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Posts Tagged ‘Angelina Jolie’

The Evan Kessler None-On-One Interview: Part Deux

Posted by evankessler on February 2, 2011

Two and a half years ago I stumbled upon a most interesting interview with the American blogger and humorist Evan J. Kessler. The subject managed to be charming and caustic all at once, whilst maintaining an air of sophistication and good humor throughout our time together. It was one of the best, if not the best interview I’ve ever had the pleasure of conducting. Not only did it teach me to be on my toes in terms of unexpected aggression, but it also showed me that the span of one conversation could be so wrought with peaks and valleys that it enlightened my own study of the human character– proving that it is indeed possible to display delightful rapier wit and be a conceited, insufferable bore in simultaneous fashion. Having suffered the slings and arrows of less bipolar interviews as of late, I felt as though my interviewing talents had slipped. I decided to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak, to hone my craft as the world’s master inquisitor.

Evan Kessler was not an easy man to find this time around. He had forsaken the comfort of a cozy Brooklyn coffee shop for the distant shores of the Island of Cuervo Nation, a brutal dictatorship ruled with an iron fist by the promise of endless amounts of tequila and the mantra “what happens on the Island of Cuervo Nation…”

I had to grease the gears with that nation’s ambassador with the promise of body shots and a bag of limes just to locate Mr. Kessler; Nevermind what I had to do to get a visa.Finally, after a convoluted customs process where an official’s plant of a bottle of Patrón nearly got me deported, I was able to step foot on the white, sandy beaches and approach the front of the villa where I spied my interview subject.  The fond memories of our previous exchange came flooding back to me like the kick from an irate mule. While his bulging manliness and virility were not as apparent throughout the course of this interview, the subject did manage to make frequent references to his impressive sportscar collection.

EVANKESSLER.COM: You’d never believe what I had to go through to find where you were.

Evan Kessler: I’m sure it was well worth it. I have a Porsche.

EK.com: I can’t imagine it comes in handy all that often. This entire island is lacking in basic infrastructure. I don’t see any roads.

EK: Well, where we’re going we don’t need roads.

EK.com: Where are we going?

EK: If I had my druthers we wouldn’t be going anywhere and you’d be drowning in the ocean.

EK.com: I’m actually a very good swimmer.

EK: So are sharks.

I just don’t think we should rule out wolf semen as a viable option for the next biofuel frontier…”

EK.com: So what has Evan Kessler been up to for the past two and a half years?

EK: Well, Evan Kessler has been doing his part to make the world a better place, mostly with his global campaign to stop unnecessary ceiling fan mutilations. Far too often a tall person will be carrying someone on their shoulders and enter a room with a ceiling fan, resulting in severe lacerations and sometimes decapitation. We need to do our part to ensure that central air conditioning is present in every home throughout the world, or at least everyone has access to one of those plastic hand-held, battery-powered fans.

EK.com: But don’t children often cut up their tongues on those as well?

EK: We can’t afford to nitpick here. There’s a huge difference between children with cut up tongues and children and adults without heads. I’d like to think the importance of this issue is on par with the removal of landmines in Southeast Asia, but all of my attempted correspondence with Angelina Jolie seems to suggest otherwise. The  People Against Continued Fan In Ceiling Mutilations or PACFICM (pronounced Pacifism) will press on in our attempts to make this an issue at the next U.N. Security Council Meeting.

Ultimately, it was a question of face tattoo or no face tattoo?

EK.com: Moving on…

EK: I’ll move on when you find something more important than ceiling fan mutilations, which will most certainly be never.

EK.com: Your hair has been described by some as splendorous jewfro, curl heaven, and a stylist’s wet dream.

