Evan Kessler Dot Com

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Posts Tagged ‘babies’

File Under: Things I Don’t Ever Need To Know About

Posted by evankessler on August 9, 2008

The Yahoo! entertainment feed has a consistent habit of informing me of mind boggling non-stories that I would certainly file under “Things I don’t ever need to know about”. However, having seen their headlines, I have to admit my curiosity does get piqued from time to time. Today’s item of interest read:

“McConaughey to plant son’s placenta in orchard”

Now, I’m not sure what I’ll ever use this information for aside from this post, but now I have the indelible image of Matthew McConaughey holding a placenta in a field, etched on my brain, for no other reason than someone at the associated press chose it was worthy of reporting.

If I had any talent with photoshop I would use this photo of McConaughey…

And incorporate it with this photo of a placenta:

…so that you might have at least an idea of the picture that reading that simple headline burned on my brain, although I suppose you’re all creative enough to do that on your own.

Hey, does anyone know what Brad Pitt did with Angelina’s water when it broke? Is it in their fish tank? Did they bottle it as Angelina’s Baby Nectar and sell it to people magazine for charity? I hope a report surfaces soon on the topic because I’m dying to know.

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Pitt-Jolie Baby Photo Exclusive

Posted by evankessler on August 1, 2008

This just in…People magazine has ponied up a hefty sum of $14 Million for exclusive photos of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest contribution to society, but here at EvanKessler.com we just so happen to have the scoop on what the babies will look like………….


Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Odds are Pitt and Jolie’s twins will be tiny and cute and have slight distinguishing characteristics of their parents, though you won’t really be able to tell because those features will be so teensy weensy and would have barely begun to assert themselves in such a youthful state. Word has it they’ll also eventually poop and cry. Luckily, the money Pitt and Jolie received for first dibs at their kids is going to charity…otherwise the transaction in question may have been completely worthless.

Posted in Celebrity, Children, Exclusive | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

The Making of Gypsy Woman!

Posted by evankessler on April 9, 2007

A short work of cinematic art was made this Saturday by a determined team as Geniot Productions raced against time in Filmracing.com’s 12 hour film contest. However, before we get to that point in the chapter that is this weekend, there are other moments frozen in time from the previous day that must be thawed out so that we may tackle the tale in a chronological manner.

When I last left you on Thursday Evening I was preparing for a job interview that was to take place Friday Morning. Several days earlier I had applied for a position as a producer/writer at a startup Comedy Video website, so I had to engage in a solo brainstorming session with ideas for their existing shows as well as new potential projects. While my mind wandered to strange places part of my brain was focused on the activity of my Fantasy Baseball teams in their first week of play. Most of the ideas I came up with popped in my head as I waited to fall into slumber that evening as I was certainly a tad bit more relaxed laying in bed than I was trying to intently conjure up creativity by staring at baseball box scores.

I woke up relatively early on Friday morning in the hopes of getting some caffeine in me in the form of green tea after I showered but before running off to Myrtle Avenue in a distant section of Brooklyn for my 11:30am meeting. I left my apartment around 10:10am and went directly to the Atlantic-Pacific Station with my iPod in hand. The Friday iPodyssey began with Townes Van Zandt’s “To Live Is To Fly”. It took a couple of songs before I made it to the subway station and even 3 or 4 more before I realized the train I was waiting for, the mysterious M train wasn’t running at my stop and would not be until the afternoon. I had to improvise so I hopped the N to Canal and switched to the M there. After all was said and done it had taken me about an hour and an inordinate number of Elvis Costello “T” songs to make it to my destination with 10 minutes to spare.

When I got off the train I felt as though I was on a set for the movie Beat Street. The neighborhood was quite strange and as I walked under the train tracks I noticed that a large amount of the buildings were lined with graffiti. This was certainly not a familiar neighborhood. However, I was only about two blocks from the building where my interview was. I found it rather easily and had no questionable encounters along the way, so I suppose the neighborhood wasn’t all that bad. My first impression was worse than the actual reality of the situation.

