Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Kids Named the Darnedest Things in ’09

Posted by evankessler on December 22, 2009

We civilians often look to celebrities for guidelines in all aspects of our lives. Who hasn’t gone gaga on the idea of weight loss after hearing Gwyneth sing the praises of the Master Cleanse and Kate Moss talk about not eating? Often we transfer that admiration we have for pop culture onto our own creations. Who can forget that year when everyone was naming their children “ESPN” after their favorite cable sports network, or “You’re Fired” in tribute to Donald Trump‘s TV catchphrase?

This year is no different as it was announced that the top baby names for 2009 are a decidedly odd bunch, with Aidan and Madeline leading the way.  We here at OneRiot can only assume that the popularity of esteemed actors Aidan Quinn and Madeleine(sic) Stowe are responsible for this trend.  After all, in 2009 you couldn’t flip on cable TV without seeing this duo displaying their dramatic chops in films like 1987’s Stakeout and 1994’s Blink (or could you have?).

While those two were tops of the name pop charts, there were a few other favorite labels parents enjoyed sticking on their kids for life in 2009. We’d like to take this opportunity to explore the reasons behind their popularity:

Jayden/Brayden: This duo of sexually ambiguous names are an obvious tribute to Britney Spears’ comeback. Britney has a son named “Jayden” and “Brayden” is some weird attempt to combine Britney’s name with her son. Both names provide a rare dose humanity, since Britney had this son with Kevin Federline and both names provide solemn reminders that we are all prone to making mistakes.

Jackson- One of the top names for boys this year, parents started naming their kids this en masse after Michael Jackson’s death, praying that the King of Pop would be reincarnated in their bodies, thus inspiring them to achieve superstardom– but praying none of the weird tendencies spring up.

Taylor- Not the highest ranking girl name up there, but given the nation’s surge of support for Taylor Swift after Kanye-gate, it’s totally understandable that parents chose to show whose side they were on by naming their youngsters after People Magazine’s 2009 Entertainer of the Year. Parents naming their kid Taylor could also be backers of “Team Jacob” given that the popular Twilight character is portrayed by Taylor Lautner.

Olivia- The popularity of this moniker could be attributed to nerd goddess Olivia Munn of G4’s “Attack of The Show!“.  Nerd parents would love for their kids to be a chip off the ol’ namesake and be total tech geeks with a Star Wars fetish. They’ll never have to worry where their daughter is late at night when she’s on the couch with mom and dad enjoying Battlestar Galactica reruns.

Evan- One of the top male names is obviously a product of people reading the OneRiot blog.  Just sayin’.

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