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Posts Tagged ‘Britney Spears’

Kids Named the Darnedest Things in ’09

Posted by evankessler on December 22, 2009

We civilians often look to celebrities for guidelines in all aspects of our lives. Who hasn’t gone gaga on the idea of weight loss after hearing Gwyneth sing the praises of the Master Cleanse and Kate Moss talk about not eating? Often we transfer that admiration we have for pop culture onto our own creations. Who can forget that year when everyone was naming their children “ESPN” after their favorite cable sports network, or “You’re Fired” in tribute to Donald Trump‘s TV catchphrase?

This year is no different as it was announced that the top baby names for 2009 are a decidedly odd bunch, with Aidan and Madeline leading the way.  We here at OneRiot can only assume that the popularity of esteemed actors Aidan Quinn and Madeleine(sic) Stowe are responsible for this trend.  After all, in 2009 you couldn’t flip on cable TV without seeing this duo displaying their dramatic chops in films like 1987’s Stakeout and 1994’s Blink (or could you have?).

While those two were tops of the name pop charts, there were a few other favorite labels parents enjoyed sticking on their kids for life in 2009. We’d like to take this opportunity to explore the reasons behind their popularity:

Jayden/Brayden: This duo of sexually ambiguous names are an obvious tribute to Britney Spears’ comeback. Britney has a son named “Jayden” and “Brayden” is some weird attempt to combine Britney’s name with her son. Both names provide a rare dose humanity, since Britney had this son with Kevin Federline and both names provide solemn reminders that we are all prone to making mistakes.

Jackson- One of the top names for boys this year, parents started naming their kids this en masse after Michael Jackson’s death, praying that the King of Pop would be reincarnated in their bodies, thus inspiring them to achieve superstardom– but praying none of the weird tendencies spring up.

Taylor- Not the highest ranking girl name up there, but given the nation’s surge of support for Taylor Swift after Kanye-gate, it’s totally understandable that parents chose to show whose side they were on by naming their youngsters after People Magazine’s 2009 Entertainer of the Year. Parents naming their kid Taylor could also be backers of “Team Jacob” given that the popular Twilight character is portrayed by Taylor Lautner.

Olivia- The popularity of this moniker could be attributed to nerd goddess Olivia Munn of G4’s “Attack of The Show!“.  Nerd parents would love for their kids to be a chip off the ol’ namesake and be total tech geeks with a Star Wars fetish. They’ll never have to worry where their daughter is late at night when she’s on the couch with mom and dad enjoying Battlestar Galactica reruns.

Evan- One of the top male names is obviously a product of people reading the OneRiot blog.  Just sayin’.

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Britney Spears Fan Swipes Chihuahua

Posted by evankessler on August 21, 2009

It was a hot, sweaty, steamy July night in the Magic City; the kind of night ripe for a description of a fictionalized account of a heinous crime.The crowd at Georgie’s Alibi, the Wilton Manners area of Miami’s premiere gay bar, was positively jumping. The throbbing music was making the crowd move, and the birthday party being held had the patrons giving off a positively radiant vibe.

Little Hudson Hayward Hemingway was looking good as he sat in his specialty bag scoping out the crowd, clad in his own soft pink coat accented by the pink earrings on his furry yet pointy four-month-old chihuahua ears and not barking at anyone.

Cher‘s “Believe” blasted through the speakers and Triple H’s 48-year old owner Brian Dortort shot a look over at his new best friend as if to say, “I believe in life after love as long as I have my adorable pup that I can dress up in a totally ridiculous manner.” Just like that the DJ switched it up and put on Britney Spears‘ latest hit “Radar.” All of the sudden the Britney Spears tattoo on the neck of an anonymous patron was activated. The tingle in his neck ink sent a message to his brain that the gayest thing in the room had to be his.

With cold precision, like Reggie Jackson on a mission to kill the Queen of England, said bar patron made for Hudson Hayward Hemingway and snatched him up, leaving under the cloak of blackness and beats that characterizes most Miami nights. It’s been nearly one month since H3 was snatched and while local police have continued the search with one suspect in mind, they’ve yet to bring in Dan Marino for questioning.

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Teens Like Like What They Like

Posted by evankessler on August 10, 2009

About five-sevenths of those in the proper age range to be referred to as “Teens” may not have the right to vote, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be blessed with the burden of choice. What better way to bestow upon the adolescent population their very own right to choose by giving them an award show in which they basically tell you what you already knew they liked?

Yes, everyone who induces shrieking in those between the ages of 13 and 19 was on hand to be honored at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards, a shocking ceremony held at the Gibson Theater in Los Angeles on Sunday night.  The kids let their ballots (or however they vote) do the obsessed, high-pitched wailing that only dogs can hear.

