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Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

The Modest Beginnings of a Great Orator

Posted by evankessler on April 20, 2011

Getting a reputation as a great orator is as simple as making but a few memorable speeches. While my reputation for delivering inspirational speeches to crowds of people who would go onto lead/leave nations has long since been earned thanks to inspiring gems like the “Let’s go to the food court” speech at Nanuet Mall in 1992, the “I had a crazy dream last night” address at the Sadler Dining Hall  circa 1998, and the “Internships Are Important” monologue delivered before an enrapt class of Seniors at Mepham High School in the late winter of 2011, the fact remains that all elocution and bombast-related  legend must have it’s point of origin. Recently, I stumbled upon mine own.

Thumbing through the contents of the bedroom drawer in my childhood home, I came upon the first speech I ever delivered to a captive audience. Indeed there was something presidential about it, as it helped me to get elected to the highest political office in Mrs. Hutt’s 1st Grade Class at Lime Kiln Elementary School.  Below are its cherished contents:

"Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down That Wall!"

While my core values from that period have remained in tact, I more freely associate the regulatory policies discouraging the running in the classroom and throwing of paper airplanes with the Democratic Party instead of the Republican Party– which is listed above as my affiliation circa 1985. Regardless of which party line I was towing, it goes without saying that my rousing speech and campaign platform listed above, along with the slogan “Kess is Best,” afforded me a landslide victory in the election and helped mold me into the successful person I am today.

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The Rent is Too Damn High

Posted by evankessler on October 29, 2010

Stache and Burns: A New Buddy Cop Comedy Coming to A Theater Near You This Holiday Season

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Favorite Things Friday: The Constitution

Posted by evankessler on October 22, 2010

I’m an American. And as an American I think I should have a few favorite things that are distinctly American. My favorite thing I want to discuss briefly this Friday is the United States Constitution.

So what do I like about the Constitution? I like that it gives us certain inalienable rights. I like that it doesn’t tell us what to do about anything. I like that it tells the government not to do any governing, because that would totally violate those inalienable rights.  Most importantly, I like the passage where Thomas Jefferson wrote, “The founding fathers (myself included) wish it to be  taught in all public schools that Jesus thought it was a good idea that we all be allowed to carry guns. ”

Another favorite part of the Constitution that I love so dearly, is the section where it  gives me “the right to bear arms.” I don’t know what the founding fathers were into in their personal lives, but if I’ve got that worded correctly, it means the  the government can’t impinge on my right to kill a bear, cut off his arms, and sew them to my own so that I could walk around like some sorta bear zombie. Pretty cool.

Those to me are the best parts of the United States Constitution, the document that makes America the place I love. I hope whatever amendment that stuff is in doesn’t get repealed, because it would be a damn shame. That’s why if I lived in Delaware, I’d vote for Christine O’Donnell. Because if god didn’t want a virginal, ex-witch Senator to interpret the Constitution, then why the hell is there one running in the first place?

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Kim Jong Illness

Posted by evankessler on December 13, 2009

Kim Jong-il

Image via Wikipedia

We here at OneRiot never thought we’d see the day when Hollywood star Patrick Swayze and North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il would have something in common. Alas, that day has come.

No, the duo aren’t co-stars in kick assness in a new sequel to the 1989 film Next of Kin;  Rather, the Point Break star and North Korean nut job are currently both in the throes of Pancreatic Cancer.  While we’d love to see Swayze deliver a Roadhouse style roundhouse to his illness, is it sort of wrong that we’re rooting for the cancer in Kim’s case?  It almost seems like the perfect karmic boomerang of pain and suffering reserved for a maniacal and brutally opressive dictator whose regime has caused plenty of anguish amongst his own peoples– while continually threatening the world by having his finger constantly on that big red button.

So maybe rooting for the C Storm to overtake the Napoleonic North Korean’s body is uncivilized in it’s own right– in which case we just hope the illness makes Kim see the error of his twisted, tyranical ways and  decides he’s been doing it all wrong- opting to turn his nation into a democratic one.  Failing that, we guess Team America will always need an arch enemy.

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Hillary and Sarah’s Starbucks Summit

Posted by evankessler on November 16, 2009

On this weekend’s broadcast of NBC’s Meet The Press, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told host David Gregory that she’d find the prospect of sitting down with Sarah Palin over a hot cuppa joe “very interesting.”  All of this hullabaloo stems from a passage in the former VP hopeful’s book “Going Rogue” where the hockey mom intimates that if the two ever did sit down for some java they would “fundamentally disagree on many issues.”

