Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Don’t Be A Bad Santa

Posted by evankessler on December 23, 2009

The final hours are dwindling down to that magical moment when you and your family will be gathered by the tree on Christmas morning, eagerly awaiting what rewards being on Santa’s “nice” list and continuing your strained familial relationships hath wrought.  We know you don’t want to spend too much loot on those who rarely factor into your lives– even if they are family.  But it is Christmas; so while you’re naturally inclined to wait to the last second to fill the stockings of those that matter the least, there are some lame gifts that defy poor judgment as shining beacons of just how little effort you felt like putting into the giving season.  The following are a few examples of gifts that no one will be thankful for receiving:

Internet Address Organizer- In the postal age, address books were thoughtful tokens for those less-organized friends who you couldn’t stand to be out of touch with. Nowadays buying someone an Internet Address organizer hints that not only are you wholly unfamiliar with the Internet and its ability to save information such as email addresses, but you probably haven’t the slightest idea– nor do you care– about any of the likes and dislikes of said gift recipient to buy them something so impersonal and pointless.  Nothing says, “I didn’t really want to get you anything” quite like an Internet Address Organizer.

Fancy Coat Hangers As someone who has received the gift of coat hangers as a holiday present, I can unequivocally state that they are in no way worthy of the feigned “thanks” you’d ultimately have to bestow upon he/she who was convinced by QVC hosts that they were a wonderfully practical idea for a present. That being said, I still have my coat hangers, I’m just not happy about them as a gift.

A Spoon Pillow– People who fancy themselves cooking whizzes often find themselves awash in kitchen amenities. To our minds there’s nothing more pointless than this one- a pillow…for your spoon. You know, for when your cooking utensil needs a rest and a paper towel blanket just won’t do.

Any Item of Clothing That Says Merry Christmas On It- Talk about gifts that allow for minimum utility.  Giving someone something that they’re only able to break out on the occasion that it is Christmas, provides for the ultimate guilt trip.  If said recipient is not wearing his/her Santa sweater next year, I know a certain relative who’s going to be very upset.

Alright OneRioters, time’s a dwindling. Go forth and get your last minute gifts. Just try not to waste your hard-earned cash on some of these holiday clunkers.

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