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The Evan Kessler None-On-One Interview: Part Deux

Posted by evankessler on February 2, 2011

Two and a half years ago I stumbled upon a most interesting interview with the American blogger and humorist Evan J. Kessler. The subject managed to be charming and caustic all at once, whilst maintaining an air of sophistication and good humor throughout our time together. It was one of the best, if not the best interview I’ve ever had the pleasure of conducting. Not only did it teach me to be on my toes in terms of unexpected aggression, but it also showed me that the span of one conversation could be so wrought with peaks and valleys that it enlightened my own study of the human character– proving that it is indeed possible to display delightful rapier wit and be a conceited, insufferable bore in simultaneous fashion. Having suffered the slings and arrows of less bipolar interviews as of late, I felt as though my interviewing talents had slipped. I decided to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak, to hone my craft as the world’s master inquisitor.

Evan Kessler was not an easy man to find this time around. He had forsaken the comfort of a cozy Brooklyn coffee shop for the distant shores of the Island of Cuervo Nation, a brutal dictatorship ruled with an iron fist by the promise of endless amounts of tequila and the mantra “what happens on the Island of Cuervo Nation…”

I had to grease the gears with that nation’s ambassador with the promise of body shots and a bag of limes just to locate Mr. Kessler; Nevermind what I had to do to get a visa.Finally, after a convoluted customs process where an official’s plant of a bottle of Patrón nearly got me deported, I was able to step foot on the white, sandy beaches and approach the front of the villa where I spied my interview subject.  The fond memories of our previous exchange came flooding back to me like the kick from an irate mule. While his bulging manliness and virility were not as apparent throughout the course of this interview, the subject did manage to make frequent references to his impressive sportscar collection.

EVANKESSLER.COM: You’d never believe what I had to go through to find where you were.

Evan Kessler: I’m sure it was well worth it. I have a Porsche.

EK.com: I can’t imagine it comes in handy all that often. This entire island is lacking in basic infrastructure. I don’t see any roads.

EK: Well, where we’re going we don’t need roads.

EK.com: Where are we going?

EK: If I had my druthers we wouldn’t be going anywhere and you’d be drowning in the ocean.

EK.com: I’m actually a very good swimmer.

EK: So are sharks.

I just don’t think we should rule out wolf semen as a viable option for the next biofuel frontier…”

EK.com: So what has Evan Kessler been up to for the past two and a half years?

EK: Well, Evan Kessler has been doing his part to make the world a better place, mostly with his global campaign to stop unnecessary ceiling fan mutilations. Far too often a tall person will be carrying someone on their shoulders and enter a room with a ceiling fan, resulting in severe lacerations and sometimes decapitation. We need to do our part to ensure that central air conditioning is present in every home throughout the world, or at least everyone has access to one of those plastic hand-held, battery-powered fans.

EK.com: But don’t children often cut up their tongues on those as well?

EK: We can’t afford to nitpick here. There’s a huge difference between children with cut up tongues and children and adults without heads. I’d like to think the importance of this issue is on par with the removal of landmines in Southeast Asia, but all of my attempted correspondence with Angelina Jolie seems to suggest otherwise. The  People Against Continued Fan In Ceiling Mutilations or PACFICM (pronounced Pacifism) will press on in our attempts to make this an issue at the next U.N. Security Council Meeting.

Ultimately, it was a question of face tattoo or no face tattoo?

EK.com: Moving on…

EK: I’ll move on when you find something more important than ceiling fan mutilations, which will most certainly be never.

EK.com: Your hair has been described by some as splendorous jewfro, curl heaven, and a stylist’s wet dream.

EK: First off, I implore you to keep your genitalia as far away as possible from my hair. I’m assuming that last “stylist’s wet dream” bit came from you; you can always tell where the perversion is coming from.  But I also gladly accept your praise upon my locks, couple all of those hair compliments with the fact that I own a Ferrari Testarossa and I become downright irresistible. I’ve been blessed by the hair god Peleos with the appropriate amount of curvature on each individual protein-laden strand and I couldn’t be more pleased. Still while the compliments you listed are wonderful in their own right they fail to encompass the greatness of that which rests atop my head and peaks out from under my skin in its attempt to take over other body parts.

