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Archive for January, 2010

The Long Arm of YouTube

Posted by evankessler on January 28, 2010

The bandwidth taken up by the massive video oversharing outlet known as Youtube is littered with literally thousands of examples of “nontent” (a new word I made up meaning videos with absolutely no discernible use or enjoyable content).  While plenty of uploaders, like that Fred kid, should probably be arrested for continually posting ridiculous attempts at “entertainment,” there is currently no statute that outlaws being an annoying online presence.

There are plenty of other laws in place, however, that make other things illegal.  For instance, armed robbery is illegal, as is the smoking and possession marijuana in most US states– when not accompanied by a prescription. It’s true that one of those transgressions is more heinous than the other. Regardless, it’s probably not a great idea to post yourself engaging in either illegal act on Youtube.

For one Nebraska father the lure of Internet fame via the frequent production of such “nontent” was far too great though, leading him to ignore this heaping dose of common sense. Fourty-four-year-old David Johnson posted over 90 videos on the broadcast site, most of which contained him and his two sons engaging in reefer madness. Now not only has the very public offender been ripped of his 50 bongs, but he is also being charged with misdemeanor child abuse and possession of drug paraphernalia and marijuana. On top of that, his eldest son is also facing possession charges and his 17-year old tyke has been placed in foster care.

Way to go dad!  This tragic family tale of video-sharing gone wrong has given us cause to come up with a few other things you shouldn’t broadcast on youtube, lest the long arm of the law come and take you away.

Mattresses Tag Removal- There’s no more reviled crime in the furniture industry than taking a scissor to that hanging fabric warning.  Keep your tag tearing tendencies to yourself.  We hear there are no mattress labels in the big house.

File Sharing- The struggling Music Business is always looking for a way to diversify their profit intake.  Sometimes making millions off Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and American Idol winners just isn’t enough.  Don’t give them a reason to suspect you’re worth a lawsuit by broadcasting your individual digital downloading sins.

Jaywalking- Jaywalking is no joke.  Well, it is if you’re Jay Leno and that’s the name of a segment on your show.  On second thought, that’s not funny either.  Don’t post videos of yourself imitating Jay Leno segments on the Internet.

Theater Hopping- Thou shalt not post theater-hopping tutorials. You paid $20 including popcorn and soda to see Avatar and Avatar only. If you want to see Tooth Fairy, you’re going to have to pony up an additional $12 or so.

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Bigger Than Avatar?

Posted by evankessler on January 27, 2010

James Cameron is one rich man.  His latest film, Avatar, achieved the honor of being the highest-grossing film of all-time yesterday. The preachy and visually stunning CGI extravaganza netted $1.859 billion in just over a month-and-a-half, besting his 1997 film Titanic‘s mark of $1.843 Billion.  We’re not quite sure how Cameron celebrated, but we have an image of him standing on a Titanic replica overlooking the Hollywood Hills screaming, “I’m the King of The Film World!” while Kate Winslet listened in on speaker phone.

We’d hate to jump the gun and crown a director, who compensates for contrived story lines and mediocre dialogue with dazzling visual intricacies, a Movie Monarch when there are so many actual great stories that have been captured on celluloid; but sometimes the monetary results just speak for themselves. It’s hard to believe that any other film could achieve such astounding financial success as Cameron’s last 2 major outings; but in the interest of further innovation, we here at OneRiot have a few concepts for potential box office blockbusters that just might give Avatar a run for it’s title of top moneymaker of all-time.

Nude– A film starring Scarlet Johansson, Natalie Portman, Megan Fox, Penelope Cruz, and Zoe Saldana.  The trailers will reveal none of the film’s plot just hint at the possibility of nude scenes for all of the lead actresses.  That kind of promotion got an audience for the crapfest that was Coyote Ugly because some of us are just that dumb. Work that into an actual film with a plot and talented actresses and don’t forget to pepper in a few explosions for good measure. Plenty of money will come pouring in by giving fans the option to see this in IMAX 3D.

