Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Posts Tagged ‘American Idol’

The Long Arm of YouTube

Posted by evankessler on January 28, 2010

The bandwidth taken up by the massive video oversharing outlet known as Youtube is littered with literally thousands of examples of “nontent” (a new word I made up meaning videos with absolutely no discernible use or enjoyable content).  While plenty of uploaders, like that Fred kid, should probably be arrested for continually posting ridiculous attempts at “entertainment,” there is currently no statute that outlaws being an annoying online presence.

There are plenty of other laws in place, however, that make other things illegal.  For instance, armed robbery is illegal, as is the smoking and possession marijuana in most US states– when not accompanied by a prescription. It’s true that one of those transgressions is more heinous than the other. Regardless, it’s probably not a great idea to post yourself engaging in either illegal act on Youtube.

For one Nebraska father the lure of Internet fame via the frequent production of such “nontent” was far too great though, leading him to ignore this heaping dose of common sense. Fourty-four-year-old David Johnson posted over 90 videos on the broadcast site, most of which contained him and his two sons engaging in reefer madness. Now not only has the very public offender been ripped of his 50 bongs, but he is also being charged with misdemeanor child abuse and possession of drug paraphernalia and marijuana. On top of that, his eldest son is also facing possession charges and his 17-year old tyke has been placed in foster care.

Way to go dad!  This tragic family tale of video-sharing gone wrong has given us cause to come up with a few other things you shouldn’t broadcast on youtube, lest the long arm of the law come and take you away.

Mattresses Tag Removal- There’s no more reviled crime in the furniture industry than taking a scissor to that hanging fabric warning.  Keep your tag tearing tendencies to yourself.  We hear there are no mattress labels in the big house.

File Sharing- The struggling Music Business is always looking for a way to diversify their profit intake.  Sometimes making millions off Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and American Idol winners just isn’t enough.  Don’t give them a reason to suspect you’re worth a lawsuit by broadcasting your individual digital downloading sins.

Jaywalking- Jaywalking is no joke.  Well, it is if you’re Jay Leno and that’s the name of a segment on your show.  On second thought, that’s not funny either.  Don’t post videos of yourself imitating Jay Leno segments on the Internet.

Theater Hopping- Thou shalt not post theater-hopping tutorials. You paid $20 including popcorn and soda to see Avatar and Avatar only. If you want to see Tooth Fairy, you’re going to have to pony up an additional $12 or so.

Posted in OneRiot | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Paula Rush Rushes From Idol Spotlight

Posted by evankessler on August 5, 2009

Paula Abdul at the 15th Screen Actors Guild Aw...

Image via Wikipedia

Fame is a fleeting and foul mistress. No one should know this better than our homegirl Paula Abdul. After all, the former Laker Girl enjoyed a meteoric rise to the top in the late 80’s and early 90’s with the help of  a less-than-stellar singing voice accompanied by sassy choreography, an Arsenio Hall cameo, a Cartoon Kat, and a video in which she totally got down and deep with Keanu Reeves.

Despite reaching the top of the pop charts Abdul all but disappeared from public view for the better part of seven years. When she finally emerged in 2002 as a judge on the brand new talent contest American Idol, like most viewers, we briefly wondered just what qualified Ms. Abdul to serve as the benevolent genie of pop star dreams. She quickly endeared herself to the viewing audience, however,  with her penchant for medicated antics and her willingness to put up a fight with her callous British co-star and that guy who always says, “dawg.”

Before we knew it we had welcomed her into our homes. She was that non-blood related lady we called “aunt,”  who always encouraged us to do our best no matter how untalented we were.  She showed us that there was always something sweet in the lemon juice of suckitude and we loved her for that.  Now after nine seasons of welcoming her into our home, Ms. Abdul has slammed the screen door shut right in our collective faces as she has announced that there will never be another Clarkson, Guarini, grey-haired guy, Aiken, Studdard, girl who couldn’t read, or Carrie Underwood touched by her magic wand of talent evaluation.

That’s right, Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol and no amount of money (except for possibly $2 million more a year) will bring her back.  Watching American Idol will never be the same…save for the lame talent singing cover versions of past hits without any semblance of feeling.  Paula, you will be missed.  Good luck on continuing your music career–or enjoy the scenery in whichever black hole you may fall into this time around.

Baby it seems those idol judges could never agree, some liked Clarkson, and some liked Guarini.  Simon was serious and Paula was nice. Randy was as cool as Vanilla Ice. Things in common, they didn’t have one, but when they hosted idol it was nothing but fun.

