Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Deer and Other Animals That Shouldn’t Be In Your House

Posted by evankessler on December 11, 2009

If the films Born Free and The Adventures of Milo & Otis have taught us anything, it’s that most members of the kingdom Animalia long for the free reign of wide open spaces and perhaps the opportunity to have their actions narrated by Dudley Moore. Charitable families every so often take up the cause of nursing an injured animal back to health at home and then have a hard time facing the reality that their newfound friend probably shouldn’t be lounging in their living room.  You can only replace an antler-thrashed couch so many times before it becomes too expensive.

Nonetheless, the Butera family of Ohio has taken on Dillie the Deer as its own flesh and blood; even teaching it to use the toilet and turn out the lights, while simultaneously destroying all of Dillie’s natural survival instincts. We imagine the Butera household has a high accident rate what with Dillie’s penchant for leaping out of nowhere into the hallway.

While it warms the cockles of our heart to picture a doe taking a nap on the daybed, the fact remains that deer are among the worst candidates for housepets.  Here are some other beasts that don’t exactly blend into the idea of domestic bliss:

Bears- You’ll never be able to keep any sweets in the house. If you’re making french toast for breakfast or putting honey in your tea, prepare to be mauled– unless you’ve taught your bear to share.

Alligator- Unless your name is Steve Irwin or Johnny Tigertail of the Miccosukee Nation, the only use for having an alligator around the house is having it eat you. Maybe if you’re some sort of criminal kingpin and you drop your enemies into your own personal gator swamp, that could work too.

Snakes- Has anyone with a pet snake ever had a reasonable explanation for having a pet snake?

Lions- The King of The Jungle will first want to be King of the couch. Once he becomes King of the remote you might as well stay out of the TV room for the rest of your life, because he’s not giving that thing up without a fight.  Pop quiz: Who wins in a fight between you and a lion?  Rhetorical question.

Parrots- Parrots are great for repeating everything they hear. Before you know it, they’ve remembered every incriminating conversation you’ve ever had and they’re threatening to squawk on you if you don’t make them the chief beneficiary of your will.

The bottom line is, the majority of Mother Nature’s creations deserve to roam the natural habitat known as this island Earth. If they belonged in houses watching TV, they would’ve developed opposable thumbs. Once they do though, watch out, because they’re changing the channel from Maury Povich to the Discovery Channel.  It’s like their porn.

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