Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

America’s Least Most Wanted

Posted by evankessler on January 12, 2010

In this day and age of international terrorism and  ponzi schemes that leave people both morally and financially bankrupt, it’s somewhat nice to hear of a crime where nobody gets hurt– even if there is a certain creepy factor involved. This past Sunday a D.C.-area woman awoke to find a strange man who obviously didn’t get enough positive reinforcement as a child, in bed with her getting his spoon on. Her reasonable reaction to this uncomfortable situation was to scream and flee the scene. Police have yet to catch this burglar of nighttime embraces just yet, but they say his M.O. sounds strikingly similar to that of the “Georgetown Cuddler” (not making this up), which we think sounds much nicer than “Zodiac Killer” or “Son of Sam.”

While we admit there is nothing too desirable about waking up with a strange person in your bed when that act has not been aided by last evening’s alcoholic intake, the name of said deviant has awakened in us a need to think up a few less menacing monikers for slightly more benign practitioners of “crime.”  So without further ado our idea of the lowest on the list of America’s Most Wanted:

The Boston Breakfast in Bed Bandit- Similar to the “Georgetown Cuddler” the “Boston Breakfast In Bed Bandit” breaks into your house.  However, his hands are only put to use in the kitchen instead of your torso as he deftly makes use of anything and everything in your kitchen to prepare for you a dazzling five-star breakfast in bed.  The only downside is by the time he’s done, you have to go food shopping again.

Seattle’s Stealth Stylist- This clandestine criminal works just as well under the cover of night as he/she does during the day to give unsuspecting citizens total style makeovers.  Police have a few leads and have narrowed the suspects down to the out of work Queer Eye guys and castoffs of Bravo’sShear Genius” series.

The Pittsburgh Parking Meter Pirate- This devious thief steals change from parking meters only to fill them back up again ensuring no one ever gets a parking ticket. Legend has it this villain is a former meter maid who was kicked off the force for failure to meet monthly ticket quotas.

Cincinnati’s Cleaning Lady – A big fan of the spic ‘n’ span, this mysterious Midwestern agent of cleanliness has swept through the Queen City with a fine-bristled broom and left nothing but an array of shiny surfaces in the homes of unsuspecting victims.  Some say after she’s gone you can still smell her pine fresh perfume.

We’re sure there are a few other’s we’re missing, like the band of gangsters that fill gas tanks free of charge and loiterers who hand out winning lottery tickets; but this is a twisted world and we can’t account for all of the relatively kind crazies in it.  Just be aware, they are out there.


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