Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Posts Tagged ‘Facebook’

…State Farm is There

Posted by evankessler on April 14, 2011

This photo essay is the follow up to a previous post entitled, “Like A Good Neighbor…” It has been made possible by Mile End Delicatessen in Boerum Hill;  Mile End Delicatessen, they’ve got the whole mishpucha.


Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there…with some poutine.



Welcome to Mile End Delicatessen in the Heart of Boerum Hill, Brooklyn

The Poutine sounds good, I'll have that!

Where is this Poutine I've heard so much about? Not having it makes me sad.

What has two thumbs and a dish of Poutine? This guy!

Seriously, how delicious does that Poutine look?

Let Me At It!

So...full...of...poutine...good neighbor...

Posted in Advertising, Brooklyn, food, humor, Internet, Social Media | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

People I May Know?

Posted by evankessler on November 9, 2010

There’s a weird feeling of invasion of privacy every time I’m on certain Social Networking sites. It doesn’t stem from the fact that people can see what I’m up to or who I’m hanging out with. I like to think I do a pretty good job of keeping the things I want to keep private under wraps. The specific thing that crawls under my skin is when the social networks in question feel the need to suggest who I might want to be friends with or connected to. It’s as if this program is digging through the annals of my personal correspondence to exert influence on my life. I belong to certain social networks because I don’t find them too intrusive and they allow me certain controls, but once they start nudging me with friendship suggestions for people I once tried to buy a Wii from via Craigslist, they’ve ceased to be effective. Then there are those other suggestions where you don’t know where they come from, as evidenced by the screenshot below. Can you guess which one doesn’t belong?

Posted in blogging, Social Networking | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Bringing It All Back Home

Posted by evankessler on October 27, 2010

I had a bit of a shock yesterday. I was applying for two separate positions for pop culture blogger and media blogger at the New York Observer, when I went fishing for some links to old posts I did for OneRiot. Much to my surprise and chagrin, I  learned that the entire OneRiot blog had been expunged from the online universe. That meant a large number of my culture and current events portfolio pieces had been abruptly flushed down the drain of the world wide web.

Unfortunately, I had taken very few, if any, screen shots of these wonderful and relevant specimens of wit and writing ability. It was a crushing blow to my professional prospects, for when one sends out clips to a prospective employer, it’s best that these clips have a reputable label affixed to them. The OneRiot blog had been nominated for a South x Southwest award and had a reasonably slick design. In short, it was a lot more official looking than my personal blog.

Luckily, there is a thing called email. Seeing as I wasn’t authorized to access and post directly to the OneRiot blog myself, all of these posts had to be submitted via messages sent to my editors or by sharing on GoogleDocs. Although they may not currently live online in edited post form, they’re hidden in the dark recesses of my inbox and shared document folder.

In efforts to recreate the magic of these past posts, I shall be undertaking a massive reclamation project to make them live again online in the archives of EvanKessler.com. Each post will be accompanied by the OneRiot logo as seen below (usually in the upper right hand/left hand corner):

Let the process begin. This may or may not be a long slog.

Posted in blogging, OneRiot, work, writing | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Oldest Profession in Social Media

Posted by evankessler on December 3, 2009

On any given day in your twitter stream, you can count on receiving an endless display of minutia, whether some attention hound wants you to know that he is currently walking west on Main Street or taking a moment to rid oneself of bodily waste.  Status updates are the new status symbol and aspiring social media mavens from Hialeah, Florida to Hong Kong can’t seem to give enough day to day play-by-play for their horde of eager and sometimes completely disinterested followers.

The fact that people stop their lives to tell you exactly what they’ve stopped doing in their lives can be absolutely ludicrous depending on just what they’ve brought to a screeching halt.

Recently, an Abingdon, MD man brought his wedding to a standstill in order to update his Facebook relationship status and tweet his knot tying, thereby cementing his status as a social media whore.

So what a social media whore makes?  We here at OneRiot have compiled a list of some of the tell-tale signs…er symptoms that you may be practicing the world’s oldest profession over the Internet.

  • You May Kiss The…- Any historic event in your life that you take time out to turn into a status update rather than enjoy the visceral experience of being there speaks volumes of your digital prostitution.  If something is worth recounting, the story you’ll tell later will be better than the 140 characters you’re currently conveying.
  • Cewebrity- You’re fame is based on your ability to social network. Hello Tila Tequila.

