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Bringing It All Back Home

Posted by evankessler on October 27, 2010

I had a bit of a shock yesterday. I was applying for two separate positions for pop culture blogger and media blogger at the New York Observer, when I went fishing for some links to old posts I did for OneRiot. Much to my surprise and chagrin, I  learned that the entire OneRiot blog had been expunged from the online universe. That meant a large number of my culture and current events portfolio pieces had been abruptly flushed down the drain of the world wide web.

Unfortunately, I had taken very few, if any, screen shots of these wonderful and relevant specimens of wit and writing ability. It was a crushing blow to my professional prospects, for when one sends out clips to a prospective employer, it’s best that these clips have a reputable label affixed to them. The OneRiot blog had been nominated for a South x Southwest award and had a reasonably slick design. In short, it was a lot more official looking than my personal blog.

Luckily, there is a thing called email. Seeing as I wasn’t authorized to access and post directly to the OneRiot blog myself, all of these posts had to be submitted via messages sent to my editors or by sharing on GoogleDocs. Although they may not currently live online in edited post form, they’re hidden in the dark recesses of my inbox and shared document folder.

In efforts to recreate the magic of these past posts, I shall be undertaking a massive reclamation project to make them live again online in the archives of EvanKessler.com. Each post will be accompanied by the OneRiot logo as seen below (usually in the upper right hand/left hand corner):

Let the process begin. This may or may not be a long slog.

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My Flushy Valentine

Posted by evankessler on February 5, 2010

There are certain traditions one can count on every February 14th.  For most, Valentine’s Day conjures up images of lonely single people weeping, romantic candlelit dinners at the White Castle and rose petals lining the floor of the jungle room of the local Econo-lodge creating a colorful path to the coin-operated vibrating bed.

A Toronto area establishment is attempting to add a new wrinkle to the rites associated with the passage of this amorous occasion.  The owners of Mildred’s Temple Kitchen are hoping happy couples will foresake the romance of a champagne-and-strawberries romp down by the fire in favor of a jolly rogering in the presence of a porcelain god. Simply put, the eatery whose name conjures up a visit to grandma’s house, is encouraging it’s V Day diners to have sex in their bathroom.

All of this is evidenced by their website’s enticing inquiry as to whether couples have thought about “moving beyond the bedroom.” To encourage said illicit affairs even further, the management is furnishing the unisex washrooms with copies of the Kama Sutra.

While we imagine the erotic occupation of the john puts a damper for any significant other who was planning on using the restroom to  propose or the janitor on cleanup duty, we applaud the effort to make romance in even the least sanitary of places. It’s even inspired us to come up with a few of our own groundbreaking suggestions for sprucing up this somewhat cliched holiday, whether in public or in the privacy of your own home:

Swingers Night at Fuddruckers
Why not sweeten up your relationship on Valentine’s Day by convincing the local Fuddruckers franchise to host a swingers night?  Turn your loved one and a few significant others into a sexual sundae on this sensual Sunday.

Crying at IKEAInstead of openly weeping by your lonesome in your living room, you and other singles can gather at IKEA and cry about being alone in reasonable facsimiles of the rooms you normally do it in.

Saw Movie Marathon- Watching torture porn together might not be as much of a turn on as watching actual porn for you and your loved one, but once the films are over you could play a stimulating game of “would you rather.”  First question: If we were being held captive by a serial killer and given a choice, would you rather cut off your own genitalia or decapitate me?

Single Ladies Danceathon-All the Single ladies without a ring on it will blast Beyonce’s hit song to celebrate not getting flowers or chocolates whilst convincing themselves that being alone is much better anyway.

Gentleman’s Club Marriage Proposals- What better way to show your lady that you have only have eyes for her than by popping the question in a roomful of naked women who you don’t want to marry.  Makes perfect sense, right?

There’s plenty of ways to show someone you care on Valentine’s Day.  You could go with the old tried and true or try something new.  We can make some suggestions, but the rest is up to you.  Start planning now.

