Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Posts Tagged ‘Barnes and Noble’

Super Bowl

Posted by evankessler on January 7, 2008


The plan this weekend was to do nothing and maybe watch some football. It didn’t quite happen like that. After all of the alcoholic indulgence over New Years Eve my plan was to be “on the wagon” for the next two weeks. It didn’t quite work out that way but my one indiscretion in the name of Jack and Coke on Thursday evening was not of my choosing. I had gone to meet a friend who had called me in the late evening hours to meet her at the Lighthouse. She sounded a bit upset. I took this as meaning that something was wrong or had happened so I figured that maybe I should join her. When I arrived she was drunk, and not necessarily in the need of a helping hand.

I did not order any booze based beverages throughout the entire evening. I merely sat and enjoyed the company savoring several glasses of water while an unruly bunch of idiots waxed philosophical about that evening’s Iowa Caucuses.

Soon one of the other bartenders arrived with what amounted to the cavalry to get his drink on. I was just about ready to leave at this point as it was much later than I had planned on staying out. The clock was reading somewhere around 1am. When I returned to my chair, Adam, my friendly neighborhood bartender placed a Jack and Coke in front of me, though fully aware that I was on the wagon that week. I deflected his gift, but after several minutes of deliberation in my own head, I came to the conclusion that it was rude to refuse a free drink from your favorite bartender and reluctantly partook of the poison. There would be no 2nd helping though, as I went home straight after and called it a night.

Friday I was completely resigned to sitting in my house and watching Robin Williams movies, but earlier in the day my friend Thea told me I was eating pizza with her and watching TV. Who was I to argue? A little after 7:30pm I went over to her place and ate 3 slices of Onion and Meatball pizza. Our next move was to go to Barnes & Noble where we perused potential literary purchases, but having made a recent book purchase I decided against buying one of those “urban novels” so I would look funny riding the train. There was a book made up of IM conversation that Thea wanted me to buy but I vehemently resisted. After she purchased her selections we settled in at the cafe and had some tea without alcohol before heading back to her apartment to watch TV before calling it a night. I got home at 1am after 2 episodes of America’s Next Top Model.

Saturday morning it was so far so good in regards to my do nothing game plan. I ate breakfast and played Madden ’08. I stopped about an hour before the first NFL Wild Card playoff game was suppposed to come on. As I was finishing up my Wii fun, my roommate Laura told me that a bunch of our friends and roommates were going to Melody Lanes for some hardcore bowling action. I had quite the dilemma on my hands…playoff football or bowling?

Normally my man instincts would point me towards playoff football but I was none too excited for the Washington-Seattle Matchup that evening. Instead, I erred on the side of fun. And Fun it was as 14 of us showed up at the lanes to roll up some good times.

We probably waited about 45 minutes before getting our two lanes but once we got our bowling shoes we were ready to go.

Bassett’s Bowling Shoes

We’ve Got A Lot of Balls

Maureen and Laura Put on Their Game Faces

It was quite the bowlathon if you ask me. Gary’s Angels (Renga, Dan, Andrew, Pete, Robin, and Myself) squared off against Split Decision (Maureen, Bassett, Pat, Stephen, Matt, and Ryan). We all picked pseudonyms to bowl under. I chose “Gary” since it’s such a versatile name and sounds like the name of a bowler. Other pseudonyms were Obama, Sparkle, The Unibowler, The Lord, Tancredo, Rocky, Huckabee, Ace, Pete (for Renga) and 2Pete (for actual Pete). But the names weren’t as important as the winners. For instance, in the 1st game I was the winner. I think I bowled a 141 to 2Pete’s 136. In the 2nd Game 2Pete edged me out 118 to 110.

Victory Is Sweet

Bowltry In Motion: The Unibowler

Anyway, Pete2 and I wereboth on the same team, so that was more important, because it helped the far superior Gary’s Angels triumph twice over Split Decision who are just really awful bowlers and if they ever show their faces around the Melody Lanes again will probably be embarrassed when we spank them again. Of course we couldn’t have done it without the tools below.

The Ball (I used)

The Hammer

The Katie (Did Not Play)

The Dan

The Beer (Which I Didn’t Drink)

The Bowling Buffett or Bowlfet

Yes even though not everyone played everyone had a good time as evidenced below, but the bowling party could not last forever.


Fresh from rolling the stones down the ol’ hardwood the group reconvened at the ol’ apartment. The plan was to have a nice homecooked dinner. However, I was under the impression it was a dinner for the bowling buddies and roomies. Several minutes after Bassett began preparing our post rolling repast, a party seemingly broke out. All of the sudden there were 20 plus people in the kitchen and little room to maneuver with the dining room tables.

