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Bret Michaels’ Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Posted by evankessler on December 28, 2010

Bret Michaels has now overtaken Confucius as the chief bearer of fortune cookie wisdom as evidenced by this sagacious tidbit I received with my chicken in garlic sauce and wonton soup on Christmas Day:

If my next fortune reads “The wind is for riding” or “Unskinny bop” I may stop ordering Chinese food altogether.


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Portman Announcement Hits Reshuffle Button on Delusional Male Fantasies

Posted by evankessler on December 27, 2010

The hopes and dreams of millions of men who harbored the delusion that one day they might have a shot at love with the decidedly un-Tila Tequila-esque Natalie Portman, took a major hit this morning when it was announced that the soon-to-be Oscar-nominated actress is both engaged and pregnant (no word on whether she’s currently barefoot). The Professional actress has long been the celebrity object of affection for a large portion of the male population who always took the fact that her relationship status was never in the public eye, as a sign that she was single and just waiting for the right normal guy to come along. The news comes at an especially difficult time, as Ms. Portman’s most recent performance in Darren Aronofsky‘s psychosexual thriller, Black Swan, seemed to suggest that she might be willing to partake in another vaunted male fantasy, having a threesome with another girl–say Mila Kunis.

With that no longer being the case, a cold winter’s day has just gotten a little colder, as an international day of male mourning has been unofficially declared. It’s been an especially tough year for the unrealistic male sexual fantasy as Megan Fox, Kristen Bell, and now Natalie Portman are officially off the market. The spate of soul crushing weddings (to Brian Austin Green and Dax Shephard, no less) and engagements has sent many a man back into his cave to reshuffle his female celebrity wishlist for 2011 and beyond. The list, which is expected to resemble Maxim’s Hot 100 minus all of the married people with babies, should go something like this (not all 100, just 10):

10. Miss Yvonne- With the re-emergence of Pee Wee’s Playhouse on Broadway this year, our love for “The Most Beautiful Woman in all of Puppetland” was re-kindled. Now we just have to wait for Cowboy Curtis to grow tired of her.

9. Elisha Cuthbert- This 24 and The Girl Next Door star doesn’t seem quite as relevant right now, but that doesn’t mean she’s not involved in lots of daydreams that don’t involve being stuck on a hill with a Puma. Downside, she only dates hockey players. Upside, you’re local semipro league team has a few open slots whether you can skate or not.

8. Rachel BilsonThis former star of the O.C. disappeared from many male fantasy lists after her engagement to Hayden Christensen. That whole thing isn’t going on anymore, so that’s good. Now she just has to be in another movie or TV show so we could remember what she looks like.

7. Eva Mendes- She kinda just seems cool. Am I wrong for thinking that? We would totally get along.

6. Alison BrieOne of the stars of NBC’s pitch-perfect NBC comedy,
“Community,”Alison has comedic chops and is kind of adorable She effectively taps into the “hey this could totally happen” portion of our brain. Also, for people who liked Portman because they could take her home to their Jewish mom, you won’t have to convince Ms. Brie to convert.

5. Olivia Wilde– I didn’t see that new Tron movie on account that I knew it would suck, but I thought about it after seeing Olivia Wilde in the trailer. Good thing I can always watch her for free on that House, M.D. show. You know, the show where the British guy with the good fake American accent improbably saves the patient with a mysterious ailment by breaking all the rules. Also, bonus points for Olivia for changing her last name from the ferociously unattractive Cockburn.

4. Jennifer Aniston- One of the most famous people in the world at one point; she is quietly hoping that “love happens” to her, making this a totally fathomable possibility. Nothing goes as long a way towards turning fantasy into reality like desperation over a ticking biological clock .  This is totally the part where you swoop in. Caution: She wants babies now, but you could probably string her along until you’re ready.

3.  Jocelyn Wildenstein- She may be totally freaky looking, but at least she gives out Snickers on Halloween.

2. Emma Watson– We all felt like kiddie porn-ogling perverts when we first found this Harry Potter star to be gaining in attractiveness. Then we realized she’s actually of age. Phew.

1. Scarlett Johansson– I’ve never been the biggest Scarlet Johansson booster. I mean an album of Tom Waits covers? If that doesn’t scream pretension then I don’t know what does. I just feel like your musical debut should at least have some of your own songs. But this isn’t totally about me, it’s about men everywhere harboring delusions, and now that she’s back on the market, she’s going to need some comforting. Gentlemen, start your imaginations!

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Who’s Got What?