EK: First off, I implore you to keep your genitalia as far away as possible from my hair. I’m assuming that last “stylist’s wet dream” bit came from you; you can always tell where the perversion is coming from.  But I also gladly accept your praise upon my locks, couple all of those hair compliments with the fact that I own a Ferrari Testarossa and I become downright irresistible. I’ve been blessed by the hair god Peleos with the appropriate amount of curvature on each individual protein-laden strand and I couldn’t be more pleased. Still while the compliments you listed are wonderful in their own right they fail to encompass the greatness of that which rests atop my head and peaks out from under my skin in its attempt to take over other body parts.

“She was the most beautiful girl in the world. The fact that she was also a three-time National Laser Tag Champion was just gravy…

EK.com: Have you ever been in love?

EK: I’m not wearing any underwear right now, if that’s what you mean. Why don’t we go somewhere more comfortable, the pool sound alright?

At this point we took a brief stroll through the sand dunes into a lightly wooded area where a house with a pool appeared seemingly out of nowhere. We were seated and reassumed our interview position shortly thereafter.

EK.com: So have you ever been in love?

EK: Love is a four-letter word.

EK.com: Are you implying that the suggestion of finding love at this point in your life is a profane one?

EK: No, I’m merely pointing out that I have basic skills in both reading an mathematics that I sometimes use in concert to state the obvious. You have two legs, and most likely an asshole, but the two legs don’t characterize you as well as the asshole does. See, I’m doing it again.


I keep watching the trailer and for the life of me I still can’t figure out why or how the Smurfs would end up in New York City.

EK.com: Were you hugged enough as a child?

EK: Hugged, no. Lovingly caressed, most definitely.

EK.com: When you die, how would you like to be remembered?

EK: When I die in 2031 from a fatal re-entry into the planet Earth, the result of shuttle sabotage carried out by a rogue confederate space agent, I will most definitely be remembered by the vast library of priceless reality show moments from my hit QVC dating series “7 Minutes with Evan.” However, I’d like to be remembered as the inspiration for the aptly-named town King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.

“…I believe in evolution, but I also believe that God created sheep to distract farmers...

EK.com: Do you have royal lineage that you’ve yet to make us aware of?

EK: Well, I’m pretty sure I’m a few days away from being crowned the King of the Island of Cuervo Nation which I will then rename Prussia. So, I just want to let the kids out there know, there’s always a roundabout way to achieve your goals.

EK.com: That’s not exactly an inspiring thought.

EK: Fine, you want an inspirational soundbite. How’s this: “If at first you don’t achieve, make up your own rules and tell everyone you planned it that way all along.”

EK.com: I suppose that will convince someone to stay off drugs and succeed.

EK: Look, you want a role model go talk to one of the QBs in the Super Bowl. Me, I’m just a guy who watches the Super Bowl and roots for the team with the least amount of rapists.

EK.com: Well at least we know you’re on the right side of the law.

EK: Well, I wouldn’t say that. If you take a look at the mattresses in my house you’ll notice more than a few tags missing. That’s why I found my way to the Island of Cuervo Nation– always on the lam.  But life is good here, there’s free health care.

EK.com: Really, the Island of Cuervo Nation engages in socialized medicine.

EK: Well, there’s a first-aid kit behind every bar and plenty of tequila to sterilize wounds.

“You may say ‘liverwurst’, but I say ‘liverbest’...


EK.com: So do you see yourself going back to the United States anytime soon?

EK: Well that all depends on how things shake out. Me, I’m hoping to stay here for a while, meet a nice Cuervonese girl, get hitched during a traditional Island ceremony involving body shots and vomiting into the Caribbean (or whatever damned body of water this is) and have a few kick ass hot tub parties before moving back to the land of repression and honey.

EK.com: Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out.

EK:  I’ve got it figured out like a fat kid who loves cake hasn’t figured out he/she’s going to die of a coronary at a fairly young age. So, I guess I’ve got it figured out to a fairly high degree unless that kid’s parents are nutritionists and the he/she is just gorging on desserts to get back at them for some other form of mistreatment. In that case, I haven’t got a fucking clue.

EK.com: Right, well it’s been wonderful. I have to say it was fully worth tracking you down.

EK: I know.

EK.com: So, that’s it then?