Despite the large crowd we had a lovely well prepared meal of Penne alla vodka and garlic bread thanks to the talented Laura Bassett, but after that all bets were off…or on. Suddenly the gathering resembled a college basement party with 8 guys playing diced in the corner and screaming their heads off when they hit on a 6 or something. It became rather unpleasant. I went upstairs to check the score of the Jags and Steelers game to escape all of ridiculousness. Bassett managed to quell the din with her attempt to hold a pub style quiz in the kitchen. We made it through 5 rounds with my team consisting of myself, Andrew, Dan, Renga, and Mike in the lead before a new dice game sprouted.

From that point on I was unenthused. It might have helped if I was drunk but the dice game seemed to not appeal to half of the party anyway. I went into Bassett’s room with some of the other revelers and played some catchprase until the party started to empty out. I was relieved when everyone was gone and I could finally go to sleep.

Sunday morning came and it felt like Christmas Day. The New York Giants were in the playoffs and today was their day to shine. I was a little pessimistic heading in…feeling like the glass was 1/4 empty as far as their chances to beat the Tampa Bay Bucs in their NFC Wild Card game, but all in all I felt alright.

The game began at 1pm and the feeling in the pit of my stomach as the Bucs went up 7-0 and held the Giants to -2 total yards in the first quarter was definitely not a good one. My gut eased up though as Eli Manning took control and led the Giants to 24 consecutive points en route to a 24-14 victory. Next up…the Dallas Cowboys. I say, bring ’em on.

The rest of Sunday was spent in the sweaty confines of the gym and the comfort of my home watching the wild card round come to a close…and with that so did my weekend.

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The Continuing Story of Pub Quiz ( The Correct Answers)

Posted by evankessler on March 15, 2007


This here is the story of an above average Wednesday night in Brooklyn. Like all good stories there’s going to be some preamble and exposition before we get to the meaty part. When all is said and done, even if you aren’t sure you’ve heard the meatiest part, you can rest assured that you have.

Now what would a Wednesday be without a Tuesday. Odds are it would be a Tuesday. I wouldn’t be doin’ Wednesday any dang justice by neglecting to tell you just how this young sharpshooter spent his Tuesday. Legend has it that Evan Kessler spend his darn tootin’ Tuesday in the most darnedest way possible. He aimed his six shooter at a target about 2 miles away in Manhattan, trying hit the employment bullseye. Unfortunately, that bullet completely missed even the outermost target and ricocheted off a few buildings before settling all nice and quiet like on a sidestreet somewhere under a marquee. The best part about that is he didn’t even have to leave his Brooklyn Apartment. He was firing shots all over the place and while no targets were hit, nothing got damaged ‘cept for maybe the pride of this young sharpshooter.

Our hero figured to take a stroll and stop feelin’ so doggone down. As he strolled outside down the dusty path into town he had the sweet tune of Ryan Adams “She’s Lost Total Control” bouncing around his brain. He headed on to his local savings and loan to watch the money swirl around from his unemployment fund to his checking account. “Look at that there money go”, he exclaimed. Not once did it occur to him to knock the joint over. A job like that is best left to outlaws like Jesse James, William H. Bonney, or maybe even a Kris Kristofferson. After watchin’ all the money change hands it was time for our Mr. Kessler to pick up a copy of his local newspaper. Despite being confined to his solitary station in the world, our hero had a yearnin’ to know about the world around him. He’s worldly like that. I suppose that knowledge is something a man can be proud of. He returned home still sporting a song in his brain, only this time it was a different one. It was a bunch of Beastie Boys from around these parts spouting off some silly rhymes about how “She’s Crafty” or something or other.

Upon arriving home he took that paper and dang near read all of it. Though to be fair readin’ is just a generous term for scannin’. He kept the humming along to the music all the while. He finally put that intee-lec-shoo-al piece a paper down as a Matthew Sweet’s “Sick of Myself” echoed throughout the room. That pretty much did it for the day except for a trip to the general store and a good ol’ fashion hearty meal of Rice, Beans, and Chicken. The rest of the evening was spent settled down on the furniture and taking in some visual entertainment.

Our hero had to rise at the early hour of 9am this here Wednesday morning. Now, I know 9am ain’t very early for those who work on the farm, but to our hero that’s about as early as can be. Ain’t nobody ever cock-a-doodle doo’s round his parts before 10 in the AM, past month or so. I reckon something important must’ve been going on in order to rouse him from his slumber at such an unlikely. Turns out he had to go down to the Unemployment Office for some sort of o-ree-en-tay-shun. Now, I ain’t never had me no o-ree-en-tay-shun…but it don’t sound like too much fun.

