Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

My Flushy Valentine

Posted by evankessler on February 5, 2010

There are certain traditions one can count on every February 14th.  For most, Valentine’s Day conjures up images of lonely single people weeping, romantic candlelit dinners at the White Castle and rose petals lining the floor of the jungle room of the local Econo-lodge creating a colorful path to the coin-operated vibrating bed.

A Toronto area establishment is attempting to add a new wrinkle to the rites associated with the passage of this amorous occasion.  The owners of Mildred’s Temple Kitchen are hoping happy couples will foresake the romance of a champagne-and-strawberries romp down by the fire in favor of a jolly rogering in the presence of a porcelain god. Simply put, the eatery whose name conjures up a visit to grandma’s house, is encouraging it’s V Day diners to have sex in their bathroom.

All of this is evidenced by their website’s enticing inquiry as to whether couples have thought about “moving beyond the bedroom.” To encourage said illicit affairs even further, the management is furnishing the unisex washrooms with copies of the Kama Sutra.

While we imagine the erotic occupation of the john puts a damper for any significant other who was planning on using the restroom to  propose or the janitor on cleanup duty, we applaud the effort to make romance in even the least sanitary of places. It’s even inspired us to come up with a few of our own groundbreaking suggestions for sprucing up this somewhat cliched holiday, whether in public or in the privacy of your own home:

Swingers Night at Fuddruckers
Why not sweeten up your relationship on Valentine’s Day by convincing the local Fuddruckers franchise to host a swingers night?  Turn your loved one and a few significant others into a sexual sundae on this sensual Sunday.

Crying at IKEAInstead of openly weeping by your lonesome in your living room, you and other singles can gather at IKEA and cry about being alone in reasonable facsimiles of the rooms you normally do it in.

Saw Movie Marathon- Watching torture porn together might not be as much of a turn on as watching actual porn for you and your loved one, but once the films are over you could play a stimulating game of “would you rather.”  First question: If we were being held captive by a serial killer and given a choice, would you rather cut off your own genitalia or decapitate me?

Single Ladies Danceathon-All the Single ladies without a ring on it will blast Beyonce’s hit song to celebrate not getting flowers or chocolates whilst convincing themselves that being alone is much better anyway.

Gentleman’s Club Marriage Proposals- What better way to show your lady that you have only have eyes for her than by popping the question in a roomful of naked women who you don’t want to marry.  Makes perfect sense, right?

There’s plenty of ways to show someone you care on Valentine’s Day.  You could go with the old tried and true or try something new.  We can make some suggestions, but the rest is up to you.  Start planning now.

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