EK: You’re the interviewer, it’s over when you’re out of questions.

EK.com: What do you think about Sa…

EK: No. I changed my mind. This interview’s over. I’m going to spend the rest of my day listening to satellite radio in my Lamborghini. I hope you find your way home either by plane or pine box, I’m outta here.


Posted in blogging, Celebrity, guerrilla interview, humor | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Racial Profiling Strikes Again

Posted by evankessler on August 17, 2009

me don, shah rukh don!

Image by grand.jeté via Flickr

Racial Profiling has been a longstanding tradition in the United States of America. If you’re brown and weren’t in the movie Slumdog Millionaire odds are someone in a position of authority thinks you’reeither a terrorist, a burglar hell bent on ransacking the homes of prominent Harvard Professors, or worse, a socialist Nazi who wants to turn us all into a helpless gaggle of able bodied citizens with guaranteed health care.  The African-American population could tell you some stories over a beer with the President if you’d like.

Tradition aside, it had seemed like the practice of profiling had died down over the past few weeks in the wake of some sort of controversial incident in Massachusetts of which we’re totally unaware of the specifics.  Leave it to the great state of New Jersey to bring back a grand ol’ tradition in style just in time for torrid news period that is the month of August. Over the weekend the vigilant officials at Newark Airport (i.e. The Center of the Universe) had their suspicions trained on one particular passenger.  Maybe it was the movie star good looks of Shah Rukh Khan that caught their eye, or his Muslim name, or the fact that he knew he had that certain something–that certain something that screams I’m either a really big star or I want to probably kill a lot of people, people who are currently asking for my autograph. Unfortunately for the Newark Airport officials, they would come to find out it was the former.
Shah Rukh Khan, one of the biggest actors in Bollywood currently on the road promoting a film about the racial profiling of Indian Muslims after 9/11, was ironically detained and questioned as part of a “secondary inspection” for over one hour by airport authorities  who subsequently found out that he was not planning on doing evil (unless his latest film ends up being a bomb).

The false detainment has caused a good level of embarrassment for the US and outrage from Indians, some of whom called for retaliation against the likes of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on their twitter accounts. Ambassador Timothy J. Roemer
attempted to appease those outraged by stating that Khan was a “global icon” and a “very welcome guest in the United States.” As a further goodwill gesture he offered the Indian government Carrot Top provided they lock him up and throw away the key.

Posted in current events, OneRiot | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Cambodia Day 13-14: Ankle Deep in Siem Reap

Posted by evankessler on January 7, 2009

It’s early afternoon on my final full day in the historic city of Siem Reap, Cambodia and instead of exploring scenic regions of the world previously unknown to me I’m sipping from a pineapple shake with an ailing foot/ankle, having minimal pressure exerted upon it.  Not the most admirable form of soft adventure, but it’ll have to do for now.  If I have any hope of enjoying my final 2 or 3 days in Southeast Asia.

I’m not sure what exactly brought on this massive helping of hurt, but it was probably aided by yesterday’s hectic temple touring schedule.  At 5am Andy, Jeff, Morwin and myself met our drivers Phearom and Jhom in the lobby of Popular Guesthouse for a sunrise rendezvous with Angkor Wat, one of the famed man-made wonders of the world and the Khmer people’s main source of national pride, not to mention it’s top tourist attraction.

We arrived at the temple, the sky still dense with stars.  I gazed upwards hoping to catch a glance at a shooting one to wish upon, but to no avail.  We were a little too early and still had plenty of time before the sun came up, but we weren’t the only ones as the tourist masses descended upon  and through the gates of the aged expanse. We stubbornly held a spot on the bridge leading up to the gates for quite a bit, falsely surmising that we would have the best view at sunrise, unfettered by the throngs of clueless foreigners.

A View From The Bridge @ Angkor Wat

A View From The Bridge @ Angkor Wat

After snapping a few shots in the slight dawn we came to a realization that perhaps we were the clueless foreigners.  There was probably a reason all of those people were positioning themselves inside. It would probably be better to have a photo of Angkor Wat at sunrise rather than the gate of Angkor Wat.

