Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Arizona Hunter Redefines Manliness

Posted by evankessler on December 18, 2009

The moment we saw his character Col. James Braddock save face by killing a giant rat with his own teeth in Missing In Action 2: The Beginning, was the moment we decided that Chuck Norris was perhaps the toughest human being alive.

However, our definition of manliness was put to the test when infomercials for Jack Lalanne‘s juicer arrived, accompanied by video footage of the fitness fan handcuffed and shackled while swimming the length the Golden Gate Bridge underwater toting 140lbs of equipment.

It wasn’t until years later after watching the Jackass crew commit unspeakable acts of stupidity upon their own genitalia that we thought Mr. Norris and Mr. LaLane might have some competition in the realm of true, if ill advised, grit. And while it takes a certain amount of gall to have a cue ball rammed into one’s private area, it doesn’t necessarily come with the merit of using one’s body as a freightliner, or escaping from a fictional Vietnamese POW camp.

Enter, James Gruver, who has shown that despite nature’s plan to wipe out the human race (and most other creatures) via global warming, mankind still has a leg up in other menacing situations that mother earth hurls our way. The Arizona hunter was attacked by a rabid 30 lb. Bobcat intent on tearing him limb upon limb when he seized control of the situation, harnessing his own adrenaline to choke his hungry feline foe to death.  Rather than become an earlybird special for this combative kitty, Gruven now has a reason to visit the taxidermist.  Maybe we should consider hiring Gruver to literally “tackle” the problem of the melting polar ice caps next.


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