 

Posted in humor, OneRiot, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Lambert Saunters Out of the Closet

Posted by evankessler on June 9, 2009

Adam Lambert on Soundcheck

Image by kindofadraag via Flickr

In an earth shattering, universe threatening announcement, American Idol Runner-up and subsequent Clay Aiken combatant, Adam Lambert has declared that he is of the homosexual persuasion.  Lambert chose the controversial venue of conservative rock rag Rolling Stone magazine, to out himself and send shockwaves through legions of American Idol fans who obviously adored him for his tough jock image and steadfast refusal to flash jazz hands.  While Lambert is not the first Idol runner up to hurt the lord’s feelings.  It stings the big guy upstairs especially hard seeing as he’s literally throwing that “god created Adam” thing right in his face by not being interested in anyone named Eve.

Despite his current monstrous state of popularity, the newest member of the music community not to be trapped in the closet, doesn’t plan on using his powers of “persuasion” for the betterment of gay rights, telling Rolling Stone that he’s “a singer and not a civil rights leader.” Instead, he’ll focus on planting more seeds of hatred towards people of his ilk, by continuing to croon awfully annoying pop covers.

Posted in Celebrity, OneRiot, Pop Culture | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Extra Syllables

Posted by evankessler on January 17, 2007

I swore first on Sunday, during the 24 premiere that I would not watch the American Idol 2 hour premiere special tonight. After all of the ads during 24 the last 2 nights, I just kept saying “I hate that show so much”. I mean, I woke up at around 9:45am and took a shower because I needed to use the bathroom before our handyman came and fixed our bathroom ceiling and not once during my stint in the shower did I think…”I’m going to watch American Idol tonight”. I’ve always maintained that my best thinking is done in the shower. Not even after I got out of the shower and surfed the web for job openings did the fact that “American Idol” was premiering tonight cross my mind. When I walked out of my apartment at 11:55am to meet my friend Kate W for Lunch in Manhattan and resumed the iPodyssey to the tune of R.E.M’s “Leave” from the 1997 album New Adventures In Hi-Fi , Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, and Paula Abdul were the furthest people from my mind. Not even when I stood on the Subway Platform listening to Fountains of Wayne’s “Leave the Biker” and Luna’s “Leave the Planet” did I imagine awfully untalented, tone deaf people shouting the lyrics to Prince songs. That certainly didn’t pop in my head as R.E.M.’s “Leaving New York” played while I transfered from the Q to the B train.

I managed to have an extremely pleasant time walking around the village waiting for Kate W., chatting up the people in my old regular bodega, perusing the shelves at Bleecker St. Records and listening to the 10 minutes of white noise in Wilco’s “Less Than You Think” without so much as remembering that maybe this was the night that a new strain of American Idol fever was about to infect the American public. And it certainly was not on my radar during my pleasant one hour lunch with Kate W.

I’d have to say the first instance that I recognized the threat American Idol might have on my evening was when on my way home I walked past the Reel Movies or Reel Cinema video store on 5th Avenue and noticed that Mike Judge’s latest film Idiocracy was available for rental on DVD. At that point I thought, maybe I should rent it as Mick Jagger seductively howled “Let’s Spend The Night Together”. I deflected Mick’s advances towards the Idiocracy DVD (you know Mick, he goes after anything female.) and remembered that my roommates would most certainly be watching American Idol in the living room and that my DVD player was not working too well and that maybe I should hold off until a night where I could commandeer the living room DVD player. As soon as the threat of American Idol had arrived , it was gone.

I strode into my apartment after a fruitless excursion to the supermarket to the tune of “Life During Wartime”, which is the working title to a script I want to write about the life of a TV Talking Head. Following that, I sat down for about 30 minutes and finished the New York Times Crossword Puzzle for the 2nd day in a row. None of the puzzle clues alluded to American Idol.

Earlier in the day I had planned with my Friend Jessica A to go to a beer and cheese tasting at Bierkraft on 5th avenue at 7pm. It was to feature different Belgians Beers and American (not the style nor having to do with the Idol) Cheeses. However, when I arrived at 7pm I learned that the beer and cheese tasting was full and other plans would have to be made.

Jessica and I resolved to meet at Biscuit BBQ for some good eatins. My palate was focused on ribs and not American Idol. As we sat down, my roommate Marty, along with Jason, DD, Del, and Mackenzie walked into the same restaurant. They were celebrating DD’s birthday and not the premiere of a particular show on FOX. As I ate my ribs, they tasted plain. There was no smokiness, no bite, no soul…kind of like the performances on American Idol.