  • “We’re Engaged!”- Instead of telling any of your friends you’re engaged, you just change your relationship status on Facebook.
  • The Menu- Your friends and followers can list all of the meals you’ve eaten in the past two weeks because you’ve tweeted or made status updates about all of them.  The catch is, you’re not a food critic.
  • You Should See A Doctor- One of your followers thinks that the amount of times you go to the bathroom is unhealthy.  This signifies that your followers are aware of how many times you’ve been to the bathroom.
  • I’m So Cool- You’re constantly tweeting about who you are hanging out with, especially if they are celebrities who you are friends with on Twitter.
  • Fail Whale- You have panic attacks when the Fail Whale appears.
  • You Think You’re An Elected Official- Everywhere you go, you proclaim yourself the mayor over twitter until someone else you know on twitter shows up.  If you were the mayor of the coffee shop you’d probably be able to score free drinks.
  • People Have Faces?- You’ve never met any of your friends in person, but you know they’re hilarious because of the online personas they’ve concocted.  For all you know your followers are all convicted sex offenders on house arrest who are hilarious in 140 word bursts.
  • You Wear #85 For The Bengals- Chad OchoCinco maybe a bit of a Tweet freak but he uses his powers for good and is a joy to follow.

There are plenty more tell-tale signs of Social Media obsession.  Unfortunately our character count for this article has r….

Posted in OneRiot | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Circle K Goes Viral

Posted by evankessler on September 22, 2009

The current lay of the cultural landscape is littered with several kinds of social media consumers. There are the casual users who are just trying to stay connected; the recreational users who find great entertainment value in the frequent status updates and interactive nature of socializing with those you can’t be near; and then there are the wholly self-obsessed who are convinced that their every move is of paramount importance on a global scale and thus worthy of the other two group’s time.

You can count Indonesian film director Joko Anwar as a member of the latter social “me”dia generation. The director of such films as Pintu terlarang and Dead Time: Kala wielded his sword of net arrogance to more or less make convenience mart Circle K a household name for the first time since Bill and Ted traveled through time from a phone booth outside of one.

Anwar announced via his twitter page that once his followers topped the 3,000 mark, he would be making a rather naked jaunt to everyone’s favorite store named after a shape-enclosed letter– assuming of course that 3,000 people wanted to see him naked buying a bottle of iced tea. The director’s challenge predictably proved the unfortunate fact that there are enough people who are more than willing to encourage such self-aggrandizing, yet wholly desperate seeming behavior. Within minutes Circle K was trending all over the net and Anwar was over 3,000 followers. It used to be people would do anything for a buck, now it’s just for some digital disciples and a soft drink. Unfortunately for Circle K employees, they’ll be seeing a very naked Indonesian film director very soon.

Posted in OneRiot, Social Networking | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Mouth Like A Sailor

Posted by evankessler on September 18, 2009

Ahoy mateys. This is Peg Leg Evan here, and I be takin’ over the high seas of the OneRiot blog with this here post to let you know that tomorrow, September 19th, is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. So whether you’re flying on an airplane en route to meet up with your old college buddy in Pittsburgh or just taking a stroll in the park with the one you love, don’t forget to throw some Pirate-isms out to your fellow swashbucklers sailin’ along Davy Jones’ locker of life.

While traditionally this day has been all about sea shantys, “aaarghs”, eyepatches, and “walkin’ the plank”– there are now plenty of new additions to the realm of buccaneer terminology. If you really want to channel the modern day marine marauder you can bust out a “I don’t care where this ship’s a goin’ my M-16 says we’re headed to the shores of Mogadishu“; or you can go with the ever so caustic, “we demand $3 million in ransom or the French captain gets a bullet to the brain.” Whether you prefer the old timey yo-ho’s to the newfangled threat of gun violence, it’s all in play tomorrow. So change your Facebook language settings to “Pirate,” perch that Parrot on your shoulder, join an illegal free music website and fire a warning shot across the bows of all of your friends and enemies, because International Talk Like A Pirate Day is the only time everyone truly has an excuse for having a little Cap’n in ’em.