“She was the most beautiful girl in the world. The fact that she was also a three-time National Laser Tag Champion was just gravy…

EK.com: Have you ever been in love?

EK: I’m not wearing any underwear right now, if that’s what you mean. Why don’t we go somewhere more comfortable, the pool sound alright?

At this point we took a brief stroll through the sand dunes into a lightly wooded area where a house with a pool appeared seemingly out of nowhere. We were seated and reassumed our interview position shortly thereafter.

EK.com: So have you ever been in love?

EK: Love is a four-letter word.

EK.com: Are you implying that the suggestion of finding love at this point in your life is a profane one?

EK: No, I’m merely pointing out that I have basic skills in both reading an mathematics that I sometimes use in concert to state the obvious. You have two legs, and most likely an asshole, but the two legs don’t characterize you as well as the asshole does. See, I’m doing it again.

 

I keep watching the trailer and for the life of me I still can’t figure out why or how the Smurfs would end up in New York City.

EK.com: Were you hugged enough as a child?

EK: Hugged, no. Lovingly caressed, most definitely.

EK.com: When you die, how would you like to be remembered?

EK: When I die in 2031 from a fatal re-entry into the planet Earth, the result of shuttle sabotage carried out by a rogue confederate space agent, I will most definitely be remembered by the vast library of priceless reality show moments from my hit QVC dating series “7 Minutes with Evan.” However, I’d like to be remembered as the inspiration for the aptly-named town King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.

“…I believe in evolution, but I also believe that God created sheep to distract farmers...

EK.com: Do you have royal lineage that you’ve yet to make us aware of?

EK: Well, I’m pretty sure I’m a few days away from being crowned the King of the Island of Cuervo Nation which I will then rename Prussia. So, I just want to let the kids out there know, there’s always a roundabout way to achieve your goals.

EK.com: That’s not exactly an inspiring thought.

EK: Fine, you want an inspirational soundbite. How’s this: “If at first you don’t achieve, make up your own rules and tell everyone you planned it that way all along.”

EK.com: I suppose that will convince someone to stay off drugs and succeed.

EK: Look, you want a role model go talk to one of the QBs in the Super Bowl. Me, I’m just a guy who watches the Super Bowl and roots for the team with the least amount of rapists.

EK.com: Well at least we know you’re on the right side of the law.

EK: Well, I wouldn’t say that. If you take a look at the mattresses in my house you’ll notice more than a few tags missing. That’s why I found my way to the Island of Cuervo Nation– always on the lam.  But life is good here, there’s free health care.

EK.com: Really, the Island of Cuervo Nation engages in socialized medicine.

EK: Well, there’s a first-aid kit behind every bar and plenty of tequila to sterilize wounds.

“You may say ‘liverwurst’, but I say ‘liverbest’...

 

EK.com: So do you see yourself going back to the United States anytime soon?

EK: Well that all depends on how things shake out. Me, I’m hoping to stay here for a while, meet a nice Cuervonese girl, get hitched during a traditional Island ceremony involving body shots and vomiting into the Caribbean (or whatever damned body of water this is) and have a few kick ass hot tub parties before moving back to the land of repression and honey.

EK.com: Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out.

EK:  I’ve got it figured out like a fat kid who loves cake hasn’t figured out he/she’s going to die of a coronary at a fairly young age. So, I guess I’ve got it figured out to a fairly high degree unless that kid’s parents are nutritionists and the he/she is just gorging on desserts to get back at them for some other form of mistreatment. In that case, I haven’t got a fucking clue.

EK.com: Right, well it’s been wonderful. I have to say it was fully worth tracking you down.

EK: I know.

EK.com: So, that’s it then?

EK: You’re the interviewer, it’s over when you’re out of questions.

EK.com: What do you think about Sa…

EK: No. I changed my mind. This interview’s over. I’m going to spend the rest of my day listening to satellite radio in my Lamborghini. I hope you find your way home either by plane or pine box, I’m outta here.

