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Archive for the ‘Valentine’s Day’ Category

Love Is In The Air: Evan Kessler’s In-Flight Pickup Lines Par Excellence

Posted by evankessler on February 12, 2009


I’m not a big fan of the Twitter, but this afternoon I strolled onto the popular micro-blogging site to attempt to draw traffic to some posts on other sites, when I noticed there was a contest being held by FunnyOrDie.com and Southwest Airlines.  The contest asked Twitter users to come up with their best in-flight pickup lines in honor of Valentine’s Day.  In a flash of about two minutes, I came up with three pretty solid ones.  And just before typing up this post I came up with the fourth.   If I don’t win this contest with one of the first three, there has got to be something wrong with the judges. So without any further ado, here they are:

#1: I see these seats go all the way back…how far do you go?

#2: My valentine’s day plans are up in the air. Good thing that’s where we are.

#3:: I don’t see any snakes on this plane, but I sure see a few foxes

#4: I believe I ordered the vegetarian meal. Are you she?

Ok, let me know what you think and feel free to add your own.


Posted in comedy, Exclusive, Travel, Valentine's Day | Tagged: | 3 Comments »

Your Heart’s A Muscle And That’s All

Posted by evankessler on February 15, 2008

Today was Valentine’s day and I decided to show my heart some appreciation. I thought about the Clem Snide song “Exercise” and didn’t ask it to perform anything beyond it’s usual scope like taking out the trash or falling in love, you know anything I wouldn’t ask my ankle to do either. It’s just a muscle and therefore can’t do any of those other things alone since they would require more interaction with the brain. I just asked my trusty old ticker to keep beating like it normally does on any other day of the year, though I did give it an extra hard workout at the gym that made me want to rest for awhile.

The songs that caught my attention the most throughout the day weren’t love songs, but I did love them. I thought about how entertaining 3rd Bass’s “Pop Goes The Weasel” is and how I’ll always have a fondness for Eef Barzelay’s lyrical wordplay as I listened to “The Water Song”…but I wasn’t filled with some desperate longing for chocolate or affection.

My heart was metaphorically set on going to see Step Up 2 The Streets tonight for a bad movie night with Jess S and Anna M. I wanted to write a review thatt read “Step down 2 tha sewerz and dance around in pee and crap for an hour and a half” for my To Be Blunt site, because it appealed to my funny bone. However, an unfortunate event occurred to one of my film companions that sent a feeling of sorrow to my brain, alerted my state of consciousness accordingly, and also led to the cancellation of our plans. Regardless, my heart continued to beat on through the evening as I met up with Arby, Jenny, Connie, and Robert to see Matt’s band Monocle dispense aural pleasure and reverse the “broken-hearted” feeling that had temporarily been clouding my conscious thought.

I allowed 24 ounces of alcohol to ease my nerves and maybe even contribute to the health of that throbbing muscle I call a heart…which thanks to my reluctance to put any stress on it on a day normally reserved for cardiac straing, had a pretty easy go of things.

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Not About Love

Posted by evankessler on February 15, 2007

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I hope you all enjoyed yourself today, but to me an unemployed malingerer, everyday is the 14th. Using that reasoning yesterday was the 14th as well so maybe I should catch you up on that.

Hmmm, well, my Tuesday was actually quite eventful as far as eventful unemployed days go. I met up with Andrew Morton for some lunch at a new diner on 5th avenue and 8th street. On my way to meet him I burned through several songs on the iPodyssey, starting at Johnny Cash’s “No Earthly Good” and stopping on Weezer’s “No One Else”. We had a nice lunch, I suppose. There was nothing too special about the diner. It wasn’t so bad though. There are certain rules to obey when one goes to a diner. Usually one is only allowed to get breakfast, appetizers, or basic sandwiches. One should never order any fish dish such as Halibut. The reason for this is that everyone knows not to order Halibut at a diner, so there’s no telling how old the Halibut they have been waiting to prepare has been waiting to be prepared. With that in mind, both Andrew and I made the diner-safe choice that is the Grilled Cheese Sandwich. I had mine with Cheddar and Turkey Bacon and I believe he had his with good ol’ American. Over lunch we chatted about Comedy, Woody Allen, Kevin Costner, Comedy Central’s programming mishaps, and several other subjects. We probably only sat there for an hour but in that time I was reminded to throw Catch-22, and the comedic Casino Royale into my netflix queue.

