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Posts Tagged ‘Bret Michaels’

Bret Michaels’ Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Posted by evankessler on December 28, 2010

Bret Michaels has now overtaken Confucius as the chief bearer of fortune cookie wisdom as evidenced by this sagacious tidbit I received with my chicken in garlic sauce and wonton soup on Christmas Day:

If my next fortune reads “The wind is for riding” or “Unskinny bop” I may stop ordering Chinese food altogether.

 

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The Most Disappointing 15 Minutes of Fame Ever

Posted by evankessler on June 29, 2009

Eleven-Year Old Harvey Kindlon was so close! He managed to get within feet of uber-beauty of the moment Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers 2, when his well-documented quest to give her a yellow rose was stymied by the flashbulbs of photo hounds from the UK’s trashiest rags.  It seemed all was well that ended well though, as the aptly-named Ms. Fox had seen a photo of the boy pathetically longing in the not-so-distance and issued an apology, noting that ignoring such a doting fan was very unlike her.

In an effort to remedy the situation, Kodak put a down payment on Kindlon’s future as a stalker, by flying the boy out to New York for a second chance at an encounter with the object of his affection and ex-fiancee of Brian Austin Green. It seemed that the stars were perfectly aligned for their whirlwind romance to begin as the sexy M.F. was slated to appear on “The Today Show” on Friday in New York, and the boy would finally be able to shower the star with canary-colored petals.

Alas, if we’ve learned nothing from Bret Michaels, it’s that every rose, indeed, has it’s thorn.  With the sudden death of the King of Pop occurring Thursday, Fox’s appearance was scrapped from the today show and Kindlon’s dreams were subsequently deflated in one fell swoop.  The starlet never entered the gravitational pull of the city that never sleeps, as she
was whisked back to her home in Hollywood, leaving one sad little boy who will most likely learn that he’ll continually be disappointed in his relationships with women if he doesn’t lower his standards.  In a related story, I’ve yet to have that personal political summit with Natalie Portman I’ve been requesting for years.

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Every Tony Awards Prop Has Its Thorn

Posted by evankessler on June 8, 2009

Every once in awhile amidst of a sea of opposing religious beliefs and practices, we are convinced that one true force rules the universe, a force known as karma.  It seems that when Bret Michaels began his run on Rock of Love nearly two years ago and began subsequently leveling the hopes and dreams of trashy women who fantasized about having an over-the-hill rocker boyfriend with a wig attached to a bandana for hair, he may have tossed that karma boomerang into the air.

Last night that projectile came humming back in Mr. Michaels general direction while the spotlight was on him and his blond weave.  The inexplicable Tony invitee was, for some reason, performing his  80’s smash hit “Nothing’ But A Good Time” with his bandmates in Poison when the hurt and pain of 1000 Rodeos, Ambres, and Daisies of love came smashing down on the hair band has been in the form of a stage set piece. It was, in a word, magical.  While we hope Mr. Michaels is okay so that he may resume telling us how his “awesome” harem of self-loathing girls with daddy issues make him so “turned on” on Rock of Love next season, we hope he’s learned that lady karma can be much more of a total bitch than that total bitch Lacey.

 

 

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