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Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’

The Modest Beginnings of a Great Orator

Posted by evankessler on April 20, 2011

Getting a reputation as a great orator is as simple as making but a few memorable speeches. While my reputation for delivering inspirational speeches to crowds of people who would go onto lead/leave nations has long since been earned thanks to inspiring gems like the “Let’s go to the food court” speech at Nanuet Mall in 1992, the “I had a crazy dream last night” address at the Sadler Dining Hall  circa 1998, and the “Internships Are Important” monologue delivered before an enrapt class of Seniors at Mepham High School in the late winter of 2011, the fact remains that all elocution and bombast-related  legend must have it’s point of origin. Recently, I stumbled upon mine own.

Thumbing through the contents of the bedroom drawer in my childhood home, I came upon the first speech I ever delivered to a captive audience. Indeed there was something presidential about it, as it helped me to get elected to the highest political office in Mrs. Hutt’s 1st Grade Class at Lime Kiln Elementary School.  Below are its cherished contents:

"Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down That Wall!"

While my core values from that period have remained in tact, I more freely associate the regulatory policies discouraging the running in the classroom and throwing of paper airplanes with the Democratic Party instead of the Republican Party– which is listed above as my affiliation circa 1985. Regardless of which party line I was towing, it goes without saying that my rousing speech and campaign platform listed above, along with the slogan “Kess is Best,” afforded me a landslide victory in the election and helped mold me into the successful person I am today.

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2010: 2009 All Over Again?

Posted by evankessler on December 30, 2009

Precious few hours are left in the decade that has yet to have a affectionate moniker bestowed upon it other than the rather drab “aughts” or “oh-oh’s.” We could easily look back on the the last ten years and affix the era with an apt title like the “Decade Where Everyone Decided To Go Completely Insane Over The Tiniest Pseudo-Celebrity News,” but we’ll resist that temptation.  We here at OneRiot would like to look forward to 2010.  Specifically, we’re in search of an unofficial motto that will define the attitude for the next year to come.  There’s been some great ones over the last ten years like “2001: Let’s Have Some Fun,” and “2003: Everyone’s Drinking Tea!” Who could forget the collective determination of “2008: Let’s All Lose Some Weight”? Okay, so maybe none of those were actual slogans used in their years and maybe we just made them up using simple rhyme scheme for the sake of this post, but that doesn’t mean 2010 shouldn’t have an unofficial slogan, does it?  We’ve reached into the deep well of our imagination and our knowledge of words that rhyme with “ten” to bring you a list of potential taglines for the year to come.

2010: Put The Crazies Back In The Pen- 2009 saw the emergence of nutbars like teabaggers who brought guns to health care rallies and birther Orly Taitz. This slogan beckons a return to reasonable political discourse.

2010: Let’s Go Hang Out In The Den– Leisurely acts took a big hit in 2009.  Everyone spent more time in the unemployment line and less time relaxing. Here’s hoping we kick this recession in the new year and spend less time applying elbow grease while massaging our careers.  Instead, we should all just kick back in our favorite room in the house and enjoy entertaining friends in front of that new 60-inch TV we just bought after our new boss decided we were due for a raise.

2010: Lose Some Weight Again- After we triumphantly lost weight in 2008, some of us used ’09 to sit around and dine.  Let’s get back on that health train.

Amen, It’s 2010: It’s going to be a spiritual year, people.

2010: You’re Going To Have To Watch Figure Skating– The Vancouver Winter Olympics starts up in a few weeks and whether you like it or not…you’re going to have to watch figure skating.

2010: The Year We Make Contact- Okay, so this isn’t a slogan as much as it’s the name of the Peter Hyams-directed sequel to Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, but maybe just maybe this is the year we finally hang out with E.T.

2010: Two Years ‘Til The End- According to the Mayan Calendar, we’re all going down in ’12, so let’s make this one count.

Happy New Year readers.  See you next year!