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Six More Weeks!

Posted by evankessler on February 2, 2010

Bright and early on this the morning of February 2nd in the year two-thousand and ten, the holy groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil emerged from the safety of his cushy apartment in a tree stump at the Gobbler’s Knob section of town to briefly focus his ocular cavities on the ground below.  The latest incarnation of the United States’ most legendary rodent came to spy his own silhouette, thereby decreeing that a continued dose of wintry hellfire would be inflicted upon the residents of this fair nation– from sea to shining sea.

Before taking refuge back in his humble abode, the hermetic hog made sure to warn the people against the worship of false idols, specifically citing the existence of one “Staten Island Chuck” who he claimed was, “nothing but a two-bit fraud like that L. Ron guy or most psychics.”

So now that we’re all but certain to be steeped in six more weeks of blistering cold before the sun doth shine again, here are a few more things we should expect in the remaining weeks of the frost-bitten season:

The Rise of The Snowman Border Patrol- With continued cold comes the possibility for snowstorms. Many a heap of fresh powder will be used by this nation’s schoolchildren to create a veritable militia of immobile snowpeople hell bent on standing guard over wintry landscapes.  We can let them take over or we can commission them to line the Canada-US border and equip them with rifles so as to discourage illegal immigration from the great white north.  This will not work along the US-Mexico border or if it rains.

Decreased Usage of Freezers- Iceboxes across the nation will remain empty for the next month-plus as people decide that their perishables should be more in touch with nature and their beer should always be winter-fresh instead of simply ice-cold.

Increased Drunken Bear AttacksBears will come out of hibernation early once they smell all of the food/beer that has been left out in the cold.  They may have trouble with twist-off caps but will have no problem biting off the tops of your domestic bottles.

Secretive Winter Olympics Obsessions- Your friends may tell you it’s too cold out to engage in social outings, but in reality they’ve got plenty of warm enough clothing to brave the frosty conditions. They’re just afraid to tell you the real reason they’re not hanging out; the highly anticipated doubles luge competition and Ice Dancing finals.  USA! USA!

Only time will tell if Punxsutawney’s prophetic predictor of elemental conditions is dead on, but we here at OneRiot think that you should embrace the deep freeze.  Six more weeks of hot cocoa is not so bad.

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The Long Arm of YouTube

Posted by evankessler on January 28, 2010

The bandwidth taken up by the massive video oversharing outlet known as Youtube is littered with literally thousands of examples of “nontent” (a new word I made up meaning videos with absolutely no discernible use or enjoyable content).  While plenty of uploaders, like that Fred kid, should probably be arrested for continually posting ridiculous attempts at “entertainment,” there is currently no statute that outlaws being an annoying online presence.

There are plenty of other laws in place, however, that make other things illegal.  For instance, armed robbery is illegal, as is the smoking and possession marijuana in most US states– when not accompanied by a prescription. It’s true that one of those transgressions is more heinous than the other. Regardless, it’s probably not a great idea to post yourself engaging in either illegal act on Youtube.

For one Nebraska father the lure of Internet fame via the frequent production of such “nontent” was far too great though, leading him to ignore this heaping dose of common sense. Fourty-four-year-old David Johnson posted over 90 videos on the broadcast site, most of which contained him and his two sons engaging in reefer madness. Now not only has the very public offender been ripped of his 50 bongs, but he is also being charged with misdemeanor child abuse and possession of drug paraphernalia and marijuana. On top of that, his eldest son is also facing possession charges and his 17-year old tyke has been placed in foster care.

Way to go dad!  This tragic family tale of video-sharing gone wrong has given us cause to come up with a few other things you shouldn’t broadcast on youtube, lest the long arm of the law come and take you away.

Mattresses Tag Removal- There’s no more reviled crime in the furniture industry than taking a scissor to that hanging fabric warning.  Keep your tag tearing tendencies to yourself.  We hear there are no mattress labels in the big house.