Marvel vs. DC- Highly anticipated comic book movies traditionally have monstrous opening weekends.  This cinematic comic extravaganza will feature every single hero from DC and Marvel titles battling against a mega-syndicate of supervillains. Imagine Batman and the Flash fighting side by side with Spider-Man and Wolverine! Expect this one to be sold out for months. The comic book movie to end all comic book movies should outdo Avatar in about two weeks.

Puppies and Kitties- Everybody loves watching puppies and kitties all day on youtube, but once the cuteness hits you in 3D IMAX the adorable overload is uncontrollable.

America’s Funniest Home Videos: The Movie- If there’s one thing that makes people laugh it’s watching other people fall down or get kicked in the nuts.  Not only will this film revive Bob Saget’s career, but the studio will love it because of the low pricetag. it sure to be the breakout comedy of the year!

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What Does “Censorship” Mean?

Posted by evankessler on January 26, 2010

Reading comprehension is one of the most vital elements in a child’s educational development.  Without knowledge of the meaning of the combination of words that make it up, a sentence is just a mish-mash of indeterminate sounds devoid of any sense. Luckily, when children and even adults find a word that stumps them, there is always a place of reference they can turn to to enlighten their curious minds. This place of reference is known as “the dictionary.”

For some time now, inquiring minds have been harvesting new knowledge derived from the simple act of “looking it up.”  That is all about to change for the 4th and 5th grade students of Southern California’s Menifee Union school district.  It seems district officials have taken offense to Merriam- Webster‘s graphic definition of “Oral Sex” as “oral stimulation of the genitals” and banned the reference book outright from their classrooms.

To leave such a gaping a hole in the reference section seems a tad bit ridiculous when considering that the dictionary definition is in fact an awful lot tamer than the other avenues available to children to check such terms.  Would the school board rather the children typed “oral sex” into an Internet search engine or learn about it from the dirty kid down the street who charges $5 a head to look at his dad’s collection of porno?

If anything, keeping the dictionary around will allow those kids to learn two new words in “oral” and “stimulation” that can be used in non-sexual sentences, whilst removing the volume of vocab might prevent them from picking up on valuable concepts like “censorship.”

If the school district finds the dictionary too racy, we wonder what other valuable school tools might this district take exception to:

Red Crayons and Markers- By denying children the color red we’re nearly assured their potentially Communist leanings will be nipped in the bud.

Rulers- Children might feel compelled to use these measuring sticks to compare the size of each other’s genitalia during recess.

#2 Pencils Filling out tests with these 2nd rate scribblers will doom them to a lifetime of inferior test results.  #1 Pencils all the way!

Science Books- That chapter on asexual reproduction is as racy as it gets. Whoever heard of a cell reproducing on its own?  Binary fission should be between a male cell and a female cell who are married and love each other very much.

Calculators- Giving kids calculators to solve complex math problems will eventually lead to them learning how to spell the word, “BOOBLESS” out of upside down numbers.

Kids are a lot smarter than what we give them credit for.  Just because the term “oral sex” is in the dictionary, doesn’t mean they’ll sit there staring at the word for the rest of the school year.  The dictionary is not the Kama Sutra, and at that age the idea of anything vaguely sexual is usually gross or hilarious anyway.  Put the dictionary back and move on.

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Men On Road to Gender Equality

Posted by evankessler on January 22, 2010

In the female-dominated world of sex work, the male of the species has been woefully held down by the presence of an ever-so-thick pane of glass ceiling. When most people think of “exotic dancing,” the image of large-bosomed, barely-clad ladies comes to mind way before that of Swayze-esque Chippendales performers with a degree in teabagging from Hunk University.

The same goes for the practice of prostitution. We usually imagine these hustlers as sensual ladies of the night, and when we do think of Man-hos, we’re more likely to get the image of a cutoff wearing meth addict propositioning cars underneath the bridge– not a classy brothel setup where randy ladies get introduced to a lineup of grade A beef for the sampling.

That’s all about to change though, as male prostitutes in the state of Nevada have their answer to Susan B. Anthony and Rosa Parks; he goes by the name “Markus” and he is the first legal gigolo in the United States, courtesy of The Shady Lady Ranch in Beatty,Nevada.