While that assessment is probably an understatement, we think these two ladies could stand to learn a lot from one another.  We’re not sure if this Starbucks Summit will ever take place, but we have a few ideas about what might come up should these two very different female heads of state ever sip together in or out of the political realm:

1. Geography- Ms. Palin knows where Russia is and now has even seen parts of Asia. That’s a lot of foreign soil. However, as a former first lady and current Secretary of State, we think Hillary can help school Sarah on world capitals and foreign leaders that she can’t see from her porch.

2. Hockey- As a self-professed Hockey Mom, Ms. Palin sure knows her way around the rink. SP could explain to Hillary why after the 2004-2005 NHL lockout the league’s decision to abolish the two-line pass rule and institute overtime shootouts were pivotal to the survival of the “coolest game on earth.”

3. Raising Daughters- Both of these women know what it’s like to have a little girl as the apple of their eye. Both had obviously different approaches to raising them and teaching them the birds and the bees. Palin went with the celibacy-only option and based on the activity of Hillary’s husband, that was never an option. Funnily enough, these approaches turned out opposite of what you’d expect. I’m sure they’ll laugh and laugh over this one.

4. Being Overshadowed By Successful Husbands-
Sarah: It’s hard to be the well-liked female governor of Alaska when your husband is a champion snow machine racer that everyone loves and respects.
Hillary: Tell me about it. My husband was President of the United States.  That’s like the champion snow machine racer of politics.

5. Folksiness
– Many perceive Hillary Clinton the necessary “cold bitch” ideal for diplomacy.  Ms. Palin might recommend dropping some of her g’s in order to achieve folksy charm, which in turn could help disarm Iran’s leaders and their military.

There’s probably plenty more common ground we’re not thinking of, like where to buy the best feminine power suits or the best firearm to use from your helicopter, but until Starbucks Summit actually happens, all we here at OneRiot can do is speculate.

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Nick Griffin: Scourge of the Britons

Posted by evankessler on October 22, 2009

It’s not often that matters solely encompassing political affairs of the British Isles make lasting impressions throughout the course of the day. The fickle nature of trending topics tends to guarantee that at almost the precise moment we choose to tackle one in blog form, it disappears. Today, however, the topics of “BBC” and “Nick Griffin” have managed to stay afloat atop our fair list of topics. Upon first glance, these two topics seemed separate. We thought perhaps the BBC was trending because Monty Python just so happens to be celebrating their 40th year of hilarity, and maybe everyone in Britain was checking feverishly to see what time a special is going to air on BBC. Not really knowing who Nick Griffin was, we figured maybe he was a new contestant on Britain’s Got Talent who even topped Susan Boyle. Upon further investigation, this could not be further from the truth.

Nick Griffin is a rather controversial figure across the pond as the head of the rather exclusive (in a negative way) right wing political party known as the BNP.  Hoards of Brits are outraged over the BBC’s decision to allow his whites-only party their fair share of air time– or as it’s put, “Question Time“– to voice their political views, in spite of protests by those with both political and moral opposition.

Opinions on the free speech front can be heard as echoes of digital displeasure from as far North as the Orkney Islands all the way to the Channel Tunnel entrance near Dover. The Twittersphere is aflutter with strong feelings as people like @Furbylina who wishes she could be at the BBC protesting the BNP and to afford Nick Griffin the opportunity to wear a little egg on his chin.

Meanwhile, others like @RyanPilbeam see this as not necessarily a victory for free speech, but certainly an exercise in it that should be tolerated.

The entire episode has an air of familiarity to it. I think I remember something happening in America back in August and September with people holding up Nazi flags and racist signs and talking about Healthcare of all things.  While this debate doesn’t have the same issue at the center of it, it does raise an interesting question over the limits of free speech and when we can legally restrict the speech of another.

Britain.  It’s just like America– but with funny accents and a different way to spell “humour.”

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Steel Cage Match: Dodd vs. McMahon

Posted by evankessler on September 16, 2009

Over the last several months the debate over healthcare has made congress look like it was embroiled in a WWE Battle Royale.  Barack Obama’s big speech made us feel like he was the last man standing in the ring, just before Joe Wilson made it apparent that he and a few other Republicans were still hanging onto the top rope and about to charge directly at the president’s bill with a foreign object in hand and a folding chair slung over their shoulders. All wrestling metaphors aside, it looks like another Royal Rumble may be coming to the Connecticut political arena just in time for the 2010 election!

Linda McMahon, CEO of the WWE and wife of its Chairman Vince McMahon, has announced her intentions to run for the Republican nomination for Connecticut Senatorial Seat currently occupied by “Kid Dynamite” Chris Dodd. Instead of the engaging in the typical electoral process, “The Moderate Mawler” is aiming at a steel cage ladder match lasting three falls.  Should Ms. McMahon take the Senatorial Championship, CSPAN is expected to become a lot more interesting as it will feature frequent filibusters from the likes of Macho Man Randy Savage and The Rock– not to mention every Monday Night you’ll be able to catch CSPAN Raw where government disputes are settled in the ring!  Now that’s what I call Government!

