Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Frosty Mugs of Cancer Drugs

Posted by evankessler on December 9, 2009

It’s long been common knowledge that a glass of red wine a day keeps heart problems at bay. While that nightly helping of Chianti compliments Anthony Hopkin’s Fava Bean salad recipe quite nicely and puts a damper on hypertension, it isn’t the only alcoholic beverage that can improve your overall well-being. A recent study showed that each pint of beer ingested could help reduce a man’s risk of coming down with prostate cancer. This preventative power of pale ales and lagers alike can be attributed to xanthohumol, a compound gleaned from hops that tends to stand in the way of a chemical reaction that often leads to the big C. This new finding has yet to send shockwaves through the brew guzzling community, but we here at OneRiot think acknowledging this finding this and other positives related to alcohol could stand to transform the drinking culture in the following ways:

  • The drinking age will be lowered to 18, the logic being, if you’re old enough to go off and fight for your country, you’re old enough to fight cancer in your own body.
  • DUI or DWI will be changed to DWPPC for “Driving While Preventing Prostate Cancer.” or if you’ve been drinking wine, DWFH for “Driving While Fighting Hypertension.”
  • Beer Pong will now be referred to as Cancer Fighting Pong.

Introducing the American Cancer Society‘s New Mascot…Keggy!

  • College bars and dormitories will become the new centers for prostate cancer research.
  • Super Bowl Sunday will be turned into a National Holiday known as National Battling Prostate Cancer While Watching Football Day.
  • Brewing Companies will reap tax exemption benefits when they are recognized as charities.
  • No more waiting in “beer lines” at the stadium; instead they’ll go by “vaccination queues. Keg stands will be just another method of taking your medicine.

Alright, so maybe the world won’t turn into a haven of vastly acceptable alcoholic indulgence, but at least we know that appeasing our urge to down a cold one every once in awhile (or on a daily basis) brings with it more reward than just waking up on the lawn the next morning.  That doesn’t mean you should disregard the need to “drink responsibly and know when to say when.”  If the folks at the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company in St. Louis, Missouri abide by that rule, so can we here at OneRiot. Cheers!


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