Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Tummy Tightening Tacos?

Posted by evankessler on January 21, 2010

Anyone who has ever sampled the fine fast food fare at a Taco Bell is well aware that Gorditas and Chalupas are much more likely to cause bowel irritation than weight loss stimulation.  There’s a reason the brand slogan is “run for the border” and not “take a leisurely jog around Lake Texcoco.”  Anything less than a full out sprint to the bathroom following the inhalation of a few beef tacos will most likely result in pants being unpleasantly soiled.

So when Taco Bell decided to pull a Jared and claim some dietary benefit from gorging oneself on stomach churning goodies from their drive-thru menu, it seemed like something was rotten in the state of Denmark‘s underpants. Nonetheless, the speedy soft taco peddler pressed on with their Drive-Thru Diet promotion, insisting in its commercials that while the results weren’t typical, a mysterious character named Christine had lost 54 lbs by repeatedly ingesting low-grade meat, cheese, and veggies.

Taco Bell has yet to back away from said claim that the newly svelte spokesperson unpacked her pounds by ordering from the comfort of her own driver’s seat, but are now admitting that the “Drive-Thru Diet” isn’t really much of a diet and that if you think that alone is going to make you thin, well then you’re probably pretty stupid (our words not theirs). However, if you were that gullible in the first place, we here at OneRiot have a few more “healthy” diets that you might want to undertake to turn your waistline frown upside down…or force you to buy bigger pants.

Tic-Tac Diet- This one-and-a-half calorie breath mint is oddly satisfying. Given that a typical healthy diet for a male is 2,000 calories and 1,800 for a female; this diet allows for plenty of indulgence provided that indulgence is in the form of one of the many flavors of minty goodness.  We can’t account for the lack of nutrition, but at least you’ll have fresh breath. Just to be safe you should probably take a multivitamin.

Sundae Thru Monday Diet- One three-scoop Ice cream sundae with hot fudge, caramel, m&m’s a day keeps diabetes at bay. Don’t forget to put that cherry on top.  Fruit is healthy.

The Model Diet- The most important part of being a model is staying thin; so it would stand to reason that thin models have the best diets, right?  Of course. Note that there is very little food on this diet, just the occasional cucumber or carrot off of a craft services tray and plenty of cigarettes.  Beat back that hunger with a cancer stick and the occasional sniff of cocaine.

Dollar Menu Diet- Three dollars a day keeps hunger away. Many fast food restaurants have instituted cheap options flooded with essentials vitamins so the financially strapped can remain physically strapping.  A sausage mcmuffin for breakfast and a double cheeseburger for lunch and dinner.  We can practically see the pounds peeling off.

While these diets may help the naive and nutitionally-challenged attempt to achieve their ideal bod, we here at OneRiot maintain that there’s no substitute for good old fashion exercise. Pushing on that remote button burns a half a calorie.  Get to channel surfing.


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