Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Posts Tagged ‘Arts’

Who’s Got What?

Posted by evankessler on December 25, 2010

I’ve been on a Beat Street kick the last few weeks. One of my favorite movies in my younger days, a recent view has spawned alternately much awe and laughter. However, I was looking for that “Strangers in a Strange World” song on the youtubes today when I stumbled upon a clip of another of the film’s cheesy 80’s ballads, entitled “You Got It.” After watching all 1:50 of the clip, I came to the conclusion that the ambiguity of the latter’s lyrics would be absolutely perfect for a STD prevention campaign. See for yourself:

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Evan Kessler: Amateur Graphic Designer

Posted by evankessler on December 9, 2010

Sometimes when an idea is living in your head you can’t help but have the need to render it a living, breathing thing. It’s that physical manifestation that makes it real–at least on paper. I’ve been batting around several creative ideas in my head the past few days that have brought about equal parts excitement and trepidation–ultimately deciding that one of them was in dire need of a logo. Rather than summon the assistance of my artistic friends, I chose to bring the vision out the way it was in my head, before anyone could get their greasy-yet-talented paws on it. Sure, someone will eventually have to revise it, as I used the crude downloadable tool known as “Paintbrush” to bring it to life. Luckily, the use of this primitive program didn’t fall prey to my shaky-handedness and came out about as good as it could have considering I was using the stone axe of the graphic design implements. I’m not going to go into details about the potential project now, as it’s a very tentative seedling implanted in the soil of my brain, but perhaps the water from my next shower will turn it into a sapling with strong roots. Plant-life metaphors aside, here’s the fruit of my branding and design labors. What do you think?

Posted in art, blogging, ideas | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Twain Shall Meet

Posted by evankessler on December 7, 2010

Mark Twain photo portrait.

Image via Wikipedia

I’ve been suffering from a severe arterial blockage of writerly aspirations lately; self-diagnosed–of course (not very reliable as far as diagnoses go).  Rather than self-medicate with holistic medicine or go under the knife, I went to see a man about a cure. His name was Mark Twain. He’d taken up residence at the Pierpont Morgan Library & Museum in Manhattan, a peculiar place of residence for an epidemiologist or whatever he was, but I’d heard whispers upon screams that this guy was the best in his field– so much so that they’d named a few prizes after him. Now I’m not one for trophies and accolades; me, I fancy results.

When I arrived for my walk-in analysis, I was charged $15 up front. This was a tad bit strange considering I hadn’t even been examined yet, but I offered up my health insurance card. Unfortunately, my subpar coverage failed to lessen the copay.

There was absolutely no wait –an impressive occurrence if you consider the current state of health care– or if you’ve happened upon an emergency room lately. Given that this particular purveyor of treatment came so highly-acclaimed, you’d expect the line to be out the door and the wait to be at least thirty-minutes.

The examination room was like none I’d ever seen. The bland colored walls were a sterile shade of gray, but in the place of doctorly credentials and tongue depressors, the room was adorned with samples of historic manuscripts trumpeting the greatness of accomplishments in this genius’s chosen field. to go with photographs and drawings attesting to this verbal healer’s worldly travels.

Clad in a white suite and sporting a comical-yet-somehow-debonair mustache, this Twain fellow displayed an astounding wit and appreciation for the situation at hand. I wasn’t sure he was who he purported to be at first, as many of the room’s scholarly decorations to which he laid claim were peppered with the moniker of some “Samuel Clemens” fellow, but he assured me he was on the level. His character certainly matched everything I had heard,  a man of considerable humor with an obvious social conscience– and gift for blending the two. I drank in what I determined to be a healing sort of wisdom as he told me about his past adventures.

When the question of eradication of my motor skill issue (affecting the transfer of the words in my brain to the physical and digital page) was raised, Mr. Twain mulled it over. He mumbled something about “learning to be good” and began to ponder it once more, seemingly backtracking from that first thought as though there were so many different ways to tackle the problem. This progression of deep evaluation and subsequent recommendation swayed back and forth like a pendulum of indecision, bringing forth a range of suggestions not the least of which was (but not limited to) putting your entire heart into the matter,  then swinging once again towards the consideration of certain discouraging obstacles one faces when trying hardest to do so. These obstacles included, but were not limited to, birthday parties, baseball games, and the sabbath.

