After all, they’ve found a way of proving that the thrill is never gone.
Posted in OneRiot | Tagged: crime, florida, Law, New England, Old age, Police, United States | Leave a Comment »
Posted by evankessler on February 13, 2006
I believe when I last left you (on the emergency blogs) I was sitting at the computer in my stepfather’s Boca Raton (mouth rat?) apartment as I anticipated a Friday morning softball game between Purdue and another University on the Florida Atlantic Campus. So let’s take it from there shall we? On Friday morning I awakened at 7:30am (an abnormal wakeup time for a vacation though to be fair when have I not been on vacation in the past several months) ate a banana, took a shower, and jumped in a car with Irwin, and my Aunt Melanie and headed over to the Softball field at FAU to see my cousin Erika catch for the Purdue Boilermakers Softball team.
We made it to the game just before 9am, in time for the star spangled banner. There were a whole bunch of Purdue Moms in the stands and a small South Carolina contingent representing their opponents. I have to admit it was a pretty exciting game but unfortunately Purdue lost either 1 or 2 to nothing but my cousin hit a monster double. Purdue’s next game in the tournament was at 1pm against East Carolina but we couldn’t stay because we had to take my Grandfather shopping for new sneakers. My aunt had warned me that seemingly simple tasks usually take all day on account of the swiftness with which my grandfather and most old people move. She also said that we’d be lucky to get more than one thing done. Lucky for us, we finished two things.
First, we went to the bank to look through the safe deposit box. This particular section of the bank seemed to have minimal security. It was almost as if they were begging for people to alert their criminal friends as to the simplicity of pulling of a heist at this particualr Wachovia branch. The next stop was a Big K-Mart where we spent an hour and a half trying to convince my Grandfather that he needs Velcro shoes since he can barely bend down anymore.
Our shoe adventure then turned into dinner, as Melanie, Grandpa Dave, and I went to pick up Erika at her team’s hotel to meet Irwin for his birthday dinner at a family style Italian restaurant. Irwin was hoping that we would order from the family style menu so he could have a week’s worth of food in his refrigerator but instead we each at our own individual meal and Irwin was mighty disappointed. After dinner, Melanie and I drove Erika to her hotel and my grandfather back to his assisted living community, Hamilton House and Irwin went to pick up my mom at the airport.
Saturday was more of the same in the morning. Early wakeup again and another Early softball game. This time Purdue beat Bethune-Cookman 3-1(?) and again we didn’t stick around for game 2. We took off and got lunch and I went for a swim at Irwin’s apartment complex and afterwards we had more Grandfatherly needs to attend to. We went his apartment that had been destroyed by Hurricane Rita and went through what was left of the apartment. When we determined that there was very little that hadn’t been put in storage we headed towards his new apartment that my mother had rented because of my Grandpa’s refusal to live any longer in assisted living. He moves in on March 1st but we had to make sure it was suitable for him. We then went back to the Hamilton house to retrieve the senior member of my family for some dinner but he decided he didn’t want to go. Dinner ended up being my mom, Irwin, Melanie, Erika, and myself. We ate at a Greek Restauant in Boca that was actually pretty decent.
Can you guess what I did Sunday? You probably can. The schedule was a little different though and the weather was a bit colder. In fact the temperature was in the mid fifties. We watched the 2-2 Purdue Boilermakers fall behind 3-0 to the FAU Owls when we decided it was time to go through my Grandfather’s storage space. We later found out that Purdue won 4-3 and that my cousin Erika hit a home run in the last inning. Sweet. Anyway, we went through my Grandpa’s old things and came across many interesting things including old pictures and documents from World War II including secret documents about the plan of attack in France. We also found my Grandmother’s Junior High Autograph book and my aunt found a Gun. She decided that she wanted to take the gun home because it was “interesting”. Whenever she was holding the gun I stood as far away as possible. I don’t know the stats on handgun accidents but I know it is probably not a good idea to stand near my and when she is curiously investigating a 35 year old gun. Later, my aunt would inquire as to the origins of said gun to which my grandfather alerted her to put it back as she is not licensed to own that gun. She was going to try to put in a bag she was checking. We all knew this was a bad idea though. That gun is now in the trunk of my Grandfather’s car as he insists he can bring it to a pawn shop and get $500. Anyway, the cleaning of the storage space took all day and completely obliterated our final day.
