Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

The Blissful Existence of Pat Robertson

Posted by evankessler on January 14, 2010

If ignorance is indeed bliss, being Fundamentalist Christian minister Pat Robertson must be the most blissful existence of all.  The host of the “700 Club” (presumably named so because that was the year in which their antiquated ideas were still relevant) had the audacity to blame the Haitian people for the earthquake tragedy that befell them this past week.  He conjured up a centuries old pact with the devil (i.e. George Burns) the Haitan people made to rid themselves of the imperialist French and “Napoleon III or whatever” as the reason for the nation’s ever-worsening condition, comparing it with it’s prosperous neighbor on the Isle of Hispaniola, the Dominican Republic– a resort destination whose booze-fueled spring breaks have no doubt been touched by an angel.

While we have a hard time believing that the good lord decided on a whim to make things exponentially worse for what is perhaps the Western Hemisphere’s most destitute nation, Robertson’s comments got us thinking, what other crazily ignorant things might this dinosaur amongst men actually believe?

1. Jaycee Lee Dugard was kidnapped and kept in a shack for 18 years because she rooted against her hometown baseball team, then known as the California Angels. This was essentially a pact with the devil.  The lord saw fit to punish her by making her miss 18 years of great sports moments and have Mark Whicker  write a scathing column to taunt her with all of awesome plays she never got to see.

2. Dogs faithfulness to Man as his best friend is a metaphor for Man’s faithfulness to God.  There’s a reason dog is God spelled backwards.

3. Twitter is the devil…or at least the devil is on Twitter and he sends direct messages to make pacts these days rather than just showing up as Elizabeth Hurley and promising you three wishes for the price of your soul. Also, instead of 3 wishes he tells you he’ll totally plug you on Follow Friday.

4. The lord is powerful enough to destroy Haiti for a centuries old indiscretion, but has yet to figure out how to stop two people of the same sex in Iowa from marrying one another.  He/she really would just prefer humans made a law against it already.

5. Finally, it’s Robertson’s actual belief that Hurricane Katrina was the lord’s way of punishing the United States for legalizing abortion.

We here at OneRiot may openly mock Robertson, but we do so to submit that such ignorance on the scale of Robertson’s actual beliefs are extremely dangerous and that no matter what you believe, a tragedy of such epic proportions should never be so hastily dismissed as the fault of those who have reaped the misfortune. Rather than lay blame, we find that it’s much more helpful to lend a helping hand and encourage our readers to continue to donate to the relief fund.  We prefer to say God bless and not God damn.


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