Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Posts Tagged ‘Brad Pitt’

Racial Profiling Strikes Again

Posted by evankessler on August 17, 2009

me don, shah rukh don!

Image by grand.jeté via Flickr

Racial Profiling has been a longstanding tradition in the United States of America. If you’re brown and weren’t in the movie Slumdog Millionaire odds are someone in a position of authority thinks you’reeither a terrorist, a burglar hell bent on ransacking the homes of prominent Harvard Professors, or worse, a socialist Nazi who wants to turn us all into a helpless gaggle of able bodied citizens with guaranteed health care.  The African-American population could tell you some stories over a beer with the President if you’d like.

Tradition aside, it had seemed like the practice of profiling had died down over the past few weeks in the wake of some sort of controversial incident in Massachusetts of which we’re totally unaware of the specifics.  Leave it to the great state of New Jersey to bring back a grand ol’ tradition in style just in time for torrid news period that is the month of August. Over the weekend the vigilant officials at Newark Airport (i.e. The Center of the Universe) had their suspicions trained on one particular passenger.  Maybe it was the movie star good looks of Shah Rukh Khan that caught their eye, or his Muslim name, or the fact that he knew he had that certain something–that certain something that screams I’m either a really big star or I want to probably kill a lot of people, people who are currently asking for my autograph. Unfortunately for the Newark Airport officials, they would come to find out it was the former.
Shah Rukh Khan, one of the biggest actors in Bollywood currently on the road promoting a film about the racial profiling of Indian Muslims after 9/11, was ironically detained and questioned as part of a “secondary inspection” for over one hour by airport authorities  who subsequently found out that he was not planning on doing evil (unless his latest film ends up being a bomb).

The false detainment has caused a good level of embarrassment for the US and outrage from Indians, some of whom called for retaliation against the likes of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on their twitter accounts. Ambassador Timothy J. Roemer
attempted to appease those outraged by stating that Khan was a “global icon” and a “very welcome guest in the United States.” As a further goodwill gesture he offered the Indian government Carrot Top provided they lock him up and throw away the key.

Advertisements

Posted in current events, OneRiot | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

File Under: Things I Don’t Ever Need To Know About

Posted by evankessler on August 9, 2008

The Yahoo! entertainment feed has a consistent habit of informing me of mind boggling non-stories that I would certainly file under “Things I don’t ever need to know about”. However, having seen their headlines, I have to admit my curiosity does get piqued from time to time. Today’s item of interest read:

“McConaughey to plant son’s placenta in orchard”

Now, I’m not sure what I’ll ever use this information for aside from this post, but now I have the indelible image of Matthew McConaughey holding a placenta in a field, etched on my brain, for no other reason than someone at the associated press chose it was worthy of reporting.

If I had any talent with photoshop I would use this photo of McConaughey…

And incorporate it with this photo of a placenta:

…so that you might have at least an idea of the picture that reading that simple headline burned on my brain, although I suppose you’re all creative enough to do that on your own.

Hey, does anyone know what Brad Pitt did with Angelina’s water when it broke? Is it in their fish tank? Did they bottle it as Angelina’s Baby Nectar and sell it to people magazine for charity? I hope a report surfaces soon on the topic because I’m dying to know.

Posted in Celebrity, Children | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Pitt-Jolie Baby Photo Exclusive

Posted by evankessler on August 1, 2008

This just in…People magazine has ponied up a hefty sum of $14 Million for exclusive photos of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest contribution to society, but here at EvanKessler.com we just so happen to have the scoop on what the babies will look like………….

OTHER BABIES!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Odds are Pitt and Jolie’s twins will be tiny and cute and have slight distinguishing characteristics of their parents, though you won’t really be able to tell because those features will be so teensy weensy and would have barely begun to assert themselves in such a youthful state. Word has it they’ll also eventually poop and cry. Luckily, the money Pitt and Jolie received for first dibs at their kids is going to charity…otherwise the transaction in question may have been completely worthless.

Posted in Celebrity, Children, Exclusive | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Jesus’ Cousin

Posted by evankessler on March 26, 2008


In recent news, researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society wasted a shit ton of time, and most likely a shit ton of money researching the family trees of the current crop of presidential candidates to make sure they were definitely related to a bunch of celebrities and past presidents. When their findings were exposed in a shit ton of publications, it was revealed that if you went far back enough, John McCain, Hillary Clinton , and Barack Obama were related to some seriously famous and prestigious personages of historical and celebratical (that’s celebrity-related to the word police) importance. After pressing their heads together for nearly 36 months genealogical researchers were able to surmise that not only was Hillary Clinton related to Bill Clinton in some roundabout marriage related way, but she was also related to such bigwigs as Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Alanis Morrissette, Celine Dion, Camilla Parker-Bowles and Jack Kerouac. I wonder if she can sing the lyrics to “Ironic”, “My Heart Will Go On” and “La Isla Bonita” while reciting On The Road.

Now Mrs. Clinton wasn’t the only candidate with impressive lineage. Democratic almost-frontrunner Barack Obama seems to have statesmanship coursing through his veins. Not only does this guy have the potential to be the first black president, but he’s got some dead and even living white presidents cheering on his DNA as well. His distant cousins include President George W. Bush (natch) , George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison . Some of his other cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee. Though to be honest a lot of this dormant DNA could resurface and cause some serious self-loathing. I mean half of those guys hated black people. I think the fact that he’s related to Brad Pitt though will cancel out all of the hate and essentially lead to a Hillary/Obama -Jolie Relative/Pitt Relative democratic ticket.

While Obama and Clinton were both busy bringing their famous relatives to the big election dance, the best Republican Nominee John McCain could do was first lady Laura Bush. This is sure to hurt his chances when Novermber rolls around. I mean what kind of ammunition will McCain have when the critical debate question of “who is the most famous person you’re related to?” is unleashed. It’s sure to be a brutal embarassment.

With all of the ancestral admiration hanging in the balance, I thought it would be of great service if I went the same route as Hilary, Barack, and Mr. McCain and traced my ancestry back to some seriously famous people. As a result, I contacted the good folks of Ancestry.com and implored them to “wow me.” Luckily for myself and you the reader, they came up with some mind blowing results that are exclusive to all evankessler.com readers. Is everyone ready to find out the impressive lineage from which Evan Kessler has descended? I knew you would be…Let’s take a look.

Jesus- This one goes without saying…we’re both Jews…and we both love football

Haile Selassie- The Rastafari messiah himself. I suppose I could see that…though I totally don’t smoke weed, but everyone thinks I do. Maybe that’s where I get that.

Hallie Kate Eisenberg– This doesn’t really make sense since I totally hate Pepsi.

Robert Guillaume- I used to love the show Benson.

Eric Clapton- He’s only passed down the white guy genes, not the guitar playing ones.

Well, that does it for this trip down relative row. If you want to know who you’re related to that’s famous, I suggest running for president or starting your own website and asking Ancestry.com to trace your lineage. I’m sure you’ll come up with some fascinating stuff.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »