Evan Kessler Dot Com

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Archive for May, 2010

EK Headline News

Posted by evankessler on May 18, 2010

I know it’s not really an acceptable practice to laugh at your own jokes, but sometimes I just can’t help it. Over the past year and a half I’ve worked for OneRiot.com and over that time my job has changed multiple times. I’ve gone from Blogger to Blogger/semi-newsy headline writer to semi-newsy/semi-funny headline writer to mostly funny but sometimes newsy headline writer. The latter is pretty much where the description of my duties stands as we speak, and with the site’s bold new look, it more or less depends on my witty repartee and that of my good friend Abdullah to draw in readers.

Since the latest incarnation of the site went live I’ve been really delighted at the way the headlines pop out on the page and it’s given me extra incentive (not that I needed any) to write things that might cause people to double over with laughter. Actually, I usually just do it to make myself laugh, but I hope others do too. In any case, the past few days I’ve had a few choice lines and I think your life would probably be better if you took a few seconds to appreciate them or to at least humor me by thinking they’re great. Enjoy the few below:

Aaron Spelling's Mansion was named the most expensive house in the United States

The Times Announced It's Pay Subscription Date...It's Not My Favorite, but It's Alright

The Washington Wizards Got the Top Draft Pick...They Keep Guns in Their Lockers...Get It? Oh, They Also Used to Be Called the Washington Bullets

Justin Bieber Was Nominated for a BET Award? Seriously?

Anyway, that’s just a taste of what you can see on OneRiot.com,  so check it out.  We’re working hard to inform you and make you laugh at the same time.

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Stand By The Jams

Posted by evankessler on May 3, 2010

There are songs and bands whose existences can live in deep in the recesses of your memory and stay lodged there for an indefinite amount of time until someone comes along and turns those metaphorical brain pockets inside out with either  a direct reference to a specific moment in your musical upbringing or with a blow to the head that brings about a sort of selective amnesia that allows you to only recall obscure early 90’s dance tracks. Yesterday, while approaching third avenue in Manhattan from the south east corner  of 52nd street, my friend Jason seemingly out of nowhere mentioned a group that once promised to rock me in a way that was non-Freddie Mercury and non-Brian May related.

“Do you remember that group The KLF?”

I was confused by the question.  I thought I was the only person in the world who occasionally had the words “KLF is gonna rock you” bouncing around my head from time to time.  This was a revelation, how many other people our age were secretly humming relatively obscure early 90’s acid house tunes.  After the fog in my head cleared and the song was somewhat fresh, we discussed the shouted refrain that neither of us could figure out and seemed to instantly join the canon of misheard lyrics of our youth.  I thought it was “ancients approved” and Jason thought it was something like “agents of rude.” Mine made more sense to both of us, but as it turns out neither was right.

I quickly changed the subject to another KLF song featuring Tammy Wynette of “Stand By Your Man” fame. Jason had zero recall when I mentioned this.  I was able to remember the “all bound for mu mu-land” lyric, but he still had no idea what I was talking about.  Part of me was now thinking that I had conjured this entire video on my own. Fortunately, there is a thing called Youtube that can confirm all of your deep-rooted musical suspicions.

I watched this video briefly today and it struck me as one of the more awkward pairings of all-time.  Sure we’ve had our  fair share of those over the years like Jack White and Loretta Lynn, Nelly and Tim McGraw, David Bowie and Bing Crosby and a few others I’m probably missing, but  watching this nearly 20 years later had this odd power that made it feel confusing, memorable and groundbreaking all at the same time.  Anyway, you be the judge.  I still think the KLF is gonna rock you.

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