I had my yahoo email account hacked this morning. I’m not that upset about it. I’ve noticed it’s been happening to other people’s email account for years now. I’d be crazy to think my elderly, spam-laden email account was immune to the crafty web-pricks who have nothing better to do but spend their days coming up with insidious programs that covertly jimmy seemingly protected Internet boundaries so they can send mass emails about nothing so other people’s accounts will then repeat the trend. My favorite part about all of this business is that each of the dispersed virus-laden emails enter the inbox of my friends and acquaintances with names in the subject line; names that seem almost too good to be actual names.
In all probability these names have been collected from accounts of the thousands of other victims of these viral hackers and are of people who do actually exist; people who have lives and friends and familes, perhaps even children, dogs and rap sheets. In spite of knowing that these could be actual people, I’ve taken it upon myself to dream up new lives for my new friends in the hacked and virulent emailisphere. So without further ado, these are those names and the lives I’ve subsequently dreamed up for them:
Holger Janssen- Holger Janssen is an alternate luger on the Austrian Olympic team with big dreams to medal at the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi provided he can convince three-time Austrian Olympic medalist Markus Prock to be his coach.
Aisha Munro- Aisha Munro is a forward-thinking entry-level marketing worker in the Chicago, Illinois area. A recent graduate from the University of Illinois, she is trying to master all of the new social media applications so she can better position herself within her company as its social media guru and prove just how indispensable she is when it comes time for the inevitable layoffs.
Monika Kaucher- Is an award-winning producer of educational videos. She has two wonderful kids and understands the big picture when it comes to combining entertainment with meaningful content. Monika interned for two wonderful summers at Sesame Street during college and it was the chance of a lifetime. It really made her realize what she wanted to do with her life.
Thierry Chouvel- Formerly a leading voice in the establishment of Quebec as a sovereign nation between 1980 and 1995, the esteemed Monsieur Thierry Chouvel now spends his days writing scathing articles critical of Steven Harper’s conservative administration in Ottawa for the Le Québecois newspaper in Quebec City.
Manfred Rupkalwis- A German Physicist who in 1992 tried to prove that the speed of sound was indeed faster than the speed of light in certain hidden pockets of Industrial German cities. Rupkalwis’s theory was easily disproved. He has since been searching for a meaningful physics theory to call his own.
Pascal Blum- Pascal Blum became infatuated with computer coding at an early age, once he learned that there was a computer language that bore his name he threw himself headfirst into the study of it. In his high school years he was briefly distracted by the bass guitar and his love of Metallica. He now lives in Seattle where he works for Microsoft on windows applications. He still plays bass on the side for local bar metal band Rotgut.
Sabrina Robin- Sabrina Robin is a junior at Penn State University studying Public Relations. She’s the Vice President of her sorority and has been to 26 John Mayer concerts.
Christine Chewter- Competitive eating seemed to be in the cards for “Chewy” Chewter at an early age. As quite the popular little girl, she went to many birthday parties and never met a cake she didn’t like…or a hot dog for that matter. She’s been named to IFOCE’s list of top 10 to watch eat in 2010. She’s sure to provide quite the challenge in the Asparagus and ribs categories.
Maurizio Risaceo- A student of Art History and native of Rome; Maurizio is a tour guide at Vatican City where he gets to spend the entirety of his days basking in the glow of works of great artists of the renaissance period. He harbors a secret longing to use the Pope’s toilet.
Dennis Schoenefeld- A big fan of money math, Dennis decided long ago that chartered accountancy was for him. He refers to tax time as “March Madness” and goes down to celebrate “Spring Break” every April 16th by driving down to Daytona Beach and drinking a pitcher of beer at Señor Frogs and watching pornography in his hotel room each day for one whole week. Then it’s right back to work for the D-Man.
Dirk Upheber- A former highly-touted prospect in the Mariners farm system, Dirk Upheber bounced around the minor leagues since he was 19. Last year, at the age of 25 he finally got the big call from the Brewers to spit sunflower seeds in the dugout. As a pinch hitter and defensive replacement he went 13-41 in 49 at bats drawing a stout 8 walks. He’s been invited to training camp once again and hopes to crack the lineup or to get the chance to fill in in a utility role.
Annie Escande- A feisty brunette of Argentine-Cherokee heritage living in San Diego. This All-American girl bartends at The Socket, an area watering hole dedicated to all-things Chargers. When she’s not slinging drinks she’s drives over to Encinitas where she catches some waves and waits for the green flash at sundown.
Sophie Baudet- Sophie Baudet is a French socialite, the girlfriend and apparent muse for up-and-coming performance artist Claude Baptiste-Renard. Her father, once a leader in the nation’s dairy industry now serves as the Secretary of Agriculture under Nicolas Sarkozy.
Lilya Pebedev- A former Ukrainian beauty queen living in Kiev, life has not been easy for the now 34-year old Lilya. She struggles to get by working at the local supermarket and has her profile up on several mail order bride sites in the hopes she will be whisked away by a rich American businessman who she can boss around sexually.
Sabine Schmidt- German chemist extraordinaire. Sabine Schmidt has performed groundbreaking work exploring the effects of cocaine on mice. Preferring to work alone this keen intellect is socially awkward but get a few drinks in her and she’ll talk your ear off about mice and cocaine.
Detlef Seelig- Named after former NBA superstar Detlef Schrempf, this Bavarian violin prodigy disappointed his father by never being too adept in the athletic arena. He is however quite the musical genius committing more than 250 classical works to memory. He’s a bit of a cocky bastard but chicks his age dig that.
Caroline Siegenthaler- Eight-graders aren’t going to teach themselves math. That’s where Ms. Siegenthaler comes in. She shows those kids all about the Pythagorean theorem and Venn Diagrams. She also tutors students who need a little extra push. East Canton, Ohio’s three-time teacher of the year also is the organizer of many local Math League competitions and is the faculty chair of the Math Honors Society. She DVRs Jeopardy every night.
Milena Raykina- A well-known restaurant owner living in Sofia, Bulgaria. Milena is the host of a popular Bulgarian reality cooking show called “Drob Chef” in which various contestants compete to make the best dish that incorporates liver.
Hafiza Staat- Is a young girl in Switzerland with a Swiss father and a Pakistani mother who has chosen to identify with her mother’s Muslim faith. She has taken to wearing a burka in public but her father and the Swiss government has strictly forbade her to build minarets in her room.
Brigitte Lebugle- Pronounced “Bridge-eat Lay-booj-lay,” this Parisian stage ingenue has received many accolades for her one woman show “Lebugle Au Revoir” in which she spends an entire hour and a half performing fellatio on a life-sized real-doll adorned with a cardboard mask of Francois Mitterand. She doesn’t think much of this Nicolas Sarkozy character, but his wife…ooh la la.
Liz Baxter- A graphic designer living in Park Slope, Brooklyn. She’s a cross between Tina Fey and Kristen Bell and the female ideal of most men living in her immediate area. She exists only has a mythical person in the subject headline of an email virus.