THE END

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Posted in blogging, Celebrity, guerrilla interview, humor | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Portman Announcement Hits Reshuffle Button on Delusional Male Fantasies

Posted by evankessler on December 27, 2010

The hopes and dreams of millions of men who harbored the delusion that one day they might have a shot at love with the decidedly un-Tila Tequila-esque Natalie Portman, took a major hit this morning when it was announced that the soon-to-be Oscar-nominated actress is both engaged and pregnant (no word on whether she’s currently barefoot). The Professional actress has long been the celebrity object of affection for a large portion of the male population who always took the fact that her relationship status was never in the public eye, as a sign that she was single and just waiting for the right normal guy to come along. The news comes at an especially difficult time, as Ms. Portman’s most recent performance in Darren Aronofsky‘s psychosexual thriller, Black Swan, seemed to suggest that she might be willing to partake in another vaunted male fantasy, having a threesome with another girl–say Mila Kunis.

With that no longer being the case, a cold winter’s day has just gotten a little colder, as an international day of male mourning has been unofficially declared. It’s been an especially tough year for the unrealistic male sexual fantasy as Megan Fox, Kristen Bell, and now Natalie Portman are officially off the market. The spate of soul crushing weddings (to Brian Austin Green and Dax Shephard, no less) and engagements has sent many a man back into his cave to reshuffle his female celebrity wishlist for 2011 and beyond. The list, which is expected to resemble Maxim’s Hot 100 minus all of the married people with babies, should go something like this (not all 100, just 10):

10. Miss Yvonne- With the re-emergence of Pee Wee’s Playhouse on Broadway this year, our love for “The Most Beautiful Woman in all of Puppetland” was re-kindled. Now we just have to wait for Cowboy Curtis to grow tired of her.

9. Elisha Cuthbert- This 24 and The Girl Next Door star doesn’t seem quite as relevant right now, but that doesn’t mean she’s not involved in lots of daydreams that don’t involve being stuck on a hill with a Puma. Downside, she only dates hockey players. Upside, you’re local semipro league team has a few open slots whether you can skate or not.

8. Rachel BilsonThis former star of the O.C. disappeared from many male fantasy lists after her engagement to Hayden Christensen. That whole thing isn’t going on anymore, so that’s good. Now she just has to be in another movie or TV show so we could remember what she looks like.

7. Eva Mendes- She kinda just seems cool. Am I wrong for thinking that? We would totally get along.

6. Alison BrieOne of the stars of NBC’s pitch-perfect NBC comedy,
“Community,”Alison has comedic chops and is kind of adorable She effectively taps into the “hey this could totally happen” portion of our brain. Also, for people who liked Portman because they could take her home to their Jewish mom, you won’t have to convince Ms. Brie to convert.

5. Olivia Wilde– I didn’t see that new Tron movie on account that I knew it would suck, but I thought about it after seeing Olivia Wilde in the trailer. Good thing I can always watch her for free on that House, M.D. show. You know, the show where the British guy with the good fake American accent improbably saves the patient with a mysterious ailment by breaking all the rules. Also, bonus points for Olivia for changing her last name from the ferociously unattractive Cockburn.

4. Jennifer Aniston- One of the most famous people in the world at one point; she is quietly hoping that “love happens” to her, making this a totally fathomable possibility. Nothing goes as long a way towards turning fantasy into reality like desperation over a ticking biological clock .  This is totally the part where you swoop in. Caution: She wants babies now, but you could probably string her along until you’re ready.

3.  Jocelyn Wildenstein- She may be totally freaky looking, but at least she gives out Snickers on Halloween.

2. Emma Watson– We all felt like kiddie porn-ogling perverts when we first found this Harry Potter star to be gaining in attractiveness. Then we realized she’s actually of age. Phew.

1. Scarlett Johansson– I’ve never been the biggest Scarlet Johansson booster. I mean an album of Tom Waits covers? If that doesn’t scream pretension then I don’t know what does. I just feel like your musical debut should at least have some of your own songs. But this isn’t totally about me, it’s about men everywhere harboring delusions, and now that she’s back on the market, she’s going to need some comforting. Gentlemen, start your imaginations!

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Every Mel Gibson Sperm is Sacred

Posted by evankessler on November 9, 2009

Mel Gibson's mugshot from his 28 July 2006 arr...

Image via Wikipedia

Everyone loves when celebrities have babies. It offers us solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence, as evidenced by the alternate dimension they seem to pull their newborn’s names from.

