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Evan Kessler Tumblrs 4 Ya

Posted by evankessler on February 6, 2012

Okay, I haven’t totally forsaken the wordpress format, I guess, but I have moved a significant amount of my goings on to a Tumblr site. So check me out over there.

Posted in blogging, Branding | Leave a Comment »

The Evan Kessler None-On-One Interview: Part Deux

Posted by evankessler on February 2, 2011

Two and a half years ago I stumbled upon a most interesting interview with the American blogger and humorist Evan J. Kessler. The subject managed to be charming and caustic all at once, whilst maintaining an air of sophistication and good humor throughout our time together. It was one of the best, if not the best interview I’ve ever had the pleasure of conducting. Not only did it teach me to be on my toes in terms of unexpected aggression, but it also showed me that the span of one conversation could be so wrought with peaks and valleys that it enlightened my own study of the human character– proving that it is indeed possible to display delightful rapier wit and be a conceited, insufferable bore in simultaneous fashion. Having suffered the slings and arrows of less bipolar interviews as of late, I felt as though my interviewing talents had slipped. I decided to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak, to hone my craft as the world’s master inquisitor.

Evan Kessler was not an easy man to find this time around. He had forsaken the comfort of a cozy Brooklyn coffee shop for the distant shores of the Island of Cuervo Nation, a brutal dictatorship ruled with an iron fist by the promise of endless amounts of tequila and the mantra “what happens on the Island of Cuervo Nation…”

I had to grease the gears with that nation’s ambassador with the promise of body shots and a bag of limes just to locate Mr. Kessler; Nevermind what I had to do to get a visa.Finally, after a convoluted customs process where an official’s plant of a bottle of Patrón nearly got me deported, I was able to step foot on the white, sandy beaches and approach the front of the villa where I spied my interview subject.  The fond memories of our previous exchange came flooding back to me like the kick from an irate mule. While his bulging manliness and virility were not as apparent throughout the course of this interview, the subject did manage to make frequent references to his impressive sportscar collection.

EVANKESSLER.COM: You’d never believe what I had to go through to find where you were.

Evan Kessler: I’m sure it was well worth it. I have a Porsche.

EK.com: I can’t imagine it comes in handy all that often. This entire island is lacking in basic infrastructure. I don’t see any roads.

EK: Well, where we’re going we don’t need roads.

EK.com: Where are we going?

EK: If I had my druthers we wouldn’t be going anywhere and you’d be drowning in the ocean.

EK.com: I’m actually a very good swimmer.

EK: So are sharks.

I just don’t think we should rule out wolf semen as a viable option for the next biofuel frontier…”

EK.com: So what has Evan Kessler been up to for the past two and a half years?

EK: Well, Evan Kessler has been doing his part to make the world a better place, mostly with his global campaign to stop unnecessary ceiling fan mutilations. Far too often a tall person will be carrying someone on their shoulders and enter a room with a ceiling fan, resulting in severe lacerations and sometimes decapitation. We need to do our part to ensure that central air conditioning is present in every home throughout the world, or at least everyone has access to one of those plastic hand-held, battery-powered fans.

EK.com: But don’t children often cut up their tongues on those as well?

EK: We can’t afford to nitpick here. There’s a huge difference between children with cut up tongues and children and adults without heads. I’d like to think the importance of this issue is on par with the removal of landmines in Southeast Asia, but all of my attempted correspondence with Angelina Jolie seems to suggest otherwise. The  People Against Continued Fan In Ceiling Mutilations or PACFICM (pronounced Pacifism) will press on in our attempts to make this an issue at the next U.N. Security Council Meeting.

Ultimately, it was a question of face tattoo or no face tattoo?

EK.com: Moving on…

EK: I’ll move on when you find something more important than ceiling fan mutilations, which will most certainly be never.

EK.com: Your hair has been described by some as splendorous jewfro, curl heaven, and a stylist’s wet dream.

EK: First off, I implore you to keep your genitalia as far away as possible from my hair. I’m assuming that last “stylist’s wet dream” bit came from you; you can always tell where the perversion is coming from.  But I also gladly accept your praise upon my locks, couple all of those hair compliments with the fact that I own a Ferrari Testarossa and I become downright irresistible. I’ve been blessed by the hair god Peleos with the appropriate amount of curvature on each individual protein-laden strand and I couldn’t be more pleased. Still while the compliments you listed are wonderful in their own right they fail to encompass the greatness of that which rests atop my head and peaks out from under my skin in its attempt to take over other body parts.

