Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Make the Weather Less Frightful

Posted by evankessler on December 8, 2009

Americans have spent the first week of December soaking up the effects of global warming by showing that 52 degrees and sunny are perfect conditions for tanning in the backyard or attending an outdoor sporting event shirtless. They’re about to be given a rude awakening though, as a cold front has descended upon the continental US faster than you can say “The Day After Tomorrow” for the 800th consecutive time.

The swath of wintry conditions has caused three deaths from California to Indiana since it engulfed the nation on Monday. The iciest air of the season is expected to smother land east of the Mississippi and Southern Canada through at least Thursday with winter storm watches in effect over places like Northern Iowa, Southern Minnesota and possibly somewhere Canadian– like Thunder Bay, Ontario.

While you’ve been hesitant to break out those snow boots and gloves just yet, we think now might be a good time take those long johns out of storage and make sure the heating bill has been paid. In addition to those obvious preparations for the arrival of Jack Frost, we here at OneRiot have come up with some less apparent essentials to get yourself prepared for when the weather outside is frightful.

Matches- Fire is so delightful.  If your heat isn’t working for some reason or you find yourself stranded out in the cold, matches will come in handy for setting something on fire, whether it be a coat sleeve or your couch.

Hot Buttered Soul by Isaac HayesWhether you’re home alone or with that special someone, having the smooth sounds of Isaac Hayes 1969 album playing in the background will keep you warm all winter long, like a soothing mug of hot buttered rum.

Hot Buttered Rum- In case your music player gets frozen and doesn’t work any longer, you should always have a soothing mug of hot buttered rum on hand to stay cozy.

A Snuggie You don’t want to have move your blanket in order reach your soothing mug of hot buttered rum or your significant other, do you?

Hot Sauce-
Sure you can buy those hand warmer crystal things to put inside your gloves, but having hot sauce seeping into your pores will give you that same skin warming/burning sensation at a lower price.  Just try not to get it in your eyes.

Fatty Foods-
Gorging yourself on fatty foods all winter will give your body that extra layer of lard it needs to survive should you at some point get stranded in an avalanche and you’re stuck at home or in a cave for days without hope of rescue.

Failing to invest in any of these essentials might not make a difference in making sure you stay warm this winter, but can you afford to risk that?  Probably…you probably could.

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