Jess and I left just after Marty had left and he waited outside. Marty and I arrived home to find our roommate Rob watching American Idol. Despite my previous objections and disinterest, I sat in front of the TV and watched.

THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF THOUGHTS I HAD WHILE WATCHING TONIGHT’S EPISODE OF AMERICAN IDOL.

Randy Jackson is mad rude yo

I sort of want to go rent Idiocracy

I think they should rename American Idol “Extra Syllables”

All the leaves are brow-ow-ow-oh-ow-own, and the sky is gre- e-e-e-ay.

Or “Americans Oversinging”

or “Singing Good Songs Minus Any Soul”

Jewel’s going to be the next American Idol

I like how Jewel is pretending like she’s actually thinking about her decision even though the person was obviously horrendous. “How do I not come off like a callous asshole like the people seated next to me? Must…keeep…clean…cut…image…intact…agent’s orders”.

I think she’s having sex with Simon

Is this a two night event?

I’m renting a movie tomorrow. I think I’m going to rent Idiocracy instead of watching this…it just seems to make sense.

Black people vs. White people on the next…and every Trading Spouses


This guy is great, He can jam and juggle… what song is this?

This show is really nice to 15 year olds it teaches them the value of soul crushing failure

This girl needs to get a life

These people are all plants

These are all fakes otherwise they wouldn’t be paying this much attention to these people with all of the backstory

The funny thing is that Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell haven’t done that much to warrant them being famous.

Ryan Seacrest should have a business card that reads Professional Douche.

This guy’s dad is pretty sure his son is gay.

He should be in an alt rock band or an alt abba band. This is going to be awful

Jewel has 2 or 3 hits,why is she judging people.

I bet 14 people sing Nirvana songs when they go to Seattle.

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG

Tuesday iPodyssey Favorites:
R.E.M. “Leave”, Fountains of Wayne “Leave The Biker”, Galaxie 500 “Leave The Planet”, Pearl Jam “Leavin’ Here”, R.E.M. “Leaving New York”, Bob Dylan “Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat”, Radiohead “Let Down”, The Beatles “Let It Be”, Idlewild “Let Me Sleep Next To The Mirror”, Clem Snide “Let’s Explode”, Bright Eyes “Let’s Not Shit Ourselves”, The Magnetic Fields “Let’s Pretend We’re Bunny Rabbits”, Al Green “Let’s Stay Together”, The Rolling Stones “Let’s Spend The Night Together”, New Pornographers “Letter from an Occupant”.


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

Makin’ Friends, The Myspace Way

Posted by evankessler on March 21, 2006

This is Heather. Heather is in my top 8. Heather is a leader. Notice her Evankessler.com Shirt.

The following entry consists of an ongoing correspondence between myself and Heather D.(not to be confused with Heather B from the original Real World season.) I first became aware of Heather through our postings on Adam Starling’s blog. I have become increasingly aware of Heather ever since and one day she decided to myspace friend request me. Since that day, we have enjoyed a string of emails consisting solely of enjoyable witty banter that I have found astronomically amusing This is that string. I hope you enjoy our back and forth wordplay but if you don’t you just may be a dullard. Heather also has her own blog that I find to be wonderful and stimulating. Anyway, I think this a really great email string so read it.

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 6, 2006 11:47 PM
Subject:
hello
Body:
Hello, to what do I owe the pleasure of this friend request? I always like to do a little getting to know you email before accepting a friend request. So, what’s going on?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Mar 7, 2006 10:03 AM
Subject:
RE: hello
Body:
Wow, I am impressed with your myspace integrity! You are not one of those myspace sluts, adding friends willy-nilly. Anyway, do you know who I am, remember, we both used to leave comments on Adam Starling’s blog, a long time ago (November ’05)? Plus I read your blog. Actually I just realized that I haven’t read your blog in a long time and then I went to read it and now I know that you are suspicious of me because I have so many shirtless friends. I don’t read your 24 entries though. Sorry. It’s only because I don’t watch 24. And sometimes I skim the really long paragraphs about people I don’t know.

Anyway, I joined myspace because I am home sick from work with a disgusting sinus infection and I got sucked into internet stalking my minor celebrity boyfriend Patrick Park (who is apparenlty all about myspace, which only makes me think a little bit about breaking up with him). Then once I started using myspace I was so dazzled by the glamour! Did you know all the beautiful people of LA use myspace? I read that in Vanity Fair.

What’s going on with you? Actually I already know from your blog. But don’t worry! You’ll get a job! I think you’re very witty.