Posted by evankessler on December 25, 2010

I’ve been on a Beat Street kick the last few weeks. One of my favorite movies in my younger days, a recent view has spawned alternately much awe and laughter. However, I was looking for that “Strangers in a Strange World” song on the youtubes today when I stumbled upon a clip of another of the film’s cheesy 80’s ballads, entitled “You Got It.” After watching all 1:50 of the clip, I came to the conclusion that the ambiguity of the latter’s lyrics would be absolutely perfect for a STD prevention campaign. See for yourself:

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Posted by evankessler on November 17, 2010

There are certain situations that cause adults to revert to childlike behavior. The most obvious of these conditional influencers is the act of spending time with one’s family. The process of maturation is immediately put in reverse and kicked into high gear when one goes home for a holiday and assumes their original role  within the nuclear family. Another situation for infantile behavior, a kinder atmospheric mechanism, is triggered when instruments of childhood are placed in front of a grown up human being. Such triggers include, but are not limited to: a favorite movie from youth, chocolate milk, and last but not least– legos.

The latter element was present a few weeks back at a friend’s house where several of my adult friends and I gathered for game night. Very few games were played –save for a few matches of Wii tennis that resulted in a broken lamp– but the presence of Legos kept us largely occupied. The following are a few of the wondrous creations made:

Avatar-esque Lego Battle Suit

5 Steering Wheels, A Crossbow and Darth Vader: Lego Version of the Drunk Tourist Bike

Modern Art by Rich M.

Chewbacca on the Pole by Jason S.

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Favorite Things Friday: The Constitution

Posted by evankessler on October 22, 2010

I’m an American. And as an American I think I should have a few favorite things that are distinctly American. My favorite thing I want to discuss briefly this Friday is the United States Constitution.

So what do I like about the Constitution? I like that it gives us certain inalienable rights. I like that it doesn’t tell us what to do about anything. I like that it tells the government not to do any governing, because that would totally violate those inalienable rights.  Most importantly, I like the passage where Thomas Jefferson wrote, “The founding fathers (myself included) wish it to be  taught in all public schools that Jesus thought it was a good idea that we all be allowed to carry guns. ”

Another favorite part of the Constitution that I love so dearly, is the section where it  gives me “the right to bear arms.” I don’t know what the founding fathers were into in their personal lives, but if I’ve got that worded correctly, it means the  the government can’t impinge on my right to kill a bear, cut off his arms, and sew them to my own so that I could walk around like some sorta bear zombie. Pretty cool.

Those to me are the best parts of the United States Constitution, the document that makes America the place I love. I hope whatever amendment that stuff is in doesn’t get repealed, because it would be a damn shame. That’s why if I lived in Delaware, I’d vote for Christine O’Donnell. Because if god didn’t want a virginal, ex-witch Senator to interpret the Constitution, then why the hell is there one running in the first place?

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Stand By The Jams

Posted by evankessler on May 3, 2010

There are songs and bands whose existences can live in deep in the recesses of your memory and stay lodged there for an indefinite amount of time until someone comes along and turns those metaphorical brain pockets inside out with either  a direct reference to a specific moment in your musical upbringing or with a blow to the head that brings about a sort of selective amnesia that allows you to only recall obscure early 90’s dance tracks. Yesterday, while approaching third avenue in Manhattan from the south east corner  of 52nd street, my friend Jason seemingly out of nowhere mentioned a group that once promised to rock me in a way that was non-Freddie Mercury and non-Brian May related.

“Do you remember that group The KLF?”

I was confused by the question.  I thought I was the only person in the world who occasionally had the words “KLF is gonna rock you” bouncing around my head from time to time.  This was a revelation, how many other people our age were secretly humming relatively obscure early 90’s acid house tunes.  After the fog in my head cleared and the song was somewhat fresh, we discussed the shouted refrain that neither of us could figure out and seemed to instantly join the canon of misheard lyrics of our youth.  I thought it was “ancients approved” and Jason thought it was something like “agents of rude.” Mine made more sense to both of us, but as it turns out neither was right.

I quickly changed the subject to another KLF song featuring Tammy Wynette of “Stand By Your Man” fame. Jason had zero recall when I mentioned this.  I was able to remember the “all bound for mu mu-land” lyric, but he still had no idea what I was talking about.  Part of me was now thinking that I had conjured this entire video on my own. Fortunately, there is a thing called Youtube that can confirm all of your deep-rooted musical suspicions.

I watched this video briefly today and it struck me as one of the more awkward pairings of all-time.  Sure we’ve had our  fair share of those over the years like Jack White and Loretta Lynn, Nelly and Tim McGraw, David Bowie and Bing Crosby and a few others I’m probably missing, but  watching this nearly 20 years later had this odd power that made it feel confusing, memorable and groundbreaking all at the same time.  Anyway, you be the judge.  I still think the KLF is gonna rock you.

