Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

The Word of L. Ron

Posted by evankessler on January 8, 2010

Religious experts and people with common sense alike have long held the belief that the religion of Scientology is nothing but an elaborate hoax formulated on a bet by a mid-level science fiction author to make Tom Cruise feel taller than 5′ 7″ and John Travolta seem influential. Well, skeptics should be prepared to eat their words and body thetans now that the restoration of 1,000 unreleased lost recordings of lectures and accompanying writings by the religion’s founder L. Ron Hubbard has been completed.

We’re not sure where the recordings and writings have been all of this time, but we have a hunch that they were recovered from the wreckage of Lord Xenu‘s DC-8 by a recent Mars Rover expedition. The “Church of Scientology” has yet to release Elron’s sacred scripts to the public, but we’re sure once they become available in the form of the book, “Dianetics 2: Fool Me Twice, Shame on Me”, the revelations contained within will send millions of people flocking to get e-meter readings at their local bus station, subway stop or Scientology Celebrity Center (you know, the places where people flock for religious revelation).

Despite the religion’s tight-lipped clamp on the material, we here at OneRiot thought we’d take a few educated stabs at some of the declarations of divinity contained within the religion’s version of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Again, these are only unfounded meanderings, but so are most of Hubbard’s writings.

1. Tom Cruise Is The Reincarnation of Jesus ChristWhen Jesus danced his way up to the heavens, he was actually being beamed up to Xenu’s spaceship where he was held in captivity. A lost writing of L. Ron’s from 1955 actually states that the savior’s power will become too mighty for Xenu to detain and he will escape to earth to be reborn in the body of Tom Cruise near Syracuse, NY in 1962. Haunting stuff.

2. Body Thetans are Attracted to Money- If you give The Church Of Scientology all of your money they will put said money into a vault, which coincidentally also houses all of their members Body Thetans.

3. Battlefield Earth Will Become The Most Successful and Profound Film Ever- This statement begins to show cracks in L. Ron’s declarative reasoning.

4. Original name for Scientology was “Heinlein Can Suck It-Ology”- In Hubbard’s early writings he constantly uses the latter term when discussing the tenets of his “religion.”  Whether or not this proves the truth of the bar bet with fellow sci-fi author Robert Heinlein theory on the genesis of Scientology remains to be seen.  Most of Hubbard’s followers are likely to chalk this up to mere coincidence.

We’re sure these new revelations will further enrich the canon of the Scientological faith, but we can only hope that even more of Hubbard’s important ideas come to light in time for this year’s Criminon Celebration on January 25th– or at least by Integrity Day on May 25th.

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