Finally he shot me look as though he had finished the process of sizing up my creative bottleneck with a slight brainstorm of none-too-taxing mental gymnastics. His facile delivery denoted an obvious solution akin to a mathematical wizard  given an elementary school addition problem. “You’re good as you are,” he said. “You can write whatever you want to write. Don’t think so hard.”

I felt two encouraging pats on the back and a breeze as he disappeared from sight, only to leave behind a few samples of some of his more light-hearted fare (“Humorous Stories & Sketches,” “The Diary of Adam and Eve“). Mind you, he didn’t take occasion to sign them.

Posted in humor, writing | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

David Letterman Admits to Dirty Office Sex

Posted by evankessler on October 2, 2009

Unlike Primetime stars, late night TV hosts are rarely given sex symbol status; so it is odd when we are forced to think about them sexually. In the nearly 30 years that he’s been on the air, David Letterman has certainly made us laugh, but rarely has he given us cause to see him has other than the fearless nightly court jester with keen powers of observation and ridicule–until last night.

The American public was forced to see the gap-toothed funnyman in a new light, as a virile being on par with Bill Clinton or Antonio Sabato, Jr., when he announced to his viewing audience that someone had attempted to extort $2 million from him for certain improper relations with female staffers. In a lengthy soliloquy to his viewing audience,that can be best described as an awkward, Letterman revealed the details of the plot against him while admitting his sexual indiscretions as audience members laughed along to the seemingly unlaughable circumstances that go along with blackmail.  Rather than see his name dragged through the mud in tabloids the after hours mainstay vowed to protect his family by copping to certain accusations. Perhaps more importantly though, we now all have a picture in our mind of David Letterman having dirty office sex– and as unpleasant as it was it hasn’t gone away yet.

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Britney Spears Fan Swipes Chihuahua

Posted by evankessler on August 21, 2009

It was a hot, sweaty, steamy July night in the Magic City; the kind of night ripe for a description of a fictionalized account of a heinous crime.The crowd at Georgie’s Alibi, the Wilton Manners area of Miami’s premiere gay bar, was positively jumping. The throbbing music was making the crowd move, and the birthday party being held had the patrons giving off a positively radiant vibe.

Little Hudson Hayward Hemingway was looking good as he sat in his specialty bag scoping out the crowd, clad in his own soft pink coat accented by the pink earrings on his furry yet pointy four-month-old chihuahua ears and not barking at anyone.

Cher‘s “Believe” blasted through the speakers and Triple H’s 48-year old owner Brian Dortort shot a look over at his new best friend as if to say, “I believe in life after love as long as I have my adorable pup that I can dress up in a totally ridiculous manner.” Just like that the DJ switched it up and put on Britney Spears‘ latest hit “Radar.” All of the sudden the Britney Spears tattoo on the neck of an anonymous patron was activated. The tingle in his neck ink sent a message to his brain that the gayest thing in the room had to be his.

With cold precision, like Reggie Jackson on a mission to kill the Queen of England, said bar patron made for Hudson Hayward Hemingway and snatched him up, leaving under the cloak of blackness and beats that characterizes most Miami nights. It’s been nearly one month since H3 was snatched and while local police have continued the search with one suspect in mind, they’ve yet to bring in Dan Marino for questioning.

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NEVER Gonna Give You Up

Posted by evankessler on June 30, 2009

Rick Astley Live in Singapore

Image via Wikipedia

In the days following the death of Michael Jackson, Internet hoaxsters have tried their hand at convincing us that famous people are dropping like flies. First there were the Jeff Goldblum rumors, then they told us our beloved Harrison Ford and Britney Spears had gone the way of the dodo.

Being the astute followers of pop culture that we are and being hip to the fact that celebrities die in threes and not 4’s,5’s, 6’s, or 7’s, we quickly saw these stories for what they were, nothing but a bunch of hogwash. Nonetheless, these pranksters will stop at nothing until they finally persuade us that another one of our beloved elite entertainers is now standing in that spotlight in the sky. Their latest attempt comes at the expense of a singer who is so obviously immortal, based on his assertions that he is “NEVER gonna give you up” or “let you down.”  We’re talking about 80’s Brit-soul superstar, Rick Astley.