Heather

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 7, 2006 10:38 AM
Subject:
RE: RE: hello
Body:
Hey Heather,
I was being selective but then I realized I could break a few rules when I recognized Starling’s bird icon in your friends list. It was at that moment I said, ah yes, Heather. I know who thou art. Let me just say it is a pleasure to make the acquaintance of your cyberspace alter ego which just so happens to be your regular ego.

In all fairness, I too was reluctant about Myspace membership and still remain so as I was a fan of the Friendster and don’t really understand why it has become “totally gay”. I don’t think Myspace possesses any superior qualities unless you count an overabundance of annoying people who like crappy music as a superiority quality. However, I’m fairly confident that you don’t find this to be superior quality. I can tell that much.

That being said, welcome and I hope you can handle the frequent posting of obnoxious surveys, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned. There’s plenty of that.

Oh and thank you for the compliments. I always tend to get embarrassed by them and not really comment on them, which is ironic being that I am an attention whore.

How are things up in the Buffalo?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 8, 2006 6:12
Subject:
RE: RE: RE: hello
Body:
I know, I am sad for friendster too, it is so much classier and gives me so much less of a headache than myspace. I do hate how people embed bad music in their profile so that it startles me while I am trying to look at all their horrible, blinking icons. For a while I had a myspace profile that I tried to make as obnoxious as possible, it was hot pink with a tiny turquoise font and a lot of animated dolphins and for my user picture, I cropped the head from one of those creepy dolls on the realdoll website. It was all plasticky looking. And then I forgot about it all for a few months, and when I logged back in I had HUNDREDS of messages from icky random men telling me I was hott. And that is the story of how I lost all respect for myspace. It’s too much like spring break.

Things are always thrilling here in Buffalo. We’re having a flood watch now since apparently all our snow is going to melt all at once tomorrow. I imagine you don’t have excitement like THAT in your fancy “New York City.”

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 9, 2006 3:12 PM
Subject:
hey, new subject
Body:
I enjoy your analogy likening Myspace to Spring Break. It is perhaps the most accurate depiction of anything I have ever heard or read for that matter. I only went halfway towards pimping or whoring out my profile by filling out one of those surveys. I also put a song up but I decided mine would not be abrasive and unpleasant. I was afraid that if I went all the way with making my profile the most ridiculous thing possible I would no doubt get an influx of dumbasses wanting to get 2gether and chill or sumthing yo. Your experiment seems to have proven that point. I salute you for being brave enough to attempt the Internet equivalent of base jumping.

Anyway, things in New York are not that thrilling though I have to believe they could be more thrilling than Buffalo. I don’t mean to demean Buffalo but I have a fair share of friends from there and one even went so far to name his indie record label “Kill Buffalo” due to his fondness for his childhood home. That being said, there may be infinitely more to do here without spending money though I’ve been on my fair share of aimless wanderings throughout the past few months and I’ve decided that the occasional money earning job could supplant that as a new favorite activity, though only temporarily. Just yesterday I strolled through central park, which is something I rarely do because I am not within the closest proximity to it. I prefer the confines of drug addled Washington Square Park. I enjoy wandering through and counting how many times I am offered drugs on any given day. I believe the highest count is 8. That record will fall in the summer.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 10, 2006 11:37 PM
Subject:
RE: hey, new subject
Body:
Oh please, your profile is barely even half a whore, it does not even have an animated fire background. But your survey is entertaining. You owned that survey, Evan Kessler. I’m not even going to do it because there’s no way I can compete. Besides, my profile is starting its slow decline as a result of my new three-pronged approach to myspace. The first prong involves disabling email alerts so that myspace cannot molest me in my everyday life. The second prong is to accept the advances of every semi-literate wannabe-gangsta in Buffalo who wants to be myspacesters with me. I haven’t really nailed down the third prong yet, but it’s either going to be to post huge, horrible blinking gifs in everyone’s comments, or to completely lose interest in myspace. Anyway, a result of the second prong is that when I add some guy whose general interests are “sex and jetskiing” I feel compelled to change my own interests to “sex and jetskiing.” Sex and jetskiing! Hott AND adventuresome!

You tell your friends that it’s not cool to insult Buffalo anymore, now the hip thing is to talk about Buffalo’s lively arts scene. Actually there are good things about Buffalo, such as how you can buy a beer for $1.50, and how if you go see a band on a Wednesday night, there will be approximately four other people there, which I guess is not always good depending on what kind of band it is, but is interesting in a “this band is playing for me personally” way. I feel like everything in NYC is always crowded. And I like to have a lot of personal space. And don’t judge Buffalo just because I am writing you a myspace message at 11:30 on Friday night. I had a date that needed to be shut down early. That could happen ANYWHERE!