Posted in OneRiot, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Facebook Lite to Help with Your Digital Diet

Posted by evankessler on August 12, 2009

We weren’t aware that Facebook was helping us pack on the pounds. Sure, downing that whole box of 60 munchkins while we came up with that awesome “how well do you know Oneriot?” quiz might have been responsible for a little weight gain, but it’s nothing we couldn’t have worked off with some intense physical activity a la a heated game of Scramble or a little Super Poke aerobics now and again.

That being said, the makers of Facebook know that in this age of frivolous lawsuits it was probably better for them to cut some fat and offer a lower carb option of their addictive service  rather than face a lawsuit from some overly litigious and overweight Internet fiends who claim that Facebook-ing is responsible for their dual cases of carpal tunnel and digital diabetes.

In the effort to make their site more heart healthy Facebook is now beta testing Facebook Lite. While the details are still a little fuzzy on just what low calorie content will be used to sweeten the less fattening sister of the social networking site extraordinaire, one might think they could include some sort of calorie counting system letting you know when you’ve had too much Facebook for one day to the point where it’s hurting your productivity and your waistline.

However, there is no hint of such a feature in the early screen shots, which show that the scaled down version appears to have far fewer ingredients than its application-stuffed sibling. Rather than clogging those pixelated arteries on your screen with requests, suggestions, highlights, and boxes galore– Facebook lite seems to mainly focus on the status updates of your friends. Hmm, we think we’ve heard of another similar online dietary supplement like that. It starts with a T and ends with an R, but for the life of us we can’t remember the letters in between.




Posted in OneRiot, Pop Culture, technology | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Science, Ashton Kutcher Show Twitter for D-Bags

Posted by evankessler on June 3, 2009

Ashton Kutcher at Time 100 Gala

Image via Wikipedia

If you’re anything like us your twitter stream is a constant flow of useful notices.  Whether someone we know is telling us they have a gynecological appointment on Wednesday at 3pm or just that they really enjoy having eggs for breakfast and make more money than us in a week than we make in a year. The informational content is usually rich and makes our lives more fruitful.

Occasionally, though our tweeps bog us down with nonsensical self-important notices about how much they love their car or how awesome their stock portfolio is. While we thought the latter types of messages were in the minority, a recent study by the Harvard Business Review shockingly shows that Twitter is basically a forum for a few d-bags to get together and gloat.

According to their research,”The top 10% of prolific Twitter users accounted for over 90% of tweets.” On other social networks the same top percentage usually accounts for a mere 30% of activity.  A separate study also went on to show Twitter was one of the only social networks where “men are more likely to be “followed” by both other men and by women.”

All of this research is fascinating, but both studies could’ve saved a heck of a lot of time and money by simply noting the phenomenon that Ashton Kutcher has over two million followers on the popular micro-blogging site. Our ultimate recommendation for Twitter is that it change it’s chief inquiry from “What are you doing?” to something along the lines of “What are you doing that actually matters in the context of other people’s lives?”  Wait, how many characters is that?

Posted in Celebrity, OneRiot, Social Networking | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

SuperPoke and Dagger

Posted by evankessler on September 5, 2008

One of the more interesting and puzzling news stories I’ve seen in the past few days that is not related to McCain’s VP, was CNN’s article on the Social Networking site for spies. A-Space is a social-networking site for analysts within the 16 U.S. intelligence agencies that allows them to share secret intelligence data, sensitive information regarding pressing world issues, and even gives them the option to collect friends. Way to publicize a secret network of information between spies and just who those spies are! That should give international hackers plenty of reason to attempt to infiltrate your network.

While Central Intelligence is busy destroying all exciting and romanticized notions of “Cloak and dagger” such as covert suitcase exchanges, in favor of Superpoking each other with secret files and throwing bowtie cameras at each other, perhaps an enemy developer should be busy creating an online Risk application so that staffers spend the majority of their time challenging each other in Hasbro’s game of strategic conquest instead of doing actual work. You know, sort of like scrabulous did for the masses.

Posted in Government, Social Networking, technology | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Face The Nation: A Facebook User’s Manifesto

Posted by evankessler on July 2, 2008

Dear readers of EvanKessler.com and Facebook users in general,

We live in a grand era of online social networking, where people can connect with their friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and long lost loves at the click of a button. We can even spy on the girl that lived down the block from us when we were twelve years old whom we had our first sexual fantasy about. Yes, social networking makes it that easy to keep tabs on  or stay connected to just about everyone with whom we’ve ever shared a passing glance.