Markus is more than just a male prostitute.  He’s a gender equality crusader, proving that any sexual act women can perform legally, men can do just as well or even better. Inspired by Markus’s shattering of barriers between the sexes, we here at OneRiot believe the resultant domino effect will lead to men tackling roles traditionally occupied by females in other arenas. Here are a list of just some of the stereotypically female-dominated jobs/roles this pioneer of paid intercourse is paving the way for men to break into:

Cafeteria Worker- The term “Lunch Lady” has been standard in cafeterias the world over for decades.  Men have been excluded for far too long from the practice of slinging Sloppy Joe’s whilst wearing a paper cap.  We believe the term is “Lunch Person.”

Trophy Spouse- Traditionally rich men have their pick of members of the opposite sex whose sole aspiration is to dote on their powerful partner or appear on Rock of Love.  Well, men can aspire to just as little as certain women if half the cast of “A Shot At Love” is any indication.  Isn’t time the world accepts trophy husbands for all their lack of drive and clears a place for them on the mantle?

Sideline Reporter- While it’s true men have long existed on the sidelines of sporting events, giving inane facts that could easily be glossed over by the booth broadcast crew, this field has been recently dominated by a blistering array of beautiful, knowledgeable and intelligent ladies. Given this recent push for equality, we could see a fair amount of handsome gentleman taking their turf back outside the lines.

It may take time for gender equality to penetrate all aspects of society, but this we promise you OneRiot readers; A change is gonna come.

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Tummy Tightening Tacos?

Posted by evankessler on January 21, 2010

Anyone who has ever sampled the fine fast food fare at a Taco Bell is well aware that Gorditas and Chalupas are much more likely to cause bowel irritation than weight loss stimulation.  There’s a reason the brand slogan is “run for the border” and not “take a leisurely jog around Lake Texcoco.”  Anything less than a full out sprint to the bathroom following the inhalation of a few beef tacos will most likely result in pants being unpleasantly soiled.

So when Taco Bell decided to pull a Jared and claim some dietary benefit from gorging oneself on stomach churning goodies from their drive-thru menu, it seemed like something was rotten in the state of Denmark‘s underpants. Nonetheless, the speedy soft taco peddler pressed on with their Drive-Thru Diet promotion, insisting in its commercials that while the results weren’t typical, a mysterious character named Christine had lost 54 lbs by repeatedly ingesting low-grade meat, cheese, and veggies.

Taco Bell has yet to back away from said claim that the newly svelte spokesperson unpacked her pounds by ordering from the comfort of her own driver’s seat, but are now admitting that the “Drive-Thru Diet” isn’t really much of a diet and that if you think that alone is going to make you thin, well then you’re probably pretty stupid (our words not theirs). However, if you were that gullible in the first place, we here at OneRiot have a few more “healthy” diets that you might want to undertake to turn your waistline frown upside down…or force you to buy bigger pants.

Tic-Tac Diet- This one-and-a-half calorie breath mint is oddly satisfying. Given that a typical healthy diet for a male is 2,000 calories and 1,800 for a female; this diet allows for plenty of indulgence provided that indulgence is in the form of one of the many flavors of minty goodness.  We can’t account for the lack of nutrition, but at least you’ll have fresh breath. Just to be safe you should probably take a multivitamin.

Sundae Thru Monday Diet- One three-scoop Ice cream sundae with hot fudge, caramel, m&m’s a day keeps diabetes at bay. Don’t forget to put that cherry on top.  Fruit is healthy.

The Model Diet- The most important part of being a model is staying thin; so it would stand to reason that thin models have the best diets, right?  Of course. Note that there is very little food on this diet, just the occasional cucumber or carrot off of a craft services tray and plenty of cigarettes.  Beat back that hunger with a cancer stick and the occasional sniff of cocaine.

Dollar Menu Diet- Three dollars a day keeps hunger away. Many fast food restaurants have instituted cheap options flooded with essentials vitamins so the financially strapped can remain physically strapping.  A sausage mcmuffin for breakfast and a double cheeseburger for lunch and dinner.  We can practically see the pounds peeling off.