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 10, 2006 11:46 PM
Subject:
AND ONE MORE THING
Body:
Also, I want to support your myspace whoring/unemployed state because I like your “who wants desert” shirt, because people totally do spell dessert wrong, but I don’t like the cap-sleeve shirt, can you make it be on a regular shirt? Maybe a yellow one. I know it is complex because cafepress only lets you have one of each thing, right. But you’re not busy, are you?

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 11, 2006 7:09 PM
Subject:
request granted
Body:
Your list of positive aspects of Buffalo life are duly noted. I can get behind any place where beer costs $1.50. I do know of such places in New York, though most of them consist of bikini clad bartenders who dance atop the bar to country music, sometimes they even set it on fire. Actually, who am I kidding, I love those places, though I don’t always enjoy the crowds they attract.

I also like your 3-pronged strategy, especially the second one. Imagine loving both sex and jetskiing. Talk about depth of character. For that you get to be in my Top 8. I’m currently debating accepting a friend request from a 19 year old girl in Utah named Chelsea. When I quizzed her as to why she wanted to be my myspacester she said it was due to the fact that she had several friends named Evan and only had good experiences, save for one of them.
She also likes curly hair, and while I can’t deny her reasons I’m not quite sure its enough. Though the fact that she just finished hair school may just push her over the top. I may defer this decision to you as a new valued member of my top 8.

I also have to say I quite enjoy the nature of our conversations. They are very well written and thought out. I feel smarter for even having them. To the outside observer it might appear as if we are reciting dialogue from an episode of Dawson’s Creek. Though I fear if we were ever to meet in person you’d have a hard time believing that these messages were not ghost written.

Oh, and one more thing…I’ve given you the option of the yellow who wants desert shirt or the white one. The only thing is that the one with the yellow has “www.evankessler.com” on the back. If you want me to remove said blatant advertisement it can be arranged. Or you can just get the white one. That one’s cheaper anyway. You were correct in assuming I had nothing to do, because I dealt with your request upon first receiving your previous message.

Alright, this is where I end the message. I may see Adam this evening and we may sing some Karaoke together. It will be an event. I hope you have an excellent Saturday evening. Talk to you soon.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 12, 2006 10:42
Subject:
RE: request granted
Body:
Wow, Evan Kessler’s Top 8! Is there a t-shirt for that? Anyway, in exchange for the coveted spot in your Top 8 I will endorse your website on my desert shirt. I stand behind evankessler.com.

Hey, are you talking about the Coyote Ugly bar? I love that movie.

I have discovered a new fascinating aspect of myspace, which is how you can interact with minor celebrities, such as Bob Guiney (ABC’s The Bachelor ..4). I imagine this is not exciting to you since you worked in the field of minor celebrities who love decades, but I find it endlessly amusing that Bob Guiney himself clicked the little box that approved my add request. I impacted Bob Guiney’s life! Let me know if you can think of any other good minor celebrities for me. It’s hard to think of ones who were famous enough to be exciting but are currently unfamous enough to be clinging to popularity via myspace.

I think you should add Chelsea, as long as she is hot. Plus, won’t she be insulted if you don’t add her now that you have corresponded with her? Maybe you should do what I do: approve everyone, then delete them later if they start being annoying and posting ten thousand bulletins about sex. I am a passive-aggressive myspace user.

I feel so pressured to keep up the wit now that you have invoked the Creek. I feel like I need a really snappy closing but I have nothing. Dawson would have something poignant. Damn the WB and their impossible standards…. good night!

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 12, 2006 11:11 PM
Subject:
Chelsea is not top 8 material
Body:
Thank you for your continued support. The Top 8 T-shirt is not a bad idea at all. I’ll give you a commission if I ever sell those.

Indeed I was referring to the Coyote Ugly bar though there are several of the sort in New York including The Patriot, The Hogpit, and Red Rocks West. My favorite of the genre was The Villiage Idiot because of the endless supply of free peanuts. I became somewhat of a regular there because of that and because it was decidedly less rowdy. Perhaps that’s why it went out of business two years ago. Oh how I miss it.

As far as the interacting with celebrities, how can you be so sure that it is actually Bob Guiney that is approving your myspace request? Surely he has his secretary keeping up his PR campaign while he is off camping or looking for a wife? Wait did he ever find a wife? I read an article in the New York times about all of the Real World/Road Rules members keeping in touch through myspace as well so you can totally befriend those folks. I only wish I had continued watching those shows so I’d no who to look for. I guess I can tune in sometime this week to see whom to befriend.