In what world is Pilot Inspektor deemed a proper thing to call a little boy, or a little girl Moxie CrimeFighter? Having a famous parent will most certainly assure you a difficult upbringing based solely on others disbelief that yes, your name is actually Audio Science.Sometimes the names are so bizarre they start trending on the real-time web. It happened recently when Nicole Richie and Joel Madden welcomed their first son Sparrow James Midnight Madden.

One thing’s for sure, somewhere in the near future there’s bound to be an upper echelon boarding school with an entire classroom full of children named after inanimate objects, ultimately making an English teacher’s job of defining a proper noun utterly impossible. Until that day we wait for those inanimate objects to be born into this world and named after Desk Lamp and Dictionary.

The latest celebrity to sire a potential oddly-named offspring is Mel Gibson, along with his Russian Girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Unfortunately, Mel has kept things pretty regular with seven other kids sporting earthly monikers like Hannah, Edward, and Tommy. The Braveheart star has done an excellent job of bucking the popular Hollywood trend yet again, as his eighth child-like creation comes with the acceptably normal handle of Lucia.

While we’re disappointed at Gibson’s inability to shock with his baby-naming skills, we guess his other forms of insanity will have to suffice for now. Still, it’s more fun to ask what if?  As in, what if Mel Gibson let his celebrity insanity carry over to his children by way of bestowing some oddball names on the boys and girls that he calls his sons and daughters? What could he have come up with?  So in honor of Gibson’s 8 children we here at OneRiot present you with Top 8 alternative crazy Mel Gibson baby names.

1. Sugartits Plum Fairy Gibson- Mel Gibson obviously has respect for females. Otherwise he wouldn’t have knocked up his wife seven times and drunkenly referred to the cop that pulled him over for DUI as “Sugartits.” Sugartits alone sounds a little crass to name a baby girl, but by taking after Bob Geldof who just seems to adorn birth names with plenty of pretty words, Plum Fairy should make little SugarT a rather precious addition to the family tree.

2. Riggs Murtaugh Gibson- Named after his and Danny Glover’s characters in the Lethal Weapon series, this name sets an example of racial tolerance.  If Riggs and Murtaugh could work together to bring down Apartheid in Lethal Weapon 2, then the world can be a better place if we all work together regardless of race…unless Jews get in the way.  Because according to Gibson the Jews are responsible for starting all wars.

3. The Boy Without A Face Gibson- One day that boy will grow up to be a “The Man Without a Face…Gibson”.

4. Office Max There can only be one Mad Max.  Mel names one son Office Max so he realizes he is predestined to run the business side of Icon Productions.

5. Another Hero Gibson- Despite Tina Turner’s contention on the Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome soundtrack that “we don’t need another hero” Mel Gibson makes sure we have got one.

6.  Malibu Gibson-
Even if Mel Gibson’s claims to own all of Malibu were not true…had he named one of his daughters this he’d now be able to claim that without him there’d be no Malibu.

7. Passion of the Christ Gibson- Mel gives the name of his greatest labor of love to a result of hours of laborious lovemaking.

8. Maverick Braveheart Gibson- Mixing these two key Gibson roles would make for one of the most audacious naming attempts in celebrity history.  Suck on that Pilot Inspektor.

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MJ Memorial to Heal the World

Posted by evankessler on July 7, 2009

Michael Jackson's Memorial Service at Staples ...

Image by cattias.photos via Flickr

The world is at a standstill today and Los Angeles is it’s epicenter as close to a billion people worldwide have stopped in their tracks and glued themselves to their television sets or to chairs at the Staples Center to remember one of the great artists of all time with a memorial tribute to Michael Jackson.  Such a momentous occasion is this celebration of the life of The King of Pop that even MTV has got in on the act,  putting a halt to it’s regularly scheduled programming consisting of teenagers getting drunk and trying to hook up with each other indiscriminantly, to join more respectable entertainment outletssuch as CNN and BET to cover the heart-wrenching, celebrity-ridden tribute from the eloquent perspective of Sway.