File Sharing- The struggling Music Business is always looking for a way to diversify their profit intake.  Sometimes making millions off Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and American Idol winners just isn’t enough.  Don’t give them a reason to suspect you’re worth a lawsuit by broadcasting your individual digital downloading sins.

Jaywalking- Jaywalking is no joke.  Well, it is if you’re Jay Leno and that’s the name of a segment on your show.  On second thought, that’s not funny either.  Don’t post videos of yourself imitating Jay Leno segments on the Internet.

Theater Hopping- Thou shalt not post theater-hopping tutorials. You paid $20 including popcorn and soda to see Avatar and Avatar only. If you want to see Tooth Fairy, you’re going to have to pony up an additional $12 or so.

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Bigger Than Avatar?

Posted by evankessler on January 27, 2010

James Cameron is one rich man.  His latest film, Avatar, achieved the honor of being the highest-grossing film of all-time yesterday. The preachy and visually stunning CGI extravaganza netted $1.859 billion in just over a month-and-a-half, besting his 1997 film Titanic‘s mark of $1.843 Billion.  We’re not quite sure how Cameron celebrated, but we have an image of him standing on a Titanic replica overlooking the Hollywood Hills screaming, “I’m the King of The Film World!” while Kate Winslet listened in on speaker phone.

We’d hate to jump the gun and crown a director, who compensates for contrived story lines and mediocre dialogue with dazzling visual intricacies, a Movie Monarch when there are so many actual great stories that have been captured on celluloid; but sometimes the monetary results just speak for themselves. It’s hard to believe that any other film could achieve such astounding financial success as Cameron’s last 2 major outings; but in the interest of further innovation, we here at OneRiot have a few concepts for potential box office blockbusters that just might give Avatar a run for it’s title of top moneymaker of all-time.

Nude– A film starring Scarlet Johansson, Natalie Portman, Megan Fox, Penelope Cruz, and Zoe Saldana.  The trailers will reveal none of the film’s plot just hint at the possibility of nude scenes for all of the lead actresses.  That kind of promotion got an audience for the crapfest that was Coyote Ugly because some of us are just that dumb. Work that into an actual film with a plot and talented actresses and don’t forget to pepper in a few explosions for good measure. Plenty of money will come pouring in by giving fans the option to see this in IMAX 3D.

Marvel vs. DC- Highly anticipated comic book movies traditionally have monstrous opening weekends.  This cinematic comic extravaganza will feature every single hero from DC and Marvel titles battling against a mega-syndicate of supervillains. Imagine Batman and the Flash fighting side by side with Spider-Man and Wolverine! Expect this one to be sold out for months. The comic book movie to end all comic book movies should outdo Avatar in about two weeks.

Puppies and Kitties- Everybody loves watching puppies and kitties all day on youtube, but once the cuteness hits you in 3D IMAX the adorable overload is uncontrollable.

America’s Funniest Home Videos: The Movie- If there’s one thing that makes people laugh it’s watching other people fall down or get kicked in the nuts.  Not only will this film revive Bob Saget’s career, but the studio will love it because of the low pricetag. it sure to be the breakout comedy of the year!

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What Does “Censorship” Mean?

Posted by evankessler on January 26, 2010

Reading comprehension is one of the most vital elements in a child’s educational development.  Without knowledge of the meaning of the combination of words that make it up, a sentence is just a mish-mash of indeterminate sounds devoid of any sense. Luckily, when children and even adults find a word that stumps them, there is always a place of reference they can turn to to enlighten their curious minds. This place of reference is known as “the dictionary.”

For some time now, inquiring minds have been harvesting new knowledge derived from the simple act of “looking it up.”  That is all about to change for the 4th and 5th grade students of Southern California’s Menifee Union school district.  It seems district officials have taken offense to Merriam- Webster‘s graphic definition of “Oral Sex” as “oral stimulation of the genitals” and banned the reference book outright from their classrooms.