The lot of us soon shuffled inside amidst hundreds of other shrine visitors.  We repositioned ourselves several times before settling near the pond with the throngs of tourists.

Despite the sheer volume of onlookers in this main area I was surprised that we were each able to get clean looks at this truly awesome sight/site.  I like the fact that for the rest of my life I’ll be able to say I’ve seen the sun rise over Angkor Wat.  I don’t necessarily know what it means in the long run, but it certainly felt special to me.  That is certainly more than could be said for a few twenty-something British lads a few feet over from us, who rather than focusing on their remarkable surroundings were busy ruminating over the ability to self-fellate as a direct result of rib removal.

The Sun Also Rises At Angkor Wat

The Sun Also Rises At Angkor Wat

When the sun had fully risen a large number from the crowd exited the site and made for breakfast.  We, on the other hand took this as our cue to explore the ruins even further, unfettered by the congregation of families and fellow travelers.

The Empty Pool Pits of Angkor (Or Whatever They Are)

The Empty Pool Pits of Angkor (Or Whatever They Are)

The temple was an impressive monument indeed.  Several pool type structures marked the area where we first entered.  We bounded around the edges examining the surrounding contours and delved deeper inside the great structure, exploring towers and chambers, before reaching the principle sanctuary known as Bakan. This area was absolutely humongous, yet unfortunately roped off (perhaps wisely) to visitors due to restoration.

That's One Impressive Structure

That's One Impressive Structure

Another Stunning View

Another Stunning View

Angkor Wat or Canyon of The Crescent Moon (Alexandretta)?

Angkor Wat or Canyon of The Crescent Moon (Alexandretta)?

More Wonderful Angkor Wat Scenery

More Wonderful Angkor Wat Scenery

We wandered the outsides snapping photo after photo of the impressive construction work around the aged Kingdom including the Bas Relief, Churning of the Sea of Milk whose description had many typos.  All in all we were at the the site for about three hours before heading off to our next spot.

Churning of The Sea of Milk bas-relief

Churning of The Sea of Milk bas-relief


Typo or Perhaps Just A Misspelling

Who Parked This Horse Here?

Who Parked This Horse Here?

Phearom and Jhom brought us to a nearby restaurant for breakfast where I had some delicious pancakes with banana and pineapple.  I can’t seem to get enough fresh fruit in Southeast Asia.

On the way to our next stop we dropped by a roadside market/petrol stand.  They sell gasoline in 2 liter botttles of soda here in places that also serve as food stands amidst roosters and broken down wagons, with children running around.  It seems like every family makes a living here just selling the same things just outside their village.

Fill 'Er Up

Fill 'Er Up

The next stop on our temple tour de force was Pre Rup.  It sort of reminded me of Ta Keo in that it had three towers and required a little climbing, but it wasn’t nearly as steep.  It was as if Ta Keo was built just to show whomever built Pre Rup that they were a much more powerful king.  Then again it seems like 90% of the temples we’ve seen were built by the same guy, one Jayavarman VII.

Enter Pre Rup

Enter Pre Rup

Andy Hanging Out Atop Pre Rup

Andy Hanging Out Atop Pre Rup

From Pre Rup we took our tuk-tuks out to the countryside.  Phearom and Jhom brought us to Banteay Srei…which according to Lonely Planet is considered to be “The Jewel in Angkor’s Artistic Crown,” and if I do say so myself there were plenty of impressive design intricacies though I’m no architectural expert.  I did notice some numbered components on the side that were almost certainly marked for their piece in the restoration puzzle.

Banteay Srei a.k.a A Jewel of A Temple

Banteay Srei a.k.a A Jewel of A Temple

Now, Where Do These Go?

Now, Where Do These Go?

