Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Six More Weeks!

Posted by evankessler on February 2, 2010

Bright and early on this the morning of February 2nd in the year two-thousand and ten, the holy groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil emerged from the safety of his cushy apartment in a tree stump at the Gobbler’s Knob section of town to briefly focus his ocular cavities on the ground below.  The latest incarnation of the United States’ most legendary rodent came to spy his own silhouette, thereby decreeing that a continued dose of wintry hellfire would be inflicted upon the residents of this fair nation– from sea to shining sea.

Before taking refuge back in his humble abode, the hermetic hog made sure to warn the people against the worship of false idols, specifically citing the existence of one “Staten Island Chuck” who he claimed was, “nothing but a two-bit fraud like that L. Ron guy or most psychics.”

So now that we’re all but certain to be steeped in six more weeks of blistering cold before the sun doth shine again, here are a few more things we should expect in the remaining weeks of the frost-bitten season:

The Rise of The Snowman Border Patrol- With continued cold comes the possibility for snowstorms. Many a heap of fresh powder will be used by this nation’s schoolchildren to create a veritable militia of immobile snowpeople hell bent on standing guard over wintry landscapes.  We can let them take over or we can commission them to line the Canada-US border and equip them with rifles so as to discourage illegal immigration from the great white north.  This will not work along the US-Mexico border or if it rains.

Decreased Usage of Freezers- Iceboxes across the nation will remain empty for the next month-plus as people decide that their perishables should be more in touch with nature and their beer should always be winter-fresh instead of simply ice-cold.

Increased Drunken Bear AttacksBears will come out of hibernation early once they smell all of the food/beer that has been left out in the cold.  They may have trouble with twist-off caps but will have no problem biting off the tops of your domestic bottles.

Secretive Winter Olympics Obsessions- Your friends may tell you it’s too cold out to engage in social outings, but in reality they’ve got plenty of warm enough clothing to brave the frosty conditions. They’re just afraid to tell you the real reason they’re not hanging out; the highly anticipated doubles luge competition and Ice Dancing finals.  USA! USA!

Only time will tell if Punxsutawney’s prophetic predictor of elemental conditions is dead on, but we here at OneRiot think that you should embrace the deep freeze.  Six more weeks of hot cocoa is not so bad.

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