“She was the most beautiful girl in the world. The fact that she was also a three-time National Laser Tag Champion was just gravy…

EK.com: Have you ever been in love?

EK: I’m not wearing any underwear right now, if that’s what you mean. Why don’t we go somewhere more comfortable, the pool sound alright?

At this point we took a brief stroll through the sand dunes into a lightly wooded area where a house with a pool appeared seemingly out of nowhere. We were seated and reassumed our interview position shortly thereafter.

EK.com: So have you ever been in love?

EK: Love is a four-letter word.

EK.com: Are you implying that the suggestion of finding love at this point in your life is a profane one?

EK: No, I’m merely pointing out that I have basic skills in both reading an mathematics that I sometimes use in concert to state the obvious. You have two legs, and most likely an asshole, but the two legs don’t characterize you as well as the asshole does. See, I’m doing it again.

 

I keep watching the trailer and for the life of me I still can’t figure out why or how the Smurfs would end up in New York City.

EK.com: Were you hugged enough as a child?

EK: Hugged, no. Lovingly caressed, most definitely.

EK.com: When you die, how would you like to be remembered?

EK: When I die in 2031 from a fatal re-entry into the planet Earth, the result of shuttle sabotage carried out by a rogue confederate space agent, I will most definitely be remembered by the vast library of priceless reality show moments from my hit QVC dating series “7 Minutes with Evan.” However, I’d like to be remembered as the inspiration for the aptly-named town King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.

“…I believe in evolution, but I also believe that God created sheep to distract farmers...

EK.com: Do you have royal lineage that you’ve yet to make us aware of?

EK: Well, I’m pretty sure I’m a few days away from being crowned the King of the Island of Cuervo Nation which I will then rename Prussia. So, I just want to let the kids out there know, there’s always a roundabout way to achieve your goals.

EK.com: That’s not exactly an inspiring thought.

EK: Fine, you want an inspirational soundbite. How’s this: “If at first you don’t achieve, make up your own rules and tell everyone you planned it that way all along.”

EK.com: I suppose that will convince someone to stay off drugs and succeed.

EK: Look, you want a role model go talk to one of the QBs in the Super Bowl. Me, I’m just a guy who watches the Super Bowl and roots for the team with the least amount of rapists.

EK.com: Well at least we know you’re on the right side of the law.

EK: Well, I wouldn’t say that. If you take a look at the mattresses in my house you’ll notice more than a few tags missing. That’s why I found my way to the Island of Cuervo Nation– always on the lam.  But life is good here, there’s free health care.

EK.com: Really, the Island of Cuervo Nation engages in socialized medicine.

EK: Well, there’s a first-aid kit behind every bar and plenty of tequila to sterilize wounds.

“You may say ‘liverwurst’, but I say ‘liverbest’...

 

EK.com: So do you see yourself going back to the United States anytime soon?

EK: Well that all depends on how things shake out. Me, I’m hoping to stay here for a while, meet a nice Cuervonese girl, get hitched during a traditional Island ceremony involving body shots and vomiting into the Caribbean (or whatever damned body of water this is) and have a few kick ass hot tub parties before moving back to the land of repression and honey.

EK.com: Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out.

EK:  I’ve got it figured out like a fat kid who loves cake hasn’t figured out he/she’s going to die of a coronary at a fairly young age. So, I guess I’ve got it figured out to a fairly high degree unless that kid’s parents are nutritionists and the he/she is just gorging on desserts to get back at them for some other form of mistreatment. In that case, I haven’t got a fucking clue.

EK.com: Right, well it’s been wonderful. I have to say it was fully worth tracking you down.

EK: I know.

EK.com: So, that’s it then?

EK: You’re the interviewer, it’s over when you’re out of questions.

EK.com: What do you think about Sa…

EK: No. I changed my mind. This interview’s over. I’m going to spend the rest of my day listening to satellite radio in my Lamborghini. I hope you find your way home either by plane or pine box, I’m outta here.