While these diets may help the naive and nutitionally-challenged attempt to achieve their ideal bod, we here at OneRiot maintain that there’s no substitute for good old fashion exercise. Pushing on that remote button burns a half a calorie.  Get to channel surfing.

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Disasters, Excuses

Posted by evankessler on January 20, 2010

Following the initial Haiti earthquake everyone who was anyone (or just somewhat crazy people) seemed to have an opinion as to the reason such a calamitous tax was levied upon the people of such a desperate nation. Pat Robertson blamed the tragedy on some ridiculous pact with the devil; not to outdo Robertson, actor Danny Glover implied that this cataclysmic event may have been avoided if only we had come to a suitable climate control agreement back in Copehagen. Yes, all of those things may have made the holy union of “the Lord” and “Mama Nature” angry, but nothing makes the supreme couple more angry than people making up excuses for the odd, yet powerful “Force majeure.”

Since the massive seismic shift left Haiti in dire straits, several other “acts of God” have rained down upon the earth’s surface. Tremors have left Guatemala, Northern California, Cayman Islands, and even Oklahoma feeling a little shaky; and for a little variety, the star-studded southern beach towns of Los Angeles and and areas of Orange and San Diego counties were hit yesterday with a Tornado.

Like TV evangelists and actors, we here at OneRiot are not ones to simply accept the fact that sometimes weather goes a bit batty and the tectonic plates need to shift and release pressure. There must be something or someone we can blame for this violently destructive windstorm wreaking having in the SoCal area. Here’s a few things we think might be responsible for this horrible occurrence which resulted in no reported fatalities or injuries.

The Producers of “The Real Housewive of Orange County”- The producers of the show made a pact with the devil that as long as the show was on the air, none of the cast would ever have to experience anything remotely “real.” Nature’s revenge forces them to deal with the reality of cleaning up a downed tree in their yard or going without electricity for a few hours.

Roland Emmerich- We’re not sure if this director lives in Southern California, but he probably has a house there. Either way, having directed such cinematic crapfests as “The Day After Tomorrow” and “2012” portraying the CGI destruction of cities, the lord above and mother nature thought it would be a nice touch to show him what actual weather disasters look like, so he might get it right next time he decides to have harsh winds engulf and destroy an entire city.

The San Diego Chargers After another season of not making the Super Bowl under head coach Norv Turner, the Chargers offered their head coach a 3-year extension. This was mother nature’s way of saying, “bad move.”

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Denver Irks Wisconsin Neighbor

Posted by evankessler on January 19, 2010

Most fans of John Denver have to wait until they reach the pearly gates before they finally get to thank god for their own country boy-ishness, but one such fan of the late “Take Me Home, Country Roads” singer was pretty sure he could get that message out to the heavens from the confines of his Fon Du Lac, Wisconsin apartment.  Last week, area police officers were notified of a loud, yet soothing racket emanating from the man’s apartment by a neighbor. That racket consisted of some choice Denver tunes. Officers banged on the  door to tell the noise code violator to keep it down.  The resident, however, missed the authoritative knocks of the law, no doubt due to the side effects of his “Rocky Mountain High.” The culprit of the folksy din later admitted to authorities that he missed their overtures due to the fact that he had been “rockin’ out.”

Now, we here at OneRiot are a firm believer of the “to each their own” school of musical taste, and we think “Leavin’ On A Jet Plane” is a pretty great song, but we’re not really sure if it’s possible to “rock out” to John Denver.  Maybe you can “bop along” but there’s a limit.  That being said, here’s a few other artists that make “rockin’ out” a rather distinct impossibility.

Hootie & The Blowfish- The most exciting thing this inexplicably popular 90’s band could get us hyped for is the par five on the 16th hole at Sawgrass. With songs like “Hold My Hand” and “Only Want To Be With You,” we’d expect to hear Hootie & The Blowfish in the background of our awkward weather conversation in the elevator or in the dairy aisle of the supermarket before they made it onto anyone’s gym mix.

Celine Dion- We’d rather run our car straight into an iceberg than blast Celine Dion while driving 80 through a school zone.