News coverage has been vigilant to say the least, following everything via helicopter from the private service at Forest Lawn Cemetery to an OJ-style aerial shot of the hearse transporting the body of MJ to the event. It’s pandemonium on a Princess Di level and truly a fitting tribute for a guy who we called a King that was prone to dressing like some sort of Civil War Admiral.

Today, we truly are the world, and we are the children of the music of Michael Jackson. And when this whole damn star- studded thing is over, we’ll have to get back to our normal lives with the knowledge that none of us are “Invincible”, but also
that we must do our part to heal the world and make it a better place– because that’s what Michael would want us to do.

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The Most Disappointing 15 Minutes of Fame Ever

Posted by evankessler on June 29, 2009

Eleven-Year Old Harvey Kindlon was so close! He managed to get within feet of uber-beauty of the moment Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers 2, when his well-documented quest to give her a yellow rose was stymied by the flashbulbs of photo hounds from the UK’s trashiest rags.  It seemed all was well that ended well though, as the aptly-named Ms. Fox had seen a photo of the boy pathetically longing in the not-so-distance and issued an apology, noting that ignoring such a doting fan was very unlike her.

In an effort to remedy the situation, Kodak put a down payment on Kindlon’s future as a stalker, by flying the boy out to New York for a second chance at an encounter with the object of his affection and ex-fiancee of Brian Austin Green. It seemed that the stars were perfectly aligned for their whirlwind romance to begin as the sexy M.F. was slated to appear on “The Today Show” on Friday in New York, and the boy would finally be able to shower the star with canary-colored petals.

Alas, if we’ve learned nothing from Bret Michaels, it’s that every rose, indeed, has it’s thorn.  With the sudden death of the King of Pop occurring Thursday, Fox’s appearance was scrapped from the today show and Kindlon’s dreams were subsequently deflated in one fell swoop.  The starlet never entered the gravitational pull of the city that never sleeps, as she
was whisked back to her home in Hollywood, leaving one sad little boy who will most likely learn that he’ll continually be disappointed in his relationships with women if he doesn’t lower his standards.  In a related story, I’ve yet to have that personal political summit with Natalie Portman I’ve been requesting for years.

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Iran Loses Out To Human Nature

Posted by evankessler on June 26, 2009

United 4 Iran Global Day of Action

Image by nuztorad via Flickr

Over the past two weeks the people of Iran and their struggles have been at the center of not only the regular world, but also the Internet world.  Not a day went by in which the topic of Iran wasn’t trending on OneRiot’s real-time search engine. Internet users made no secret of their solidarity with their Iranian counterparts as they struggled against the brute force of tyranny and those clinging to antiquated beliefs on a government’s relationship and responsibility to its subjects.

The story was alternately harrowing and inspiring and is most likely still in full swing.  However, with the recent passing of the King of Pop, all interest seems to have waned from the heroic and heartbreaking saga unfolding in that region of the world. Instead, the world has pretty much frozen in its tracks in order to fish out the lyrics for “Man In The Mirror” and reminisce about the first time they saw the “Thriller” video.

The news networks have dropped the election story like a “Bad” habit chalking up the victory of Ahmadinejad to the work of a “Smooth Criminal” and more or less figuring the Ayatollah‘s rule as “Invincible.” Perhaps, Iran has forgotten about their rebellion as well. Maybe all of the protesters have banded together and are currently swaying, vowing to “make a change for once in my life.” They’ve probably stopped posting youtube videos and tweeting about their protests to get the juicy details of the King of Autopsies.

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The Borderline Eloquence of The New York Post

Posted by evankessler on June 26, 2009

With yesterday’s sudden passing of world Pop icon Michael Jackson (a.k.a The King of Pop), there was much speculation as to how the classy semi-informational sensationalistic news rag otherwise known as the New York Post would handle the subsequent headline covering the story.  Would they have an attack of tastefulness and write something like “Death of An Icon: Michael Jackson 1958-2009” or would they simply rehash the old favorite, “Wacko Jacko on His Backo”?  Personally, I was thinking they’d go somewhere along the lines of “King of Pop, Snaps Then Crackles” or “Wacko Jacko Moonwalks To Heaven.”   However, when I first walked by a newstand late this morning I was somewhat shocked to see what they had come up with.  It seems the headline geniuses at the New York Post found a way to skirt the line between classy and tabloid without hitting either mark with the following:

MJPopDead

I stood at the bold fonted “DEAD” staring me in the face and thought, “Really?  That’s all you’ve got?”  This is not the New York Post I’ve grown to have moderate affection for on a day to day basis, based solely on what terrific pun they’ve come up with on any given Monday through Sunday.  This cover neither wore a tuxedo or lived in a trailer park…it just sort of looked as though it had witnessed a car accident.  Though, I guess in some way shape or form that’s what a lot of America was feeling at the time they heard of Michael Jackson’s death.  So, I guess it perfectly encapsulated the “holy shit” nature of it all.