Actually, I did come across Mormon Julie from the Real World New Orleans. Though I found out she’s married and I think she’s back to being all into god after living out her fantasies of promiscuity in the Real World house and the subsequent college speaking tour. My friend hooked up with her on her Syracuse visit, so I’m well versed in her exploits, or at least one of them.

Furthermore, I will take your advice, it does seem kind of cruel to leave Chelsea hanging. She seems like she has honorable intentions. She likes curly hair and she graduated hair school so maybe I can get a free haircut out of it if I’m ever in Provo.

Also don’t feel pressure to keep your language on the level of Dawson’s Creek. In the end all of your emails might end up consisting of incessant fawning and whining over Katie Holmes’ character and where would we be then? She’s with Tom Cruise we’re going to have to get over it.

Alright, it’s getting late and I’ve got to approve chelsea and probably do some blogging. Have a good night and don’t do drugs.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 14, 2006 9:37 PM
Subject:
so many evans
Body:
Whoa, Chelsea is crazy! Why is she collecting Evans? That is the weirdest thing I ever saw. Actually I wish I had thought of that because it would add direction to my myspace experience. However, I no longer trust her expert opinion about your hair since I now suspect that she is just using you for your name. What a hussy. You do have nice hair though. I sort of want to touch it. I imagine you get that a lot.

Apparently we have a bar in Buffalo where women dance on the bar, but they are not professionals, instead, at some point during the night someone yells “LADIES ON THE BAR!” and then the classier portion of the clientele gets up on the bar and takes their shirts off. I have not actually been yet but it sounds like a good time. Other exciting things are coming up soon in Buffalo too, like the St. Patrick’s day parade, which is a giant spectacle of early afternoon drunkenness. Hopefully it will be more scandalous than the Buffalo Mardi Gras (during which I only saw one boob).

Do you really think Bob Guiney has someone else handling his myspace PR? He has posted several announcements recently about a concert he is in with Macy Gray and Greg Grunberg (isn’t that the smoothaise guy from Felicity? He is sadly not on myspace). But still, he can’t be that busy. Apparently he is currently married to Greenlee from All My Children. It was sad for Greenlee when her fiancee Ryan faked his own death when he found out she was pregnant because he was afraid that he would follow in his abusive father’s footsteps. Also I think Ryan’s psycho brother tried to poison her but then it turned out he had a brain tumor. I believe that all happened last spring when I was unemployed. So I am happy for her that she has Bob now.

I am watching American Idol right now and I don’t know why because it is the most useless show in the world, and Ryan Seacrest has a freakishly tiny head. But I bet all the old contestants are on myspace. Unfortunately the only one I can remember is Bo Bice and he is probably busy with his baby.

Well, anyways. Keep up the good work!

H

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 15, 2006 7:58 PM
Subject:
RE: so many evans
Body:
Hey Heather,
So now you see why I had reservations about Chelsea. I was awake and on myspace and 2am last night and she felt the need to send me a message to asking what I was up to. As if we might be cosmically doing the same exact thing and we’d be led to discover that just because I am in New York and she in Provo, we’re not so different after all. Indeed, I do get people longing to touch my locks and to be honest I’m used to it by now but I usually react in a confused manner seeing as I’ve never really had the urge to touch anyone else’s hair no matter how curly or straight. Before allowing Chelsea to cut it I’d have to see picture of other curly haired people she’s given cuts to. That being said, I don’t think there are any curly haired people in Provo seeing as Utah is severely lacking in their Jewish and African American populations.

Is the bar in Buffalo with the bar dancing called Buffalo Bill’s or Buffalo Bob’s? It seems to me like Buffalo would have an overabundance of bars with the name Buffalo Bob’s and/or Bill’s. I could be wrong though. Furthermore, I love how the Buffalo Bills cheerleaders are called the Buffalo Jills….Genius. I imagine the Buffalo Jills dancing on the bar at Buffalo Bill’s to Trace Adkins’ “Honkytonk Badonkadonk”. If you’ve never heard it, it may be the worst song ever. I hope that your St. Patrick’s day closely resembles that scene, not because I wish you the worst or anything, just because it sounds like a funny thing to encounter.