Limp Bizkit- Enjoying a Limp Bizkit song may actually feel like you are “rockin’ out,” but breaking stuff doesn’t count. In this instance, the term is just code for “actively trying to make yourself dumber.”

The Bee Gees- The Brothers Gibb wrote some pretty wonderful songs, but if your emotions take you over whilst listening to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack; that’s not rocking out.  That’s just your John Travolta impression.

John Tesh- The former Entertainment Tonight host may get super excited about having written the theme for the NBA on NBC, but watching this new age tunesmith prance around in excitement over a musical intro for Basketball games just leaves us confused and disheartened.

Honorable mention goes to Kenny G and Michael Bolton for being on the cutting edge of lame.  Maybe they’ll inspire their own noise complaint soon to push them over the top.

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The Blissful Existence of Pat Robertson

Posted by evankessler on January 14, 2010

If ignorance is indeed bliss, being Fundamentalist Christian minister Pat Robertson must be the most blissful existence of all.  The host of the “700 Club” (presumably named so because that was the year in which their antiquated ideas were still relevant) had the audacity to blame the Haitian people for the earthquake tragedy that befell them this past week.  He conjured up a centuries old pact with the devil (i.e. George Burns) the Haitan people made to rid themselves of the imperialist French and “Napoleon III or whatever” as the reason for the nation’s ever-worsening condition, comparing it with it’s prosperous neighbor on the Isle of Hispaniola, the Dominican Republic– a resort destination whose booze-fueled spring breaks have no doubt been touched by an angel.

While we have a hard time believing that the good lord decided on a whim to make things exponentially worse for what is perhaps the Western Hemisphere’s most destitute nation, Robertson’s comments got us thinking, what other crazily ignorant things might this dinosaur amongst men actually believe?

1. Jaycee Lee Dugard was kidnapped and kept in a shack for 18 years because she rooted against her hometown baseball team, then known as the California Angels. This was essentially a pact with the devil.  The lord saw fit to punish her by making her miss 18 years of great sports moments and have Mark Whicker  write a scathing column to taunt her with all of awesome plays she never got to see.

2. Dogs faithfulness to Man as his best friend is a metaphor for Man’s faithfulness to God.  There’s a reason dog is God spelled backwards.

3. Twitter is the devil…or at least the devil is on Twitter and he sends direct messages to make pacts these days rather than just showing up as Elizabeth Hurley and promising you three wishes for the price of your soul. Also, instead of 3 wishes he tells you he’ll totally plug you on Follow Friday.

4. The lord is powerful enough to destroy Haiti for a centuries old indiscretion, but has yet to figure out how to stop two people of the same sex in Iowa from marrying one another.  He/she really would just prefer humans made a law against it already.

5. Finally, it’s Robertson’s actual belief that Hurricane Katrina was the lord’s way of punishing the United States for legalizing abortion.

We here at OneRiot may openly mock Robertson, but we do so to submit that such ignorance on the scale of Robertson’s actual beliefs are extremely dangerous and that no matter what you believe, a tragedy of such epic proportions should never be so hastily dismissed as the fault of those who have reaped the misfortune. Rather than lay blame, we find that it’s much more helpful to lend a helping hand and encourage our readers to continue to donate to the relief fund.  We prefer to say God bless and not God damn.

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Carnival Drops the Anchor on Cougars

Posted by evankessler on January 13, 2010

As the popular old mating adage goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Well, as it turns out there are more than just fish. The dating waters of the Pacific got a little more crowded recently when its natural aquatic inhabitants were joined by more than 300 Cougars ready to pounce on some ready, able, and willing fresh cub meat  as part of  the Singles Travel Co and Society of Single Professionals “Cougar Cruise.”

Putting both young men ripe for the taking and the aging female sexual predators who adore them on the same Love Boat seemed like a no-brainer. After all, it is scientific fact that men reach their sexual peak at a much younger age than ladies, so why deny the mother nature’s dynamic sexual forces from enjoying a head on collision of passion on the high seas?

While the idea of hosting this buoyant zoo of May-December courtship originally appealed to the motion of the ocean experts at Carnival Cruise lines, the company ultimately decided supporting such events were not for them– lest they have to change their name from “Carnival” to “Carnal.”