The temple tour monotony was broken by an utterly sobering trip to the Cambodian Landmine Museum, which featured tons of landmine specimens from Cambodia’s war-torn past; many of whose brothers and sisters are still occupying the country’s mine belt.

Land Mine Museum Sign...Obviously

Land Mine Museum Sign...Obviously

One thing that has struck me funny or maybe a little bit disturbing about the whole land mine thing is the tacky shirts many Cambodian vendors sell that read, “Danger! Landmines!” obviously aimed at tourists.  To me that’s like Jews selling shirts that say “Danger, Nazis!” or Africans selling shirts that say, “Danger Lots of Our People Have AIDS!” on a colorful shirt.  I hope proceeds from at least some of those shirts go to Land Mine victims.  All that aside, the museum was a very effective monument to a still relevant problem.  A relevant problem that Angelina Jolie enjoys tackling head on.  Good on her!

Once the Land Mine museum was a thing of the past, Phearom took Morwin and I on a shortcut through a small viillage to our next stop.  We saw plenty of children playing along the dirt road and the striking sight of a mother with a baby slung over her shoulder riding a bike.

Mom and Baby Bike Along The Road

Mom and Baby Bike Along The Road

We pulled up at what I think was Eastern Mebong Temple and non-chalantly wandered through.  The most impressive parts of the site were the four large elephant statues guarding the four corners.  That was a rather brief stay.  Afterwords we stopped for lunch, during which we tried to discuss our day three plans, but couldn’t since the child vendors were completely harassing us and I could barely pay any attention to Andy as he was trying to tell me what he wanted to do.

An Elephant Guards Eastern Mebong

An Elephant Guards East Mebong

Unsure of our next stop we pressed on via tuk-tuk to the Ta Som Temple.  It was here Andy, Jeff, Morwin, and I had a pow-wow of sorts to decide whether or not to hire our guides for a third consecutive day. Jeff was out for the flooded village.  Morwin was on the fence, Andy and I were in.  Andy pointed out the oddity we had parked ourselves for our itinerary discussion in a Thousand-year-old temple.  How often does that occur?

Ta Som Temple

Ta Som Temple

After reaching this conclusion we arrived back at the tuk-tuk where Jhom announced two more temples.  We were somewhat shocked seeing as we’d been up since 4:30am and thought this would be an early day.  It was already nearing 3pm.  The last two temples, despite being sites of worship, of which we had grown increasingly tired, were well worth it.  Beside the fact they were interesting, they helped me realize I had hit a wall and would be fine, perhaps better off if I didn’t go sightseeing the next day.

The Former Fountain At Preak Kean

The Former Fountain At Prasat Neak Pean

I began to waver from my initial decision about seeing the flooded forest the next day while staring at the beautiful former fountain at Prasat Neak Pean and reached a solid conclusion while roaming the glorious grounds at Preah Khan.

At Preah Khan

Our Final Stop on Temple Row Preah Khan

When we arrived home at around 4:30 we notified both Phearom and Jhom in two separate meetings that we would not be requiring their services the next day.  They both took it well and talked with us for a while after.  We asked Phearom to recommend a good place to grab a few beers.  He told us to go to Pub Street.  We had already been to Pub Street and didn’t really want to go some place that American, but rather preferred the Khmer nightlife experience.  He gave us the name of a bar near the Angkor Health Hotel and we insisted he come out to drink with us.  He politely declined and then said he’d have to clear it with his wife first, being the responsible family man he is.  So things looked doubtful.  The same invitation was extended to Jhom, to meet us at the bar at 9pm.  Jhom agreed.

From the Guesthouse Restaurant we decided to spend a few hours of leisure around the area.  I made a quick trip to the Internet Cafe with Jeff, returning to the room at 7pm and promptly falling asleep.  I awoke at 7:40pm, finally being roused from slumber after Morwin had apparently spent ten minutes knocking at the door.  I hastily left the room in a daze, not paying much attention to any of my actions, save for making sure my shoes were on my feet.  Our group of four met in the lobby and walked for ten minutes before deciding on a street restaurant for dinner.