Upon being welcomed into the office I was seated on a broken couch and continued to read my book while he who would be in charge of the interrogation finished up with the previous victim in another room. I had to wait a little bit but it was no bother since I was quite engrossed in my book. Several minutes later I was met by one of the company heads and taken to a studio where I was blindfolded and beaten mercilessly and by blindfolded and beaten mercilessly I really mean interviewed for the job. It was a pleasant enough atmosphere and a pretty easy going interview. I didn’t quite get a read on my chances but that’s okay. I shared some of my experiences and ideas with my fellow Newhouse grad for several minutes. I was told it would be several weeks before a decision was made and then pretty much went on my way.

On my way home I ran through several more Elvis Costello songs amongst the rest of my iPod mix. The trip home was much easier as I certainly was aware of the route I had to take in order to get back to my end of Brooklyn. However, I was seated across from several adolescents who were annoying the crap out of me as they flailed violently all over my car in jest with each other, completely ignoring anyone whose personal space they might invade. Luckily I was rid of them by the time I transferred at Canal St. I arrived home to the tune of Elvis Costello’s “Town Cryer” and removed my interview garb for more casual attire.

At around 5pm I headed into Manhattan for a happy hour meeting with friends at the Black Duck on 28th St and of course I took my iPod with me. I made it from “Town Cryer” to Death Cab’s “Transatlanticism”, but while I rode the train in I sat through four songs with “Train” in the titled including The Clash “Train In Vain” and Silver Jews “Trains Across The Sea”. The train section was followed by another Elvis Costello “T” song (“Tramp The Dirt Down”). When I arrived I saw Rich M, Lauren, Morwin, Dmitry and Nina. I think Pat S may have been there to. It had been a while since we hit up a happy hour, especially in this particular neighborhood where Ahmad, Rich, and Chirag used to live. We were soon joined by a bigger crew of people including Ahmad, Andy, Lina, Maya, Rob, Kishore, and not last or least proud parents John and Zerna K with their 5 month old Lea. This was the first time I had seen Lea since I’m a total bastard who has not made the effort to see them in Brooklyn. However, part of that equation is that I’m sort of petrified of other people’s children. I’m afraid I’m going to accidentally hurt them or even worse have to make cute sounds so they’ll smile. Lauren and Rich held the baby quite a bit and I did not volunteer my cradling services. I was quite taken with little Lea though I probably did not show it. I snapped a few good photos though.

Hot Potato with Baby Lea

Setting A Dangerous Precedent

While at Black Duck, Andy and I spoke briefly about the film race we’d be competing in the next day. It was mostly an equipment conversation. I don’t think we really wanted to think about it until we had to. After our happy hour outing, the majority of us went over to Chinese Mirch across the street for some dinner. I ordered some Hot Garlic Curry Chicken that wasn’t as hot as I had hoped. In any case, it was a nice all around evening with the happy hour -dinner combo. While I was at dinner I got a text message from Starling who was at Crocodile Lounge with Jess S, Deb M, and Kim R (visiting from LA). After dinner, I split from the group and hopped in a cab to meet them. I only stayed at Crocodile for 2 drinks or so but it was enough time to get some valuable catching up done. However, I knew I couldn’t get drunk because I didn’t want to be hungover for the film shoot the next day. I left the bar sometime around midnight and made it home in time to get plenty of sleep.

Myself and Jess S Catching Up At The Crocodile

I woke up 9:45am on Saturday morning ready to make a movie. Actually, I wasn’t ready right off the bat. I had to take a shower and get the crusties out of my eyes. I’m not exactly a morning person. It took me a while to gather of my electronic devices and prospective props and head on over to Andy’s house where I arrived at 10:45am with my iPod in hand. I had made it from Death Cab’s “Transatlanticism” to Nada Surf’s “Treehouse” before my battery ran out just before reaching Andy’s place.

Andy and I had an hour and fifteen minutes until we would receive an email from the folks at Filmracing.com alerting us to the topic of this year’s 12 hour film race. Once we got the topic we had to write, direct, edit, score and turn the film in by midnight. We already had a loose idea of what we wanted to do. All we had to do was wait to figure out how we would fit the topic into our preconceived idea.