To leave such a gaping a hole in the reference section seems a tad bit ridiculous when considering that the dictionary definition is in fact an awful lot tamer than the other avenues available to children to check such terms.  Would the school board rather the children typed “oral sex” into an Internet search engine or learn about it from the dirty kid down the street who charges $5 a head to look at his dad’s collection of porno?

If anything, keeping the dictionary around will allow those kids to learn two new words in “oral” and “stimulation” that can be used in non-sexual sentences, whilst removing the volume of vocab might prevent them from picking up on valuable concepts like “censorship.”

If the school district finds the dictionary too racy, we wonder what other valuable school tools might this district take exception to:

Red Crayons and Markers- By denying children the color red we’re nearly assured their potentially Communist leanings will be nipped in the bud.

Rulers- Children might feel compelled to use these measuring sticks to compare the size of each other’s genitalia during recess.

#2 Pencils Filling out tests with these 2nd rate scribblers will doom them to a lifetime of inferior test results.  #1 Pencils all the way!

Science Books- That chapter on asexual reproduction is as racy as it gets. Whoever heard of a cell reproducing on its own?  Binary fission should be between a male cell and a female cell who are married and love each other very much.

Calculators- Giving kids calculators to solve complex math problems will eventually lead to them learning how to spell the word, “BOOBLESS” out of upside down numbers.

Kids are a lot smarter than what we give them credit for.  Just because the term “oral sex” is in the dictionary, doesn’t mean they’ll sit there staring at the word for the rest of the school year.  The dictionary is not the Kama Sutra, and at that age the idea of anything vaguely sexual is usually gross or hilarious anyway.  Put the dictionary back and move on.

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Men On Road to Gender Equality

Posted by evankessler on January 22, 2010

In the female-dominated world of sex work, the male of the species has been woefully held down by the presence of an ever-so-thick pane of glass ceiling. When most people think of “exotic dancing,” the image of large-bosomed, barely-clad ladies comes to mind way before that of Swayze-esque Chippendales performers with a degree in teabagging from Hunk University.

The same goes for the practice of prostitution. We usually imagine these hustlers as sensual ladies of the night, and when we do think of Man-hos, we’re more likely to get the image of a cutoff wearing meth addict propositioning cars underneath the bridge– not a classy brothel setup where randy ladies get introduced to a lineup of grade A beef for the sampling.

That’s all about to change though, as male prostitutes in the state of Nevada have their answer to Susan B. Anthony and Rosa Parks; he goes by the name “Markus” and he is the first legal gigolo in the United States, courtesy of The Shady Lady Ranch in Beatty,Nevada.

Markus is more than just a male prostitute.  He’s a gender equality crusader, proving that any sexual act women can perform legally, men can do just as well or even better. Inspired by Markus’s shattering of barriers between the sexes, we here at OneRiot believe the resultant domino effect will lead to men tackling roles traditionally occupied by females in other arenas. Here are a list of just some of the stereotypically female-dominated jobs/roles this pioneer of paid intercourse is paving the way for men to break into:

Cafeteria Worker- The term “Lunch Lady” has been standard in cafeterias the world over for decades.  Men have been excluded for far too long from the practice of slinging Sloppy Joe’s whilst wearing a paper cap.  We believe the term is “Lunch Person.”

Trophy Spouse- Traditionally rich men have their pick of members of the opposite sex whose sole aspiration is to dote on their powerful partner or appear on Rock of Love.  Well, men can aspire to just as little as certain women if half the cast of “A Shot At Love” is any indication.  Isn’t time the world accepts trophy husbands for all their lack of drive and clears a place for them on the mantle?

Sideline Reporter- While it’s true men have long existed on the sidelines of sporting events, giving inane facts that could easily be glossed over by the booth broadcast crew, this field has been recently dominated by a blistering array of beautiful, knowledgeable and intelligent ladies. Given this recent push for equality, we could see a fair amount of handsome gentleman taking their turf back outside the lines.

It may take time for gender equality to penetrate all aspects of society, but this we promise you OneRiot readers; A change is gonna come.

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Tummy Tightening Tacos?

Posted by evankessler on January 21, 2010

Anyone who has ever sampled the fine fast food fare at a Taco Bell is well aware that Gorditas and Chalupas are much more likely to cause bowel irritation than weight loss stimulation.  There’s a reason the brand slogan is “run for the border” and not “take a leisurely jog around Lake Texcoco.”  Anything less than a full out sprint to the bathroom following the inhalation of a few beef tacos will most likely result in pants being unpleasantly soiled.

So when Taco Bell decided to pull a Jared and claim some dietary benefit from gorging oneself on stomach churning goodies from their drive-thru menu, it seemed like something was rotten in the state of Denmark‘s underpants. Nonetheless, the speedy soft taco peddler pressed on with their Drive-Thru Diet promotion, insisting in its commercials that while the results weren’t typical, a mysterious character named Christine had lost 54 lbs by repeatedly ingesting low-grade meat, cheese, and veggies.

Taco Bell has yet to back away from said claim that the newly svelte spokesperson unpacked her pounds by ordering from the comfort of her own driver’s seat, but are now admitting that the “Drive-Thru Diet” isn’t really much of a diet and that if you think that alone is going to make you thin, well then you’re probably pretty stupid (our words not theirs). However, if you were that gullible in the first place, we here at OneRiot have a few more “healthy” diets that you might want to undertake to turn your waistline frown upside down…or force you to buy bigger pants.

Tic-Tac Diet- This one-and-a-half calorie breath mint is oddly satisfying. Given that a typical healthy diet for a male is 2,000 calories and 1,800 for a female; this diet allows for plenty of indulgence provided that indulgence is in the form of one of the many flavors of minty goodness.  We can’t account for the lack of nutrition, but at least you’ll have fresh breath. Just to be safe you should probably take a multivitamin.

Sundae Thru Monday Diet- One three-scoop Ice cream sundae with hot fudge, caramel, m&m’s a day keeps diabetes at bay. Don’t forget to put that cherry on top.  Fruit is healthy.

The Model Diet- The most important part of being a model is staying thin; so it would stand to reason that thin models have the best diets, right?  Of course. Note that there is very little food on this diet, just the occasional cucumber or carrot off of a craft services tray and plenty of cigarettes.  Beat back that hunger with a cancer stick and the occasional sniff of cocaine.

Dollar Menu Diet- Three dollars a day keeps hunger away. Many fast food restaurants have instituted cheap options flooded with essentials vitamins so the financially strapped can remain physically strapping.  A sausage mcmuffin for breakfast and a double cheeseburger for lunch and dinner.  We can practically see the pounds peeling off.

While these diets may help the naive and nutitionally-challenged attempt to achieve their ideal bod, we here at OneRiot maintain that there’s no substitute for good old fashion exercise. Pushing on that remote button burns a half a calorie.  Get to channel surfing.

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Disasters, Excuses

Posted by evankessler on January 20, 2010

Following the initial Haiti earthquake everyone who was anyone (or just somewhat crazy people) seemed to have an opinion as to the reason such a calamitous tax was levied upon the people of such a desperate nation. Pat Robertson blamed the tragedy on some ridiculous pact with the devil; not to outdo Robertson, actor Danny Glover implied that this cataclysmic event may have been avoided if only we had come to a suitable climate control agreement back in Copehagen. Yes, all of those things may have made the holy union of “the Lord” and “Mama Nature” angry, but nothing makes the supreme couple more angry than people making up excuses for the odd, yet powerful “Force majeure.”

