Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Bowling for a National Championship

Posted by evankessler on December 29, 2009

College Football’s Bowl Season has been in full swing since December 19th when the then 6-6 Wyoming Cowboys (5th Place in the Mountain West Division) conquered the then 8-4 Fresno State Bulldogs (3rd place in Western Athletic Division) in overtime in the New Mexico Bowl.  While we can’t possibly understand the amount of pride on the line when two mediocre teams face off in a Bowl aimed at determining if College Football fans can be lured to visit New Mexico for vacation and alert the rest of America that Albuquerque has a stadium; the thrilling overtime finish cemented the 2009 New Mexico Bowl‘s place in NCAA history as the 1,326th most memorable game ever.  The College Football National Championship between Alabama and Texas on January 7th may be the only game with real significance in the BCS race but with a total of 34 Bowl games this season, here’s a look at the stakes of this season’s other bowl matchups.

Meineke Car Care Bowl– Pittsburgh’s victory in this bowl ensures that their players and coaches will simply never-ever have to pay a lot for that muffler.

Independence Bowl- Some nations have to go to war for independence, some battle for it on the gridiron. The University of Georgia’s victory yesterday over Texas A&M established them as an independent nation for span of one year, lest they should successfully defend their title next year.

EagleBank Bowl- The winner of today’s Bowl between UCLA (6-6) and Temple (9-3) wins free checking for life.

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl- The victor of this matchup between the Idaho Vandals (7-5) and Bowling Green Falcons (7-5) automatically enters a contract to perform 1000 hours of community service, walk old ladies across the street and must make an additional pledge to support all of Bono’s endeavors. An Idaho victory would force them to change their team name as “vandalism” is considered quite the opposite of a humanitarian act. The loser will most likely spawn several tyrannical dictators.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl- If the Houston Cougars (10-3) defeat Air Force (7-5), all of the 40-plus year old single women in Houston replace the Air Force as the 5th branch of the US military. These sex bombs will lend new meaning to the phrase “Make love, not war” as the US explores a new type of sensual diplomacy.

Outback Bowl- Two words: Bloomin’ Onion!

International Bowl- While both the South Florida Bulls (7-5) and the Northern Illinois  Huskies (7-5) get to experience the wonder of playing in a foreign land otherwise known as Canada, only the winner will be allowed to leave.  The loser will be subject to a sickening amount of goodwill as they are welcomed with open arms and have to experience the horror of free health care.

There’s 27 more where that came from. Unfortunately, not all of them come with great  perks.  Let’s face it, being crowned National Champion isn’t all it’s cracked up to be when your only freebie is a shiny trophy.

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