My St. Patty’s day will be spent away from the amateurs (or maybe not, you never know) in the confines of Webster Hall as I witness the first Silver Jews concert in New York City. Though I’m not above venturing out to a drinkathon afterwards. Maybe I will run into Bob Guiney and ask him if he answers his own myspace requests. I think being married to such a prestigious soap opera star must take up the majority of his time though. I imagine they must make the rounds on the public appearances at malls circuit. So many public appearances, so little time to check Myspace. Though if his wife is on myspace I could see them both sitting on the couch with their wireless internet connection comparing myspace accounts. That’s just what couples do.

Oh, also, is Bob Guiney headlining the concert with Macy Gray and Greg Grunberg? God knows Macy Gray has fallen pretty far from her perch. Is Greg Grunberg a solo singer in his time away from Alias? Does he write songs about working for the CIA and assisting Jennifer Garner? Does he also write songs about being jealous of Michael Vartan and Ben Affleck? That would be one hell of an album. I’m sure he’s got so much pain to share with us. It would be like Elliott Smith but by a guy who was on Alias and Felicity. I think Bob Guiney just sounds like Rob Thomas but has less street cred because he’s totally a reality hack. Grunberg at least has some chops as an artiste. He’s like a modern day Tom Waits because hey, they both act sometimes.

Meanwhile why didn’t American Idol ever do another movie after from “Justin to Kelly” with each of their final two contestants? Tell me you wouldn’t have paid $10 to go see “From Ruben to Clay”. That would have been the movie event of the decade. Clay falls in love with Ruben but Ruben sings Clay gospel songs about how the lord views gay people. Or “From Fantasia to whoever she beat”, Where whoever she beat has to teach Fantasia to read. These are solid movie plots. I might exhume this email as a blog topic as I feel it raises a valid issue. Is heterosexual love the only valid kind of love between American Idol Finalists?

Anyway, I’m all messaged out and my mind is racing with American Idol film ideas. I’m hoping for a commercially bankable final two, so I can pitch a script to the show producers. If you want to help with the script, just say the word. Talk to you soon.

-Evan

From: Heather
To: Evan
Mar 16, 2006 6:55 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject:
RE: RE: so many evans
Body:
Well, you did not inform me that Chelsea already had acquired so many Evans. I was picturing a cute innocent blonde Mormon girl, not some Evan-accumulating hussy hairdresser. I guess it just goes to show that you can’t pick your myspacesters’ myspacesters.

Actually, I can’t even think of any bars in Buffalo that are called “Buffalo [Anything]’s.” That is disappointing now that I think about it. I am sure that I will have ample opportunities to drown my disappointment in green beer though.

Oh, and I have now read more carefully Bob Guiney’s special event announcement, and it turns out that he was not performing with his usual band (“Fat Amy”), but instead was in some weird charity event band full of television’s biggest stars: ““An Evening with Ray Kennedy and Friends” will feature performances by Macy Gray, The Dave Mason Band, The Syn, California Transit Authority, the Los Angeles Guitar Quartet, Gia Ciambotti and Celebrity band 16:9 which consists of
some of television’s biggest stars: House’s Hugh Laurie, Alias and Felicity’s Greg Grunberg, Desperate Housewives’ James Denton, and our very own Bob Guiney on vocals.”

It was two days ago though, and in California. Damn! Also I think his wife is retired from All My Children. They must have killed off her character or something. So they probably spend all their time together and when Bob needs some special alone-time he comes to myspace to rejuvenate his spirits by interacting with his adoring fans.

Those are excellent American Idol movie ideas, I fully support their exploration in blog format. I am already impressed at your prolificness, if that were a word, so feel free to recycle. In fact you can just copy and paste paragraphs of your blog into your messages to me as long as you put in “So, Heather…” every few sentences. You know, to make it personal. My blog is languishing and all I ever did anyway was post pictures of my dog, so it is particularly sad that I can’t even keep that up. I think the problem is that the timing of my caffeine consumption is all wrong so that I peak around 2pm, and no one is there to benefit from it other than my super-bitchy coworkers. They are very girly and they only like to talk about shopping and shoes and how you can tell real Louis Vuitton from fake (apparently it has to do with the stitching). I frankly cannot think of anything more useless than a $600 purse. Particularly in BUFFALO.

One of my friends was just recommending the Silver Jews to me a couple days ago. Isn’t that a coincidence? Wow, even though you are in NYC, and I am in Buffalo, we are not so different after all!

Well, I have to go to my O.C. viewing now. I am in charge of picking up the falafels. It’s going to be an event. L8ter!

H

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 19, 2006 5:29 PM
Subject:
Sunday, Sunday
Body:
I hope you had a good OC viewing and St. Patrick’s Day. God knows (he knows because he sees all) mine was full of guzzling the green beer and vomiting in a crowd. And that was just the OC Viewing. I mean that kept me from enjoying St. Patrick’s day at all. I just went to the Silver Jews concert and home afterwards.

