Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Bigger Than Avatar?

Posted by evankessler on January 27, 2010

James Cameron is one rich man.  His latest film, Avatar, achieved the honor of being the highest-grossing film of all-time yesterday. The preachy and visually stunning CGI extravaganza netted $1.859 billion in just over a month-and-a-half, besting his 1997 film Titanic‘s mark of $1.843 Billion.  We’re not quite sure how Cameron celebrated, but we have an image of him standing on a Titanic replica overlooking the Hollywood Hills screaming, “I’m the King of The Film World!” while Kate Winslet listened in on speaker phone.

We’d hate to jump the gun and crown a director, who compensates for contrived story lines and mediocre dialogue with dazzling visual intricacies, a Movie Monarch when there are so many actual great stories that have been captured on celluloid; but sometimes the monetary results just speak for themselves. It’s hard to believe that any other film could achieve such astounding financial success as Cameron’s last 2 major outings; but in the interest of further innovation, we here at OneRiot have a few concepts for potential box office blockbusters that just might give Avatar a run for it’s title of top moneymaker of all-time.

Nude– A film starring Scarlet Johansson, Natalie Portman, Megan Fox, Penelope Cruz, and Zoe Saldana.  The trailers will reveal none of the film’s plot just hint at the possibility of nude scenes for all of the lead actresses.  That kind of promotion got an audience for the crapfest that was Coyote Ugly because some of us are just that dumb. Work that into an actual film with a plot and talented actresses and don’t forget to pepper in a few explosions for good measure. Plenty of money will come pouring in by giving fans the option to see this in IMAX 3D.

Marvel vs. DC- Highly anticipated comic book movies traditionally have monstrous opening weekends.  This cinematic comic extravaganza will feature every single hero from DC and Marvel titles battling against a mega-syndicate of supervillains. Imagine Batman and the Flash fighting side by side with Spider-Man and Wolverine! Expect this one to be sold out for months. The comic book movie to end all comic book movies should outdo Avatar in about two weeks.

Puppies and Kitties- Everybody loves watching puppies and kitties all day on youtube, but once the cuteness hits you in 3D IMAX the adorable overload is uncontrollable.

America’s Funniest Home Videos: The Movie- If there’s one thing that makes people laugh it’s watching other people fall down or get kicked in the nuts.  Not only will this film revive Bob Saget’s career, but the studio will love it because of the low pricetag. it sure to be the breakout comedy of the year!


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