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Every Mel Gibson Sperm is Sacred

Posted by evankessler on November 9, 2009

Mel Gibson's mugshot from his 28 July 2006 arr...

Image via Wikipedia

Everyone loves when celebrities have babies. It offers us solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence, as evidenced by the alternate dimension they seem to pull their newborn’s names from.

In what world is Pilot Inspektor deemed a proper thing to call a little boy, or a little girl Moxie CrimeFighter? Having a famous parent will most certainly assure you a difficult upbringing based solely on others disbelief that yes, your name is actually Audio Science.Sometimes the names are so bizarre they start trending on the real-time web. It happened recently when Nicole Richie and Joel Madden welcomed their first son Sparrow James Midnight Madden.

One thing’s for sure, somewhere in the near future there’s bound to be an upper echelon boarding school with an entire classroom full of children named after inanimate objects, ultimately making an English teacher’s job of defining a proper noun utterly impossible. Until that day we wait for those inanimate objects to be born into this world and named after Desk Lamp and Dictionary.

The latest celebrity to sire a potential oddly-named offspring is Mel Gibson, along with his Russian Girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Unfortunately, Mel has kept things pretty regular with seven other kids sporting earthly monikers like Hannah, Edward, and Tommy. The Braveheart star has done an excellent job of bucking the popular Hollywood trend yet again, as his eighth child-like creation comes with the acceptably normal handle of Lucia.

While we’re disappointed at Gibson’s inability to shock with his baby-naming skills, we guess his other forms of insanity will have to suffice for now. Still, it’s more fun to ask what if?  As in, what if Mel Gibson let his celebrity insanity carry over to his children by way of bestowing some oddball names on the boys and girls that he calls his sons and daughters? What could he have come up with?  So in honor of Gibson’s 8 children we here at OneRiot present you with Top 8 alternative crazy Mel Gibson baby names.

1. Sugartits Plum Fairy Gibson- Mel Gibson obviously has respect for females. Otherwise he wouldn’t have knocked up his wife seven times and drunkenly referred to the cop that pulled him over for DUI as “Sugartits.” Sugartits alone sounds a little crass to name a baby girl, but by taking after Bob Geldof who just seems to adorn birth names with plenty of pretty words, Plum Fairy should make little SugarT a rather precious addition to the family tree.

2. Riggs Murtaugh Gibson- Named after his and Danny Glover’s characters in the Lethal Weapon series, this name sets an example of racial tolerance.  If Riggs and Murtaugh could work together to bring down Apartheid in Lethal Weapon 2, then the world can be a better place if we all work together regardless of race…unless Jews get in the way.  Because according to Gibson the Jews are responsible for starting all wars.

3. The Boy Without A Face Gibson- One day that boy will grow up to be a “The Man Without a Face…Gibson”.

4. Office Max There can only be one Mad Max.  Mel names one son Office Max so he realizes he is predestined to run the business side of Icon Productions.

5. Another Hero Gibson- Despite Tina Turner’s contention on the Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome soundtrack that “we don’t need another hero” Mel Gibson makes sure we have got one.

6.  Malibu Gibson-
Even if Mel Gibson’s claims to own all of Malibu were not true…had he named one of his daughters this he’d now be able to claim that without him there’d be no Malibu.

7. Passion of the Christ Gibson- Mel gives the name of his greatest labor of love to a result of hours of laborious lovemaking.

8. Maverick Braveheart Gibson- Mixing these two key Gibson roles would make for one of the most audacious naming attempts in celebrity history.  Suck on that Pilot Inspektor.

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Garth Preps for Vegas Cowboy Comeback

Posted by evankessler on October 15, 2009

Beyond the Season

Image via Wikipedia

There are some people, that when you see their names trending, you assume to be either freshly dead, the subject of Internet death rumors, or newly accused of a heinous crime. Garth Brooks has been so safely stowed away from the limelight in recent years that his current nature as a trending topic had us fearing the worst and twitter user @LouisaPaxton wondering “Who is garth brooks?”

Rest assured Garthamaniacs, the former Country music megastar is not joining Michael Jackson in that big recording studio in the sky.  Quite the opposite.  The best-selling solo musician in U.S. history has announced that he will be ending his self-imposed nine year retirement and is rumored to be joining the ranks of Wayne Newton and Cher as a Las Vegas performer. So with Garth allegedly set to heat up the gambling circuit for 16 weeks courtesy of the Wynn Hotel & Casino, we here at OneRiot have come up with a list of ten things to expect during Garth’s run on the Sin City strip.