When noon struck Andy got the email that alerted us that the theme was “A Fortune”. The email also told as that we’d need to incorporate an egg into our film as a prop. The first thought Andy and I seemed to have was “SHIT” how are we going to get this theme into our preconceived idea which hinged on the idea that the story would center around 2 roommates and at some point one roommate would send the other a youtube video for some reason. We had previously made a schedule of how long we wanted certain parts of the production to take and we had from Noon until 1:30 to write. There was a slight panic. We were afraid that we were forcing the Youtube part into the story and almost removed it altogether.

Several minutes after all but ruling it out, it was back in and we had managed to come up with a story. It involved a psychic roommate and tragic prediction and coffee. Our friends Morwin and Nina were our principle actors and performed beautifully. I also have to give it up to Andy for just being generally awesome with the camera, the editing, and just being really focused. I can’t forget Kayvalyn’s contribution either as she certainly had some excellent ideas and drew some excellent lipstick mirror art. At one point we asked to draw some weird cave drawing on the bathroom mirror and she got really into it and put lipstick in tribal design on her face. Good times. She was getting into a character she wasn’t even playing.

Everyone who worked on the film wasn’t on site. We had Ken S working on graphics and Ahmad, Ajay, and Rich M on music detail. Kayvalyn and I started making up a song about a gypsy woman and called Ahmad and Ajay and told them to make a 70’s rock version of the song we had made up and were screaming over the phone. They couldn’t really hear us but they made something remarkable, which happened to be exactly what we wanted. Everyone’s contribution couldn’t have been more perfect.

Andy finished editing the movie at about 11:15pm and we layed off onto miniDV. We were ready to rush the tape into the city where it had to be delivered before Midnight. Rich was there to drive us but he couldn’t remember where he had parked. After going up and down Sterling Place twice, Rich remembered he had parked on Underhill. Thankfully there was still plenty of time to spare. We made it to the dropoff point on 19th and 1st in Manhattan at 11:53pm, seven minutes before it was due. After that we went back to Brooklyn where Andy, Rich, and I had a drink at Bar Sepia and went our separate ways. Upon going home I sat and watched TV with Marty for a little and called it a night around 2:30am.

I woke up this morning at around 10:45am to meet Kate W, who was in from LA for Easter, for 12:30 Brunch at the Cornelia Street Cafe in the West Village. Once again, I wiped out the crust from my eyes, jumped in the shower, brushed my teeth, and took my iPod in to Manhattantown starting where I had left off with Nada Surf’s “Treehouse”. I arrived at the Restaurant at about 12:30 as the Mekons “Trouble Down South” was reaching it’s end. I shut off my iPod and waited a couple more minutes before Kate showed up. We got a seat rather easily since I suppose Easter sunday isn’t the most crowded city day. Most people were probably readying for their bigger family meal. It was an enjoyable brunch, we caught up on her life in LA and my previous day of filmmaking. We also told stories about the nurturing environment that was Lime Kiln Elementary. We talked long after the bill was paid. I think the waitresses wanted us to leave but we kept on. Eventually we left the Cafe and Kate and I said an abrupt goodbye as she caught a cab to where she parked, since she had to drive back to her Mother’s for Easter Dinner.

I high tailed it back to Brooklyn for some relaxation. I walked in the door to the very beginning of the White Stripes “Truth Doesn’t Make A Noise” before settling in on the couch to watch the end of the Met game as Marty set up for his Easter dinner in the same room. I was originally suppose to go to Lauren H’s for Easter dinner but I just couldn’t muster up enough energy to go to Williamsburg. Instead, I watched the Mets blow and 8th inning lead to the Braves as well as some show rationalizing how the the great flood could have actually occurred in the Noah’s Ark story. I thought the whole point of the bible is that it doesn’t need to be scientifically explained because science and god can’t coexist since “God makes no mistakes”.

Anyway, Noah’s ark aside, today was Easter. Easter is about Jesus and though we didn’t have anyone named Jesus come over our apartment we did have Jason, Deirdre, Del, Mackenzie, Myself, and Marty eating dinner and drinking wine in celebration of his resurrection or something like that. Maybe I was celebrating his non-resurrection. Whatever the case may be we had a nice dinner though the several of us seemed to be obsessed with dipping our fingers in the wax of burning candles (myself included). Everyone was in a jovial mood and there was much laughter as Christ would’ve wanted it. Christ would’ve also probably wanted me to get a job this week. Hopefully, I can make Christ proud. I’ve gotta sleep first though because Jesus Christ, it’s been a long weekend.