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Steel Cage Match: Dodd vs. McMahon

Posted by evankessler on September 16, 2009

Over the last several months the debate over healthcare has made congress look like it was embroiled in a WWE Battle Royale.  Barack Obama’s big speech made us feel like he was the last man standing in the ring, just before Joe Wilson made it apparent that he and a few other Republicans were still hanging onto the top rope and about to charge directly at the president’s bill with a foreign object in hand and a folding chair slung over their shoulders. All wrestling metaphors aside, it looks like another Royal Rumble may be coming to the Connecticut political arena just in time for the 2010 election!

Linda McMahon, CEO of the WWE and wife of its Chairman Vince McMahon, has announced her intentions to run for the Republican nomination for Connecticut Senatorial Seat currently occupied by “Kid Dynamite” Chris Dodd. Instead of the engaging in the typical electoral process, “The Moderate Mawler” is aiming at a steel cage ladder match lasting three falls.  Should Ms. McMahon take the Senatorial Championship, CSPAN is expected to become a lot more interesting as it will feature frequent filibusters from the likes of Macho Man Randy Savage and The Rock– not to mention every Monday Night you’ll be able to catch CSPAN Raw where government disputes are settled in the ring!  Now that’s what I call Government!

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Laura Bush Flexes Conservative Muscle

Posted by evankessler on September 8, 2009

President Obama inherited a lot of undesirable elements from the previous presidential administration: two wars; a flailing economy; and a sizeable debt– to name just a few.  While Dubya (a.k.a. he of the frequent comically inept quote) has yet to offer so much as a whimper of an apology for putting the next President into such a politically precarious situation, The Decider’s legacy as a generally crappy decision maker has been overshadowed by his party’s quest to vilify any and all suggestions the current President makes in the attempt to get us out of this mess.
Granted, not all of President Obama’s decisions have been golden eggs, but the dude is trying.  Unfortunately, partisan politics seems to follow him at every turn, whether he’s being labeled “the great indoctrinator” for trying to merely tell kids to stay in school or a “socialist” for his attempt to (gasp) get people cheaper health care.  As the President continues to dodge slanderous projectiles from the extreme right and even extreme left, he’s finally found himself some conservative support from the unlikeliest of places–the wife of the man who got us into a good deal of this mess. 

Laura Bush–stepping out of her Stepford mansion and onto the small screen– has come out with more than a few kind words in support of the current president.  In a recent interview with CNN, Mrs. Decider offered up her opinion of her husband’s successor, saying that she thought Obama was doing a good job under the circumstances (which may or may not be code for George says, “my bad”).  She also went on to criticize the partisan nature of Washington, defending the President’s speech to schoolchildren, suggesting that parents should learn from his example and “encourage their own children to stay in school and to study hard and to try to achieve the dream that they have.”

Now if we could only get the rest of the President’s detractors to agree with the controversial statement that “staying in school and getting an education is important”, then we might finally be onto something.  Keep up the good work Laura, you continue plugging literacy and we’ll keep reading and writing.

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International Left-Hander’s Day!

Posted by evankessler on August 13, 2009

Being left-handed can be both an affliction and a blessing.  While many lefties are said to be geniuses, the act of transferring the brilliance they possess from pen to paper is often met with smeared ink.  Lefties have faced much hardship in their lives, from sitting next to a righty at the dinner table to engaging in a proper handshake with someone of the opposite-handed persuasion, and lest we forget looking ever so awkward with a pair scissors.  The lefty must persevere through a childhood of bitter strife in which the other 90% of the population tells them they are doing things all wrong or that they’re not patriotic unless they put their right hand over their heart during the pledge of allegiance.

For all of the discrimination and difficulty they are forced to endure, they emerge a stronger, savvier southpaw, and for that they deserve their own day of honor.  So here’s to all of the Sandy Koufaxes, Barack Obamas, William Jefferson Clintons, Leonardo Da Vincis,(Evan Kesslers) and Paul McCartneys of the world who despite not feeling comfortable at their right-handed desk have been able to etch their names as more than just a footnote in the pages of history. Today August 13th is your day, International Left-Hander’s day. Grasp it in the hand everyone says you shouldn’t use and don’t let go.