1. Admittedly not big on “social graces” an entire half-hour of the show will be dedicated to displays of Brooks’ bodily functions, burping being the one most prominently featured.
2. There will be barriers between the crowd and the stage, just no fences.
3. A more than uncalled for crowd hushing nightly pantomime re-enactment of the video for “The Thunder Rolls” as performed by a bevy of horribly out of place scantily clad showgirls.
4. The only merchandise available at the show will be Garth’s trademark black and white button down.
5. Opening for Garth Brooks…Trisha Yearwood…and on some dates, Larry The Cable Guy.  On no occasion will Clint Black be appearing.  The two haven’t gotten along since “the incident.”
6. Garth will reserve the front row each night for his best friends, for the sole purpose of not lying every time he sings “Friends in Low Places
7. There will be a giant slot machine on stage that Garth will invite one elderly fan to play throughout the entirety of the show.  If she hits the jackpot she wins the show’s entire gross profits for the evening.
8. Somewhere around the 14th week Garth will do a full week’s slate as his alter-ego Chris Gaines.  After the performances go largely unheralded, failing to achieve any critical or audience acclaim, Garth will return to as his old successful self.
9. In between the set and the encore of every show, Garth will slip on down to the Oasis Resort & Casino about an hour north of Las Vegas to chase his blues away. He’ll be okay.
10. Garth will put on the gosh darn grandest spectacle of a country music show you ever seen.  Mark our words…GRANDEST!

Alright, country music fans.  There your have it.  Time to thank your lucky stars that Country music’s true superstar is back in our good graces.  We expect to see searches for “Great Vegas Travel Deals” trending real soon.

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Mouth Like A Sailor

Posted by evankessler on September 18, 2009

Ahoy mateys. This is Peg Leg Evan here, and I be takin’ over the high seas of the OneRiot blog with this here post to let you know that tomorrow, September 19th, is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. So whether you’re flying on an airplane en route to meet up with your old college buddy in Pittsburgh or just taking a stroll in the park with the one you love, don’t forget to throw some Pirate-isms out to your fellow swashbucklers sailin’ along Davy Jones’ locker of life.

While traditionally this day has been all about sea shantys, “aaarghs”, eyepatches, and “walkin’ the plank”– there are now plenty of new additions to the realm of buccaneer terminology. If you really want to channel the modern day marine marauder you can bust out a “I don’t care where this ship’s a goin’ my M-16 says we’re headed to the shores of Mogadishu“; or you can go with the ever so caustic, “we demand $3 million in ransom or the French captain gets a bullet to the brain.” Whether you prefer the old timey yo-ho’s to the newfangled threat of gun violence, it’s all in play tomorrow. So change your Facebook language settings to “Pirate,” perch that Parrot on your shoulder, join an illegal free music website and fire a warning shot across the bows of all of your friends and enemies, because International Talk Like A Pirate Day is the only time everyone truly has an excuse for having a little Cap’n in ’em.

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Ernie Anastos Tells You What You Can Do With That Chicken

Posted by evankessler on September 17, 2009

that chicken

Image by istolethetv via Flickr

There are certain things you just don’t say. Amongst those things, you should never wish ill on someone else’s family; shout fire in a public theater; or suggest your president is responsible for the holocaust. After that there’s an entirely different realm of the unspoken that exists solely for people who have a public forum, which George Carlin affectionately dubbed the “seven words you can’t say on television.”

Last night FOXNY anchor Ernie Anastos created an entirely new category of the unutterable, melding one of those seven forbidden broadcast words with what some (okay, maybe just me) might refer to as an artfully nonsensical non-sequitir, and on live television no less. The veteran NYC area anchor, seemingly trying to bridge the gap between a tender weather forecast by meteorologist Nick Gregory and a story about the new Dan Brown book, laughingly encouraged his fair weather friend to “keep f%$king that chicken”– and then just kept a rollin’ as if nothing inappropriate had been said.

Anastos’ smooth transition was a little rockier for his colleagues, as the priceless look on co-anchor Dari Alexander’s face made it appear as though a shock and awe offensive had just been unleashed underneath the newsdesk, while Gregory just sort of tossed his hands up in the air as if to say, “I guess that’s Ernie for ya.”

We’ve yet to hear an official statement from FOX on the matter, but we’re thinking they might give ol’ Ernie the Ron Burgundy treatment and order him to stick strictly to what’s on the prompter from now on– lest he be immediately demoted to a lesser news affiliate broadcasting inside an actual whale’s vagina.

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