Oh, and before I forget…Film Screening this Thursday April 12 at the Anthology Film Archives from 9-11. Our film, Gypsy Woman! is going to be screened. Be there or you’re a total douche.

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Posted by evankessler on April 4, 2007

It’s been an eventful or uneventful couple of days depending on how you feel about the the act of upholding religious traditions. It was a rather quiet stay in the suburbs aside from the It was also a good time for familial arguments and misunderstandings. Though I suppose that sort of thing is commonplace when people return home and are confronted with the fact that they’ll be under the same roof with their parents once again, if only for a few days. There was a good reason for a get together though, since it was Passover and it was time to break matzah and celebrate being led out of Egypt. Dayenu!

Despite the apparent reason for my stay, the majority of my time at home was spent taking in baseball, as Sunday night when I arrived was the start of the baseball season…but you knew that since I talked about it on Sunday night/Monday morning.

I woke up Monday morning, around noon and partook in some Oatmeal so lovingly prepared by my mother, though I added some bananas, brown sugar and walnuts. The rest of my day was spent watching baseball, looking for work, and monitoring my Fantasy Baseball teams (all named Met Offensive). Aside from the maternal requests to wash the potatoes and help make charoset, the latter or which I enjoyed, I was pretty sloth-like throughout the day. Though I did manage to get in a Costner Post and get through 8 songs on the iPodyssey from Ryan Adams’ “Thank You Louise” to Aimee Mann’s “That’s When I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart”, which just so happened to be the 4000th song on the iPodyssey. At the rate I’m going this thing is coming to a close, which will be just fine with me because there are certain songs I’ve been dying to hear for months that I’ve already passed on my musical journey.

I also had the opportunity to participate in such Seder readiness games like “Clean the Silverware” and “Make Sure the Glasses Aren’t Streaky Even Though They Look Fine and No One Will Care Because The Light In The Dining Room is Out So No One Will Be Able To See The Aformentioned Streaks”. Once I finished those tasks it was back to baseball and the Met Offensive.

At around 4:45 pm I jumped in the shower with the planet’s strongest water pressure (this shower scoffs at the notion of low flow heads, emitting on average 200 gallons of water per second blasting your body clean into the tile at the back of the shower) in preparation for the Seder dinner. Our close family friends whom we usually share the holiday with were coming over though the lineup card was not exactly the same as the previous several years. This year myself, my mother, and Irwin (my brother is in Germany or somewhere foreign) were joined as usual by Rhona and Stuart and one of their three sons David. David was accompanied by his lovely wife Missy and their 19 month old daughter Alexandra who I had only seen when she was but a few months old and quite stationary.

When the doorbell rang, nay, was knocked on Rhona, Stuart, David, Missy, and Alexandra were all standing there. I didn’t expect to see Alexandra standing because I wasn’t aware that she was at the standing age. I’m not even sure what age kids are suppose to be able to stand at, but apparently it’s well before 19 months because she had the standing and walking thing down. Alexandra also had the staring thing down and for the first several minutes she did not avert her eyes from my direction. Now, I’m kind of a sell professed child hater, but when it’s your friend’s child you can’t help but be fascinated. I didn’t make googly eyes or obnoxious sounds at his child. I can never bring myself to do that but I did get a laugh out of the staring contest we were engaged in.

At one point Missy gave my mom a gift and said something along the lines of “since you don’t have any grandchildren here’s a gift”. I don’t think that’s exactly what she said but all of the sudden I thought to myself, “and not anytime soon” while at the same time I was kind of aware how much my mom was probably jealous of her friends who have grandkids, I am nowhere near the point where I can be making babies. I was extremely impressed though at little Alex as she didn’t cry or whine. Sure she asked for her mommy and daddy but that seeemed more because her vocabulary hadn’t been expanded beyond a certain extent yet, though later on in the night I was made aware that she knew numbers, snails, buses, and Dora The Explorer characters amongst other things.