With the discontinuation of these floating meet markets, also comes the untimely extinction of some of their more innovative entertainment practices that may or may not have occurred on board.  So until the Cougar cruise gets picked up by Royal Carribean, here are a few fun features that threaten to go the way of the seafaring dodo:

Are You My Mommy?- In this role playing game, ladies dress in leopard print leotards as their diaper clad young suitors crawl around knocking on random doors asking the question, “Are you my mommy?” The answer is usually “yes,”and most of the time the mommy determines that her son has been a naughty boy and needs a spanking.

All You Can Eat Naked Sushi Buffet and Sliced Pineapple Tower- Certain Japanese restaurants specialize in the art of serving sushi off of a naked female; on this cruise cougars get to pick the sushi table of their choice for the evening.  The sliced pineapple tower is for dessert.

Strip PinochleWe don’t know how to play pinochle and neither do most of the cubs.

Job Interview Rehearsal- Many of the young men on said “Cougar Cruises” have yet to be hired for their first real job. This helpful role play prepares them for a real-life situation teaching them the right answers for when they are being interviewed by a sex-starved older woman for their first taste of real world employment.

CPR “Class”- Going on a cruise brings with it the very real possibility of having to save someone from an emergency. This mandatory class for all cruise patrons pairs up two members of the opposite sex to learn the ins and outs of how to save a life with a type of CPR that employs extensive use of the tongue.

There are probably plenty more activities that didn’t exactly make it onto the brochure, but all of that is moot until this steamy sea vessel pulls up anchor yet again.

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America’s Least Most Wanted

Posted by evankessler on January 12, 2010

In this day and age of international terrorism and  ponzi schemes that leave people both morally and financially bankrupt, it’s somewhat nice to hear of a crime where nobody gets hurt– even if there is a certain creepy factor involved. This past Sunday a D.C.-area woman awoke to find a strange man who obviously didn’t get enough positive reinforcement as a child, in bed with her getting his spoon on. Her reasonable reaction to this uncomfortable situation was to scream and flee the scene. Police have yet to catch this burglar of nighttime embraces just yet, but they say his M.O. sounds strikingly similar to that of the “Georgetown Cuddler” (not making this up), which we think sounds much nicer than “Zodiac Killer” or “Son of Sam.”

While we admit there is nothing too desirable about waking up with a strange person in your bed when that act has not been aided by last evening’s alcoholic intake, the name of said deviant has awakened in us a need to think up a few less menacing monikers for slightly more benign practitioners of “crime.”  So without further ado our idea of the lowest on the list of America’s Most Wanted:

The Boston Breakfast in Bed Bandit- Similar to the “Georgetown Cuddler” the “Boston Breakfast In Bed Bandit” breaks into your house.  However, his hands are only put to use in the kitchen instead of your torso as he deftly makes use of anything and everything in your kitchen to prepare for you a dazzling five-star breakfast in bed.  The only downside is by the time he’s done, you have to go food shopping again.

Seattle’s Stealth Stylist- This clandestine criminal works just as well under the cover of night as he/she does during the day to give unsuspecting citizens total style makeovers.  Police have a few leads and have narrowed the suspects down to the out of work Queer Eye guys and castoffs of Bravo’sShear Genius” series.

The Pittsburgh Parking Meter Pirate- This devious thief steals change from parking meters only to fill them back up again ensuring no one ever gets a parking ticket. Legend has it this villain is a former meter maid who was kicked off the force for failure to meet monthly ticket quotas.

Cincinnati’s Cleaning Lady – A big fan of the spic ‘n’ span, this mysterious Midwestern agent of cleanliness has swept through the Queen City with a fine-bristled broom and left nothing but an array of shiny surfaces in the homes of unsuspecting victims.  Some say after she’s gone you can still smell her pine fresh perfume.

We’re sure there are a few other’s we’re missing, like the band of gangsters that fill gas tanks free of charge and loiterers who hand out winning lottery tickets; but this is a twisted world and we can’t account for all of the relatively kind crazies in it.  Just be aware, they are out there.

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