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Beer Summit Brings New Brand of Justice

Posted by evankessler on July 31, 2009

President Barack Obama, Professor Henry Louis ...

Image via Wikipedia

Rise and shine America, a new day has dawned for our way of life. When you woke up yesterday there were three branches of Government: The Legislative, The Executive, and The Judicial; However, this morning as you look out your window at the summer sun, you should know that one third of those branches is no longer with us.

Despite thenomination and subsequent confirmation of Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, the Judicial system is now obsolete.  With the recent advent of the beer summit in which President Obama settled the issue of whether or not Henry Louis Gates was guilty of breaking into his own house by simply inviting the Harvard Professor and his arresting
officer to discuss the charges and the racial strife caused by said charges over a beer, overnight it has become customary to settle all disputes this way.  From now on whether you’re wrongfully accused of murder or were perhaps pulled over for driving under the influence, you’ll be faced with two options:

One, you could put on a suit and be tried by a jury of your peers, or you could down a few with your accuser and effectively reach an understanding in a flurry of four beers.  The latter option is expected to put the court system out of business, but increase the amount of DUIs. The good news is…no more lawyers!

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Palin Bids Alaskan Responsibilities Adieu

Posted by evankessler on July 27, 2009

Fans of the political process from sea to shining sea got a big boost of confidence Sunday when Sarah Palin formally stepped down as Alaska Governor. In traditional gubernatorial fashion, the former head of the Alaskan state, showed she was one of the greats, by accepting no responsibility for any of the misfortune and scandal that befell during her abbreviated reign as its supreme leader– most notably the negative attention she and her family garnered as John McCain‘s running mate in the 2008 Presidential election.

In one of her trademark rambling, incoherent speeches,Palin railed against obvious foes such as “the media” who so infamously engaged in their “gotcha journalism” when Palin repeatedly made it obvious that she knew precious few details about government at the federal level, (and god only knows the state level) while being asked simple questions that most people that might be in the position to run the country should be able to answer.

The media wasn’t the only one to blame for Palin’s more than numerous ethical transgressions and personal embarrassments.  SP also hung the heavy burden of her own failure to not engage in scandalous activity on the dainty shoulders of “Hollywood starlets” who “rail against gun rights.” Palin was most likely referring to Ashley Judd who raised a stink when the knowledge arose that the governor had engaged in the inhumane act of aerial wolf hunting.  The ex-governor cited those with Judd-like characteristics as tools of “anti-hunting, anti-Second Amendment circuses from Hollywood.”  Ironically, if the governor had ever seen any Ashley Judd movie she’d know that 50 percent of them end with Ashley gunning down an ex-husband who wronged her.  She went on to justify her gun happy ways with the new motto for her line of fox jerky snacks, “We eat therefore, we hunt.”

Much to the equal delight and chagrin of her Alaskan constituents, Palin promised to continue “charting a new course to advance this state,” one that can most likely only be carried out only from the backrooms of Wasilla bars by an elite force of Snow Machine racers more powerful in scope than a thousand governors.

In closing, what a long strange trip its been for the people of the Alaska, the United States and this sprightly, yet offensively
conservative point guard from Wasilla.  We’re going to miss all of your antics and your gee whiz, you betcha attitude.  The Joe six-packs and plumbers showing their cracks are going to miss your down home style of politickin’ straight talk.

Sarah Palin you’ve served as a model of ineptitude the likes of which haven’t been seen since Dan Quayle helped out with an elementary school spelling bee. When kids see the former governor of Alaska, they’ll see a role model that says, when the going gets tough and you’re really not qualified to deal with it–step down. It’s been refreshing and nauseating all at the same

While we don’t think this is completely the end of the line for the Palin news cycle, we could all use a rest for a while.  Oh well, we hope to see Mrs. Palin on the Republican ticket in 2012, if just for the wealth of material she’ll provide.