The seder meal was the usual mockery of the Jewish religion as we only went through half of it. We got through all of the important parts: the ten plagues, the story of passover, two cups of wine, singing dayenu, eating Irwin’s homemade horseradish and my Charoset. We never made it to Elijah’s cup since the meal got in the way. I’m sure Elijah had enough wine that night anyway. If you went around to every seder in the world and drank a cup of wine you’d certainly be candidate for alcohol poisoning, prophet or not.

The meal itself was chock full of good eats. There was Matzo Ball Soup, brisket, chicken, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, vegetable kugel, roasted potatoes, and probably some other stuff that I was too full to partake in. The conversation was fun and Stuart told his usual gambling anecdotes about his trips to Foxwoods. I did steal away for periodic trips to check my fantasy team on my computer but I did so covertly under the guise of a trip to the bathroom. I am most certainly a sports dork.

After the meal I sat with David and Alex as they watched an episode of Dora The Explorer on demand. David told me of the horrors of having to watch the same episode sometimes 3 or 4 times in one morning nevermind how many times that meant watching that same episode in the span of a week. Nothing like learning through repetition. I’ll take Sesame Street over that Dora show anytime but then again, I’m not 19 months old anymore.

When the episode was over we headed back into the dining room for dessert. I enjoyed some chamomile tea and fancy macaroons unlike the ones that come in the jar from supermarket. They were much better than the ones I currently have in my apartment that I’ve been snacking. on. The party broke up at around 9:03, just in time to catch the beginning of 24. I contemplated doing a running diary of the show just then but I didn’t want to face constant questions from my mother as to what I might be doing. Also, I didn’ do one the previous week and might be giving up on them altogether since it seems a little silly to not do it one week and then do it the next. That being said, the show is getting more and more ridiculous and when the President was awakened from a coma to stop an uneccesary nuclear attack on a foreign country only to decide later on in the episode that he should go through with it, it seemed like the writers are trying to keep things interesting by making the events more and more ludicrous. My bullshit threshold has almost been surpassed. I mean this guy was dying an hour and a half ago, attached to tubes and all of the sudden he’s in the White House making decisions. I think they should have held him out at least two more hours of real time before he got dressed like the president again…but maybe that’s just me. After 24 ended I did some more Fantasy watching and finally went to sleep a little after 1am.

I woke up this morning (Tuesday) at 11:45am. I didn’t even try to keep kosher for passover and had some Oatmeal. I don’t think that confines to the laws of Judaism but I’m not really sure. McCann’s Irish Oats have most certainly not been blessed by a Rabbi or even a Rabbinical student. Oh well, I would’ve screwed it up later anyway with a slice of pizza or a sandwich or something. After breakfast, I was determined to finish another Costner post before I made my way back to Brooklyn. It was an important day as it was our 50th post in our mission to get Kevin Costner to visit, “If I Blog It They Will Come” and send in a photo of himself doing so.

My mom drove me to the bus stop in Suffern in time for the 3pm bus to the Port Authority. The bus came at 3pm with a sign that read “Port Jervis” but was broken. I got on and resumed my iPodyssey at song 4000, Aimee Mann’s “That’s When I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart” and I also resumed reading my book, Bill Bryson’s “A Short History of Nearly Everything”. It was just under 2 hours door to door as I arrived at around 4:45 to the tune of Pulp’s “This is Hardcore”. At around 6pm I reheated some Passover leftovers and watched TV. The Matzo Ball soup was as good as I remembered it.

At 8pm I had a meeting with Andy and the rest of the crew for the movie that we’re making for the 12 hour film festival this weekend. I headed over to Andy’s place with iPod in hand once again, listening to Pulp…The only people at the meeting were myself and Andy as Kayvalyn, Jason, Lauren, and Rich could not be present. Despite the minimal presence, I would certainly consider the meeting or brainstorming session very useful. I’m certainly looking forward to making some movie magic this weekend. You can look forward to viewing it once we’re done with it….if we indeed want to share it with you. I got home a little before 10pm with Kasey Chambers singing to me about “This Mountain”.

I sat down in the living room with Marty and watched the Mets as well as some Daily Show and Colbert. All in all, I’d say it was a pretty complete last couple of days. I’m damn tired and still full of the Jew food.

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