THE END

Posted in blogging, Celebrity, guerrilla interview, humor | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Evan Kessler: Amateur Graphic Designer

Posted by evankessler on December 9, 2010

Sometimes when an idea is living in your head you can’t help but have the need to render it a living, breathing thing. It’s that physical manifestation that makes it real–at least on paper. I’ve been batting around several creative ideas in my head the past few days that have brought about equal parts excitement and trepidation–ultimately deciding that one of them was in dire need of a logo. Rather than summon the assistance of my artistic friends, I chose to bring the vision out the way it was in my head, before anyone could get their greasy-yet-talented paws on it. Sure, someone will eventually have to revise it, as I used the crude downloadable tool known as “Paintbrush” to bring it to life. Luckily, the use of this primitive program didn’t fall prey to my shaky-handedness and came out about as good as it could have considering I was using the stone axe of the graphic design implements. I’m not going to go into details about the potential project now, as it’s a very tentative seedling implanted in the soil of my brain, but perhaps the water from my next shower will turn it into a sapling with strong roots. Plant-life metaphors aside, here’s the fruit of my branding and design labors. What do you think?

Posted in art, blogging, ideas | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

People I May Know?

Posted by evankessler on November 9, 2010

There’s a weird feeling of invasion of privacy every time I’m on certain Social Networking sites. It doesn’t stem from the fact that people can see what I’m up to or who I’m hanging out with. I like to think I do a pretty good job of keeping the things I want to keep private under wraps. The specific thing that crawls under my skin is when the social networks in question feel the need to suggest who I might want to be friends with or connected to. It’s as if this program is digging through the annals of my personal correspondence to exert influence on my life. I belong to certain social networks because I don’t find them too intrusive and they allow me certain controls, but once they start nudging me with friendship suggestions for people I once tried to buy a Wii from via Craigslist, they’ve ceased to be effective. Then there are those other suggestions where you don’t know where they come from, as evidenced by the screenshot below. Can you guess which one doesn’t belong?

Posted in blogging, Social Networking | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Bringing It All Back Home

Posted by evankessler on October 27, 2010

I had a bit of a shock yesterday. I was applying for two separate positions for pop culture blogger and media blogger at the New York Observer, when I went fishing for some links to old posts I did for OneRiot. Much to my surprise and chagrin, I  learned that the entire OneRiot blog had been expunged from the online universe. That meant a large number of my culture and current events portfolio pieces had been abruptly flushed down the drain of the world wide web.

Unfortunately, I had taken very few, if any, screen shots of these wonderful and relevant specimens of wit and writing ability. It was a crushing blow to my professional prospects, for when one sends out clips to a prospective employer, it’s best that these clips have a reputable label affixed to them. The OneRiot blog had been nominated for a South x Southwest award and had a reasonably slick design. In short, it was a lot more official looking than my personal blog.

Luckily, there is a thing called email. Seeing as I wasn’t authorized to access and post directly to the OneRiot blog myself, all of these posts had to be submitted via messages sent to my editors or by sharing on GoogleDocs. Although they may not currently live online in edited post form, they’re hidden in the dark recesses of my inbox and shared document folder.

In efforts to recreate the magic of these past posts, I shall be undertaking a massive reclamation project to make them live again online in the archives of EvanKessler.com. Each post will be accompanied by the OneRiot logo as seen below (usually in the upper right hand/left hand corner):

Let the process begin. This may or may not be a long slog.

Posted in blogging, OneRiot, work, writing | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Snack to Work

Posted by evankessler on October 26, 2010

Most people take great pains to make their workspace feel like their home away from home, putting up pictures of their favorite celebrities or artistic renderings. Not having been a workplace regular over the past few years, my places of business have been cafes  that weren’t necessarily  susceptible to my decorative whims. Now that I actually go into an office every day,  I’m allowed some aesthetic say in my work environment. Though I often shift from one cubicle to another in my current situation, my sometimes cubemate and I have taken great pains to make our frequently shared cubicle feel like a home. Our goal is to either make mosaic murals out of our snack wrappers or just cover the entire wall in them. It’s an artistic choice we feel okay with.

Posted in blogging, work | Leave a Comment »

Whatever You Think This Is…

Posted by evankessler on October 24, 2010

Whatever you think this is, you’re more than likely on the right track.

Posted in blogging, Photography | Leave a Comment »

Tribute Tuesday: I Once Had A Beard…

Posted by evankessler on October 19, 2010

I started growing my beard in the fall of 2006 after lifelong bouts with smooth-facedness and excessive shaving. It was a good beard; it wasn’t particularly groomed well nor did it adhere to the latest fashions, but it framed my face well and kept me warm during cold winter nights. Now, with the majority of it removed leaving and me a mustachioed wreck, I’ve decided to take a fond look back at the time me and my fuzzy face covering spent together on this earth. For though its bristles may have been swept down the drain, my memories of it have not been. Without further ado, on this “Tribute Tuesday,” I present to you my original montage entitled “I Once Had A Beard, But That Was A Long Time Ago.”

Posted in blogging, Tribute Tuesday, visual art | Leave a Comment »

Theme Week

Posted by evankessler on October 14, 2010

I’m looking to breathe new life into EvanKessler.com. Not only with fresh content and a steady flow of astonishing wit, but with that special something  that may one day draw more readers. A wise person once said to me, when I was pitching to them one of my 60 different site ideas, “Why don’t you just put that on you own site instead? You have great ideas but too many sites.”

I stubbornly laughed them off, insisting each unique idea had to live somewhere else and persist as it’s own wacky web address. While some of those sites have worked out temporarily, I’m willing to concede now that this wise soul was correct. In no way could  I maintain the feverish pace of keeping up so many different ideas in so many spaces. So while I figure out the best way to diversify and engage an audience, I figured next week I should test out a special approach. Each day of the working week shall have a theme like Music Monday, Twitter Tuesday, Wallpaper Design Wednesday…and so on.  I promise they won’t be as boring as those I just spouted off, I just haven’t figured out what I’m going to do yet, so I came up with the most mundane concepts to ensure that I don’t repeat them.

If my passion for blogging flourishes anew, I shall also look to do a redesign. I know how exciting that is to all of you. It’s time this thing started to resemble a real website…maybe. Stay tuned.

Posted in blogging | Leave a Comment »

Happy Birthday Jasky!

Posted by evankessler on October 13, 2010

Jaskarn Raju would’ve turned 30 today. Or as he would have had  us believe 29 or 31. For someone who I felt knew me so well, I find it funny that I still can’t accurately pinpoint his age. When he passed away several years ago, we were all so surprised to find out just how young he was and just how little we knew about him.  It always seemed more imperative that he knew about us.

Tonight my friends and I got together to commemorate his remarkable life and its influence on us. While we recalled many moments of hilarity and warmth of which he was a main instigator, we also felt the absence apparent in his untimely loss. Personally, I’ll always think of him as one of the biggest champions of my artistic endeavors.

Jasky left his job to pursue his career in art and he always took pride in the abilities of his friends to create. When this blog was in its earliest and most crudely designed stage, I could always count on Jasky Raju to spout back even the most mundane of details that was shared within its digital confines. No matter how inconsequential my musings may have felt, Jasky made them feel like an important masterwork of the modern era. He had faith in his friends and had reverence for their talent. We may not have seen it in ourselves, but were given a great deal of inspiration in knowing that someone as gifted as he, took interest in whatever inspiration we could muster.

There’s a part of me that feels ashamed that my everyday does not live up to  his expectation. Having someone believe that you are capable of great things is no match for actually achieving those great things. As I consider my neglect for this site, I remember the appreciation that a great friend once had for it. While part of me feels the lackadaisical treatment of this formerly involved space is a tragic testament to the death of self-confidence and the need to flip the bird to anyone who thinks self-expression and humor is lost in the self-involvement of bloggery, I also feel there’s strength in numbers and that those who have been inspired to take to the digital masses in celebration of expression or self-deprecation are noble in their efforts to bring entertainment to those who would otherwise spend their time staring blankly into space not appreciating the existence of humor and/or humility.

So on the anniversary of this day of celebration, I would like to commemorate the value of expression and those that would champion it. For even though it may seem unwarranted to some, it might be construed as invaluable to others. And that’s where we left things off with Jasky, as an artist he appreciated things at their most honest and he valued those who were not at all hesitant to share. He certainly got much more out of us than we ever got out of him…or did he?

Posted in Birthday, blogging | 2 Comments »