When we broke off after lunch I resumed my iPodyssey making it from Weezer’s “No One Else” to Townes Van Zandt’s “No Place To Fall” as I walked in through the door to my apartment.
As I sat down at my computer I remembered that it was Tuesday and on Tuesday’s in my neighborhood something very special happens. Bierkraft, perhaps the best store in all of Brooklyn, has cheese and beer tastings for about the first 20-30 Customers to show up at 6:30pm. I called Jess A, who lives in the neighborhood and asked if she wanted to go with me. Jess A and I have been friends since we did some TRF projects together back in Syracuse. Back then she always seemed to be discussing food and even now she’s always game to go to food events.

When 6:30 rolled around I stood outside waiting for Jess, who eventually showed up at 6:40 with her friends Stacy and Jen. We just barely got the last tickets to the tasting. Instead of this week’s tasting being beer and cheese it was switched to beer and beer infused chocolates in honor of el día de San Valentín. When 6:55 came around the folks at Bierkraft led us into a little room in the basement with about 20-30 chairs tightly packed in with a narrow aisle down the middle. The room reminded me of an interrogation room with way too many chairs or maybe a room in my hebrew school minus the wooden desks that were unfriendly to left handed students such as myself.

The guy who was in charge of the tasting session was the most super laid back person ever, as he just seemed to be sighing the entire presentation. I actually kind of enjoyed that aspect of his presentation. It was like he knew what he was talking about but he didn’t care enough to shove down your throat that he knew more than you. It wasn’t about his knowledge it was about what you thought of the beer and the chocolate. I didn’t have any questions he needed to answer, I wasn’t trying to become a know it all about beer and beer infused chocolate. I just wanted to taste good beer and taste good chocolate. There were 5 beers and 5 chocolates infused with the 5 types of beer. My favorite of the lot was the Abita Purple Haze pairing.

This whole event probably took us until a little after 8pm and when I emerged from the basement I was back in the store where I saw the comedian Eugene Mirman pouring over some culinary selections. Now, this is a very strange but not strange coincidence. I feel like every time I walk out of the house (which is admittedly not too much lately) I cross paths with this very funny gentleman. I’m never compelled to say anything because frankly, it might make things uncomfortable if I should continue to run into him regularly and also because he’s just a person who obviously lives in the neighborhood. We seem to just have similar strolling schedules, unless he just walks up and down 5th avenue to freak people out and make them say “I keep seeing that guy”.

After the chocolate tasting, Jess, Stacy, Jen, and I all went to Union Hall for a drink, but we ended up staying for 2 or 3 and some food. While we were there we were approached by resident Bocce pro Zeke, who I had met on Christmas Eve while Arby and I tried to improve our game. He kept coming over and making us listen to music that he wanted to play at a charity event. He wanted to know if it would make us dance. The girls kept replying it was too loungy with each song he played them. When I listened I thought, “people could probably dance to this”, but that just goes to show what I know. During our time at Union Hall I basically zoned out on the Bocce games being played as the girls I just kept complaining about someone who used to be their friend. I had no frame of reference to participate in the majority of their conversation and I was tired to begin with. I ate my chili and stared blankly at the nearby court. At around 1opm I made my way back to my apartment where the night came to an end after some Daily Show and Colbert Report viewing.

I woke up this morning, fully cognizant of the fact that it was Valentine’s Day, not because I had any responsibilities toward anyone of the female persuasion, but merely because I had to make sure that I put up my Valentine’s Day Costner Post. Once that got done it was pretty much clear sailing. The only thing on my to do list was to go to the Supermarket and get some goods, so I put on the ol’ iPod to resume my iPodyssey while shopping. I made it from Townes Van Zandt’s “No Place To Fall” to Ben Lee’s “No Room To Bleed” between leaving for Key Food and returning to my aparment. The latter of the songs was the 2nd in a Ben Lee tw0-fer with “No Right Angles”. On another note, while at the Key Food I ran into Pat T, a former VH1 producer who is also currently enjoying being in the throes of unemployment. Running into people at the supermarket really makes you feel suburban.

I eschewed the idea of putting away my iPod when I got home and decided that I would continue my iPodyssey while making a sandwich and reading the New York Times in preparation of a possible Valentine’s Day Pub Quiz. Alas, the Pub Quiz plan fell apart but the Dead Parrots will be back at it on February 28th unless something annoying comes up. The reading and eating outing took me from Ben Lee’s “No Room To Bleed” to Whiskeytown’s “Not Home Anymore”.

When I returned to my room I noticed a Myspace message from Jess S. wishing me a Happy Valentine’s day. That made me feel good but what didn’t make me feel good was the vexing quandary that filled my brain afterwards. Whenever someone sends me a message with a nice sentiment, I often feel pressured that I have to return the exact sentiment. In doing so, I fear that the sentiment I convey will come off only as reactionary instead of being pure, as if it were only been done just because it was done to me. In most cases, I elect to not return the sentiment, but if I do decide to return said sentiment I usually do it in a way that lacks any affection so as to shy away from appearing sentimental. This is what certain people would call a defense mechanism.

That was probably the most thought provoking portion of my day. The rest of the day was spent whiling away the hours on the Internet until I decided to cook myself dinner. Dinner took me from “Not Home Anymore” to the opening bars of Sinead O’Connor singing “Nothing Compares 2 U”. I didn’t want to get into the song because I would rather be walking down the street tomorrow in the cold than washing dishes to that song. “Nothing Compares 2U is just one of those songs you have to be able to fully enjoy when you’re listening to it. You don’t want to hear it as background music while the sink runs in the foreground and you can just barely make out the words, thereby releasing any emotional weight the song might carry. So, I think I did the right thing by stopping it there. It would’ve gone well though if this was a sad Valentine’s Day, but to be honest, it just felt like a regular day to me. Maybe that’s because I didn’t get out much or I didn’t watch too much TV and missed the onslaught of Kay Jewelers commercials, but that was just fine with me. Valentine’s Day? Whatever.

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Well, My Mom Sent Me A Valentine

Posted by evankessler on February 16, 2006

Actually, she didn’t send me a Valentine, she actually covertly stuffed a box of chocolate covered pretzels in my carry on bag before we left Florida. So if you were a betting man or woman and had to bet on whether or not my Valentine’s Day was eventful on the Romance front, you’d best be placing your money on the fact that it was not. Don’t cry for me though because I didn’t cry. I kept myself busy. In the afternoon I had a meeting about writing a treatment for a show that the production company that isn’t paying me is trying to pitch. I would say that meeting went rather well though and I actually began to write the treatment in a mini-notepad as I walked home. It still needs some work though.

The rest of my Valentines Day afternoon was spent downloading albums on itunes. I think I downloaded a total of 4. I was going to buy them at tower records but the Itunes total came to about one-third of what the in store total would have been. Not that I am completely converted to buying albums online, I still like owning compact discs if only they could find a way to make owning the physical entity a tad bit cheaper. I put this task to you Music Industry. Now get to it! Anyway, my itunes is much richer in music now with albums by Death Cab for Cutie, Ryan Adams, Beth Orton, and Wilco. There is nothing better then getting new music, and I almost overdosed on my need to compile more and more sonic fulfillment but held back on buying a Bright Eyes album and Townes Van Zandt album. It’s so easy when it’s all at your fingertips. I could even be downloading them while I’m typing this. Technology is a blessing but it tends to put a greater strain on one’s wallet by making spending so convenient.

The evening of Valentine’s Day was not spent watching the salt water from my eyes drip into a pint of lager. Quite the contrary, it was a night to party with other single people and enjoy several alcoholic beverages with friends. Betsy Van Stone and Noelle Stehman threw a party for their single friends at a bar called The Black Door on W. 26th Street that began at 7pm. I arrived fashionably late at 7:30pm and spent the majority of my evening conversing with Betsy, Noelle, Brandi, Anna, Jess S, Adam Starling, Pete D and my roommate Matt Wood. I regrettably did not make any love connections to make Chuck Woollery or even Roger Lodge proud for that matter. I did however eat plenty of Candy hearts and drink my fill of $6 budweisers. The bartender had some sort of ESP because he seemed to instinctually know what everyone at the bar was about to order. He was tipped well because there was nary a moment when I actually had to even speak the words to order my drink. He took one look at me and a Budweiser appeared. It was magic. The night came to an end near 1AM I think. Maybe it was earlier. I really have no idea but I knew I had to call it a night at a reasonable hour because I did not want to oversleep my job interview I had the next morning.

This morning I woke up at around 7am nearly 2 hours before my alarm was to go off to nurse the slightest hangover. You know the kind where you feel a slight headache but know that if you don’t do something to nip it in the bud the end result could be much more painful. When I reawoke at 9am I was slightly panicked about my job interview. I knew it was for a production gig but I was really unsure what the vibe of the interview was going to be. Should I dress professionally and wear a suit? Should I wear something casual yet not so casual that I appeared to be my normal slobbish self. I heard my mother’s voice reverberating in my brain shouting, “Wear a suit…you’re going on an interview!” and then I heard Matt Wood’s voice saying, “dude don’t wear a suit for a production interview. You don’t want them to think you’re too square.” I took the advice of the latter, but before I did I called Kari McGee who got me the interview. She advised me that the latter was the better option.

I rolled up to a large, daunting office building on E.42nd St. and Lexington Avenue at around 11:15am but I felt like I was a little too early for my 11:30 interview so I read my book for 5 minutes outside and then headed upstairs to the 13th floor of the building. I’m not sure but this may be the only building in the world willing to admit that it has a 13th floor undeterred by superstition. Damn the naysayers. To be honest I like a company with the balls to be located on the 13th floor. Who do all of those other buildings think they’re fooling? If a building has a 12th and a 14th floor but no 13th floor that building is just living a lie. Rest assured if anything bad ever happens on the 14th floor of a building with no 13 the superstition of unlucky 13 is probably brought up. People would probably say, “well it may say 14, but it’s the 13th floor, that’s why all of those nuns caught on fire.” Wow, I don’t know where I just veered but it was in a completely different direction. Anyway, I had one of those interviews where you have no idea whether it went well or not. The interviewer talked a lot and I listened and I was genuinely interested and the job sounded like something I would excel at I just got absolutely no read on how it was going and then just like that it was over and I was back outside walking towards the subway. Cross your fingers and wish me luck. I’ll know the outcome by next Friday but until then the job hunt remains open ended.

A potential crisis occurred on the way back downtown. As I descended the stairs to the Downtown F train at the Bryant Park station I reached into my pocket to check my phone for the time. Upon removing my lifeline to the outside world form my jacket I fumbled with the device ultimately sending it floating in slow motion down to the subway platform some 10 or so feet below as I dramatically shouted “Noooooooooooooo!” The phone bounced once placing it a mere 8 inches from the edge of the subway platform. I ran down to recover my phone before some distrustful undesirable came to covet my valuable material yet practical possession. When I retrieved it the back cover was a bit banged up but it seemed to work just fine. I breathed a sigh of relief and all was good with the world. Such is my dependence on technology. Without my cellular phone my balls would really be in a vice grip. Luckily that was the only drama that would confront me the rest of my day. Tomorrow brings with it a possible lunch activity and another career counseling session, but will it be interesting enough to write about? Stay tuned.

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