Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

The Thrill Is Never Gone

Posted by evankessler on January 7, 2010

One would think being constantly on the verge of death is a big enough thrill for the elderly, but sometimes the aged grow bored of simply stretching the amount of bungee cord mother nature has allotted them and need to test its elasticity in other ways. Senior citizens Benjamin (79) and Jane Wolff (72) are hoping they’ve been given enough rope to stay out of the reach of the long arm of the law. These aging criminal masterminds are wanted for spending days on end, eating brownies and boring hotel patrons with yarns about olden days when pop cost a nickel, before skipping out on the exorbitant bill for their temporary residence. Assuming senility wasn’t the motive for failure to pay, this ancient, modern-day Bonnie & Clyde act have pulled this scam several times over– leaving several inns  in the New England area reeling in their wake from financial hardship.

The fuzz is hot on this Wolff pack’s tail as they have the couple’s license plate number and have pretty much ruled out the possibility of engaging in a high speed chase– due to the couple’s likely penchant for traveling 45mph or less in a 60 mph zone.  That being said, we here at OneRiot don’t want to leave anything to chance that these devious delinquents escape without having to experience the harsh reality of prison life in their declining years; we’ve formulated the following traps to help police nab the troublesome duo:

The Early-bird Special New England-area police should mandate a state-wide “early-bird special” with dinner specials beginning at 3:30pm at all restaurants with undercover police officers scouring the parking lots.

All Roads Lead To Florida Install new highway signs pointing to Florida that actually lead to the local police station. All old people are looking to eventually end up in Florida.  It’s like their version of the Mexican border.

Strategically-Placed Fixodent and Depends- By placing these typical purchases of the elderly where they are most likely to be shoplifted and filling them with purple dye packs like those put in the bags of bank robbers, any old folks scamming their essentials will be caught purple-handed.

Cutest Grandkids Contest- Canvas all local radio stations with a “Cutest Grandkids” contest announcement. They’ll be there.

Call Their Cell- They probably have a cell phone for when their grandkids call. If you call they’ll spend twenty minutes trying to figure out how to pick it up, forcing them to pull over to the side of the road.  A police officer should be able to locate them in that time given all of the other information they have on them.  Better yet, send them a text message.

At least one of these methods is bound to work.  If not, then we’ve sorely underestimated these geriatric bandits and maybe they deserve all of the benefits their crafty misconduct has afforded them.  After all, they’ve found a way of proving that the thrill is never gone.

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