Well I say, “get over it.” There is no point in trying to maintain friendships with everyone you’ve ever known or seen. Who do you think you are online Jesus Christ? You can’t love everyone. The way I see it, each new social networking site that tends to capture the attention of this bored out of their mind at work, internet-addicted generation,falls victim to the same pitfall…one that I like to call “overfriendization.” You may recall a similar post in which I railed against people coming out of “the woodworks” to befriend not only myself, but tons of other people they’ve proven to have no interest in talking to. Well, just the other day, one of these “woodwork” friends connected with me for not the first, not the second, but the third time, despite my deletion of her from the ranks of people I refer to as my friends on two previous occasions.

She was not deleted with malicious intent. I was more or less just trimming the ranks of people who hadn’t spoken to me and whom I hadn’t spoken with in quite some time. By quite some time, I mean a matter of years. I saw no use in having people as ornamental friends and so I “cut the fat”. Unfortunately, Facebook has a feature that alerts its users of other “people you may know.” I surmised that each time I cut said “friend” from the ranks, my photo continued to appear on the “People You May Know” list and seeing as said person is so mindlessly addicted to adding “People You May Know” she continues to add me to her ranks in her subliminal or not so subliminal quest to earn the most friends, completely unaware of the fact that we had been “friends” on two prior occasions.

This pointless cycle created by the ease of adding “friends” all willy-nilly at the click of a button has inspired me to create a manifesto of sorts relating to the usage of Facebook, in an attempt to put an end to the madness of “overfriendization” and other problems facing social networking. It’s not really a manifesto so much as it is a simple list of demands and/or rules for Facebook users to abide by in order to make it’s existence more palatable and therefore allow it to sustain a more lengthy period of success than that of it’s predecessors, whose sites have so mercilessly been turned “totally gay”.

So without further ado…

The Rules of Facebook:

1. If you do not plan on sending someone a message or inviting them to an event, do not become friends with them That goes both ways.

2. If you choose to make someone your Facebook friend, you are obligated to make contact with them first in the form of a regular wall post, instant message, or message…unless you’ve seen each other in the past week and have regular communications

3. Friends of Friends are not your friends. It is not okay to friend them unless you’ve met before and shared enjoyable conversations. This can be remedied by starting a conversation or message sent make your intentions to get to know someone better immediately after your friend request is accepted, but is generally frowned upon. Don’t let them sit there as an ornament…that is grounds for deletion.

4. If you think someone deleted you as a friend, don’t friend them again. It’s a really awkward position to be in to have to de-friend someone more than once.

5. Don’t friend someone just so you can see their photos.

6. A Funwall message of a silly video of a cat doing something crazy does not constitute a message nor does any funwall message for that matter. Let’s face it, the funwall should be renamed StupidMessageWall.

7. Poking is not a valid form of communication.

8. Do not friend people for the sole purpose of having ten people to forward applications to so that you may see your results on an IQ test or other pointless exam you took without pissing off your actual friends.

9. You don’t have to be friends with everyone in the “people you may know” section. Just because you may know them doesn’t mean they actually know you or even have the slightest need to do so.

10. You don’t have to be friends with everyone you went to high school with or who graduated the same year as you from college.

11. There is no need to send an application to ALL of your friends.

12. Not everyone wants to play Scramble with you. It’s not nearly as fun as Scrabulous.

13. Do not use any form of SuperPoke and expect to get Superpoked back.

14. Giving someone a Facebook drink does not make up for that beer that you owe them from the last time you went out.

15. The “War on Child Sexploitation” will not be won by joining a group against it on Facebook.

16. Do not update your status every time you do something new such as sit down, stand up or eat lunch. It’s not terribly interesting. Everything is better in moderation.

17. Status braggarts will not be tolerated.

18. Do not use Facebook to first announce any major personal lifestyle changes. If we have to learn that you’ve come out of the closet and you’re engaged to your lover from the “Interested In” and
“Relationship Status” tabs instead of from you personally, we’re de-friending you in real life and on Facebook.

That does it for the preliminary version of this Facebook Users Manifesto. If you have anything to add, feel free to do so and perhaps I will add it in as an amendment in an updated version. Thank you for reading and please take all of these rules into consideration so that we the people who use Facebook can one day be a more prosperous bunch.

Posted in Internet, lists, old friends, rules, Social Networking | Tagged: | 1 Comment »