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OneRiot Guide to Last-Minute Halloween Costumes

Posted by evankessler on October 30, 2009

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Muahaha, Spooky greetings OneRioters! Here we are on the cusp of yet another haunted All Hallow’s Eve, ready to gorge ourselves on Candy corns (yechh!) and Fun-sized Nestle Crunch (yum!). Are you with us?

Well, before you secure enough sweets to last you the next financial quarter, you’re going to have to stop stomping around the neighborhood in your everyday gear, because no one wants to give M&Ms to a banker or a dad casually dressed in Eddie Bauer gear– unless you can convince them that your costume is “1995 Man.”  So if you’ve waited ’til the last minute and have yet to secure a quality costume for Saturday’s big party or trick or treat trek, we here at OneRiot have a few suggestions to help you stand out amongst a sea of balloon boys and Jon and Kate plus Eight impersonators. So without further ado, the OneRiot last minute Halloween costume guide for those who have yet to decide:

Halloween 2008 – Last year Sarah Palin costumes were all the rage. You probably even dressed as the former Alaska governor last year. You’re so creative. Why not pull that power suit out with the American flag lapel pin out of the closet this year, make your hair look all sexy librarian-ish and slap on that pair of New Year‘s 2008 glasses you’ve held onto hoping to somehow get another use out of.  For good measure grab yourself a piggy bank and slap some lipstick on that thing and maybe glue some old candy wrappers to your person. Voila!

Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger– Dust off that old sport coat and procure a pair of pilot wings, a nifty hat and a sweet white stache. Carry with you a tupperware labeled “Hudson River” filled with water and a mini toy plane. Throughout the party keep landing your toy plane safely in the tupperware. Everyone at the party will consider you a hero. If you don’t want to carry around the tupperware you can just keep dropping your plane in other people’s drinks, but we suspect that could be annoying.

Joe Francis– For the sleazy mail order video king getting young girls to act uninhibited on camera may have led to a jail stint, but donning an orange prison jump suit and walking around the party of your choice beckoning fellow revellers to “go wild” whilst training your video camera on them could make you the hit of this Halloween – and give you plenty of memorable footage for years to come.  Just don’t sell it in monthly installments for the low price of $9.99.

Unsexy Cat- Every halloween, like clockwork, a bevy of impressively endowed ladies make it their duty to prove their sex appeal by showing that every possible profession looks better with less clothes on. This also extends to portrayals of Satan and domesticated animals. The fact of the matter is this: “Sexy Cop” or “Sexy Oncologist” are not real jobs and not all men are turned on every time a Siamese cat walks by. So in order to bring a dose of reality to halloween, we find the “Unsexy cat” to be a welcome change from the usual come hither costumes.  All it takes is an unattractive baggy pair of sweats, a tail and some cat ears.  Once you get to the party just start rubbing up uncomfortably against people and asking for food or water.

Veiled Insult– (or the, this is what I’m going as special) A lot of people show precious little creativity on Halloween. Couples will try to be cute and dress up as Raggedy Anne and Andy, or whatever adorable duo costume they found at the costume shop.  Ladies will try to be super sexy (slutty) and some guys will try to toss it off like they don’t care enough to get dressed on Halloween and just pop in some vampire teeth or a hint of fake blood. This is your chance to get back at them by going all conceptual. All you’ve got to do is get some lacy material to fashion a veil and affix it to a hair clip. Next, just attend a party and tell people how awful their costume is. They’ll either get your concept or they’ll want to fashion a new “person with a bloody head” getup for you. The key is to criticize sparingly and effectively, whilst enjoying their poorly dressed company.

Alright, Onerioters. Have a happy and safe Halloween.  Don’t eat any apples with pins in them, and if you’re giving out candy at your house don’t be the weirdo who pawns off pennies.

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