That being said, I would’ve loved to have been privy to that meeting where whoever engages in the headline discussion tossed out their top picks for the front page, I’m sure there must’ve been some gems left on the cutting room floor.  If only we knew what they were.

Posted in Celebrity, Media, Pop Culture | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

The Last Hi-Ooooh!

Posted by evankessler on June 23, 2009

Ed McMahon at Red Square in Mandalay Bay.

Image via Wikipedia

Over the years, we like to think we had a very personal relationship with Johnny Carson’s longtime Tonight Show sidekick, Ed McMahon.  He sent us hundreds of letters telling us that we might have already won millions upon millions of dollars, and each time  we’d respond with a personal letter of thanks  to Ed along with an affixed sticker alerting him that we’d love a discounted subscription to Field & Stream.

Without fail, he would always write back with another opportunity to win even more money. While we never actually won those millions of dollars Ed tried to hook us up with, we feel like we really got to know the guy behind the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes.  So it was with a heavy heart this morning when we here at OneRiot walked to our mailbox only to find no letter from Ed.

We knew something was amiss and when we finally logged into our interweb connection, we saw why.  Eddie Mac had passed away and with him our champagne wishes and caviar dreams. We hoped the news wasn’t true, but alas this was no TV blooper or practical joke.

Ed was more than just a locked gateway to our wildest cash-fueled fantasies. So in our hour of sadness we reminisce about the career of one Ed McMahon. Ed wasn’t just JC’s four-eyed, joke-affirming sidekick. Ed was his own man.  Ed was a voice, a voice that cried out, “Heeeeere’s Jonny,” “Yes,” and “You are correct, sir.”  He was also a top talent scout, discovering such luminaries as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera in their early years and rating them on simple star scale that catapulted them to the celebrity status they own today.

Ed was a lover, a fighter and ultimately an esteemed announcer, and in honor of his passing we think it’s time to let out one last hearty “Hi-oooooh!” in the old man’s honor. There you have it Ed.  Rest in peace.

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Distressed Perez Seeks Attention, Police?

Posted by evankessler on June 22, 2009

 

It was a dark and stormy night out in Toronto and in the life of rumor monger and new media mogul Perez Hilton.  The gossip queen whose tremendous wit is at it’s height when he is drawing penises on the faces of photos of celebrities, was met with a cruel form of un-ironic comeuppance when someone struck him with something other than ascribbled phallus. The whole thing allegedly “got started (retarded)” when Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am told the saboteur of Miss California’s pageant dreams, to not write about his band on his infamous site . This request was apparently followed by a bit of an alleged drubbing at the hand (or fists) of the band’s manager Polo Molina.

Rather than seek the immediate assistance of police or medical staff, the bloodied blogger did what comes naturally to most attention whores; he tweeted about the incident.  Surely, someone in his band of one million plus merry followers on the micro-blogging site must have had the capability to contact authorities and alert them to his cry of “I’m in shock.  I need the police ASAP.  Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.”  Unfortunately, Sting and his former bandmates were nowhere near Toronto at the time and Hilton had to eventually settle for Mounties whom he later learned had taken so long to arrive because they were not following him on twitter.   They followed up their investigation of the incident by showing the distressed cewebrity how to use a phone.

 

 

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A Funny Thing That Was Completely Lost On Me Until Several Seconds Ago

Posted by evankessler on June 21, 2009

Madonna is dating someone named Jesus and she’s old enough to be his mother.
madonna-jesus-luz-dinner-date

A little bit biblical…a little bit Oedipal. A lot ridiculous.

Posted in Celebrity, elderly | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »