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Archive for the ‘current events’ Category

Everybody Hates Moammar

Posted by evankessler on September 23, 2009

Leading a nation associated with supporting terrorism, and giving a hero’s welcome to the convicted Lockerbie bomber a few weeks back, hasn’t help alleviate any infamy associated with Moammar Ghadafi.  So, it should come as no surprise that on his first trip to the States in 40 years, the longstanding Libyan ruler has more or less had the welcome mat yanked from under his feet.

In town for the UN General Assembly, Ghadafi has had heaps of trouble finding a suitable station to rest his weary head. It seems not many towns want to court controversy along with angry protests to their very doorstep. After being rejected from multiple locations, Ghadafi’s brief nomadic meanderings around the New York Metropolitan area came to an end when he found a nice spot owned by Donald Trump to pitch his literal tent.

Unfortunately the town of Bedford, where said tent was pitched, seemed none too pleased with the Colonel setting up camp and have since ordered a halt to the erection of Ghadafi’s quarters. With his state of temporary residence again in flux and no doubt weighing heavily on his diplomatic heart, the Colonel delivered an angry speech to the UN General Assembly– blasting the Security Council and probably not earning many standing ovations. The amalgam of thankless circumstances has probably set the stage for the Libyan leader’s hasty exit via the first flight to Tripoli, which is a shame since there are so many nice things to see in the area provided you can get a reasonable hotel room.

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Syko Suspected in Slaying

Posted by evankessler on September 21, 2009

We’ve never been accused of a single or even multiple homicide, but we’d imagine that the most difficult part of receiving a fair hearing from a jury of your peers on such charges is the fact that the word “murderer” even with the word “alleged” in front of it carries a pretty negative stigma akin to strike one.  While strikes two and three are usually reserved for damning evidence (or rappers with the name C-Murder) and a subsequent judicial ruling, one potential inmate may have handed over all of the proof beyond a reasonable doubt necessary for cementing his conviction in the minds of jurors with his choice of artistic expression and his knack for picking an appropriate pseudonym. A 20-year-old California-based Horrorcore rapper, going by the name of Syko Sam, is accused of murdering a Virginia Pastor and three others at the home of a Longwood University professor 50 miles outside of Richmond over the weekend.

Syko Sam, whose real name Richard Alden Samuel McCroskey III makes him sound like a 3rd generation Yale legacy, wrote extremely dark lyrics describing the thrill of watching dying victims last breaths and a love of stabbing– amongst other twisted fantasies. We hate to plant our feet  in the “murderer” box on our jump to conclusions mat solely based on some effed up lyrics and a name (after all, we don’t think “The Killers” have actually killed anybody), but there’s some additional none-too-friendly evidence on the suspect’s myspace page linking him to a weekend rendezvous with one teen victim– not to mention the fact that he’s thought to have split from the scene of the crime in one of the victim’s cars.

While we’re firm believers that “innocent until proven guilty” and artistic expression don’t often see eye to eye,  there can sometimes be a thin line between talk and action that warrants our attention.  This might be an example of the latter.

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The Potomac Incident

Posted by evankessler on September 11, 2009


Unless your name is Rudy Giuliani, the mere mention of the word “September” alongside “11th” tends evoke the opposite of boastful self-importance in addition to the fresh memories of the plentiful horrors of that day in the minds of most Americans. The slightest hint of something being amiss on the tragic anniversary, even eight years after the horrendous attacks on the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and subsequent downing of flight 93 could put even the most stoic patriotic soul on high alert.
Earlier in the year an ill-conceived Air Force One fly by near the Statue of Liberty brought New Yorkers to the edge of paranoia, so you’d think the government would’ve learned their lesson when it comes to accidentally scaring the bejeezus out of it’s own people. The basic rule of thumb here would probably be no sudden moves and no unnecessary loud noises unless it’s for a previously sanctioned 21-gun salute in tribute to those fallen on that fateful day in 2001. Unfortunately, some of our own protective measures have a rather remedial learning curve, as evidenced by an odd incident that occurred this morning with the nation in the throes of remembrance.
With the President’s motorcade moving alongside the Potomac River en route to the Pentagon via the White House sometime around 10am, a coast guard ship patrolling said waterway was said to have engaged with a ‘suspicious’ boat by firing off ten rounds of warning shots. The U.S. Coast Guard maintains that no shots were fired, despite contrary reports that it was merely a training exercise–a ‘training exercise’ that resulted in the halting of departures from Reagan National Airport as a safety precaution.
The move basically begs the question, “a training exercise on 9/11?” Whose bright idea was that and how can we ensure that they have no plans to be anywhere near Pearl Harbor on December 7th of this year?  Something smells a tad bit fishy in those Potomac waters today.



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Laura Bush Flexes Conservative Muscle

Posted by evankessler on September 8, 2009

President Obama inherited a lot of undesirable elements from the previous presidential administration: two wars; a flailing economy; and a sizeable debt– to name just a few.  While Dubya (a.k.a. he of the frequent comically inept quote) has yet to offer so much as a whimper of an apology for putting the next President into such a politically precarious situation, The Decider’s legacy as a generally crappy decision maker has been overshadowed by his party’s quest to vilify any and all suggestions the current President makes in the attempt to get us out of this mess.
Granted, not all of President Obama’s decisions have been golden eggs, but the dude is trying.  Unfortunately, partisan politics seems to follow him at every turn, whether he’s being labeled “the great indoctrinator” for trying to merely tell kids to stay in school or a “socialist” for his attempt to (gasp) get people cheaper health care.  As the President continues to dodge slanderous projectiles from the extreme right and even extreme left, he’s finally found himself some conservative support from the unlikeliest of places–the wife of the man who got us into a good deal of this mess. 

Laura Bush–stepping out of her Stepford mansion and onto the small screen– has come out with more than a few kind words in support of the current president.  In a recent interview with CNN, Mrs. Decider offered up her opinion of her husband’s successor, saying that she thought Obama was doing a good job under the circumstances (which may or may not be code for George says, “my bad”).  She also went on to criticize the partisan nature of Washington, defending the President’s speech to schoolchildren, suggesting that parents should learn from his example and “encourage their own children to stay in school and to study hard and to try to achieve the dream that they have.”

Now if we could only get the rest of the President’s detractors to agree with the controversial statement that “staying in school and getting an education is important”, then we might finally be onto something.  Keep up the good work Laura, you continue plugging literacy and we’ll keep reading and writing.

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Wal-mart Monster Strikes

Posted by evankessler on September 3, 2009

Kids are like puppies. They can be cute, cuddly, adorable, and fun to play fetch with.  On the flipside, they can also be horrendously annoying; sometimes they even cry and whine for no apparent reason at ear shattering volumes. While the latter characteristics may make them none too appealing to be around–especially if you don’t have to be– it’s important to realize that they are but delicate beings just starting out in this vicious cycle of life, the same way you once were.  So if you ever find yourself in a public place with one who just can’t control their “waa” reflex, we suggest you show some understanding and don’t take your cues from the likes of Roger Stephens.
The 61-year old Atlanta area curmudgeon deserves to be paraded around with a dunce cap (and much worse) as yet another of the perplexed platoon of Wal-mart shoppers.  The crotchety customer became so incensed at the noise pollution being offered by a 2-year old that rather than walk away to a quieter area, he took it upon himself to levy a threat on the child’s mother somewhere along the lines of, “If you don’t shut the baby up, I will shut her up for you.”  Stephens followed through on his promise to slap the child silly, failing to realize that it would probably make the problem worse and constitute possibly the worst kind of assault–assault on a defenseless child.
The senseless coward is now being held without bond at an area jail.  While we’re not ultimately sure what his sentence will be, might we recommend chaining him to the radiator in at room full of crying children for about two years.

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Every Sperm is Sacred to Duggar Family

Posted by evankessler on September 1, 2009

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (and probably The Bible) it’s that every sperm is sacred–great even. If any of those sperm gets wasted god gets quite irate. But at what point do little bundles of joy you create stop being bundles of joy and start just being time consuming things you start referring to as “hey kid.”  For John and Kate Gosselin the number was somewhere between two and eight when they decided all of those kids were cutting into their Vegas and “The View” hosting time.  However, as the saying goes, it’s diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks and for the Duggars, the effing nymphomaniacs of TLC’s17 Kids and Counting,” 18 is simply not enough.  Despite the fact that they probably couldn’t list off all of their kids under 60 seconds without forgetting a few, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar have just announced that they their happy northwest Arkansas home has a 19th refusal to use birth control on the way.   With 18 other kids ranging in age from 0-21 and a grandie down the pipe, it’s unlikely they’ll stop mass producing until they are recognized as their own sovereign industrialized nation whose chief export is touching reality show moments. By 2016 they’re even expected to field a top flight Olympic squad in time for that year’s Summer Games at an as yet undetermined site.  Go for the gold Duggars!  And while you’re at it…go for #20!


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Flu-Shaped Asteroid About to Hit U.S.

Posted by evankessler on August 25, 2009

When the best case scenario for this thing we call life is the fact that we’re all gonna die someday, it seems kinda pointless to pay attention to the worst case scenario– which is something along the lines of “we’re all going to die in the next three minutes!” Fortunately, the latter of those two scenarios usually only threatens to rear it’s ugly head in the form of nuclear warfare, alien invasion or anything that occurred in a film released during the summer blockbuster seasons of the mid-to-late 1990’s. Today, however, the White House (after a viewing of the 1995 film Outbreak) stoked the fires of doomsday as though a giant pig-shaped asteroid were hurtling towards Washington DC.
The President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology announced that 30,000 to 90,000 people could conceivably die of Swine Flu, more than doubling the yearly average of flu season fatalities. Health and Human Services  Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and company are doing their damnedest to just kinda let us know that we could end up in the hospital– or worse, dead– by years end. Probably neither, but it’s totally a possibility.
So OneRiot readers, we remind you that if you’re feeling funny, be afraid or at least be cautious. And if you kinda feel sick, go to a doctor. In closing we’d like to thank the White House for transforming our state of blissful ignorance on matters of the inevitable into our current state of hypochondria. Maybe now we’ll feel motivated to get more done seeing as we might go at any moment.

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Venezuela Trumps Them All

Posted by evankessler on August 24, 2009

It had all of the ingredients of an elegant Donald Trump bash; Eighty-three exotic women from all over the world paraded around the stage at the Atlantis Resort and Casino in the Bahamas, alternating between swimsuits and night gowns as Billy Bush pretended to be interested in their answers to questions pertaining to womens lib and other pressing issues of the day, whilst simultaneously staring at their chests.  Yes, it was called the Miss Universe Pageant and it couldn’t have been more classy had Heidi Montag not been performing her new un-hit single “Body Language.” Yes,all the stars were there…including Dean Cain.
For these lifelong pageant hopefuls, years of preparation and layers upon layers of makeup had all been leading up this moment; the moment one of them would be chosen to wear the Miss Universe crown so that they could travel around the world for one whole year,gracefully waving to strangers before eventually falling victim to a life of sex slavery, hosting Entertainment Tonight, or better yet–  a career in Telenovelas.
When the dust settled and all was said and done, Miss Venezuela- Stefanía Fernández– was the one everyone was calling the most beautiful girl in the Universe. The win marked the second straight year Venezuela took the crown, proving that despite our nation’s view of him as being kind of a dictatorial douche, Hugo Chavez is pretty lucky for getting to live in Venezuela.

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Racial Profiling Strikes Again

Posted by evankessler on August 17, 2009

me don, shah rukh don!

Image by grand.jeté via Flickr

Racial Profiling has been a longstanding tradition in the United States of America. If you’re brown and weren’t in the movie Slumdog Millionaire odds are someone in a position of authority thinks you’reeither a terrorist, a burglar hell bent on ransacking the homes of prominent Harvard Professors, or worse, a socialist Nazi who wants to turn us all into a helpless gaggle of able bodied citizens with guaranteed health care.  The African-American population could tell you some stories over a beer with the President if you’d like.

Tradition aside, it had seemed like the practice of profiling had died down over the past few weeks in the wake of some sort of controversial incident in Massachusetts of which we’re totally unaware of the specifics.  Leave it to the great state of New Jersey to bring back a grand ol’ tradition in style just in time for torrid news period that is the month of August. Over the weekend the vigilant officials at Newark Airport (i.e. The Center of the Universe) had their suspicions trained on one particular passenger.  Maybe it was the movie star good looks of Shah Rukh Khan that caught their eye, or his Muslim name, or the fact that he knew he had that certain something–that certain something that screams I’m either a really big star or I want to probably kill a lot of people, people who are currently asking for my autograph. Unfortunately for the Newark Airport officials, they would come to find out it was the former.
Shah Rukh Khan, one of the biggest actors in Bollywood currently on the road promoting a film about the racial profiling of Indian Muslims after 9/11, was ironically detained and questioned as part of a “secondary inspection” for over one hour by airport authorities  who subsequently found out that he was not planning on doing evil (unless his latest film ends up being a bomb).

The false detainment has caused a good level of embarrassment for the US and outrage from Indians, some of whom called for retaliation against the likes of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on their twitter accounts. Ambassador Timothy J. Roemer
attempted to appease those outraged by stating that Khan was a “global icon” and a “very welcome guest in the United States.” As a further goodwill gesture he offered the Indian government Carrot Top provided they lock him up and throw away the key.

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The “Squeaky” Wheel Gets Greased from Prison

Posted by evankessler on August 14, 2009

There are bad months and then there are BAD MONTHS.  In September 1975, then President Gerald Ford had a BAD MONTH when he was met by not one, but two potential lady assassins in a 15-day span.  While showing obvious holes in Secret Service protection neither proved themselves as handy with a firearm as say, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wilkes- Boothe, or even John Hinckley.  The first, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme’s gun did not go off while Sarah Jane Moore ended up getting
wrestled to the ground before inflicting only the slightest damage on a nearby cab driver.

Since mother nature eventually finished off the job on the former President Ford in a more natural manner in December of 2006, both of his potential executioners have since washed up on the shores of freedom.  Sarah Jane Moore had her life sentence commuted in 2007 and today Squeaky Fromme, former member of Charles Manson‘s motley crew of murderously insane followers will bask in the glow of sunshine outside the walls of prison after 34 long years.  Despite a relatively sordid
and violent prison past including attacking another inmate with a hammer back in 1979 and an escape from prison camp back in 1987, the Squeaky wheel has greased herself out of the joint.  Let’s just hope she doesn’t show up at any town hall meetings or request any conjugal visits with her helter skelter daddy.


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