We all had to wake up at 6am this morning and prayed that the snow in New York would not hinder our flights. Luckily for us it did not and I was back in my apartment by 3:15pm. I realize this was not the most exciting post but it wasn’t exactly the most exciting weekend. On the positive side I got to see my family and got out of New York City for a couple of weeks. Oh yeah, and also, Evankessler.com is back on track. Though I may still post this on the emergency blogs.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: family gatherings, florida, softball | Leave a Comment »
Posted by evankessler on February 10, 2006
(POSTED FROM MYSPACE BLOG)
Thursday, February 09, 2006
My mind has been blown & Floridia Part 1
Current mood: full
So I got a strange email the other day from a woman who attended Camp Westmont at the same time I did though she was between 6 to 8 years older than me. Apparently she was doing a search for Camp Westmont and came across my blog (on www.evankessler.com) and saw the comment I made in reference to this Monday’s episode of Wife Swap in which a Jewess switched places with a conservative Christian Woman. Turns out that Jewess actually was a fellow camper at Camp Westmont though I am not sure how long her tenure lasted. Me, I was there from the summer of 1987 until the summer of 1996. What do I have left to show for it? I’m not really sure. I’m still occasionally friends with a couple of people I met there.
None of that is really important right now, I just thought I would share that mini story. I find it amusing because it proves to me that my website is actually searchable on web engines and I get a modest delight in knowing that.
Now that you know what makes me feel delighted I can tell you all that I am currently typing this from my Stepdad’s laptop in Boca Raton, Florida. It was a long journey involving 2 A-trains, the air train to JFK and poor check in instructions from a baggage ticketer, but I made it to gate 27 of Terminal 2 just in time to board Song flight 2018. I was seated at seat 26D and was soon joined by a larger young woman with curly hair and a Brooklyn accent who went on to tell me that I looked very familiar. She followed up by inquiring if I had a brother, which I affirmed. The following inquiry was whether my brother’s name was Spanky or Charlie. Now, I don’t refer to my brother as Spanky or Charlie, nor I can not say for certain that he doesn’t ever go by those names but I had to let my rowmate no that to the best of my knowledge that I am neither Spanky nor Charlie’s sibling. This was the last we spoke save for the occasional excuse me and thank you in reference to making space for exit on several bathroom ventures.
I had brought plenty of means of entertaining myself on the flight. I figured I could read at least half of Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying and listen to some tunes on my trusty Ipod. However, this plan was rendered moot when I the flight attendant announced features as in flight competitive trivia and up to 16,000 free songs available on the video screen. My first step towards keeping myself entertained was to select several CD’s to be played straight through the flight and then I joined in the interactive trivia contest with everyone on the plane who felt so inclined to do so and boy are they ever sorry that they felt so inclined. I played in 5 consecutive 20 question trivia matches, coming in 1st place each time. I consistently edged out the guy sitting one row in back of me and I think everyone was getting a little pissed. On my way back from the bathroom during the game I took off I was questioned by a boyfriend and girlfriend duo who asked if I actually knew all of the questions or if I had played this version before. They were disappointed and somewhat amazed when they found out that I had never partaken in this particular trivia.
By the time the next trivia match rolled around, I was ready to partake but found that most of the participants had bailed out. I somehow managed to make trivia unfun for an entire plane full of people. This will be remembered as my one crowning achievement on this earth and I am proud. Wait until the ride back.
Anyway, the rest of my evening was spent strolling on Delray Beach with my stepdad and getting dinner at an English Pub-like restaurant and having the inevitable job talk that I seem to be having with a different adult every day. I ate a steak and english stilton cheese pie and had a boddington at the restaurant and picked up the tab for my Stepdad’s birthday. I am extremely full. The downside is I’m already bored and have no idea what I can really do to pass the time for the next few days. Though tomorrow I suppose I will be going to see my cousin play in her college softball tournament. She is the starting catcher for Purdue. Go Boilermakers! Let’s take this thing one day at a time.
Posted in birthdays | Tagged: Camp Westmont, family gatherings, florida, planes, trivia, Wife Swap | Leave a Comment »