Midway through the meal I became paranoid that I had left our door unlocked.   After dinner, despite being halfway to our bar destination we all walked back.  The door was locked and I had made us walk back for no reason.  Jeff took this opportunity of being back at the guesthouse to turn in.  Andy, Morwin and I continued on to meet at least one of our new Khmer friends at “Treykoun Sra Priel Beer,” the bar Phearom had so kindly recommended to us.

During the lengthy walk to our destination I started to feel an increasing amount of ankle pain, probably due to the fact that the ground was largely uneven.  My tendon strain from a couple of years back was acting up.  I fought through the beginning stages of pain and after taking one wrong turn and asking directions from two people, we finally arrived at the bar.

Alas, We've Reached Our Destination

Alas, We've Reached Our Destination

Upon arriving we glanced around the premises looking for one of our two friends.  We saw neither of them and were about to be seated when Phearom spotted us.  He was with his friends and yelled over to us.  We should’ve gone over to join him, but instead we took a seat and he split time between us and his friends.  It probably would’ve been a whole lot easier to just go over where he was, but we completely misread the situation.

Morwin and Andy Knocking One Back

Morwin and Andy Knocking One Back

A few minutes passed and we were enjoying a few beers.  Phearom had gone back to his friends, but he was soon back at our table with a rather worried look on his face.  He told us that Jhom was angry with him for bringing us to the bar.  Phearom was worried about his job being contracted out by the guesthouse and of further conflict with Jhom.  I thought I heard him say that he might have to fight him, but he might have meant they were arguing.  Though I sort of think it was the former.  It didn’t really make sense.

Jhom then called to speak to Andy, but Jhom hung up on him.  We told Phearom that we’d straighten things out and that this whole thing must be a misunderstanding though we weren’t really sure we understood.

The problem was either:

A) Jhom was upset that Phearom took us to or recommended a bar for Khmer people.


B) Jhom thought we would meet him at the Guesthouse at 9pm and go over with us and was mad at Phearom for taking us, which he did not do.

I sort of think it’s option A, but either way I felt bad for creating a rift in the #1 tuk-tuk duo in all of Cambodia.  They’re like the Riggs and Murtaugh of tuk-tuk drivers.  They showed us a great time around Siem Reap and I hope they settled their differences.  We walked home after a few beers and hoped to see Jhom so we could settle them.  Along the way we had many tuk-tuk drivers offering us rides to “sucky-sucky,” “boom-boom,” “lady” and “happy endings”, but by the time we made it back Jhom was gone and we went to bed having resolved nothing.

I woke up this morning excited to see Siem Reap without sightseeing.  We walked around for a bit, stumbled into a street market and into an internet cafe to book a room for our last two nights in Bangkok.  By that time I was hobbling around and had no recourse but to call it quits rather early.  Oh well, sipping pineapple shakes and people watching ain’t so bad.

Posted in Cambodia, Photography, Travel, vacation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

File Under: Things I Don’t Ever Need To Know About

Posted by evankessler on August 9, 2008

The Yahoo! entertainment feed has a consistent habit of informing me of mind boggling non-stories that I would certainly file under “Things I don’t ever need to know about”. However, having seen their headlines, I have to admit my curiosity does get piqued from time to time. Today’s item of interest read:

“McConaughey to plant son’s placenta in orchard”

Now, I’m not sure what I’ll ever use this information for aside from this post, but now I have the indelible image of Matthew McConaughey holding a placenta in a field, etched on my brain, for no other reason than someone at the associated press chose it was worthy of reporting.

If I had any talent with photoshop I would use this photo of McConaughey…

And incorporate it with this photo of a placenta:

…so that you might have at least an idea of the picture that reading that simple headline burned on my brain, although I suppose you’re all creative enough to do that on your own.

Hey, does anyone know what Brad Pitt did with Angelina’s water when it broke? Is it in their fish tank? Did they bottle it as Angelina’s Baby Nectar and sell it to people magazine for charity? I hope a report surfaces soon on the topic because I’m dying to know.