Since the massive seismic shift left Haiti in dire straits, several other “acts of God” have rained down upon the earth’s surface. Tremors have left Guatemala, Northern California, Cayman Islands, and even Oklahoma feeling a little shaky; and for a little variety, the star-studded southern beach towns of Los Angeles and and areas of Orange and San Diego counties were hit yesterday with a Tornado.

Like TV evangelists and actors, we here at OneRiot are not ones to simply accept the fact that sometimes weather goes a bit batty and the tectonic plates need to shift and release pressure. There must be something or someone we can blame for this violently destructive windstorm wreaking having in the SoCal area. Here’s a few things we think might be responsible for this horrible occurrence which resulted in no reported fatalities or injuries.

The Producers of “The Real Housewive of Orange County”- The producers of the show made a pact with the devil that as long as the show was on the air, none of the cast would ever have to experience anything remotely “real.” Nature’s revenge forces them to deal with the reality of cleaning up a downed tree in their yard or going without electricity for a few hours.

Roland Emmerich- We’re not sure if this director lives in Southern California, but he probably has a house there. Either way, having directed such cinematic crapfests as “The Day After Tomorrow” and “2012” portraying the CGI destruction of cities, the lord above and mother nature thought it would be a nice touch to show him what actual weather disasters look like, so he might get it right next time he decides to have harsh winds engulf and destroy an entire city.

The San Diego Chargers After another season of not making the Super Bowl under head coach Norv Turner, the Chargers offered their head coach a 3-year extension. This was mother nature’s way of saying, “bad move.”

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Denver Irks Wisconsin Neighbor

Posted by evankessler on January 19, 2010

Most fans of John Denver have to wait until they reach the pearly gates before they finally get to thank god for their own country boy-ishness, but one such fan of the late “Take Me Home, Country Roads” singer was pretty sure he could get that message out to the heavens from the confines of his Fon Du Lac, Wisconsin apartment.  Last week, area police officers were notified of a loud, yet soothing racket emanating from the man’s apartment by a neighbor. That racket consisted of some choice Denver tunes. Officers banged on the  door to tell the noise code violator to keep it down.  The resident, however, missed the authoritative knocks of the law, no doubt due to the side effects of his “Rocky Mountain High.” The culprit of the folksy din later admitted to authorities that he missed their overtures due to the fact that he had been “rockin’ out.”

Now, we here at OneRiot are a firm believer of the “to each their own” school of musical taste, and we think “Leavin’ On A Jet Plane” is a pretty great song, but we’re not really sure if it’s possible to “rock out” to John Denver.  Maybe you can “bop along” but there’s a limit.  That being said, here’s a few other artists that make “rockin’ out” a rather distinct impossibility.

Hootie & The Blowfish- The most exciting thing this inexplicably popular 90’s band could get us hyped for is the par five on the 16th hole at Sawgrass. With songs like “Hold My Hand” and “Only Want To Be With You,” we’d expect to hear Hootie & The Blowfish in the background of our awkward weather conversation in the elevator or in the dairy aisle of the supermarket before they made it onto anyone’s gym mix.

Celine Dion- We’d rather run our car straight into an iceberg than blast Celine Dion while driving 80 through a school zone.

Limp Bizkit- Enjoying a Limp Bizkit song may actually feel like you are “rockin’ out,” but breaking stuff doesn’t count. In this instance, the term is just code for “actively trying to make yourself dumber.”

The Bee Gees- The Brothers Gibb wrote some pretty wonderful songs, but if your emotions take you over whilst listening to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack; that’s not rocking out.  That’s just your John Travolta impression.

John Tesh- The former Entertainment Tonight host may get super excited about having written the theme for the NBA on NBC, but watching this new age tunesmith prance around in excitement over a musical intro for Basketball games just leaves us confused and disheartened.

Honorable mention goes to Kenny G and Michael Bolton for being on the cutting edge of lame.  Maybe they’ll inspire their own noise complaint soon to push them over the top.

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