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PETA’s Presidential Pet Peeve

Posted by evankessler on June 18, 2009

PETA, the organization best known for convincing beautiful women to pose naked for their cause, and for the civil practice of throwing red paint on people wearing fur (to symbolize blood), has taken up arms against a new oppressor of the Kingdom Animalia. The latest target of their wrath is President Barack “Quick Draw” Obama.

The leader of the free world was caught on tape impressively using his lightning fast reflexes to end the life of the pest, better known as the common housefly, whilst it buzzed around his being during an exclusive interview. Now the animal rights organization has their wings in a bit of a flap over the incident. As a result of the Commander-in-chief’s savage swattery, PETA has sent his Executive Highness a message in the form of a less-vicious device for ridding pests from President’s sphere of personal space– a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher. PETA spokesman, Bruce Friedrich, went on to to say that the organization is in favor of “compassion even for the most-curious, smallest and least-sympathetic animals,” in the hopes that the President might– from nowon–put flies into one of those categories. On the bright side, the new gift will allow for the creation of a  new White House Presidential Pest Control post that will entail whomever is appointed to follow Obama at all times with said fly catching instrument.

PETA followedup the giving of their less brutal bug basher with the announcement of their new “get cozy with bedbugs” initiative, which was accompanied by a photo of a nude Pam Anderson with her privates strategically covered by the mattress menaces.

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The Non-Sequitir News for 10/24/08

Posted by evankessler on October 24, 2008

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that the poll numbers in my particular district of Brooklyn are being unfairly skewed in favor of Presidential Candidate Barack Obama.  As I walked in front of the school on 7th Avenue and 1st street in the neighborhood yesterday, one fifth grader asked me who I planned on voting for.  I told him, Barack Obama.  One block later another child asked me the same question.  I notified said child that I had just told the other child a block before, to which he replied, “It doesn’t matter.”  I confusedly replied Obama and walked on feeling that in the end the numbers were going to be off a little bit due to my double poll response. I think the lesson here is if 5th graders are in charge of polling across this nation, look for things to be a lot closer than you think on election day.

Yesterday I received an N.R.A. belt buckle in the mail that I bought off of ebay.  For some reason I was not surprised that when I opened the package it smelled of cigarette smoke.

I bought two yards of fake fur at a fabric store in the garment district.  I then hunted down a bear and skinned him just to compare the two samples.

This has been the non-sequitir news for 10/24/08.

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The KKK Took My Newspaper Away

Posted by evankessler on October 16, 2008

This weekend in Ada, Oklahoma several subscribers to the Ada Evening News received their local gazette wrapped with newsletters from those lovely racists at the KKK.  Quite unsurprisingly the content of the infamous flier discusses how the hate group does not support Barack Obama for the position of President of the United States.

Now, of course I understand the issue of readers not wanting to receive the bigotry-fueled rants of hate mongers in their newspaper and I understand that the newspaper doesn’t want their paper afilliated with the Klan, but as long as the periodical can clear themselves of any wrongdoing, I find something inherently funny in the situation that occurred.

First let me state uniquivocally that I am no fan of racial intolerance, I think it’s society’s own version of the extremely rich, wicked great-great grandmother who makes you wait on her hand and foot and just won’t die, but you know  when she finally does will leave her fortune to the cat. In other words, nothing good ever comes from either of them.

The thing that makes me laugh about the situation is that the dolts at the KKK are wasting their money and presumably valuable time they could be using to spread hate in aol chat rooms or stroking their Nazi paraphernalia to spread the most obvious message they could.  “The Ku Klux Klan Does Not Endorse Barack Obama For President.”  As if any person in Ada, Oklahoma was wondering if the KKK would be throwing their support behind the black guy or the white guy.

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