As the story goes, this cowboy vacted his premises in order to make it to the o-ree-en-tay-shun at around 10:05am. He didn’t take no horse though. He mosied on down to 250 Schemerhorn St. on the 3rd floor. On his way, he shuffled several more songs through his consciousness. He took up where he left off with that ol’ Matthew Sweet song and rolled on through Travis’ “Side”, Ben Lee’s “Side View” and even two versions of Luna’s “Sideshow by the Seashore”. What could possess a man to enjoy the same song twice in a row? Don’t that beat all? There were other songs too but too numerous to mention all of them.

The time spent in that there unemployment office was quite uneventful and our protagonist had to wonder who it was helping. An elderly man read off job listings for positions at dining establishments that certainly did not appeal to most people present in that there room. Feeling as though it had been a great waste of time, Mr. Kessler reversed his mosey back towards his humble home. He returned home after a couple of songs about Silver and his brain rested on one particular Bob Dylan song entitled “Simple Twist of Fate” as he twisted his key in the door.

On the other end of the door our sharpshooter picked up his revolver and fired a few more shots at employment targets with similar results as he had seen the day before. Instead of sulking in his chagrin, he made for the door to the store filled with books. He restarted the previous tune in his head and made for the Barnes & Noble. That Barnes & Noble was certainly packed to the brim with readin’. I have to hand it to those guys. I don’t know who does more work, Barnes or Noble, but I give ’em all the credit in the world.

As our learned lovable loser scanned over the libros he noticed several titles in particular, aimed at dummies. Now, I don’t know ’bout you, but our man had to wonder how readin’ somethin’ for dummies was bound to make the reader feel. Especially on titles like “Depression For Dummies”. If a dummy can’t get over depression by readin’ “Depression for Dummies” ain’t that gonna make them more depressed? Sounds a little bit hinky if you ask me. After about 40 minutes of scanning the volumes of verbiage, Evan decided to high tail it home for some further periodical perusing. He picked up the times and arrived at his home to the tune of some Nada Surf singing about “Sleep” or something like that.

An hour after returning back home our Urban Cowboy made a move to better his physical standing by taking some time out to run on something called an “Elliptical”, and wouldn’t you know it he played songs into his head while doing that too. He went from hearing songs about “Sleep” all the way to one where some New Pornographers sang about a “Slow Descent Into Alcoholism”. I know what that’s like. That pretty much did it for the musical portion of the
day. Next up was the academic allotment.

At around 8:30 in the PM Evan headed out to a Black Sheep Pub for some rowdy times with the Pub Quiz Gang. The pub quiz gang consisted of Laura R, Laura B, Andrew, Mike H, Stephen H, Katie O, Maureen H, and Pete F. There were 9 folks on hand and there could only be as many as 4 on a team. The teams split up into threes and Evan was a member of “The Correct Answers” with Laura R and Stephen. The Correct Answers were quite the posse for being only three folks. They rustled up quite the score in the first half at the contest. The quiz master originally shortchanged them one point, but The Correct Answers set him straight. They weren’t playin’ no games…except Pub Quiz. Unfortunately, for The Correct Answers the questions got much more difficult in 2nd half. Despite their promising start the group had just about met their demise. When the scores were all added up there was a tie. Seems The Correct Answers were all knotted up with 2 other teams for 3rd place. There would be a tie breaker question to determine which team would hit pay dirt for that free round of beer given to the third place team.

The teams eagerly awaited their tiebreaker question. then it happened. The quizmaster asked, “How many species of Rodents are there?”. Evan wrote the number 38 on a napkin as a pure guess. Stephen wrote out 1200 and after several seconds of reasoning the team decided on Stephen’s answer. Upon handing it in the tension was so think you could cut it with a knife, albeit a butter knife, but that’s still a knife. It ain’t no Crocodile Dundee Knife but what is these days. You can’t carry that ’round these here parts.

Several seconds later the announcer said that the answer was “2000”. The Correct Answers had gotten the incorrect answer. However, there was still hope since it was all about who was closest. However, they would soon learn that they were not the closest and would not be getting a free beer. In fact, they came smack in the middle between the two other teams tied for 3rd place. That meant they were officially 4th place. There would be no pub quiz victory tonight…but Evan and his compadres vowed that they’d get revenge next time…and that they’d be more prepared.

So that’s it…That’s the entire story. I hope you didn’t miss the entire meat of the story…and if you did…well go back and find it.

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