Indeed that Chelsea is an Evanaholic. A good portion of the Evans she has collected are shirtless as well. This casts a dark cloud over the future of Chelsea and my friendship. We’ll try to fight through it.

Anyway, I have a hard time believing there’s no Buffalo Bill or Buffalo Bob bars within the Greater Buffalo Metropolitan Area. I think we might have to seize this opportunity and open our own bar. Our window of time is very small as someone else is bound to realize in the next few days that such a bar does not exist and we’ll regret not taking advantage of this one moment in time. We can even have that all star TV band perform nightly because the most important thing is keeping all of that suckage isolated to one band and one bar in one city and if that city has to be Buffalo then so be it. It’s a sacrifice we’d be making to keep the rest of America safe.

So Heather, I’m not sure if I’m going to blog about the American Idol movie ideas, I think I might have to wait to see how this season pans out. However, I can promise you that if any of my ideas gets made into a movie we can put your dog Oscar into the film as the Idol winner’s lovable loyal dog. That way you can have new photos of him on set and with celebrities. That could be a new wrinkle in blogland. I have to say while I may be prolific, you have more pictures of dogs. Let’s face it people love dogs more than drunk Evans, well, except for Chelsea.

Oh, I also wanted to ask your permission for something, since I think these emails have been somewhat brilliant, I’m thinking about turning our entire conversation into a blog post, though I’m not sure if anyone will find our string of conversation quite as amusing as you or I do but what the hell I’m hurting for material and I haven’t done a guerrilla interview in months.

Also, of course having a $600 purse is practical. Where else would you keep your $400 sunglasses when they’re not on your face?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 19, 2006 10:24 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject:
RE: Sunday, Sunday
Body:
Don’t you think the myspace slogan should be “a place for whoring various things” instead of “a place for friends”? That’s the theme of my new profile image. Feel free to leave me a comment asking me if I got my awesome shirt at evankessler.com online store. It looks kind of weird because I had to reverse it in photoshop so that you can read it. I guess I’m not as symmetrical as I thought I was.

Anyway, my St Patrick’s day was super. Somehow I showed up at the bar with six dollars and ended up having seven shots of whiskey. I don’t know who kept buying them for us but I love those people. Oh, then at the height of my drunkeness I saw (1) a guy who works across the hall from me to whom I had never spoken before (I’m pretty sure I had a conversation with him about how I “fucking hate” the rest of our coworkers… they deserve it though, they are the ones who drive me to binge drinking in the first place) and (2) some guy I gave my number to a couple weeks ago at a bar and then told him I couldn’t go out with him because I had strep throat (totally true at the time!) (it was really because he was a weirdo on the phone, way too much info about his saltwater aquarium for a first conversation) and then never him called back again. By some stroke of luck, right then my friends friend started puking (she does not love the whiskey as much as I do) so I got to leave. Buffalo is so exciting. Then today I went to the parade and I saw some super-drunk girl almost get hit by a fire truck. She kept running out into the street to give high-fives to people in the parade. So that was great too.

You can blog our conversation as long as you make me seem funny. Like sometimes I have filler material that just takes up space so you might have to edit those parts.

Oh, bad news about the spread of Bob Guiney, apparently he is in multiple celebrity bands, and the soap opera one is playing in NYC tomorrow:

ABC is bringing the Soap Street Jam to New York City!
This time Bigger and Unplugged! Get up close and Personal with your favorite Soap Stars singing with the Bob Guiney Band!!
Some of the attendees will be:
From All My Children:
Jacob Young
Bobbie Eakes
Cady McClain
From One Life to Live:
Kerry Butler
Matt Metzger
Kathy Briar
From General Hospital:
Ignacio Serricchio
Scott Clifton
Plus:
Bob Guiney and the Bob Guiney Band playing along the stars!
Tickets are $55.00 in advance and $75. at the door(cash only at the door)

I don’t know who any of those soap opera stars are. But $55! Isn’t that a little pricey? Let me tell you, people are not going to pay that kind of money in Buffalo. I think we could only change about a $3 cover for people to get into Buffalo Billy-Bob’s on Bob Guiney night.

Anyway, I have to go update my blog with a picture I took of Irish setters in the parade. I wish I had a picture of the drunk girl almost getting hit by the fire truck but I was too busy eating fried dough to have the camera ready. The blog always comes in second.

HmD

Posted in Making Friends, Myspace | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »