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Archive for February, 2010

Hacked Email Random Name Generator

Posted by evankessler on February 16, 2010

I had my yahoo email account hacked this morning.  I’m not that upset about it.  I’ve noticed it’s been happening to other people’s email account for years now.  I’d be crazy to think my elderly, spam-laden email account was immune to the crafty web-pricks who have nothing better to do but spend their days coming up with insidious programs that covertly jimmy seemingly protected Internet boundaries so they can send mass emails about nothing so other people’s accounts will then repeat the trend.   My favorite part about all of this business is that each of the dispersed virus-laden emails enter the inbox of my friends and acquaintances with names in the subject line; names that seem almost too good to be actual names.

In all probability these names have been collected from accounts of the thousands of other victims of these viral hackers and are of people who do actually exist; people who have lives and friends and familes, perhaps even children, dogs and rap sheets. In spite of knowing that these could be actual people, I’ve taken it upon myself to dream up new lives for my new friends in the hacked and virulent emailisphere. So without further ado, these are those names and the lives I’ve subsequently dreamed up for them:

Holger Janssen- Holger Janssen is an alternate luger on the Austrian Olympic team with big dreams to medal at the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi provided he can convince three-time Austrian Olympic medalist Markus Prock to be his coach.

Aisha Munro- Aisha Munro is a forward-thinking entry-level marketing worker in the Chicago, Illinois area. A recent graduate from the University of Illinois, she is trying to master all of the new social media applications so she can better position herself within her company as its social media guru and prove just how indispensable she is when it comes time for the inevitable layoffs.

Monika Kaucher- Is an award-winning producer of educational videos.  She has two wonderful kids and understands the big picture when it comes to combining entertainment with meaningful content.  Monika interned for two wonderful summers at Sesame Street during college and it was the chance of a lifetime.  It really made her realize what she wanted to do with her life.

Viva Quebec!

Thierry Chouvel- Formerly a leading voice in the establishment of Quebec as a sovereign nation between 1980 and 1995, the esteemed Monsieur Thierry Chouvel now spends his days writing scathing articles critical of Steven Harper’s conservative administration in Ottawa for the Le Québecois newspaper in Quebec City.

Manfred Rupkalwis- A German Physicist who in 1992 tried to prove that the speed of sound was indeed faster than the speed of light in certain hidden pockets of Industrial German cities.  Rupkalwis’s theory was easily disproved.  He has since been searching for a meaningful physics theory to call his own.

Pascal Blum- Pascal Blum became infatuated with computer coding at an early age, once he learned that there was a computer language that bore his name he threw himself headfirst into the study of it.  In his high school years he was briefly distracted by the bass guitar and his love of Metallica.  He now lives in Seattle where he works for Microsoft on windows applications.  He still plays bass on the side for local bar metal band Rotgut.

Sabrina Robin- Sabrina Robin is a junior at Penn State University studying Public Relations.  She’s the Vice President of her sorority and has been to 26 John Mayer concerts.

Christine Chewter- Competitive eating seemed to be in the cards for “Chewy” Chewter at an early age.  As quite the popular little girl, she went to many birthday parties and never met a cake she didn’t like…or a hot dog for that matter.  She’s been named to IFOCE’s  list of top 10  to watch eat in 2010.  She’s sure to provide quite the challenge in the Asparagus and ribs categories.

Don't Worry, Maurizio Will Show You Around

Maurizio Risaceo- A student of Art History and native of Rome; Maurizio is a tour guide at Vatican City where he gets to spend the entirety of his days basking in the glow of works of great artists of the renaissance period.  He harbors a secret longing to use the Pope’s toilet.

Dennis Schoenefeld- A big fan of money math, Dennis decided long ago that chartered accountancy was for him.  He refers to tax time as “March Madness” and goes down to celebrate “Spring Break” every April 16th by driving down to Daytona Beach and drinking a pitcher of beer at Señor Frogs and watching pornography in his hotel room each day for one whole week.  Then it’s right back to work for the D-Man.

Dirk Upheber- A former highly-touted prospect in the Mariners farm system, Dirk Upheber bounced around the minor leagues since he was 19.  Last year, at the age of 25 he finally got the big call from the Brewers to spit sunflower seeds in the dugout.  As a pinch hitter and defensive replacement he went 13-41  in 49 at bats drawing a stout 8 walks.  He’s been invited to training camp once again and hopes to crack the lineup or to get the chance to fill in in a utility role.

Annie Escande- A feisty brunette of Argentine-Cherokee heritage living in San Diego.  This All-American  girl bartends at The Socket, an area watering hole dedicated to all-things Chargers.  When she’s not slinging drinks she’s drives over to Encinitas where she catches some waves and waits for the green flash at sundown.

Sophie Baudet- Sophie Baudet is a French socialite, the girlfriend and apparent  muse for up-and-coming performance artist Claude Baptiste-Renard. Her father, once a leader in the nation’s dairy industry now serves as the Secretary of Agriculture under Nicolas Sarkozy.

Lilya Pebedev- A former Ukrainian beauty queen living in Kiev, life has not been easy for the now 34-year old Lilya.  She struggles to get by working at the local supermarket and has her profile up on several mail order bride sites in the hopes she will be whisked away by a rich American businessman who she can boss around sexually.

Sabine Schmidt- German chemist extraordinaire.  Sabine Schmidt has performed groundbreaking work exploring the effects of cocaine on mice.  Preferring to work alone this keen intellect is socially awkward but get a few drinks in her and she’ll talk your ear off about mice and cocaine.

Detlef Seelig- Named after former NBA superstar Detlef Schrempf, this Bavarian violin prodigy disappointed his father by never being too adept in the athletic arena.  He is however quite the musical genius committing more than 250 classical works to memory.  He’s a bit of a cocky bastard but chicks his age dig that.

Caroline Siegenthaler- Eight-graders aren’t going to teach themselves math.  That’s where Ms. Siegenthaler comes in.  She shows those kids all about the Pythagorean theorem and Venn Diagrams.  She also tutors students who need a little extra push.  East Canton, Ohio’s three-time teacher of the year also is the organizer of many local Math League competitions and is the faculty chair of the Math Honors Society.  She DVRs Jeopardy every night.

Winning Dish on Last Season's Drob Chef

Milena Raykina- A well-known restaurant owner living in Sofia, Bulgaria.  Milena is the host of a popular Bulgarian reality cooking show called “Drob Chef” in which various contestants compete to make the best dish that incorporates liver.

Hafiza Staat- Is a young girl in Switzerland with a Swiss father and a Pakistani mother who has chosen to identify with her mother’s Muslim faith.  She has taken to wearing a burka in public but her father and the Swiss government has strictly forbade her to build minarets in her room.

Brigitte Lebugle- Pronounced “Bridge-eat Lay-booj-lay,” this Parisian stage ingenue has received many accolades for her one woman show “Lebugle Au Revoir” in which she spends an entire hour and a half performing fellatio on a life-sized real-doll adorned with a cardboard mask of  Francois Mitterand. She doesn’t think much of this Nicolas Sarkozy character, but his wife…ooh la la.

Liz Baxter- A graphic designer living in Park Slope, Brooklyn.  She’s a cross between Tina Fey and Kristen Bell and the female ideal of most men living in her immediate area.  She exists only has a mythical person in the subject headline of an email virus.

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Snowpocalypse 2KX: A Photographic Essay with Words Too

Posted by evankessler on February 12, 2010

This past Wednesday (February 10, 2010)  the East Coast was battered and snugly blanketed in a thick layer of god’s icy dandruff known as “Snow.” This “Snow” had previously appeared on the American landscape the early 1990’s as a Canadian rapper whose vocal intonations attempted to convince us he had some sort of connection to Jamaica. We weren’t fooled by those 12 inches.  This time “Snow” appeared in it’s more natural incarnation and it was delightful.

As the fluffy powder piled up outside, I found myself gazing longingly out the window.  Desperate to pounce on the frigid padding now covering the local patch of earth we in Brooklyn call home; I rushed through whatever menial employment tasks I had in order to bask int his brilliant-but-blinding form of precipitation.

I made a few phone calls to friends I surmised might be home and willing to partake in a little frosty fun.  The initial result was hesitance, but a plain sort of came together.  Though, this plan was not heavily advertised to all participants.  Having nothing to do and a full desire to get outside, I left the details to iron themselves out. Once I was clad in my goofy red sweatpants, winter jacket,  boots, gloves and hat; it was time to take to the none-too-busy streets and explore the winter wonderland for myself.

These Boots And Red Sweatpants Were Made For Walking...In Snow

7th Avenue...A Sort Of Ghost Town

Haagen-Dazs Was Open...Just Because

That's More Like It President Street

I Can See Up A Snowy Tree On Carroll Street

After wandering up and down the local sidestreets I found my way to Grand Army Plaza.

Scenic and Snowy Grand Army Plaza

...where James S.T. "Snowy" Stranahan Did Something Notable Enough to Get His Own Statue.

And NBC News Was There To Cover It

After a brief jaunt around the outskirts of Prospect Park, I decided to high tail it over Prospect Heights to the apartment building where Enisha, Andrea, and Jennifer live.  I had spoken to Andrea on the phone before, but she was cooking and not ready to come out and play.  However, shortly after that Kishore had called and informed the ladies he had a sled.  They were up for sledding, though I don’t think they knew I was coming over.  My plan was to call Andrea down and challenge her to a snowball duel.  But first I had to get there.

Someone Needed A Snowball In The Face And I Was Just The Man To Deliver It

But First I Had To Go Down This Street Named For Cornelius Vanderbilt

And See This Nice Looking Building

I eventually made my way through the Prospect Heights stretch of Vanderbilt to Jennifer, Enisha, and Andrea’s building.  I pulled out my phone and called Andrea entreating her to a snowball duel.  She declined, but invited me up for some soup in a few minutes.  While waiting outside in the wintry mix, I called Enisha, alerting her to my predicament.  She let me in and I joined her for some tea.  We then went up to Andrea’s and had two kinds of delicious soup, one a red curry and the other a African Kale stew with peanut butter and pineapple.

I was worried that it would get dark before our sled bearing friend would arrive, but Kishore made it with ample time and off to the frolic in the snowpocalyptic conditions we went.

Here We Come...Walkin' Down The Street

We decided to take the most direct route through the snow instead of around it, which consisted of a straight shot through grand Army Plaza.

Where We Made A Snowlady...Sitting On A Bench...With Large Breasts

Here She Is Waiting For Her Ride...I Think That's Him Now

Andrea Took It Upon Herself To Pose For Sassy Snow Photos

Near These Statues That Reminded Me Of The Cover Of An Ayn Rand Novel

Onward Toward Prospect Park

Populated By Many

We Joined...

...the sledding fun.

We watched it grow darker...

...and snowier...

...and even darker still.

When it was finally time to go...

...a giant phallus crawling with children pointed the way out.

In the midst of all of that Prospect Park mayhem there were plenty of snowballs that went cutting through the evening sky, landing squarely on the backs, legs, and hats of my compatriots.  We escaped past our point of entry and made our way back to Vanderbilt along the way.  We did notice that someone had sabotaged our snow lady, or perhaps she had just gotten her ride.  Either way, this occasion called for a soothing drink.  Our fearsome fivesome became seven when Kayvalyn and Jason joined us for drinks at Woodwork.  And it became 8 when Enisha and Jennifer’s roommate Julia happened along.

Emo Kishore and Kayvalyn Enjoying Drinks

A Hot Toddy Would Be A Wonderful End

...To This Beautiful Night

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Evan Kessler’s Eurodream Vacation

Posted by evankessler on February 9, 2010

Man, was I disappointed to wake up today.  I was having one of those awesome “this can’t be real” dreams before I was so unfortunately shaken from my slumber by a brief impulse to blink into reality. When my eyes opened to the real world, the clock read 8:30am and I was in my apartment and not at a European train station deciding that I could probably stand to go to Madrid for a few days and then maybe head over to Barcelona, before making my way to Prague for a brief spell; all of this after spending a week or so in London on the heels of a wedding I had to attend. I don’t know who got married, but I’m sure it was lovely.

The Magical Eurail Map Rife With Possibility

Instead I’m stuck in an alternately lovely yet frigid Brooklyn, looking for some steady employment and daydreaming of the day I can afford to make such exotic travel decisions.  Quite the depressing predicament if you ask me, especially considering I was at the point in the dream when all of my plans were falling into place.

First, I would surprise my friend Victor at his bar, El Hombre Moderno in Madrid.  After a few days of enjoying the cosmopolitan nightlife en Madrid con Victor y mis amigos nuevos Irene y Elena , I’d take the train to Barcelona where my comrades Dmitry and Nina would welcome me with open arms and an open apartment.  We’d go to the beach and gorge ourselves on Serrano Ham and Manchego while drinking wine for a few days and that would be that.

The entire idea of a trip to Prague just seemed like something I casually tossed up in the air mid-dream, like it could be easily accomplished.  Unless, I was traveling by plane it would take more than one day of trekking from Western to Eastern Europe and most likely run me a pretty penny, but I’d stop in Switzerland and Austria, Monaco, Slovenia, and Croatia along the way.  Maybe this wasn’t the most effective plan, but anything is possible in my EuroDreamTopia. Unfortunately, it remains just that, my EuroDreamTopia. And so I look forward to another enchanted evening under the covers with eyes closed and foreign tongues wagging strange words that I rifle through my guide book searching for the meaning of.

Who am I kidding, it probably won’t come up again.  Tonight I’ll probably dream of Lions roaming the streets during this coming Snowpocalypse or being forced into military service after the Canadian invasion.  The mind goes where it wants to.

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My Flushy Valentine

Posted by evankessler on February 5, 2010

There are certain traditions one can count on every February 14th.  For most, Valentine’s Day conjures up images of lonely single people weeping, romantic candlelit dinners at the White Castle and rose petals lining the floor of the jungle room of the local Econo-lodge creating a colorful path to the coin-operated vibrating bed.

A Toronto area establishment is attempting to add a new wrinkle to the rites associated with the passage of this amorous occasion.  The owners of Mildred’s Temple Kitchen are hoping happy couples will foresake the romance of a champagne-and-strawberries romp down by the fire in favor of a jolly rogering in the presence of a porcelain god. Simply put, the eatery whose name conjures up a visit to grandma’s house, is encouraging it’s V Day diners to have sex in their bathroom.

All of this is evidenced by their website’s enticing inquiry as to whether couples have thought about “moving beyond the bedroom.” To encourage said illicit affairs even further, the management is furnishing the unisex washrooms with copies of the Kama Sutra.

While we imagine the erotic occupation of the john puts a damper for any significant other who was planning on using the restroom to  propose or the janitor on cleanup duty, we applaud the effort to make romance in even the least sanitary of places. It’s even inspired us to come up with a few of our own groundbreaking suggestions for sprucing up this somewhat cliched holiday, whether in public or in the privacy of your own home:

Swingers Night at Fuddruckers
Why not sweeten up your relationship on Valentine’s Day by convincing the local Fuddruckers franchise to host a swingers night?  Turn your loved one and a few significant others into a sexual sundae on this sensual Sunday.

Crying at IKEAInstead of openly weeping by your lonesome in your living room, you and other singles can gather at IKEA and cry about being alone in reasonable facsimiles of the rooms you normally do it in.

Saw Movie Marathon- Watching torture porn together might not be as much of a turn on as watching actual porn for you and your loved one, but once the films are over you could play a stimulating game of “would you rather.”  First question: If we were being held captive by a serial killer and given a choice, would you rather cut off your own genitalia or decapitate me?

Single Ladies Danceathon-All the Single ladies without a ring on it will blast Beyonce’s hit song to celebrate not getting flowers or chocolates whilst convincing themselves that being alone is much better anyway.

Gentleman’s Club Marriage Proposals- What better way to show your lady that you have only have eyes for her than by popping the question in a roomful of naked women who you don’t want to marry.  Makes perfect sense, right?

There’s plenty of ways to show someone you care on Valentine’s Day.  You could go with the old tried and true or try something new.  We can make some suggestions, but the rest is up to you.  Start planning now.

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Six More Weeks!

Posted by evankessler on February 2, 2010

Bright and early on this the morning of February 2nd in the year two-thousand and ten, the holy groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil emerged from the safety of his cushy apartment in a tree stump at the Gobbler’s Knob section of town to briefly focus his ocular cavities on the ground below.  The latest incarnation of the United States’ most legendary rodent came to spy his own silhouette, thereby decreeing that a continued dose of wintry hellfire would be inflicted upon the residents of this fair nation– from sea to shining sea.

Before taking refuge back in his humble abode, the hermetic hog made sure to warn the people against the worship of false idols, specifically citing the existence of one “Staten Island Chuck” who he claimed was, “nothing but a two-bit fraud like that L. Ron guy or most psychics.”

So now that we’re all but certain to be steeped in six more weeks of blistering cold before the sun doth shine again, here are a few more things we should expect in the remaining weeks of the frost-bitten season:

The Rise of The Snowman Border Patrol- With continued cold comes the possibility for snowstorms. Many a heap of fresh powder will be used by this nation’s schoolchildren to create a veritable militia of immobile snowpeople hell bent on standing guard over wintry landscapes.  We can let them take over or we can commission them to line the Canada-US border and equip them with rifles so as to discourage illegal immigration from the great white north.  This will not work along the US-Mexico border or if it rains.

Decreased Usage of Freezers- Iceboxes across the nation will remain empty for the next month-plus as people decide that their perishables should be more in touch with nature and their beer should always be winter-fresh instead of simply ice-cold.

Increased Drunken Bear AttacksBears will come out of hibernation early once they smell all of the food/beer that has been left out in the cold.  They may have trouble with twist-off caps but will have no problem biting off the tops of your domestic bottles.

Secretive Winter Olympics Obsessions- Your friends may tell you it’s too cold out to engage in social outings, but in reality they’ve got plenty of warm enough clothing to brave the frosty conditions. They’re just afraid to tell you the real reason they’re not hanging out; the highly anticipated doubles luge competition and Ice Dancing finals.  USA! USA!

Only time will tell if Punxsutawney’s prophetic predictor of elemental conditions is dead on, but we here at OneRiot think that you should embrace the deep freeze.  Six more weeks of hot cocoa is not so bad.

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