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The Home of the Brave

Carnival Drops the Anchor on Cougars

Posted by evankessler on January 13, 2010

As the popular old mating adage goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Well, as it turns out there are more than just fish. The dating waters of the Pacific got a little more crowded recently when its natural aquatic inhabitants were joined by more than 300 Cougars ready to pounce on some ready, able, and willing fresh cub meat  as part of  the Singles Travel Co and Society of Single Professionals “Cougar Cruise.”

Putting both young men ripe for the taking and the aging female sexual predators who adore them on the same Love Boat seemed like a no-brainer. After all, it is scientific fact that men reach their sexual peak at a much younger age than ladies, so why deny the mother nature’s dynamic sexual forces from enjoying a head on collision of passion on the high seas?

While the idea of hosting this buoyant zoo of May-December courtship originally appealed to the motion of the ocean experts at Carnival Cruise lines, the company ultimately decided supporting such events were not for them– lest they have to change their name from “Carnival” to “Carnal.”

With the discontinuation of these floating meet markets, also comes the untimely extinction of some of their more innovative entertainment practices that may or may not have occurred on board.  So until the Cougar cruise gets picked up by Royal Carribean, here are a few fun features that threaten to go the way of the seafaring dodo:

Are You My Mommy?- In this role playing game, ladies dress in leopard print leotards as their diaper clad young suitors crawl around knocking on random doors asking the question, “Are you my mommy?” The answer is usually “yes,”and most of the time the mommy determines that her son has been a naughty boy and needs a spanking.

All You Can Eat Naked Sushi Buffet and Sliced Pineapple Tower- Certain Japanese restaurants specialize in the art of serving sushi off of a naked female; on this cruise cougars get to pick the sushi table of their choice for the evening.  The sliced pineapple tower is for dessert.

Strip PinochleWe don’t know how to play pinochle and neither do most of the cubs.

Job Interview Rehearsal- Many of the young men on said “Cougar Cruises” have yet to be hired for their first real job. This helpful role play prepares them for a real-life situation teaching them the right answers for when they are being interviewed by a sex-starved older woman for their first taste of real world employment.

CPR “Class”- Going on a cruise brings with it the very real possibility of having to save someone from an emergency. This mandatory class for all cruise patrons pairs up two members of the opposite sex to learn the ins and outs of how to save a life with a type of CPR that employs extensive use of the tongue.

There are probably plenty more activities that didn’t exactly make it onto the brochure, but all of that is moot until this steamy sea vessel pulls up anchor yet again.

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