Early this morning the Internets had an outpouring of stories on Mister Astley, asserting that the singer had been found dead in his German hotel room at the age of forty-three. Our first reaction was, “Say it ain’t so.”  Our second, however, was to quietly sing the lyrics, “Together forever and never to part. Together forever with you.” It was these lyrics that gave us the resolve and strength to realize this story was indeed a crock. For when Rick Astley croons, “Together FOREVER,” he means it. OneRiot 1, Internet Hoaxsters 0.

Posted in music, OneRiot, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Last Hi-Ooooh!

Posted by evankessler on June 23, 2009

Ed McMahon at Red Square in Mandalay Bay.

Image via Wikipedia

Over the years, we like to think we had a very personal relationship with Johnny Carson’s longtime Tonight Show sidekick, Ed McMahon.  He sent us hundreds of letters telling us that we might have already won millions upon millions of dollars, and each time  we’d respond with a personal letter of thanks  to Ed along with an affixed sticker alerting him that we’d love a discounted subscription to Field & Stream.

Without fail, he would always write back with another opportunity to win even more money. While we never actually won those millions of dollars Ed tried to hook us up with, we feel like we really got to know the guy behind the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes.  So it was with a heavy heart this morning when we here at OneRiot walked to our mailbox only to find no letter from Ed.

We knew something was amiss and when we finally logged into our interweb connection, we saw why.  Eddie Mac had passed away and with him our champagne wishes and caviar dreams. We hoped the news wasn’t true, but alas this was no TV blooper or practical joke.

Ed was more than just a locked gateway to our wildest cash-fueled fantasies. So in our hour of sadness we reminisce about the career of one Ed McMahon. Ed wasn’t just JC’s four-eyed, joke-affirming sidekick. Ed was his own man.  Ed was a voice, a voice that cried out, “Heeeeere’s Jonny,” “Yes,” and “You are correct, sir.”  He was also a top talent scout, discovering such luminaries as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera in their early years and rating them on simple star scale that catapulted them to the celebrity status they own today.

Ed was a lover, a fighter and ultimately an esteemed announcer, and in honor of his passing we think it’s time to let out one last hearty “Hi-oooooh!” in the old man’s honor. There you have it Ed.  Rest in peace.

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SuBo Shows She’s Scot Talent

Posted by evankessler on June 16, 2009

Susan Boyle

Image by Bert Kommerij via Flickr

World, you can stop holding your collective breath now, for your favorite Briton with “talent” that isn’t a diverse dance squad is back in the spotlight. After a brief bout with the temporary form of insanity, otherwise known as exhaustion, that kept her off stage for two shows in Manchester, Susan Boyle, wowed an audience of 6,000 (apparently easily wowed) Scots by singing those two lame showtunes she sang on “Britain’s Got Talent” as part of the show’s tour.

The boisterous crowd of highlanders  delighted in SuBo’s (yes, they’re calling her SuBo now. Isn’t that creative?) renditions of “Memory” and “I Dreamed A Dream” with spontaneous applause –as if no one on the traveling tour of “Cats” or “Les Miserables,” respectively, had ever performed them any better.

Boyle’s future in the industry is burning bright, but will look even brighter once she learns a few more songs and does a hot collabo with T-Pain and Usher.

Posted in Celebrity, music, OneRiot, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Every Tony Awards Prop Has Its Thorn

Posted by evankessler on June 8, 2009

Every once in awhile amidst of a sea of opposing religious beliefs and practices, we are convinced that one true force rules the universe, a force known as karma.  It seems that when Bret Michaels began his run on Rock of Love nearly two years ago and began subsequently leveling the hopes and dreams of trashy women who fantasized about having an over-the-hill rocker boyfriend with a wig attached to a bandana for hair, he may have tossed that karma boomerang into the air.

Last night that projectile came humming back in Mr. Michaels general direction while the spotlight was on him and his blond weave.  The inexplicable Tony invitee was, for some reason, performing his  80’s smash hit “Nothing’ But A Good Time” with his bandmates in Poison when the hurt and pain of 1000 Rodeos, Ambres, and Daisies of love came smashing down on the hair band has been in the form of a stage set piece. It was, in a word, magical.  While we hope Mr. Michaels is okay so that he may resume telling us how his “awesome” harem of self-loathing girls with daddy issues make him so “turned on” on Rock of Love next season, we hope he’s learned that lady karma can be much more of a total bitch than that total bitch Lacey.



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