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Laura Bush Flexes Conservative Muscle

Posted by evankessler on September 8, 2009

President Obama inherited a lot of undesirable elements from the previous presidential administration: two wars; a flailing economy; and a sizeable debt– to name just a few.  While Dubya (a.k.a. he of the frequent comically inept quote) has yet to offer so much as a whimper of an apology for putting the next President into such a politically precarious situation, The Decider’s legacy as a generally crappy decision maker has been overshadowed by his party’s quest to vilify any and all suggestions the current President makes in the attempt to get us out of this mess.
Granted, not all of President Obama’s decisions have been golden eggs, but the dude is trying.  Unfortunately, partisan politics seems to follow him at every turn, whether he’s being labeled “the great indoctrinator” for trying to merely tell kids to stay in school or a “socialist” for his attempt to (gasp) get people cheaper health care.  As the President continues to dodge slanderous projectiles from the extreme right and even extreme left, he’s finally found himself some conservative support from the unlikeliest of places–the wife of the man who got us into a good deal of this mess. 

Laura Bush–stepping out of her Stepford mansion and onto the small screen– has come out with more than a few kind words in support of the current president.  In a recent interview with CNN, Mrs. Decider offered up her opinion of her husband’s successor, saying that she thought Obama was doing a good job under the circumstances (which may or may not be code for George says, “my bad”).  She also went on to criticize the partisan nature of Washington, defending the President’s speech to schoolchildren, suggesting that parents should learn from his example and “encourage their own children to stay in school and to study hard and to try to achieve the dream that they have.”

Now if we could only get the rest of the President’s detractors to agree with the controversial statement that “staying in school and getting an education is important”, then we might finally be onto something.  Keep up the good work Laura, you continue plugging literacy and we’ll keep reading and writing.

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Barney Gets Frank

Posted by evankessler on August 19, 2009

If there’s one thing I learned in my several years of Hebrew School and through my general intake of world history since, it’s that we of the Hebrew persuasion are not really big fans of Nazis. It probably has something to do with the fact that that Adolph Schicklgruber and company tried to wipe us off the face of the earth with a little something that was quite the opposite of Universal Health Care, called “Genocide”. 

So it should stand to reason that not only would Jewish people not readily support any policies that are even vaguely Nazi-esque in their conception, but that we would also take great offense to any such suggestion that we do in fact stand for any of  those ol’ brown shirt style values. That hasn’t stopped a few extreme crazies from hurling such inclinations in the general direction of a few chosen people and the president (who last time we checked was a minority not in the good graces of the Nazi party).

The most recent incident occurred at a Massachusetts Town Hall meeting, where a clueless party toting an Obama as Hitler poster questioned as to why Rep. Barney Frank was indeed supporting policies that would do Hitler proud.  Rep. Frank who is gay, Jewish, and a real American hero proceeded to then lay the smack down on the ignorant inquirer, setting the example for other members of congress on just how the woefully uninformed and unruly are to be dealt with–and for that we salute him.
Check out the clip in all of it’s glory below:

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Captain Obvious says, “Don’t Text and Drive”

Posted by evankessler on July 29, 2009

In my opinion, it is not the act of talking on...

Image via Wikipedia

In these chaotic times, we human beings continually find ourselves at the mercy of societal behaviors that have continued to reek havoc on our ability to manifest our own special brand of common sense from the innermost reaches of our frontal lobe.  Luckily, when our inability to reason is thwarted by the temptation of dangling carrots such as our impulse to “bring the blow dryer into the shower” or  “type that really funny text message to our friends whilst driving 90mph through a school zone” –there is a brave superhero who uses his gallant rationale for good by transferring it to those who might use it to make a positive difference.

That brave soul is Captain Obvious and for his most recent act of valor, our shining star of sensibility was able to transfer his
recognition of the cognitive dissonance inherent in the act of texting while driving to the brains of several prominent lawmakers.  After reading a study earlier in the week by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute stating that “when drivers of heavy trucks texted, their collision risk was 23 times greater than when not texting,” Captain Obvious was able to infer an even larger hypothesis that texting while driving is just generally a bad idea.

He quickly directed this superthought towards the receptive brains of Senators Charles Schumer (D-NY), Robert Menendez (D-NJ), Mary Landrieu of Louisiana and Kay Hagan of North Carolina. The highway safety-loving quartet of Senators now have plans to unveil legistlation banning the dangerous practice of texting while driving on America’s roads–proving that Captain Obvious’s message was received loud and clear.

Oh well, all in a days work for this superhero. Just remember, there’s a little of Captain Obvious inside all of us.


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