As soon as Lassie got the message loud and clear it was apparent that the kids thought enough of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart‘s performance in their light-hearted, not-at-all brooding, good-time vampire romp, Twilight, that they saw fit to award them both for it. The film went on to snag 11 awards in total.

Meanwhile, the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus surprised everyone by taking home five and six awards respectively, possibly in the music category or maybe just in the cute boyz and girlz department. The show also saw the aforementioned acts separately involved in two of the most beguiling moments in world pop culture history.  The first occurred when one of the Jonas Brothers (Gary?) had his hair cut by Mike Tyson.  Call us crazy, but we just don’t trust putting scissors in the hands of a guy with a face tattoo who has bitten off ears.  For the evening’s 2nd oddest moment, Miley Cyrus actually referred to Britney Spears as “my hero.”  Oh those teens, when they choose to be, they can be quite unpredictable.  To catch all of the wacky action, check out the show tonight on FOX!

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NEVER Gonna Give You Up

Posted by evankessler on June 30, 2009

Rick Astley Live in Singapore

Image via Wikipedia

In the days following the death of Michael Jackson, Internet hoaxsters have tried their hand at convincing us that famous people are dropping like flies. First there were the Jeff Goldblum rumors, then they told us our beloved Harrison Ford and Britney Spears had gone the way of the dodo.

Being the astute followers of pop culture that we are and being hip to the fact that celebrities die in threes and not 4’s,5’s, 6’s, or 7’s, we quickly saw these stories for what they were, nothing but a bunch of hogwash. Nonetheless, these pranksters will stop at nothing until they finally persuade us that another one of our beloved elite entertainers is now standing in that spotlight in the sky. Their latest attempt comes at the expense of a singer who is so obviously immortal, based on his assertions that he is “NEVER gonna give you up” or “let you down.”  We’re talking about 80’s Brit-soul superstar, Rick Astley.

Early this morning the Internets had an outpouring of stories on Mister Astley, asserting that the singer had been found dead in his German hotel room at the age of forty-three. Our first reaction was, “Say it ain’t so.”  Our second, however, was to quietly sing the lyrics, “Together forever and never to part. Together forever with you.” It was these lyrics that gave us the resolve and strength to realize this story was indeed a crock. For when Rick Astley croons, “Together FOREVER,” he means it. OneRiot 1, Internet Hoaxsters 0.

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Lynne Spears…The Worst Mother in The World?

Posted by evankessler on December 28, 2007


***note: I meant to write this a week ago when the news about Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy broke. I resurrected the post today when I had to submit a writing sample for a potential writing gig and it basically wrote itself.


Upon hearing the news that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant, my immediate reaction was one of laughter. Several minutes later the humorous slant was still there but there was also an overwhelming feeling of sadness. The bulk of the blame for the irresponsibility of not one but both of the Spears girls was surely to be placed on the hopefully sturdy shoulders of the undoubtedly shocked Lynne Spears. People may think that laying the blame on Lynne for her girls gone wild may be a little undeserved, but in my non-expert opinion, she’s the exact model for what a mom should not be. Before you admonish me for being too harsh, please allow me to explain my point of view.

I find the idea of stage parents to be utterly abhorrent. Parents who push their kids at an early age to take up singing, dancing, or acting at such an early age undoubtedly have stars and dollar signs in their eyes instead of a child’s well being. When a child offers up the information at a young age that they want to be any kind of performer when they grow up, parents should support their children’s dreams but understand that with time the child will develop new dreams and that “when I grow up” doesn’t mean immediately. You don’t see children who want to be firemen being immediately thrust into practicing hose drills at the local firehouse. To throw your kid in the fire at the age of six is an idiotic and precarious situation, yet that’s what stage parents are doing to an obviously less extreme extent. As a result you have kids like Britney and Jamie Lynn who are never taught the power of the word “no”, as in “No, you can’t skip school for a Disney audition” or “no, you can’t have sex without a condom” and “no, you shouldn’t marry that backup dancer whose wife is pregnant with child”. Children with knowledge of their limitations grow up with something called common sense. Children without limitations are brought up to believe they can do whatever they want without consequences. You want to sing professionally…we’ll get you on star search and a record contract. You want to wear a slutty miniskirt in your first video…sure? You want to be on Disney, just like your big sister? No Problem. You want your life to be a complete wreck before you grow up? Here you go..

If I’m calling Lynne Spears the worst mother in the world (I’m obviously speaking in hyperbole) it’s simply for the reason that she never set any limits for her children and if people find that to be admirable then I have to heartily disagree.

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