Posted in Celebrity, Children | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Pitt-Jolie Baby Photo Exclusive

Posted by evankessler on August 1, 2008

This just in…People magazine has ponied up a hefty sum of $14 Million for exclusive photos of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest contribution to society, but here at EvanKessler.com we just so happen to have the scoop on what the babies will look like………….


Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Odds are Pitt and Jolie’s twins will be tiny and cute and have slight distinguishing characteristics of their parents, though you won’t really be able to tell because those features will be so teensy weensy and would have barely begun to assert themselves in such a youthful state. Word has it they’ll also eventually poop and cry. Luckily, the money Pitt and Jolie received for first dibs at their kids is going to charity…otherwise the transaction in question may have been completely worthless.

Posted in Celebrity, Children, Exclusive | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Jesus’ Cousin

Posted by evankessler on March 26, 2008

In recent news, researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society wasted a shit ton of time, and most likely a shit ton of money researching the family trees of the current crop of presidential candidates to make sure they were definitely related to a bunch of celebrities and past presidents. When their findings were exposed in a shit ton of publications, it was revealed that if you went far back enough, John McCain, Hillary Clinton , and Barack Obama were related to some seriously famous and prestigious personages of historical and celebratical (that’s celebrity-related to the word police) importance. After pressing their heads together for nearly 36 months genealogical researchers were able to surmise that not only was Hillary Clinton related to Bill Clinton in some roundabout marriage related way, but she was also related to such bigwigs as Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Alanis Morrissette, Celine Dion, Camilla Parker-Bowles and Jack Kerouac. I wonder if she can sing the lyrics to “Ironic”, “My Heart Will Go On” and “La Isla Bonita” while reciting On The Road.

Now Mrs. Clinton wasn’t the only candidate with impressive lineage. Democratic almost-frontrunner Barack Obama seems to have statesmanship coursing through his veins. Not only does this guy have the potential to be the first black president, but he’s got some dead and even living white presidents cheering on his DNA as well. His distant cousins include President George W. Bush (natch) , George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison . Some of his other cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee. Though to be honest a lot of this dormant DNA could resurface and cause some serious self-loathing. I mean half of those guys hated black people. I think the fact that he’s related to Brad Pitt though will cancel out all of the hate and essentially lead to a Hillary/Obama -Jolie Relative/Pitt Relative democratic ticket.

While Obama and Clinton were both busy bringing their famous relatives to the big election dance, the best Republican Nominee John McCain could do was first lady Laura Bush. This is sure to hurt his chances when Novermber rolls around. I mean what kind of ammunition will McCain have when the critical debate question of “who is the most famous person you’re related to?” is unleashed. It’s sure to be a brutal embarassment.

With all of the ancestral admiration hanging in the balance, I thought it would be of great service if I went the same route as Hilary, Barack, and Mr. McCain and traced my ancestry back to some seriously famous people. As a result, I contacted the good folks of Ancestry.com and implored them to “wow me.” Luckily for myself and you the reader, they came up with some mind blowing results that are exclusive to all evankessler.com readers. Is everyone ready to find out the impressive lineage from which Evan Kessler has descended? I knew you would be…Let’s take a look.

Jesus- This one goes without saying…we’re both Jews…and we both love football

Haile Selassie- The Rastafari messiah himself. I suppose I could see that…though I totally don’t smoke weed, but everyone thinks I do. Maybe that’s where I get that.

Hallie Kate Eisenberg– This doesn’t really make sense since I totally hate Pepsi.

Robert Guillaume- I used to love the show Benson.

Eric Clapton- He’s only passed down the white guy genes, not the guitar playing ones.

Well, that does it for this trip down relative row. If you want to know who you’re related to that’s famous, I suggest running for president or starting your own website and asking Ancestry.com to trace your lineage. I’m sure you’ll come up with some fascinating stuff.

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